Ha ha! Remember Crazy Britney? Good times. Except when it comes to taking the blame which brings us to Lynne Spears who continues to promote her new book Through the Storm: How I Pimped My Children Then Profited from their Downfall Thanks to Your Purchase. Today she stopped by FOX News’ The Morning Show With Mike and Juliet where Lynne convinced nobody but herself that she cashed in on her kids:

On Britney and Jamie Lynn’s careers:
“People think I was this stage mom, that I was pushing my daughters to do what they did. I was actually their cheerleader. I have never been their manager, that’s never been my role. I was the one that got their coffee in the morning and [got them] out of bed.”

On Kevin Federline:
“I do like Kevin. He has been good to us,” she says. “Kevin could have been a real pill about a lot of things, but he wasn’t. He worked with us and has really tried to make everything good for the boys. He has thought about them through all of this.”

On Sarah Palin:
“I’m glad she didn’t have to go through as much scrutiny as I did. Nobody wants their children to have these kinds of hardships or bumps. Who would want that?”

Some conspiracy theorists (Read: Me) theorize that Lynne Spears slept with Kevin Federline thus sending Britney into a psychological tail spin. And, is it me, or did Lynne just admit that when she said “I do like Kevin.”? Everyone knows it’s scientifically impossible to like something but not have sex with it. Coincidentally, this is also the same excuse I used for why I ruined the turkey during Thanksgiving dinner last year. I expect the same response here: SUCCESS!

Britney Spears is making a comeback, folks. She’s stronger than yesterday. Her loneliness ain’t killing her no more. And I’m now going to shoot myself for quoting that song. While I load the gun, check out the latest from OK! Magazine on her climb back to the top after getting her ass pumped full of sunshine at the VMAs:

On her mom’s book:
“Regardless of what people might think, Britney isn’t upset about the book,” an insider tells OK!. “After a tough last year, Brit and Lynne have a wonderful relationship again.”

On fighting for her kids:
“Her goal is to regain joint custody of her sons as soon as her dad Jamie’s status as her conservator ends,” a Spears insider tells OK!.

On planning a “traditional” birthday party:
She is organizing a joint affair for her sons to celebrate Jayden’s second birthday on Sept. 12 and Preston’s third birthday on Sept. 14, with the help of her father.
“I want to have a traditional party,” she told OK!. “I have some friends with kids who I am going to invite.”

Wow! Britney’s inviting children to a children’s party? I’m actually impressed. Especially since last year she invited a pack of stray dogs and Michael Jackson. Also, the cake was coconut. BARF!

Michael Lohan is challenging Kevin Federline to a charity boxing match, according to OK! Magazine:

“Everyone wants me to fight K-fed because he’s a notorious celebrity dad and so am I,” Michael tells OK! exclusively. “It’s for charity.”
In addition to amusing those who want to see these two slug it out — the money would benefit the organization, Long Island’s Fight For Charity. But, adds Michael, this isn’t some touchy-feely event. “It’s serious boxing,” he explains. “You have to go get a trainer. I have to register with the Mature Boxing Association.”

If Michael Lohan was really serious about helping the children, he’d make it a knife-fight to the death. Then again, that’s just me and my incredible passion for charity. It’s all about the kids.

Kevin Federline apparently likes the name “Britney” no matter how it’s spelled. He was recently beguiled by the beauty of socialite Brittny Gastineau (above) whose greatest and sole accomplishment is coming out of a wealthy vagina. Page Six reports::

The famous ex of Britney Spears was at Coco de Ville in LA “staring at Brittny Gastineau while she was waiting in line for the bathroom,” said our spy. Federline, who has custody of his and Spears’ sons, “wouldn’t stop checking her out, up and down, but Brittny was not interested.”

