Lauren Conrad’s neighbors would like to see her and Audrina Patridge relocate sooner rather than later. Preferably somewhere where bombs are tested. Production for The Hills is making life goddamn ridiculous for people on the girls’ street. Radar Online has the details:

On the never ending light show:
The neighbor continued, saying, “they’re running a soundstage over here.” Before Conrad moved into the house, she claimed MTV spent several noisy months heavily renovating it, adding at least two lighting grids in order to make every staged roommate-moment look like a glamour shot. “MTV keeps saying they’re going to end in October, that this is going to be the end,” she said, “but we don’t have it in writing.”

On having their Internet shut off during filming:
“We want some attention paid to the permits. We don’t want production crews parked in front of our homes all the time or our Internet blocked when they film.” Both complaining neighbors said they worked in the entertainment industry and were usually quite friendly to the frequent filming in their neighborhood, but that MTV was bucking regulations,

On, get the fuck out, paparazzi knife fights!?:
Another unhappy neighbor, who also spoke under conditions of anonymity with a near mafia-like fear of MTV, complained of knife fights between paps and loud parties.

A possible solution for the neighbors: Faulty meth lab. (Note: Be sure to run for “The Hills.” Ha ha ha, I’m going to slit to wrists.) That said, Jesus H. Christ, can Lauren Conrad be anymore boring? I mean, in these photos she’s doing at least two things that should get my attention: A. showing some cleave. and B. standing in front of a Batman poster. Yet I still feel myself slipping into a coma. In fact Zzzzzzzzzz….

Thanks to David who once had to choose between gnawing off his own arm or watching The Hills. He now heroically sports a badass hook.

Heidi Montag stopped by The Late Show with David Letterman* last night (video after the jump) where she expanded on the revived rumors about Lauren Conrad’s sex tape. While looking like Barbie’s sister with Extra Chin Power, Heidi went through her usual schtick about The Hills before reiterating the existence of the tape, according to Us Magazine:

“I tried to help her get it back for, like, a year,” Montag said on the Late Show With David Letterman Wednesday. “I was like, ‘You gotta get it back, you gotta do something about this.’”
When Conrad’s ex Jason Wahler threatened to release it, Montag claimed, “she was like, ‘I don’t know what to do…’ I was like, ‘Well, let’s get it back.’
“Next thing I know,” Montag continued, “it’s blamed on me. All of a sudden, I made up the sex tape… I didn’t film it, I didn’t do it, I’m not trying to sell it. How did it come down on me?”

If I stood across the street, I’m pretty sure I could toss a whole orange straight into her mouth. No, wait, that’s not right. Make it a cantaloupe. Betting starts at 5 PM EST. Deeds to houses, wives (Preferably sans penis.) and Ferraris accepted.

*How the hell did Heidi Montag get on Letterman?: A Superficial Companion Piece on Media: You see, kids, Viacom owns MTV which airs The Hills and also CBS which airs Letterman. Bam! Presto, change-o, Dave spends a full hour crying in his dressing room then bathes in pure gold and baby seal hearts. True story.

Lauren Conrad’s ex-boyfriend Jason Wahler is denying that a sex tape of Lauren exists. Heidi and Spencer were on The Tyra Banks Show yesterday and claimed the rumors about the tape are absolutely true. Heidi even claimed that Jason was trying to sell it. Us Magazine reports:

“I do not have a sex tape of Lauren Conrad and one does not exist,” Wahler tells Usmagazine.com in a statement. “Spencer Pratt is lying again to get attention.
“Lauren is my friend,” Wahler continues, “and it is insulting to her to suggest this.”
On Tuesday’s Tyra Banks Show, Pratt declared, “I know for 100 percent fact it did exist – 1000%!”

Okay, there’s an easy way to sort this out: Let’s put all four of these jokers in a room and toss a grenade in. Whoever survives is, obviously, the liar - and gets fed to a shark. Damn, I should negotiate peace treaties. Someone book me a flight to the Middle East. And don’t forget my shark.

When they’re not busy posing for horribly fake photo shoots (I call this one “America: Ain’t We Retarded?”), Heidi and Spencer love to expose their Hills co-star Lauren Conrad as just as fake as they are. This morning, the couple dropped a bomb on Tyra (video after the jump) and confirmed that Lauren did, in fact, make a sex tape. Tyra asked Spencer if he actually watched it and he said he’d rather throw up making it the first time I actually agree with the douchenozzle. I’d rather watch a video of my vacuum cleaner humping my couch. I wonder what that would look like… *hunts for camcorder*

UPDATE: Okay, is it legal to marry a household appliance? Because, guys, I think I’m in love.

