Wanna know Samantha Ronson’s secret to keeping Lindsay Lohan a lesbian? Punching. Lots and lots of punching. Sam reportedly let the fists fly early yesterday morning at a London nightclub when she saw Lindsay dancing with her ex Calum Best, according to The Sun:

A shocked onlooker revealed yesterday: “Lindsay was having a boogie on the dance floor with Calum. They were getting pretty close to each other and Sam was nowhere to be seen.
“And then all hell broke loose. Sam came screeching up to Lindsay, screaming blue murder and throwing punches. She went ballistic. The pair traded a series of blows before Calum managed to prise them apart. It was a really ugly scene.”

Once out in the lobby the two kissed and made up. And by made up I mean it was Lindsay’s turn to open a can:

Another eyewitness revealed: “Lindsay was furious with what Sam had done. She launched herself at Sam in the lobby. She was spitting at her and clawing at her chest. She was fuming.”

I included pics of Lindsay looking all forlorn outside the club in her car. Never before have I seen a woman so desperately miss the penis. Hang in there, champ. Your career’ll be dead before you know it, and then you can have wang until the cows come home. Don’t stop believing!

UPDATE: Page Six reports Lindsay and Sam are now seeing a couples counselor because of the fight. Apparently, this shit happens a lot which would be hot if Samantha Ronson didn’t look like a coked-out Squiggy from Laverne & Shirley. I went there.

Once upon a time (Read: 2005), a presumably coked-out Lindsay Lohan wrote “Scarlett Johansson is a bloody cunt” on a bathroom stall in New York City. The two were once in competition for the lead role in The Parent Trap which Lindsay won. Scarlett Johansson has never talked about the incident, but recently opened up about it in the latest issue of Allure where she claims she’s only met Lindsay “like three times”:

“I don’t know what the motivation was behind that. I remember it was something really vulgar — I mean, shockingly so, like, ‘Whoa, what, who are you?’”

I believe the more appropriate question when discussing Lindsay is “When, where, how much and is that gargoyle dude going to watch?” (Answer: Probably.)

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D9682′;
addthis_title = ‘Samantha+Ronson+vs+PETA’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

Samantha Ronson took to her MySpace blog yesterday to let PETA know they kind of acted like A-holes by throwing flour at Lindsay Lohan while she was entering a Paris nightclub:

There is a fine line that distinguishes the difference between exercising our freedom of expression and offending others, for example the debate regarding freedom of speech vs. hate speech…. i feel that this principle should apply to protestors also. It’s a pity that some groups feel the need to assault people as opposed to fighting with words.
Whenever I feel the need to vent about something that feels unfair to me I reach for my computer, I don’t run out of the house with abusive intentions. I don’t expect everyone to react the same way, but I do expect people to respect each other. Maybe that’s my first mistake? It seems lately I am learning that there are too many people who put another species before their fellow man and that’s sad. I don’t wear fur, but I don’t think I have the right to ATTACK those who do. No one has that right.
PETA should focus their efforts on educating people on what they believe are injustices instead of seeking press via harassing those in the limelight. I received an apology too many days late from the PETA folks (the blog removal was too little too late) and today I’m pissed at the bag of flour thrown on Lindsay last night. Not because I got powdered down, but because the girl who threw it acted like an animal herself. I take that back, it’s an insult to animals to group her in with them, my dog is FAR more civilized than that person. I would have more respect for them if they didn’t use other people to get their point across. Lindsay, Mary Kate, Ashley Olsen, Anna Wintour and the rest of the targeted celebrities aren’t the problem, I’m pretty sure they’re not the only ones wearing fur, in fact, they should be appreciated by PETA for giving them a target. If it weren’t for them, who would get them press?????
I know I’m probably going to get a lot of angry emails in response, but I don’t really care. I got enough last week for no reason so I’m more than happy to ignore the nastiness after seeing what I saw last night. I’m not about to throw on a fur coat in retaliation, but had I had one within reach, I’m not sure I would have walked away from it.
p.s. when was the last time you saw an animal attack one of its own in defense of a human? hmmmmm….. that’s one to grow on!
p.s.s. i think there are plenty of families that could have used that flour for a meal. nice job, lady.