Wait. Staring at a woman at the bar for uncomfortable lengths of time does not get you laid? Jesus, poor Kevin Federline must feel like his whole world is a lie. Next, you’re going to tell him wearing a ski mask and waiting for them in the parking lot isn’t “romantic.” *sigh* He’ll never figure girls out…

Lawyers for Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reached a settlement in their custody battle. Britney agreed to allowing Kevin full custody of the boys while keeping her visitation intact. More visitation will be granted towards the end of the year, according to TMZ:

The settlement is a huge development because next month’s trial is now kaput. We’re told Brit, grandpa Jamie and K-Fed all wanted to avoid the expense, emotional wear and tear and media frenzy connected with a full-blown trial.

So, hurray! No more batshit court cases, right? Guess again. That’s like saying I’m not made of sexy neutrons. People reports:

“Until the kids turn 18, we can expect in years to come that Britney and Kevin will be back in court,” says L.A. family lawyer Lynn Soodik, who is not involved with the case. “Britney will have a better chance of winning more custody once she regains her health. This is just the end of Round One.”

Round One? Round ONE!? Jesus, this feels like Round One Million. I could lead a long, productive life never hearing about another Britney Spears court case again. Okay, that’s not true. I’ll lead a short, drunk existence that will ultimately end with someone yelling “Hey, you’re not the pilot!” But you guys get the point.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline met yesterday for a private mediation session in an effort to avoid bringing their custody battle to trial. It didn’t work. But, however, Kevin’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan spoke to E! News and says the talks were productive and both sides left happy. There was no mention of whether that involved giving Britney a Happy Meal:

“The mediation didn’t result in an agreement that would avoid the trial set in August… The mood was comfortable, positive and it was a mood that was consistent with opening at least a great dialogue, which is necessary.
“Kevin has had sole legal custody since January. He wants that to become the permanent order at trial, and the visitation to be consistent with what the court expanded it to this week.”

Of course, my sources tell me that part of the reason the talks failed is because Britney kept demanding “custardy.” “Custardy!” she’d cry. “I want custardy!” Realizing things weren’t going as planned on her Etch a Sketch, Britney switched to Plan B: Vadge in the eye. Everyone quickly turned in fear but not Kevin. No way. He wasn’t backing down this time. Not now, not ev - Jumpin’ Jesus it winked at him. SECURITY!

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline met yesterday for a private mediation session in an effort to avoid bringing their custody battle to trial. It didn’t work. But, however, Kevin’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan spoke to E! News and says the talks were productive and both sides left happy. There was no mention of whether that involved giving Britney a Happy Meal:

“The mediation didn’t result in an agreement that would avoid the trial set in August… The mood was comfortable, positive and it was a mood that was consistent with opening at least a great dialogue, which is necessary.
“Kevin has had sole legal custody since January. He wants that to become the permanent order at trial, and the visitation to be consistent with what the court expanded it to this week.”

Of course, my sources tell me that part of the reason the talks failed is because Britney kept demanding “custardy.” “Custardy!” she’d cry. “I want custardy!” Realizing things weren’t going as planned on her Etch a Sketch, Britney switched to Plan B: Vadge in the eye. Everyone quickly turned in fear but not Kevin. No way. He wasn’t backing down this time. Not now, not ev - Jumpin’ Jesus it winked at him. SECURITY!

After yesterday’s decision to allow Britney Spears overnight visits with her sons, the commissioner has ordered that Britney and Kevin meet today at a “neutral, non-court” location to reach a permanent settlement in their custody battle, according to OK! Magazine:

These talks would be very similar to the closed-door mediation sessions that took place during the former couple’s divorce — even more so now that Laura Wasser, Brit’s original attorney in her feud with Federline, has been brought back on the team.

