Sad news, America. Kim Kardashian won’t be sashaying across your TV screens again. While it was rumored she’d be replacing recently injured Misty May-Treanor on Dancing with the Stars, producers opted to go another route, according to E! News:

As it turns out, no one will be returning to fill Misty’s prematurely empty dancing shoes, vacated this week after the beach-volleyball champ became the first contestant to have to withdraw from Dancing With the Stars midseason due to injury.
Instead, no elimination occurred in light of Misty’s injury and this week’s scores and votes will be added to next week’s totals.

And once again executives at ABC have wisely determined viewers prefer the pruned maneuverings of Cloris Leachman over Kim Kardashian’s attempt to defy physics by forcing her Mack truck ass to do the Charleston. I swear, it’s like they’re reading my mind!

Coming off the heels of a recent elimination, Kim Kardashian could be returning to Dancing with the Stars as early as this week to replace Olympic volleyball player Misty May-Treanor who ruptured her Achilles tendon on Friday. E! News reports:

ABC says that “[Misty’s] condition will be addressed on the show,” and Kim is not officially confirming that she is back in if Misty is out, but when contacted by E! News, Kardashian (who is in New Orleans for boyfriend Reggie Bush’s Monday Night Football game at the Superdome) says: “If they ask me to, I’m available. I’m back home tomorrow. We’ll see!”

In related news: Despite an economic meltdown, stock prices in the girdle market soared today…

Kim Kardashian posted this picture with a blog saying this picture of her at 14 is proof she did not get plastic surgery to improve on her a$$ets.

This is a picture of me when I was about 14 years old in a bikini. I hope after seeing this you guys will never ask me a plastic surgery question again! I have had a size C since I was 11 years old! So one day I will definitely get a lift, but I am waiting until after I have kids. Until then I rely on a great supportive bra! LOL!
All the butt implant rumors are just so not true and now just silly to me. I have answered dozens of times “no I do not have butt implants,” but people just don’t seem to want to believe it!

So now that you have seen that picture of Kim Kardashian at 14, do you think she got plastic surgery?

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Kim Kardashian has knocked down rumors on her official blog that she’s had plastic surgery by posting the above picture of herself. Can you guess how old she is? Try 14. Ha ha ha! You’re going to jail. Here’s the word from Kim:

I believe I have answered this question before but here I go again…
I HAVE NOT EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY!!!
I am definitely not against it at all, but haven’t yet had it! Personally, lip injections are the thing I would never do—even if I didn’t have full lips.
I think lip injections look very fake and bad and I wouldn’t want to kiss anyone with stuff in their lips—so I wouldn’t do it to myself.
This is a picture of me when I was about 14 years old in a bikini. I hope after seeing this you guys will never ask me a plastic surgery question again! I have had a size C since I was 11 years old! So one day I will definitely get a lift, but I am waiting until after I have kids. Until then I rely on a great supportive bra! LOL!
All the butt implant rumors are just so not true and now just silly to me. I have answered dozens of times “no I do not have butt implants,” but people just don’t seem to want to believe it!
I have always had an insecurity with my nose… People also have assumed I have had a nose job, but I have not! I look exactly the same as I did when I was a kid, except my nose has grown a little. I hate the bump on the side of my nose, but am way too afraid to mess with my face!
If you are considering plastic surgery, please please please know you can never ever change it back and you will never be the same. That could be a very good thing or a very bad thing! Make sure you have thought long and hard and that the plastic surgeon is board certified and has an amazing track record!
Don’t ever take the cheaper way out! This is your body and ultimately your life!
Yours in truth,
Kim

Hmm, we’ve got a lot in common, Kim Kardashian. I’ve never had plastic surgery either. Turns out it’s illegal to look “too sexy.” No, really, if a doctor were to augment this chiseled face, he’d lose his license. But the government can’t keep me down - which is why I bought an eye patch, ladies.

Kim Kardashian’s run on Dancing with the Stars has come to an end already. She was surprisingly voted off last night considering followers of the show believed Cloris Leachman, who had the lowest score, would get the boot. E! Online reports:

Tonight’s send-off was most definitely a family affair…Kim and her partner Mark Ballas were up against Cloris and her partner, Corky, who is Mark Ballas’ father. And at the end, Kim took the news like a champ, mentioning it was the fifth anniversary of her own father’s death, and she was sure he’d be proud of her.
“This was a huge challenge for me,” Kim tells us tonight. “Every dance was a huge accomplishment for me and I did the best I could. And this was the best experience of my life.”

Wow, Kim loses to old-as-hell Cloris Leachman then brings up it’s the anniversary of her father’s death. Of course, it is. Jesus. I swear, Kim has three boilerplate responses to bad news:

1. It’s the anniversary of my dad’s death.

2. I’m just trying to be a good role-model to my little sisters Kylie and Kendall.

3. Don’t come back in this bedroom until you finish that Big Gulp.

NOTE: Video of Kim and Mark dancing to Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” after the jump.