If Sam’s entry was supposed to be goddamn never-ending therefore making me hungry for veal, Mission Accomplished. On that note, you know what brings out the flavor of veal? Dolphin. I should be a chef. Oh yeah, Emeril, it’s ON!

Lindsay Lohan was pelted with flour on her way into a Paris nightclub last night. She’s been on several Worst Dressed Lists for animal rights group for wearing fur coats. Lindsay was wearing one last night (above) at the time of the pelting. PETA Europe issued the following statement (via E! Online):

“Lindsay Lohan might be able to ignore images of bloody animals skinned alive for their pelts, but we hope a dash of flour will help her rise to the occasion and forsake fur once and for all,” PETA Europe spokesman Robbie LeBlanc said.

Throwing flour at Lindsay Lohan? Jesus. And here I thought Europeans were smarter than us…

*THWAP*
LINDSAY: What the - Aw, no way, they throw blow at you here!
*THWAP*
LINDSAY: Ha ha! This club rocks!
*THWAP*
LINDSAY: Whee!

How many lesbians does it take to get the coke out of your nose?

The world may never know…

In the latest issue of Harper’s Bazaar, Lindsay Lohan admits to being madly in love with DJ Samantha Ronson, though insists she’s not a lesbian but might be bisexual. According to MSNBC:

“I think it’s pretty obvious who I’m seeing,” Lohan told the magazine, which hits newsstands Nov. 18. “I think it’s no shock to anyone that it’s been going on for quite some time … She’s a wonderful person and I love her very much.”

While Ronson is the first woman Lohan has admitted to dating publicly, when asked if she had previously “been with a girl” by Harper’s, the actress replied, “I don’t know, maybe.”

Lohan said she does not consider herself a lesbian, but as for whether she thinks of herself as bisexual, she told the magazine, “maybe.”

“Maybe”? You’re dating a girl who you say you’re in love with and you’re “maybe” bisexual? I guess I can understand where the confusion might come from. If I was dating Samantha Ronson I probably wouldn’t know if I was gay or straight or bisexual either. Hell, I’d probably want somebody to confirm that I was even still in the same species.

A coy Lindsay Lohan insists that she isn't a lesbian and barely cops to being bisexual - but admits that she's dating a "wonderful" woman with whom she's madly in love, according to a new interview with the starlet. "I think it's pretty obvious who I'm seeing," Lohan told Harper's Bazaar magazine. Nonetheless, she pointedly refused to name her lady love, LA DJ Samantha Ronson. When asked if she considered herself a bisexual, Lohan answered, "Maybe. Yeah." But she was adamant that she wasn't a lesbian, giving an emphatic, "No," when asked.

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D9630′;
addthis_title = ‘Lindsay+Lohan+opens+up%2C+but+closes+up’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

Obviously Lindsay Lohan didn’t get the memo from the Obama campaign to “Kindly, STFU!” because she decided to blog one last time encouraging people to vote. Ha ha, she thinks she has fans. Adorable. From her MySpace page:

Sorry i haven’t blogged in a minute.. i’ve been traveling and trying to catch up on sleep! I thought it was important to just put a message out there tonight for anyone that is on myspace at the moment.. So, here goes.. I cannot say how important it is for everyone to get out there and vote tomorrow… The future of our country depends on it. Just one vote can make such a difference… Vote-because your thoughts are worth it..VOTE-because YOU can make this country a better place…VOTE-because you can.
I feel like i have so much more to say, but the only thing that needs to be said right now, is for people to get out there and VOTE.
PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
obama for president
VOTE NO ON PROP 8
VOTE NO ON PROP 4

If you’re out voting today and someone bursts through the door yelling, “Linds Linds told me to vote! Hoo-RAY!” here’s what I want you to do:

1. Vote for your respective candidate. Doesn’t matter who, just do it - because you’re about to commit a felony.
2. Pick up the Diebold voting machine and beat the everliving snot out of the Lindsay fan. (If you’re worried about damaging the machine’s calibration, don’t worry. It wasn’t calibrated to begin with.)
3. Grab a roll of “I Voted!” stickers.
4. Run to Starbucks and load up on free coffees.
5. Avoid arrest. (If arrested, remember: Nobody likes a rat, and you don’t even know what a superficial is.)

