Economy gotcha down? Suri Cruise’ll make it all better. The adorable half-pint, who may or may not be the product of L. Ron Hubbard’s frozen man-goo, sent the Internet a flutter today when it was revealed she topped Forbes.com “Hollywood’s 10 Hottest Tots” list. Turns out during these times of financial woes, folks just can’t get enough of a miniature Katie Holmes:

But as the economy heads toward what many predict is a recession, these adorable kids–and the desire to chronicle their upbringings–may become more important than ever. Simply put, fawning over celebrities and their picturesque families may be just the sort of distraction people need.
Dina Sansing, entertainment director for Us Weekly agrees:”It’s much more fun to look at cute pictures of Suri,” she says, “than think about how much your 401(k) has decreased.”
Suri’s first place ranking on the list comes from strong performances across the board. She earned the top spot for public awareness, received more blog mentions than any other Tinseltown kiddie and was referenced in more than 1,300 news articles.

Here’s the complete list of high-powered spawns:

1. Suri Cruise
2. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt
3. Zahara Jolie-Pitt
4. Pax Jolie-Pitt
5. Sam Alexis Woods
6. Cruz Beckham
7. Matilda Rose Ledger
8. David Banda
9. Sean Preston Federline
10. Sam Sheen

Ha! Denise Richard’s daughter lost to Britney Spears’ kid - and it wasn’t even the cute one! I’d love to be a fly on their wall when that news hit.

DENISE: Sam, I’m very disappointed in you.
SAM: I’m sowwy, mama.
DENISE: You did a very bad thing. Jesus, that little boy’s parents are practically brother and sister.
SAM: Yes, mama.
DENISE: We should probably stage a press conference and say it was your father’s fault.
SAM: Daddy puts sugar in his nose to give him happy thoughts.
DENISE: Okay, good. You remembered your lines.

Okay, sure, America’s elected its first black president, but more importantly, when is Katie Holmes going to get off her ass and get pregnant again? And would it kill her to make it a boy? Ok! Magazine reports:

In the December issue of Glamour, the star of the upcoming Australia explains that Connor, her teenage son with Tom, is still hoping for a brother. “[He] would like one of us to have a boy,” she confesses. “He wants that boy. Katie?”
“At 41, Nicole knows she’s not likely to have another baby,” a friend of the actress tells OK!. “It’s obviously up to the much younger Katie to give Connor that baby brother.”
And the Cruises are more than ready to welcome a new child into their lives.
“Katie and Tom very much want another baby,” a friend of the couple tells OK!. “There may be no better time than now for Katie to get pregnant again and absolutely nothing would make Tom happier.”

If nothing would make Tom Cruise happier than another child, I don’t see what the hold up is. There’s two simple solutions here: Either 1. Tom needs to stop hiding under a thimble whenever there’s a vagina in the room. or 2. Tom needs to ride the sperm in and personally deliver it to the egg himself. As for arranging the gender of the baby, may Xenu’s will be done. (That said, if you build a multimillion dollar Scientology gym with a Juice Bar, he’ll think about it.)

The opening of Katie Holmes’ Broadway show All My Sons was picketed last night by members of the Internet group Anonymous. Protestors wore Guy Fawkes mask ala V for Vendetta, according to Us Magazine:

The group was wearing masks and shouted, “We are not boycotting Katie, we are not boycotting the play, we are protesting Scientology. It is evil. Scientology kills people. It follows you home at night. It is perverted.”
A spokesperson for Anonymous spoke to Us recently about the planned action. “We are going to be there not only in protest of The Church of Scientology,” a member of the group told Us, “we would love to see Katie Holmes get away from this evil cult before it’s to late.”

Some members held up signs that read “Free Katie.” I hear Anonymous even attempted to kidnap Katie and take her to safety. But halfway to their destination they realized something was amiss when “Katie” kept laughing and telling her captors “You know what would cure me? Butt sex. Just sayin’.” Five minutes later they pulled over and tossed Tom Cruise off a bridge who, sadly, landed on the back of a bee and flew to safety. True story.