Britney suggested the following locations: KFC, Starbucks or Space Mountain. But she’s, for the children, willing to compromise and meet at Chuck E. Cheese. Provided they take periodic breaks for Skee-ball and lifting up the feet of the animatronic band. Ha ha! Bears aren’t made of metal.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline were in court today for a custody hearing that actually had a happy ending. Both were seen leaving the courthouse in high spirits. Especially Britney who now has overnight visits with her sons. Unfortunately, she destroyed both their beds using them to slide down the stairs when her dad wasn’t home. What? She doesn’t know how to work the TV. TMZ reports:

Sources tell us Brit Brit, who has been slowly gaining visitation back inch by inch, has made such progress the Commish agreed in court today she’s ready to have sons Jayden James and Sean Preston with her overnight. We hear Britney’s parenting coach Lisa Hacker was at the hearing today, and answered several questions from the Commish.

It should be noted that, in an unprecedented legal decision, Kevin was granted permission to arm Jayden with a gun during the overnights. At first everyone gasped, then slowly started nodding their heads when they realized it was actually the greatest idea in the history of law. As for Britney, she just sat quietly and ate paper from a legal pad. “Why doesn’t this taste like bananas?” she thought.

The commissioner overseeing Britney Spears’ conservatorship has agreed to allow Britney to sell her house. She’s eyeing up a $5.6 million mansion in Encino which is conveniently closer to Kevin Federline. My people tell me it’s obviously to improve the reception of their phone sex. Although, I could’ve done without the visual aid,Geekologist. I hope you plan on marrying that Blackberry. E! Online reports:

Spears has not exactly endeared herself to fellow denizens of the community, who have complained about the constant presence of paparazzi outside the gates. Some reports have blamed Spears as the reason neighbor Ed McMahon has not received a single offer on his $6.5 million house that’s facing foreclosure.

I really feel this is best for the children. And, no, not Britney’s kids. I’m talking the ones her neighbors would sacrifice so God will take pity and shield their eyes from “Beezelbub’s Hatchet Wound.” On a brighter note, Ed McMahon can finally stop wasting his golden years scaling Britney’s gate with a blowgun and promises of fried chicken.

Kevin Federline was dubbed “Father of the Year” yesterday at Club Prive in Las Vegas. Kevin reportedly showed up two hours late for the honor then requested the award ceremony be private so clubgoers couldn’t see it. (Having kids is nature’s own cockblock. Google it.) Us Magazine reports:

“I’m surprised,” Federline said when asked how it felt to win the title.
Federline, 30, hit up the club with a group of male pals — including divorce attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan — just before 1 a.m. Saturday morning.

Maxim model Tammi Donaldson (above) also showed up for the festivities to provide the obligatory side boob: a staple of any good Fathers Day. Which is why every year I send my dad a stripper-gram. Sure, he’s got high blood pressure, and mom threatened to shoot the next one, but it’s one day out of the year when I can say “I love you, dad” the only way I know how. Is that so wrong? Or worth pressing charges?

UPDATE: I’m out of the will, and the stripper-gram company says I owe them a red-head before five. He got my letter! *sigh*

At long last Kevin Federline is being recognized as the Daddy of all Daddies. A Las Vegas club will honor K-Fed’s dedication to his children, and his unwavering efforts to protect them from their mother’s vagina. People reports:

Just in time for Father’s Day, Prive Las Vegas will award the proud papa of four his “father of the year” status at a party he is slated to host there June 13.
Sources tell PEOPLE he will be awarded the title during a presentation at the club.

Of course, when your ex-wife is Britney Spears, it’s pretty easy to look like an awesome parent in comparison. Kevin could’ve dropped Jayden in the lion’s den at the zoo and still came out ahead. People would be patting him on the back saying “Oh, don’t worry about it. Kids’ arms grow back all the time.” Then Kevin would ask “Really?” And they’d say “No, not really. Jesus, someone should sterilize you before you reproduce again.”

Kevin Federline’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan paid a visit to this morning’s The Today Show where he elaborated on Britney’s new custody situation. He also dodged around questions of Britney and Kevin getting ready to make some more Cheetos porn. (Fingers crossed!) Here’s the details via People:

“If you’re going to have two parents participate in the lives of raising their children,” said Kaplan, “there has to be some camaraderie between them for that to be a meaningful expectation and reality.”
But are things better between the ex-husband and wife?
“When you go from where things were, when there was no visitation, to where they are now,” said Kaplan, “there will be some contact … there’d be some ability to exchange a camaraderie that is necessary and a function of co-parenting together.”

