Lindsay Lohan’s weekend went to hell in a lesbian basket Friday when it was reported Beverly Hill police have issued a warrant for her arrest. Details are fuzzy, but it regards her compliance with enrolling in education classes as… …read full story

Lindsay Lohan wants to convert to Judaism to prove her love for Samantha Ronson, according to Page Six: Lohan flew to London to attend the bar mitzvah of Ronson’s half-brother, Joshua. “She’s explored the Church of Scientology, she tried… …read full story

Here’s Lindsay Lohan enjoying her typical meal for the day at a London hotel: Red Bull and a smoke. Taking that into account with the lesbian stuff, I’m surprised Lindsay doesn’t use her breath to melt through bank vaults…. …read full story

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UPDATE: FOX 411 posted this story today, so I sounds like he was way off on what he reported.

From yesterday: Is Warren Beatty making a new movie? Is Lindsay Lohan going to be in it? Did Warren really ask Lindsay to come stay in his house? Let’s put it this way: I may have go stay with Warren and Annette at this point! Knowing Beatty, until his next film is in the theatres, anything and nothing is possible. As Harvey Keitel likes to say when things get sensitive: "Keep off the grass." To all the bloggers out there who picked this up like it was the Second Coming: relax your posts

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Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have a pretty volatile relationship. I mean, let’s face it, they’re anorexic coke zombies; shit’s gonna get ugly. But sometimes they remember why they found each other, besides co-dependency, and have a nice romanti …read full story

Because nobody wants to jinx their careers, Lindsay “Sticks Mahoney” Lohan was kept a safe distance from the Academy Awards last night and shipped off to the Mercedes-Benz Oscar Party in Beverly Hills. But more importantly, Lindsay’s breasts seem… …read full story

Here’s Lindsay Lohan getting ready to do some shopping yesterday in Beverly Hills. She’s wearing her skinny jeans which are apparently sagging on her coked-out frame. While some of you are probably thinking, why doesn’t she just wear leggings?… …read full story

Lindsay Lohan is claiming her rapid weight loss is “not intentional,” according to Us Magazine: “I eat. I had my Big Mac yesterday from McDonald’s,” she told Us Sunday at the Matthew Williamson NYC store opening. “I eat just… …read full story

Lindsay Lohan helped designer Matthew Williamson open his New York store yesterday during the Mercedes-Benz Fall 2009 Fashion Week. Because nothing attracts customers like an anorexic fake lesbian with large breasts. “Maybe she’ll keel over and die …read full story

Seen here with Stephen Baldwin to emphasize his asshat-ness, Michael Lohan has announced he’s done blogging. Apparently, he’s tired of ranting about Samantha Ronson and decided to pull the plug on his blog - by ranting about Samantha Ronson:… …read full story

Samantha Ronson apparently wants people to know who’s the bread-winner in her relationship with Lindsay Lohan. The two attended the ESPN Super Bowl bash Friday night where Sam DJ’d while Lindsay decided to add narcolepsy to her fake repertoire…. …read full story

Michael, I’m sorry MIKE Lohan is lamenting the reunion of Lindsay and Samantha Ronson. In a desperate cry for help/attention, he recently took to his blog to call Samantha a gold-digging lesbian who’s ruining Lindsay’s acting career. Enjoy some crazy:

Like I said in the past, “if I see or hear of anyone or anything causing harm or is seen as a threat to my children,” I will speak about it, and do anything I can to try to intervene regardless of the repercussions on me.
With that said, after seeing promise and thanking God for Lindsay’s freedom from SaMANtha’s bondage, I see now, that since SaMANtha has once again, weaseled her way back into Lindsay”s life, things have taken a dark turn.
While I was enthused that Ali was with Lindsay, rather than SaMANtha, I am torn to see that SaMANtha has once again manipulated Lindsay into leaving her little sister in LA, only to join SaMANtha on another DJ gig in Boston.
Was this again, a means for SaMANtha to earn more money through Lindsay”s presence? Did SaMANtha’s fee drop so much and so quickly when word got out that they parted ways? Are we so blind? Is Lindsay so blind? I know Dina and my kids aren’t because they tell me so. But then again, why does Dina tell me one thing and do another?!
When a mother or father sees their child in turmoil (losing weight, not working, and purportedly cutting herself) are we supposed to stand by , remain silent and pretend it isn’t happening? Or are we suppose to step to the plate and not care what people think, and do something about it?
Well, as you can see, I’m not going to sit back and let it slide.
I am asking everyone out their to intervene in every way possible to help Lindsay, and quite possibly, save her life. Help this wonderful, good hearted and gifted young lady to see what SaMANtha is doing to her and how she is destroying her life.
Help her to see that ever since SaMANtha came into her life, nothing good has come of it. As a matter of fact, Lindsay hasn’t used her gifts like she did before meeting SaMANtha.
Just LOOK! The proof is there! These aren’t just words, but FACTS! PLEASE HELP!