EDIT: Reader Cuno is more alert than I am this morning. That is definitely Katie Holmes’ nipple in the first two pics. I had to check twice because it’s practically the size of a saucer. But, it’s official: we have nip and I was, uh, testing you guys. Yeah…

Katie Holmes is currently rehearsing for the Broadway revival of All My Sons. But it turns out she’s not much of a box-office draw. Why? Old people have no idea who the hell she is, according to Star:

Although some people blame the economy, other Broadway shows — like Mamma Mia — are selling out.
“It did not sell like they had hoped for,” a Broadway insider tells Star. “To the theatergoing crowd, generally an older audience, Katie’s not a ‘name’ like Julia Roberts, whose run in Three Days of Rain sold out immediately. Katie hasn’t done anything Broadway patrons recognize her for — except maybe marrying Tom Cruise.”

Since I know old people freaking love the Internet and read this site daily between downloading episodes of Murder, She Wrote, I’m going to help Katie out:

The Superficial’s Guide for Seniors on Who the Dickety is Katherine Holmes

Katherine “Katie” Holmes is an American actress who sacrificed her promising career to marry once-legendary actor turned alien worshiper Tom Cruise in an effort to disguise his homosexuality. Sort of like Liberace but way, way more obvious.
Oh, and one time she totally showed some boob in The Gift. It was awesome.

The End.

It seems like you can’t run a celebrity website laced with Herculean commentary these days without running into rumors that Katie Holmes is pregnant as several sources claim these pictures prove. If not wearing a bra and trying to cut more glass than Jennifer Aniston in Antarctica constitutes being with child, then yes, Katie Holmes is knocked up. Otherwise, for God’s sake, please just leave the woman alone so Tom Cruise can finally install her penis, and then we’ve got a story.

Tom Cruise and the lovely, yet lobotomized, Katie Holmes attended the premiere of Tropic Thunder last night. Protesters from several mental disability groups picketed the event at Mann’s Bruin Theater because of the use of the word “retard” in the film. Fortunately, none of these people can read, so I’m off the hook. The AP reports:

The groups are outraged over scenes featuring the liberal usage of a disparaging term used to describe the mentally disabled. In the movie, director and co-star Ben Stiller plays a fame-hungry actor cast in a war movie who previously had a role as a mentally disabled character named Simple Jack.
“If you want to pick on people, as the old playground saying goes, pick on people your own size,” said Timothy Shriver, chairman of the Special Olympics, who is calling for a boycott of “Tropic Thunder” along with the other groups. “This population struggles too much with the basics to have to struggle against Hollywood. We’re sending a message that this hate speech is no longer acceptable.”

I couldn’t agree more, Tim: Hate speech is gay.

“Okay, stay cool, Katie. The scarf is working. So you forgot you had rehearsal today and had to run out of the apartment in your Tom clothes. You were caught up playing “The Ship’s Captain Meets the Young Stow Away Who is Definitely a Dude.” There’s no crime in being a good wife. Er, partner. (Sorry, Tom!) Now act natural. You were in Mad Money, dammit, and you’re a pro. Man, I am really late. If they replace me with Maggie Gyllenhaal, I will seriously flip the fuck out. But quietly in my head or else the shock collar will go off. That thing stings like a bitchass.”

These are pictures of Katie Holmes moving into her Manhattan apartment yesterday. Anyone starting to think Tom Cruise is turning her into a tall, thinner (and more manly) version of himself? Don’t be surprised to see pictures of Tom buying an “Acme Industrial Strength Breast Sander” in the future. What does Katie think about all this? That’s easy: nothing. Otherwise the bomb in her head will explode. True story.

Katie Holmes really likes Nicole Kidman and is apparently happy about about her pregnancy. She recently sent Nicole some sweet baby gifts in hopes that, the next time they meet, Nicole won’t throw a boomerang at her face. Those things fucking sting. Star reports:

Katie shipped hubby Tom Cruise’s eight-months-pregnant ex-wife a deluxe gift basket filled with onesies, stuffed toys, a baby blanket and more from Neiman Marcus in Beverly Hills, an insider tells Star.
“Katie wanted the best of everything in the basket,” the insider says. “It cost over $2,000.”

Also included was a letter that read: “Dear Nicole, please enjoy these lovely tokens of my affection and do write back. Maybe even include a description of what intercourse is like because I’ve completely forgotte…” Then there was a bunch of scribbles from the “Free-thinking Wife Suppresso-tron” firing off in Katie’s head. Tom installed it on their honeymoon by simply walking into her ear. So, technically, there marriage was consummated by some form of penetration. I stand corrected.