Britney and Kevin are definitely getting along - all the way to PhoneSexBurg! A source for Star says Kev and Brit go at it AT&T-style once a week:

While they initially chatted about their boys — Preston, 2, and Jayden, 20 months — the conversation shifted. And as Britney hoped, Kevin knew exactly how to tire her out — with hours of erotic talk!
“They have phone sex often — at least once a week,” an insider tells Star. “The one thing those two have in common is their need for sex, and after they get going, there are no holds barred.”

I don’t know about you guys, but I fully support Kevin and Britney doing it over the phone. Wanna know why? No chance of pregnancy - I think. Hold on, let me call this girl I had phone sex with once. *beep boo bop boo beep* Hey, how are you? Long time no phone sex. Say, you don’t have any kids do you? Uh huh. Your lawyer is tracing this call? Back child support, you say? Uh huh. Well, I had no idea my sperm was that strong. Uh huh. I tried putting a condom on the phone but you sounded like Darth Vader! Okay, tell you what. I’ll get my checkbook and do the honorable thing. Just, uh, give me a sec here.. *runs to Mexico*

Britney Spears has been granted a “graduated expansion” of her time with sons Jayden and Sean, according to Kevin Federline’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan via TMZ’s live feed. It appears to be official that Britney is no longer batshit insane and has demonstrated as much to the court. Kevin still retains full custody of the kids and, at this time, Britney’s visits are still monitored. Though it was hinted that not every visit will be monitored. After Mark Kaplan spoke, Britney’s parents issued a statement declaring their happiness with Britney’s improvement and the court’s decision.

I think I speak for everybody who’s keeping their mouth shut that Britney’s main problem was Sam Lutfi. The dude disappears and suddenly she knows how to wear underwear and speak her own language. That’s a pretty big coincidence. Also she’s no longer sandbagging Adnan, so whatever drugs Sam was given her that makes her fall in love with Middle Eastern-looking men has effectively worn off. Great. Now what do I do with all these turbans?

Britney Spears will do the unthinkable today and actually appear to request more visitation time with her kids. In a stark contrast from the fall, Britney has her shit together and many expect her to get more QT with the chitlin’s. The AP reports:

With that stability and momentum to build on, it would appear Spears’ child-custody hearing Tuesday had the potential for a positive outcome — as long as she gets it together to show up this time. All indications are that she will.

Okay, this is how crazy the whole Britney situation is. And, what I’m about to tell you is a true story: So, everybody has dreams about their work. Well, the other night, I had a dream that Britney and I hooked up. Which isn’t that off the wall, except, here’s the kicker. Brace yourself: I didn’t wake up screaming. Whoa, right? I apologize for totally tripping your mind and understand if you need a few minutes to just sit under your desk and get a grip on reality. Lord knows I did…

On Monday I reported that Kevin Federline is still in love with Britney. Well, it turns out the two saw each other over Easter and are in talks for a getaway to rekindle their romance. Now would be a good time to buy Cheetos stock.Star reports:

And that March 23 rendezvous went so well, insiders explain, that Brit and Kevin have agreed to take a trip far from the glare of Hollywood to work on their relationship.
“Kevin wants to take Britney away to see if there is anything to salvage between them,” a family friend tells Star. “When he suggested it to her, she told him she was ready to go anytime he was.”

May I recommend a location for the lovebirds? It’s a quiet little place. Don’t know if you heard it. It’s called THE CENTER OF THE MOTHERFUCKING SUN! I’ll provide the rocket. Get NASA on the line. Tell them “The Pillsbury Dough Girl is ready for the oven.” Be sure they know I mean Britney and not Jennifer Love Hewitt. Our puny Earth rockets are only so strong. For now…

Video of Britney after the jump leaving Tracey Ross in West Hollywood and having her giant bodyguard crawl over her. Spoiler: She lives.