A cleavagey Kim Kardashian performed with Mark Ballas last night on the premiere of Dancing with the Stars. Up until about 30 minutes ago, I could proudly say I’ve never seen even a clip of this show. I want a fucking time machine. In the meantime, Kim’s routine kicks in around the 1:50 mark if you want to skip her bullshit introduction that obviously included specific instructions from Kim not to film her ass. You know, because ABC cast her for her “star power” and “charism- HA HA HA! I tried. Really, I did.

A cleavagey Kim Kardashian performed with Mark Ballas last night on the premiere of Dancing with the Stars. Up until about 30 minutes ago, I could proudly say I’ve never seen even a clip of this show. I want a fucking time machine. In the meantime, Kim’s routine kicks in around the 1:50 mark if you want to skip her bullshit introduction that obviously included specific instructions from Kim not to film her ass. You know, because ABC cast her for her “star power” and “charism- HA HA HA! I tried. Really, I did.

Dear Kim Kardashian,

Recently, you stated on your blog that you weigh “right under 120 lbs.” When many commenters on The Superficial and on your site, before they were erased, rightfully cried “Bullshit!” (Including myself who, physically possessing half your mass, weighs 145 lbs), you posted an update saying you would videotape yourself getting on a scale. You’ve since edited that update to say you would slide yourself into a pair of size 27 jeans then posted a video of yourself doing just that.

Kim, this proves nothing. (Except that you have access to butter.) So, here’s my proposal to you to end these shenanigans once and for all:

I challenge you, Kim Kardashian, to walk into any department store and step on a scale in front of a random camera crew. I’d be more than happy to meet you there and show you how a scale works in case you’re not familiar with the process. What can I say? I’m a gentleman.

Should you weigh 120 lbs or less, I will write a post encouraging folks to vote for you on Dancing with the Stars provided you don’t get kicked off tonight. I will also concede that you don’t wear a buttpad. (Even though we both know the truth. *wink*)

Should you weigh 121 lbs or more, you will walk around with “The Superficial.com” written prominently on your spacious rear while traversing around downtown LA. - in a bikini.

Or you could simply come clean and admit you’re at least a buck forty. Ball’s in your court - unless Khloe ate it, in which case, I’ll FedEx another one over.

Sincerely,
The Superficial Writer

P.S. Thanks for reading the site!

Who’s ready for a story about how big of a bitch Kim Kardashian is? I know I am. I don’t know about you, but I love a good “Kim is a selfish behemoth” tale because they’re always so full of hope and promise and love for one’s fellow man. So, without further ado, here’s an eyewitness account from a Defamer Australia reader who got stuck in a traffic jam only to watch Kim Kardashian impede the progress of rescue workers because she was on the phone. Inspiring!:

After 5-10 minutes, I see a tow truck and a fire truck coming our way from around Fairfax, but traffic is now pretty jacked so it’s slow. The tow truck is all set to come down the emergency lane when this
giant black tinted Escalade looking thing cuts in front of it to pass the stalled traffic. Keep in mind the tow truck has flashers on. As the Escalade gets closer, I’m waving my hands to tell it to get over, but it won’t. Then I notice the chick driving is on her cell, holding it up to her ear. I walk up to her car now, hit the passenger side door and say “get over - there’s a tow truck and a fire truck behind you - there’s been a bad accident.”
At this point, she rolls down the window to reveal her KIM KARDASHIAN self […] who tells me “Don’t you touch my car.” I thought, “Are you fucking kidding me?! there’s a guy on the sidewalk with his head bleeding.” I then screamed at her “Are you fucking kidding me?! There’s a guy on the sidewalk with his head bleeding!!” to which she responds “I know, but don’t touch my car.” She finally merges into the other lane and jams it through the yellow light to make the intersection.
She said “I know?” I KNOW that I’m holding up rescue in my tinted-arse Escalade looking thing and on my cell, but the only thing I care about is not to hit my car.

Okay, all joking aside, we shouldn’t jump to conclusions. Kim could’ve been in the middle of a very important phone call. For all we know, the price of mustache wax just shot up. Or buttpads now require a permit. Let us not be so quick to judg - wait, I got it, O.J. wants his money back. That explains it….

Thanks to Susan who always figured Kim Kardashian, of all people, would have more respect for the Jaws of Life.

NOTE: And, get the fuck out, reader Brandon just alerted me that Kim Kardashian is claiming to be 120 lbs. on her blog. Per cheek, maybe.

These are shots of Kim Kardashian picking up her drycleaning while on a rehearsal break from Dancing with the Stars. I’m no scientist, but I’m pretty sure Kim’s ass directly affects the tides of the Earth’s oceans. I tried to conduct some research, but she spotted me in my spacesuit. Also, the moon rover I was driving stalled halfway up her left cheek. Awkward.

While filming an episode of their TV show Keeping up with the Kardashians, the family all wore shirts encouraging Dancing with the Stars viewers to vote for Kim Kardashian who’s competing on the upcoming season. Shameless, sure, but what I’m more disappointed about is these people missed a huge advertising opportunity. I’m, of course, talking about the mountainous ledge above that could provide shade for an entire city. C’mon, does anyone really look at anything else when watching the Kardashian’s show? I mean, I just found out the other day Khloe has a face. Ha ha, who saw that coming?