Tom Cruise (giving us the Klaatu Stare above) and Katie Holmes moved into their new Beverly Hills home over the weekend and threw a little housewarming party. And Oprah came! OMG! Okay, I’m calm, I’m calm. It turns out the party also had an ulterior motive steeped in Scientology. Go figure. Page Six has the details:

One attendee said, “Everyone he’s been having issues with was invited: Sumner Redstone, Steven Spielberg, Oprah Winfrey, you name it. Then there were all the gays, which was hilarious because Scientology ‘cures’ gays . . . There’s a tenet in Scientology that basically says, ‘After you cut people off, you have to invite them back in.’”

Dammit, Tom. Can’t you just have people over to keep up the illusion your marriage isn’t a sham without involving Scientology for once? And while we’re at it, Xenu Pictionary BLOWS! Yup, I went there. But, I’ll admit, the Thetan meatballs are pretty damn tasty. What are they made of again? The homeless? Oh, that’s nice.

These are images of Katie Holmes as she moved to New York City this week to prepare for her role in the Broadway production of All My Sons. And looking into those eyes, I’ve now seen the depths of crazy. Dammit, she used to be hot! Tom Cruise has gone way, way too far. Someone’s gotta do something about this and I’m looking at you, Beckhams. One of you, David, needs to take one for the team while the other, Victoria, spirits Katie to safety. The double meaning of taking “one for the team” goes without saying because it’s butt sex with Tom Cruise.

UPDATE: I just received the following e-mail from Tom Cruise. Presented here in it’s entirety:

Yeah, all that stuff. The team stuff. Make that stuff happen. I’ll pay you in Tom Cruise dollars. When Xenu is defeated in an intergalactic chariot race by yours truly, my money will be worth money! No foolin’.

Heil me!
T.C.

p.s. I’m smiling right now - Tom Cruise style! (That’s T.C. talk for “pants-free.” He he, I’m naughty!)”

My job is so friggin’ weird…

Katie has been blessed by Lord Xenu or Pizza the Hutt or whoever the hell Scientologists worship these days, and has landed a role in the Broadway revival of All My Sons, according to People:

Holmes, who had been reportedly in final negotiations for the part last March, will join John Lithgow, Dianne Wiest and Patrick Wilson in the revival this fall.
Holmes will play a woman who visits the family of her former lover, a missing pilot. It will be her first play since high school and Holmes will be on stage six nights a week.

Congratulations to Katie, it must be nice to get out of the dungeon. That said, anyone else feel like she’s probing your mind in these pics? If so, ha! Good luck, lady. Ain’t nothing in there but boobs, an episode of The A-Team and this one time I ate a really awesome sandwich then took a nap. Damn, my life rocks!

Tom Cruise is in the “risky business” (Swish!) of trying to resell himself as the mega movie star of yore. Today, he launched his new website Tom Cruise.com that includes a special message from Tom. I’m not going to run it here because a.) goddamn thing won’t copy and paste and b.) I fell asleep after the first sentence. The website suspiciously makes no mention of Katie Holmes, Scientology or even little Suri. It’s all about Tom, which makes me think it’s more of a really, really expensive singles ad. In fact, I happen to have a rough draft of Tom’s open letter to his fans that he wrote himself unlike the current letter which was written by some kid who just got beaten with a copy of “Dianetics.” I now present to you, in its entirety, Tom Cruise’s original message to his fans:

Greetings!

Thomas J. Cruise

*Only words spoken by Ben Stiller that me laugh - and I totally stole it. Please, don’t sue!

Apparently Katie Holmes recklessness (She spoke during dinner.) is getting out of hand, so Tom Cruise signed her up for an intense three-day session of Scientology Boot Camp. Star reports:

“It included various tests, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes,” a Scientology insider reveals. “Tom insists that auditing and purification practices are incredibly beneficial to Scientologists at all levels.”
Katie’s intensive Scientology training and treatments have been accelerated in recent weeks, says another source, because she wanted to go to New York City without Tom to star in a Broadway play. But Tom stepped in and put the kibosh on her plans. And now Katie’s been going in for a series of intensive auditing sessions, some which have lasted for 36 hours straight — with little sleep or food.