I think he’s trying to say Samantha Ronson is a man. I dunno, it’s hard to tell underneath all that subtlety.

The past week Lindsay Lohan has been just a line of coke away from becoming a real live Jack Skellington, but worry no more, folks. Her rep says Lindsay has eaten two full meals. At some point. Probably spaced days apart. Page Six reports:

Responding to rumors we heard that Lohan is “surviving on candy and Red Bull” and “completely stressed out” by her rocky relationship with Samantha Ronson, her flack in sisted she’s fine: “Lindsay is aware that she’s lost some weight due to stress, but we recently did a photo shoot and she ate two full meals.”

I’m sorry, but unless one of those meals was a Whopper the size of Reno, Lindsay’s going to need a tad bit more subsistence. Find out how much Jessica Simpson ate over the holidays, then go with about a fourth of that. Or maybe just an eighth, we don’t want to kill anybody.

Lindsay Lohan and little sister Ali did some shopping this weekend in New York where Lindsay frightened onlookers with her increasingly rail-thin figure. It’s gotten to the point where you can see her spine through her clothing which proves my theory about lesbians: They have bones. Ha, I win, scientific community! Who’s laughing now?!

A newly reunited Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have taken the next step in their relationship by opening a joint bank account together. After that, they’re technically obligated to join the LPGA or get artificially inseminated. Them’s the rules. Britain’s Daily Express reports:

Ronson, who is said to earn as much as $23,460 (GBP17,000) for a disc-spinning performance, has always been fiercely keen to keep her financial independence - and constantly splashes the cash on her actress girlfriend.
The insider adds, “Sam’s very generous to Lindsay. She pays for everything when they go away together and Lindsay wants to show her gratitude by doing this. Sam is completely disinterested in shopping and things, whereas Lindsay loves to spend and always says she wants to be as rich as possible. Having a joint account with Sam is a huge step for her.”

Opening a joint account is like placing landmines in your relationship. No, seriously, I opened one with an ex once. I’ll tell you all about it as soon as I’m done watching my 102″ flatscreen in my diamond bathtub. God, do I miss her/need a smoothie maker.

An increasingly thin Lindsay Lohan went shopping in Malibu yesterday with her sister Ali. Now, I’m not saying Lindsay’s starting to look unhealthy, but I guarantee she threw some elbows in the laxative aisle. “Coke-elbows, activate! Hey, Ali, who’s living Lohan now, bitch? KERPOW! Aw, no way, buy one get one free dental dams…”

Spotted in Beverly Hills last night, Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson have reconciled, but like the rest of us, they’re probably just curious to see who will eventually murder the other. In the meantime, I want to make an escargot joke, but looking at Sam I should probably go with kielbasa. Or maybe even two kielbasas, I dunno. Wikipedia won’t tell me how many wangs Man-Bats have. How’s a man supposed to educate himself, dammit?

Seen here during happier fake-lesbian times with Samantha Ronson, Lindsay Lohan took to her blog yesterday to write a paranoid rant titled “Random :)”. What follows is clearly a veiled warning to Anthony LaPaglia that the fire-crotch just got set to “Rape,” and now would be a good time to flee the country - without a trace. (Swish.):

head games- that’s what the tabloids and pap’s play with everyone …. don’t they? everyone plays games, but it gets to the point sometimes when you just want to know why.. well, i couldn’t sleep and am watching “Without a Trace” for a bit. Oh and yes, i love this show!!! Jack Malone is boss .. well-have a good one. sweet dreams.. all my love always, Lindsay Lo xoxo

Jesus, Lindsay, the entire media is not out to get you. And to prove my point, I saw what you did!

Rampant speculation has ensued since the New Year that Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are no longer pretending to be a fake lesbian couple in a vain effort to rejuvenate Lindsay’s career. TMZ is reporting the two are indeed broken up and living separately:

We know Lindsay moved out of Sam’s house and is staying with Jen, her manager. Lindsay wants back with Sam. Are they back together — who knows? Did they split? Yes.

I don’t believe this malarkey for one second. Until reports of severely charred penises start pouring in like a freakin’ avalanche, I’m chalking this up as another publicity stunt. Lindsay, if you’re reading this, here’s a sure-fire (heh) way to revive your career: WORK! Stash the diva shit, find a project and act your freckles off. Then when it’s all said and done, you can stop this lesbo charade and freely pursue your undying love of cock.

UPDATE: Lindsay Lohan has just agreed to work for free in a new independent film. Her publicist released the following statement: “Lindsay has requested that all the men stop by her trailer. Repeat. All of them.”