Kevin Federline still has feelings for his vagina-flashing ex-wife Britney Spears. Could there be a reunion in the works? And, God help us all, another offspring down the line? Showbiz Spy reports:

“I still love Britney. She’s the mother of my children,” Federline, 30, said.
And Jamie Spears — Britney’s dad — is even reportedly encouraging the pair to reunite.

Ack! Britney’s dad is trying to make this happen?! WTGDF?! Seriously, if these two get back together you know she’s popping out another kid then going off the deep end. And I was really starting to like how things are now. You know, where I hardly ever see her face anymore. Do you know how hard it is to constantly type Frappucino? I had to hire midgets to move my fingers. True story.

Kevin Federline is officially over the hill and celebrated this weekend at Pure in Las Vegas. He got totally K-shitfaced and made an ass out of himself in front of his friends/people who want his sweet Britney money, according to The Sun:

Swigging Jack Daniels, he partied all night to some of his favourite tunes, and was presented with a cake at midnight - which pals decided to smear all over his face.
At one point Kev grabbed a microphone and told the crowd: “I lost my voice at the craps tables and I lost all my money.”

In a surprising twist to his long drawn out custody battle, Kevin actually lost both of the kids in a game of craps. Their new father is a hobo who drunkenly found $20 in a gutter outside. A true Cinderella story. Anyway, he lives in an old scrap heap so, finally, Sean and Jayden will know the joy of a safe home. *sniff* Dreams do come true…

NOTE: I included a video (after the jump) the guys and gals at the Fresno Bee whipped up to celebrate the K-Fed’s birthday. Apparently, he’s a native of Fresno and those people love gold diggers. Just love ‘em!

Thanks to Heather who I hope one day will move up to the Denver Praying Mantis: A Fine Metropolitan Newspaper that I Just Made Up.

Kevin Federline might be coming to Broadway. He’s reportedly been offered a role in the Tony-nominated musical Legally Blonde based on the nothing-nominated movie. Us Magazine reports:

The former backup dancer and aspiring hip-hop artist — who is hitting the gym after packing on “daddy weight,” ex Shar Jackson says — will test his song-and-dance chops in a trio of roles — including the UPS guy who inspires the “bend and snap.”
“This is his chance to show the world what he can do,” says a pal.

This is an outrage! The UPS guy is a pivotal role in the Legally Blonde canon. It’s the part where Elle Woods’ spunky can-do attitude inspires the lowly nail-salon worker to have confidence in herself. And they’re giving it to Kevin Federline! Ooh, so angry right now. Blood pressure rising. Superficial Writer SMASH! *crushes donut* Boston Creme was a bad choice. RHAR!

Kevin Federline’s lawyers are arguing that Britney Spears should have to pay his legal bills, but Kevin isn’t as poor as he makes it sound. Just recently he tipped a waitress $2,000 on a $365 check. Britney’s new lawyer Stacy Phillips is calling bullshit on the K-Fed, according to NY Daily News:

Phillips told the court commissioner Federline should pay between $150,000 and $175,000 and claimed he omitted his $200,000 spousal- support checks from his earning declarations. Phillips also argued that Federline recently tipped a waitress $2,000 on a $365 bill, and has blown $20,000 on jewelry, phone calls and food while listing the charges as “business expenses.”

By means of scientific deduction, I’m assuming Kevin was at Hooter’s when he left the two grand tip. Those chicks get you every time. I went once for some chicken wings, by the end of the night I bought my waitress a house. I don’t know how she did it. All I remember is she sat at my table, told me I was a really nice guy and BAM! I’m signing a mortage with blue cheese. How did she me coming? Maybe because I spelled “Hot Stuff” on my shirt with hundred dollar bills. Nah, that’s just being suave and debonair. Back me up, ladies.