While filming an episode of their TV show Keeping up with the Kardashians, the family all wore shirts encouraging Dancing with the Stars viewers to vote for Kim Kardashian who’s competing on the upcoming season. Shameless, sure, but what I’m more disappointed about is these people missed a huge advertising opportunity. I’m, of course, talking about the mountainous ledge above that could provide shade for an entire city. C’mon, does anyone really look at anything else when watching the Kardashian’s show? I mean, I just found out the other day Khloe has a face. Ha ha, who saw that coming?

While filming an episode of their TV show Keeping up with the Kardashians, the family all wore shirts encouraging Dancing with the Stars viewers to vote for Kim Kardashian who’s competing on the upcoming season. Shameless, sure, but what I’m more disappointed about is these people missed a huge advertising opportunity. I’m, of course, talking about the mountainous ledge above that could provide shade for an entire city. C’mon, does anyone really look at anything else when watching the Kardashian’s show? I mean, I just found out the other day Khloe has a face. Ha ha, who saw that coming?

Kim Kardashian and her partner Mark Ballas headed to practice yesterday for the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars and, Jesus Santa Claus Christ, I thought she was supposed to be toning that thing down - not trying to land aircrafts on it. Someone toss Kim in the Persian Gulf. I want choppers landing on that ass by 0800.

Dedicated to our men and women in uniform. I got ya covered.

Kim Kardashian wants to break into the music business, and, honestly, I can’t blame her. If Heidi Montag’s fake tits can score a record deal, I think Kim’s ass deserves an LP at the very least. But that’s just me. E! Online reports:

“I would be down, if it was something fun. I love music, so it would just have to be the right thing.”
If and when she pursues this, Kim has an all-star list of performers with whom she’d like to collaborate…
“I’d say a little bit Michael Jackson in there. I would love to work with, like, Timbaland as a producer and maybe Justin Timberlake.”

So, basically, by saying she wants to work with Timbaland and Justin Timberlake, Kim Kardashian just wants a CD with her face on it. Okay, that’s not entirely fair. I’m sure she’ll at least say “Uh uh, baby” on one of the tracks. I smell Grammy! No, wait, it’s mustache wax. I always get those two confused.

via Raw Vegas
I know that is from a two weeks ago, but it was too good not to post. Especially now that she is doing Dancing with the Stars. I wonder if that is how she is going to dance on the show, if she does those moves in that outfit, she might have the advantage on DWTS 7.

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Kim Kardashian is training hard for the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars and is prepared to reveal more and more of her infamous butt as the show progresses. There’s nothing using a woman’s astronomically large ass that once starred in a porno as a source of family entertainment. God bless you, ABC! People reports:

“I’m hoping that it’ll firm it up and shape it up,” she said during a launch party for the Pink Blackberry Curve at L.A. boutique Intermix. “Everyone is asking if I’m worried it’s going to go away. No, it’s going to tone it up. I can use that.”
So, will she flaunt what she’s got in sexy and slinky ballroom costumes? Kardashian said she expects to show off more than a little skin as the competition moves forward.

Despite the prospect of some Kim ass I still won’t watch. Mainly because I did the math and it’ll take at least 100 episodes before we see some crack. You can’t fight the numbers, folks.

NOTE: Your eyes are not deceiving you: these are shots of Kim leaving a hair removal center - and, damn, not a moment too soon. Here’s what she looked like prior to treatment. Mamma mia!

ABC announced this morning that Kim Kardashian would compete on the upcoming season of Dancing with the Stars. Apparently, Kim was so excited she decided to walk on broken glass. (Ha ha! Gypsies.) After a quick trip to the ER, Kim called Good Morning America to say she’ll still be dancing thus allaying the fear of five, maybe six, people. Us Magazine reports:

She said she used her foot to push away a broken “mirrored, Venetian little desk” and cut herself “pretty badly” in her New York City hotel room.
“If you saw my room, it looked like a murder scene!” Kardashian said.

Let this be a lesson, folks: Never use a mirror to try and see if your younger siblings are stuck in your ass cheeks again. It might sound good on paper, but it only ends in bloodshed.

The More You Know….

Dear Mr. President,

It is with the deepest regret that I must inform you of grave news: The terrorists have won. Attached is photographic evidence that is not for the weak at heart. (Now, would be a good time to eat a cookie and give the photos to Dick Cheney. Everyone likes a helper!)
During this darkest hour, I can’t help but think, had you provided me with a jetpack, we could’ve turned this thing around. Sure, I only wanted to wear it while having sex with models, but if you know another way to win the war on terror, I’m all ears.

Didn’t think so,

The Superficial Writer

NOTE: Video after the jump. It’s the only one I could get my hands on, and it, uh, might try to sell you porn. So, no need to thank me. I love my peoples!

Before adorning her ass, Kim Kardashian’s shorts once functioned as a table cloth for a family of 12, a hot air balloon cover and an old time revival tent. They would later go on to become the official plaid donor for not only the PGA tour, but the entire country of Scotland. True story.