The National Hockey League recruited celebrity bloggers including Kevin Smith and Dierks Bentley to help draw attention to the sport. Somehow, presumably by accident, they also enlisted Lauren Conrad of The Hills. Someone should tell the NHL she has the star power of Dave Coulier. (Actually, that’s an insult to Uncle Joey, may he rest in peace.) Anyway, her NHL blog launched today and here’s a look at Lauren’s riveting prose:

Hi hockey fans!
My name is Lauren Conrad and I’m a casual hockey fan who has gotten into going to Kings games over the past 2 seasons. I’m blogging about the NHL playoffs because I LOVE live hockey and I thought this would be a fun way to get more involved with the Post-Season.
I grew up in Orange County but now live in LA, so its easier for me to get to Kings games and I’ve become a Kings fan. Funny enough though, I’ve been going to Kings games with friends I grew up with in Laguna Beach, in the heart of Ducks country.
Since the Kings are out of it, I’ll adopt my fellow Orange County Anaheim Ducks as my team for the playoffs. Is there anything you guys think I should know as I watch the Ducks?
Thanks for reading and I’ll talk to you soon. Enjoy the playoffs!
Lauren

*takes gun out of mouth* Holy shit, that was close. For a minute there, I thought I’d die without fulfilling my life’s ambition of seeing Hayden Panettiere naked. Oh, and curing cancer too, I guess. Sort of. Okay, not really.

Thanks to James who doesn’t know the difference between Heidi Montag and Lauren Conrad therefore earning my utmost respect. You, sir, are a god among men.

Heidi Montag is launching her new fashion line. It’s called Heidiwood (Not even touching that.) and will debut next month. In the meantime, Heidi needs nine girls that look like her to help model the clothes. Although, judging by Heidi’s chin, dudes are probably welcome as well. Us Magazine has the details about the line which is like so better than Lauren’s and junk:

“Lauren’s line is not necessarily something I would wear,” she told Us Weekly. “She’s trying a high-fashion thing, but it’s a little overpriced. Mine is fun and flirty for the everyday woman. Most people can’t afford $200 for one dress.”

Note to self: Show up to Heidi’s fashion show. Act like douche. Score vapid blondes with fake tits. If douche-nozzling is not achieving success resort to fail-safe plan: Dollar bill hung out of fly. Shoot fish in barrel. End note.

For those of you interested in applying, here’s a link to the contest. And also here’s my phone number 1-800-LZR-DONG.

Thanks to Sara who apparently has a pointy tail.

MTV’s The Hills is once again being called out for its producers’ penchant for staging reality. This time it involves a trip Lauren Conrad and Whitney Port took to Paris where Lauren magically found romance because destiny smiled on her or whatever. Page Six reports:

Before Lauren Conrad and her Teen Vogue counterpart, Whitney Port, went to Paris to “work” at the Crillon Ball, producers were “frantically calling publicists to see if anyone knew any guys to set the girls up with in Paris. If they had a love affair there, then it would look better,” a source said.

The plan actually worked when the publicist for the originally-named band Rock & Roll came through for MTV:

“Lauren was filmed riding off with the guitar player, Matthias, on the back of his bike,” our source said. “They hooked up.”

While this further cements what anyone of modest intelligence could figure out: The Hills is full of shit. It also proves that Lauren Conrad will hook up with any man you put in front of her. I’m thinking her and I should meet for coffee. I know this great café. It’s actually in my bedroom, but it’s very romantic. I serve you Taster’s Choice in the nude, but don’t spill any on my Yoda sheets. Unless you’re turned on by seeing a grown man cry in the fetal position while surrounded by Star Wars action figures. Then by all means…

On Monday’s episode of The Hills – wait, hold on, I have to drink a Mason jar full of whiskey before I continue, okay, better – Lauren Conrad decides to bring her new date model Gavin Beasley over to her ex Brody Jenner’s place for a BBQ. This may be hard for some of you to read, but the entire thing was scripted. As in, not real. As in, the show is fake. I’ll let that shocking shocking news sink in. In the meantime, Gavin spoke to VH1’s Best Week Ever yesterday about his experience on the The Hills:

On being set up with Lauren:
“Then in August I got a call from my agency to go to a casting call for Teen Vogue, and Lauren and the camera crews just so happened to be there. She remembered me from our shoot, and the next thing I know, a producer’s asking me to ask Lauren for her number, and I’m signing release forms and being shot for The Hills. They wanted me to ask her about the runway show, how long she had worked that day, when would she get off, stuff like that.”

On meeting Lauren’s ex Brody:
“Like, they totally set up the BBQ scene for Brody and I to meet each other and talk because, as they said, ‘the audience would get a kick out of seeing ‘the ex’ talking to ‘the new guy’.’ So they rent this house in Malibu for a set, bought a bunch of food and drinks, and just filmed us hanging out. Brody would talk all this sh*t, then be like, ‘Sorry about that, we’re just trying to make good television.’”

On his “date” with Lauren:
“I honestly had a really hard time talking to her - she’s kind of a conversation killer, and when the cameras are rolling, all conversation is kept firmly on the surface…. In fact, the most interesting thing I got out of her was that she isn’t allowed to eat ice cream because her trainer told her she can’t.”

Does this mean that when Heidi and Lauren are talking on their cell phones and sipping iced lattes, they’re not really talking on their cell phones and sipping lattes? No, don’t tell me. I couldn’t bear the truth. I want to keep my memories the way they are. Pure like the driven snow. Ah, I can see Lauren now, babbling away about something or another, latte pressed to her lips. You’ll always be that way to me, Lauren Conrad. Always…

And now, Heidi Montag in a bikini. Because I’m pretty sure that’s relevant somehow.