U.S.A.!

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D9528′;
addthis_title = ‘Did+you+hear+about+the+show+with+Britney%2C+Paris+and+Lindsay%3F’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

Ali Lohan and her mom Dina attended the Animal Fair Magazine’s 8th Annual Halloween Pet Costume Party last night.

Based on a true story.

DINA: Okay, Ali, we’re going to a backroom now where you’re going to drink milk out of a saucer while a man hands mommy a stack of cash.
ALI: But, moooommm…
DINA: You will do it! You will fucking do it! They are not repo-ing my Lexus again! I refuse to show up at the country club in a rental! For God’s sake, Ali, I might as well shit my pants on the 18th hole! DO YOU HEAR ME? NOW GET IN THERE BEFORE I TAKE YOUR DOG AND DROWN IT IN THE TUB UNTIL HIS LITTLE PUPPY EYES BURST! AAAAAHHH!
ALI: Jesus. Okay.
DINA: That’s mommy’s favorite. Whiskey’s in my purse to take the edge off. Love you.

Lindsay Lohan is apparently denying she enjoys the sensual comforts of a lady despite the fact Samantha “Gargoyle” Ronson is constantly attached to her hip. The Sun reports:

But Hollywood insider Jo Piazza said: “Linds is adamant she’s not a lesbian and still loves men. She says Sam is the only girl she would go for.”
A friend of the star said: “She has been telling everyone she’s still into guys. She keeps saying if it went wrong with Sam she’d date a guy. She even flirts with guys when they go out.”

Like the old saying goes: “You can take the penis out of Lindsay, but you can’t” - no, that’s definitely not right. Hmmm. Okay, got it: “One in the hand is worth two in the fire-crotch.” I guess cause they melt, I dunno. I never read The Bible.

Lindsay Lohan was slated to appear on six episodes of Ugly Betty, but it’s now been axed down to only four due to her on-set antics which, at one point, involved nearly torching the crew with her firecrotch. Page Six reports:

One production source said, “It was a mess. Lindsay would show up every day with an entourage of people. She smoked 24/7, and after she left, they had to repaint her dressing room it was such a mess.”
In addition, Lohan “would obsessively cut pictures of herself out of the tabloids like she was creating some sort of scrapbook and refused to go on set until America was there - it was a power play.”
One episode, titled “Granny Pants,” was about how Lohan, playing Betty’s high school nemesis, would “de-pants” Ferrera. But Ferrera exacts her revenge and pulls down Lohan’s pants instead. “Lindsay wasn’t wearing any underwear,” the source said.

At this stage in her career, Lindsay should be showing up to any work she can get with goddamn bells on because right now she’s about one fiery cooter flash away from doing cereal commercials. I mean, honestly, who’s watching a TV show or renting a movie these days based solely on the fact that it stars Lindsay Lohan? (Not counting Michael Lohan and Samantha Ronson’s penises.)

Lindsay Lohan was suppose to do 6 episodes on Ugly Betty, but her order was cut down to 4 because and her and the declining star America Ferrera didn’t get along according to Page Six.