Above you can see Katie utilizing the always-cleansing “Xenu scream.” It can only be ended by the insertion of a “Thetan rod.” However, when everyone looked to Tom Cruise to take action, he balked and replied “Eww! With a girl?! GROSS!” Then he jumped on the back of a bee and flew to safety.

Thanks to veggi who’s a drill sergeant at Camp Kickass.

Katie Holmes wants to move to New York City with Suri - but not Tom. She’s been offered a role in the Broadway revival of All My Sons and doesn’t want Tom ass-raping her theater career like he did with her film career. Star reports:

“She desperately needs to be on her own for a while, but there’s no way Tom is going to let her take Suri away,” an insider tells Star. “There’s no way he’ll allow it. He just doesn’t want Katie — or Suri — out of his sight for long. He told her that if she goes to New York, fine, but he goes with her.”
Further, the couple’s tug of war over their daughter has intensified as of late.
“Tom wants to call all the shots when it comes to Suri,” says an insider. “He has a lot of rules, and there’s conflict.”

The Superficial has obtained some of Tom’s rules for Suri. Many Bothans died bringing us this information. God, they suck at espionage…:

1. Hugs require an E-meter reading of Clear. After that it’s $1,000 for a hug and an additional $500 for a “How’s daddy little girl?” An “I love you” is $750. No personal checks.

2. When Uncle John calls, tell him Daddy is in the shower watching Battlefield Earth. Promptly let him in upon his arrival. He’ll be in a hurry.

3. Please stay within 100 yards of Daddy. Otherwise the bomb I inserted at birth will go off. Because he hearts his little L. Ron clone-princess! Smooches!

Katie Holmes has successfully completed Phase 2 of Operation: Creepily Look like My Husband. Maybe Tom Cruise will have sex with his wife now that she’s practically a taller version of himse- no, wait. Her vagina. Shit. Nevermind…

Katie Holmes could really, seriously, for real this time possibly be pregnant again. The cover story for OK! Magazine claims she put on 10 pounds and her appearance at two red carpet events has people talking. And by people I mean the editors at OK! who are dedicated to saying Katie is pregnant every 2-3 months:

But when the slender star showed up wearing loose-fitting dresses at both the Costume Designers Guild Awards and the Essence Black Women in Hollywood Awards that seemed to reveal the hint of a bump to spectators, the question on everyone’s lips was: Could Katie have a baby on board?
“She has that special glow that only pregnant women have,” an eyewitness tells OK!. “I would say there is a strong possibility that she’s pregnant.”

Before I destroy the pregnancy rumors like the Bruce Lee of Gossip that I am, why is Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise at the Essence Black Women in Hollywood Awards? They’re neither black nor women. Moving on. First, if Katie was pregnant she wouldn’t have that special glow. She’d have the bewildered look of someone who just got inseminated by a turkey baster because her husband cries at the sight of vaginas. As for the extra 10 pounds, hello, she’s got a midget strapped to her waist. Okay, technically it’s Tom Cruise, but now you’re just splitting hairs.

Katie Holmes promoted her new movie Mad Money on The Late Show with David Letterman last night. She posed outside Ed Sullivan Theater wearing a short red coat and a whole lot of legs. Notice what’s missing from this picture? Grappling hook marks on Katie’s thighs from Tom trying to scale them. Not that I really expected them to be there, but you never know. Maybe he fell into a pint of beer one night and decided to have sex with his wife. Something about using a Cheerio as a life preserver gets Tom Cruise randy. Then again so do Jimmy Dean Sausage Links…

Katie Holmes wore a toga to the 13th Annual Critics’ Choice Awards last night. Meanwhile, across town, Tom Cruise returns home with an exact replica of Gerard Butler’s outfit from 300 - complete with fake beard. Katie will look perfect in this, he thought. Hey, where’s my toga dress I laid on the bed for me to wear tonight? *turns on the TV* Goddammit…

Katie Holmes accompanied Tom Cruise to the Bambi Awards in Germany this evening. Katie showed off her new hairdo which further proves that she is just a giant walking doll for Tom Cruise to play dress-up with. I’m looking forward to her next look which I’m willing to bet will be a lumberjack. Complete with real-live moustache. How’d she do that? Let’s just say Tom does the cooking and added an extra ingredient. He’s not saying, but here’s a hint: It’s hormone pills.