Here’s Kristen Bell allowing Dax Shepard to slather her bikini body with suntan lotion. Yeah, it’s only spray-on lotion, but I’m pretty sure this is conclusive evidence that either God doesn’t exist or is drunk again. Dax Shepard gets to nail Kristen Bell: HA! Good one, big guy. But, seriously, I’m gonna need those keys…

Kristen Bell is filming a scene for her new movie When in Rome where her character gets all kinds of drunk and rocks the cleavage. If Kristen is basing this on her own drinking habits, we are so much alike. And they say a good relationship is built on common interests. In this case, getting smashed in public, wearing a dress and wading through a fountain. Okay, you got me: I more into tank tops and mini-skirts. It wasn’t meant to be. *sigh* Now I’m all depressed. Anyone got a pair of control tops and a bottle of hooch I can borrow? Eh, I’ll just raid the Geekologist’s purse. *rummage rummage* Nothing but LEGOs and lip gloss. Slut.

Kristen Bell loves her some hockey. And on top of that she loves her some hockey players. The hell she’s doing with Dax Sheppard is beyond me. She chatted with NHL.com yesterday and declared her preference for a high-sticker over low-sticker Brad Pitt*:

NHL.com: If you could meet any hockey player, who would you meet and why?
KB: Chris Osgood was my first crush. Brad Pitt be damned, he had nothing on Osgood’s rookie skill and sad eyes. There was actually a day in high school when I wrote on a name tag ‘Mrs. Osgood’ and wore it the whole day. I really thought we were perfect for each other. I’d love to meet him and probably apologize that things never worked out.

Then Kristen made the interview even spicier by talking about herself in a Catholic schoolgirl outfit. [insert sizzling sound here]:

NHL.com: What is your favorite hockey memory?
KB: My parents submitted a picture of me, in my catholic school uniform, with my arms around the Stanley Cup. It ended up on the ticket for Game 2 of the Stanley Cup Semifinals.

Dear Kristen Bell,

I played a lot of Ice Hockey on the NES back in the day - and did I mention Blades of Steel? I’ll be waiting patiently while you strip out of your clothes and lustfully ice skate into my arms.

Yours truly,
The Superficial Writer

*Oh yeah, I went there.

These are shots of Kristen Bell yesterday on the set of her new movie When in Rome. I’ll let you guys figure out why I posted them. Here’s a clue to get you started: It has nothing to do with my love of the Mediterranean but everything to do with my love of Kristen Bell’s butt in jogging pants. Happy hunting, super sleuths!

Kristen Bell has been trying to keep her relationship with Dax Shepard out of the public eye. Some say it’s to maintain a sense of privacy. I say it’s out of shame, utter remorse and did I mention shame? Anyway, the two were spotted yesterday being very affectionate on South Beach. I don’t really see the appeal of Dax Shepard, but I guess chicks dig mediocre acting talent coupled with sub-par looks. Awesome. I’m screwed. Now what am I supposed to do with these granite abs? Besides letting supermodels pay me to touch them.

Kristen Bell was photographed trying on some clothes at Rumors in Sherman Oaks. I’m not feeling the striped dress, Kristen. Looks too much like a bathrobe and I can’t stand the things. I prefer my women to air-dry after exiting the shower. Which is why I hide all the towels when my girlfriend spends the night. My roommate gets kind of annoyed, but, hey, I left him a whole roll of toilet paper to dry off with. Quilted Northern, son. That’s the Cadillac of butt wipes. Man, that guy doesn’t appreciate anything.

Kristen Bell won the award for “Hottest Newcomer” at the 2007 Spike Video Game Awards. Kristen was recognized for her work on the show Heroes and the video game Assassin’s Creed. Wow, Kristen Bell has invaded two of things I love: Heroes and video games. If she starts showing up inside beer bottles, I might have to marry her. But for now, I’m just going to keep my fingers cross that she invades something even more awesome: my pants.

Video of Kristen Bell receiving her award after the jump. (Warning: Contains Heidi and Spencer from The Hills. The Superficial is not liable for the brick you’ll throw through the monitor.)