One production source said, “It was a mess. Lindsay would show up every day with an entourage of people. She smoked 24/7, and after she left, they had to repaint her dressing room it was such a mess.”
In addition, Lohan “would obsessively cut pictures of herself out of the tabloids like she was creating some sort of scrapbook and refused to go on set until America was there - it was a power play.”
One episode, titled “Granny Pants,” was about how Lohan, playing Betty’s high school nemesis, would “de-pants” Ferrera. But Ferrera exacts her revenge and pulls down Lohan’s pants instead. “Lindsay wasn’t wearing any underwear,” the source said.
But a Lohan pal fumed, “Bull [bleep]! Lindsay wears underwear all the time now. She was wearing a G-string. And it was America’s fault. They were rehearsing the scene and America wasn’t supposed to pull Lindsay’s pants down - but she did. Lindsay was so embarrassed, she started crying.”
As for the dressing room, Lohan’s pal said it was also used by the cast of the Fox sci-fi thriller “Fringe.” “So maybe they messed it up. And an entourage? Yeah, she had her sober companion with her, as well as her manager, assistant and [girlfriend] Samantha Ronson. Her publicist was there a couple of times. But so what?”
The pal blames Ferrera for any issues, saying, “America was mean to Lindsay. Producers give her too much power. Lindsay didn’t do the last two episodes because America didn’t like her and got her kicked off.”
Ferrera’s rep would only say, “America is grateful to have had her on the show and thinks everyone should tune in to see how great the episodes are.”
Lohan’s rep said, “Lindsay was scheduled for six episodes and is appearing in four but had a lovely time.”

I think America Ferrera was jealous that Lindsay Lohan was getting all the media attention when she was on the set and didn’t want the competition so had her fired.
BTW that Granny Pants episode airs tonight on ABC at 8p to see how it all turned out. And I am the only one who is over Ugly Betty this season? I am so close to removing the show from my DVR.

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D9487′;
addthis_title = ‘America+Ferrera+got+Ugly+with+Lindsay+Lohan%3F’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

Lindsay Lohan is being sued by the three guys in the SUV she drunkenly commandeered to chase down her assistant last year. Ronnie Blake, Jakon Sutter and Dante Nigro are seeking unspecified damages (Read: We’ll settle for a quick mil and/or boob grab.) and described the traumatic incident in their lawsuit. People reports:

“Dante and Jakon continued to implore Lohan to slow down, stating specifically that she was endangering all of their lives and that they could be killed,” the lawsuit says. “Lohan refused to slow or stop, but instead responded with abusive cursing and vulgar language, including a statement that she did not care about the risk of death.”
The lawsuit adds: “She also stated that because she was a celebrity she could do whatever she wants.”
Lohan’s attorney, Ed McPherson, tells TMZ.com the lawsuit is “absurd.”
“These guys had the night of their lives, playing with the radio and leaving the vehicle at one point and getting back in,” he says.

“She also stated that because she was a celebrity she could do whatever she wants.” Okay, now they’re laying it on a little thick. Next they’re going to say she wore a top hat and monocle and tried to lower Batman into a vat of acid - then kicked a puppy.

This is a shot of Lindsay Lohan with Samantha Ronson who DJ’ed a charity event in Washington D.C. over the weekend. So to the people who thought “When did Hayden Christensen go on a month-long coke binge?”: Close, but no cigar/post-op wiener.

Do you think is Lindsay Lohan’s way of confirming she is in love with Samantha Ronson?

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D9436′;
addthis_title = ‘Lindsay+Lohan+blogs+about+Samantha+Ronson’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D9405′;
addthis_title = ‘Battle+of+the+Bad+Crimped+Hair%3A+Lindsay+Lohan+vs+Madonna’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D9405′;
addthis_title = ‘Battle+of+the+Badly+Crimped+Hair%3A+Lindsay+Lohan+vs+Madonna’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

These are shots of Lindsay Lohan out shopping yesterday with no bra and a just barely see-through top. I’m not going to say I spent all morning scouring for nipples, but then again, I wouldn’t be a hero if I didn’t. On a related note, pressing your cornea directly against a computer monitor can cause temporary blindness which, surprisingly, is not relieved by contact with a stripper’s boob tassel. This proves, once again, my father knows dick about medicine, but God bless the man for trying.