What does it say about me as a person that, if Katie Price was selling cyanide capsules, I’d probably buy an entire case and pop them like candy? Besides that I’m awesome and people are genuinely surprised when they learn I don’t drive a battleship to work.

Match the supermodel with the thought going through her head:

1. “Try and tell me my outfit can’t have a bejeweled spider attacking my vagina. I’m ______, bitch!”

2. “Wait a minute. This isn’t Scores….”

3. “Probably should’ve gotten that Brazilian today.”

4. “Why won’t my mother just admit she had sex with Hawkman?”

Answers: 1. Heidi Klum, 2. Marisa Miller, 3. Audrina Lima, 4. Alessandra Ambrosio.

Mariah Carey really loves wearing lingerie. So much so, that’ll she even wear it alone by herself on Christmas, according to latest issue of Redbook:

I always get Santa lingerie, even if nobody sees it. But this year it will be appreciated!”
Stripping down for the holidays is apparently a Carey holiday tradition.
“[My girlfriends and I] go in the hot tub in our Christmas bikinis, then roll in the fresh snow and jump back in.”

While that was probably the greatest holiday story ever told, I should probably point out Mariah’s girlfriends eat Meow Mix - and there’s 25 of them.

MARIAH: Unwrap me under the tree, Nick.
NICK: I’m trying, baby, but these cats are everywhere.
MARIAH: Be nice to my girlfriends! They picked out my outfit.
NICK: Say what? Dammit, Whiskers, get off the TV!
MARIAH: I told you once already, Nick! Now get in your cage.
NICK: Aw, man…

Supermodel Heidi Klum does an insane amount of breast jiggling in this new commercial for Guitar Hero: World Tour edition. Basically, she’s in nothing but a bra and panties* reenacting Tom Cruise’s dance scene from Risky Business. My sources tell me Tom found Heidi’s rendition to be “yucky” - then instructed Katie Holmes to grow a mustache. I should state for the record my source is a ham sandwich, but he looks reliable.

Thanks to Allison who makes Ms. Pac-Man look like a yellow gumball with a bow.

*This is the part where you should stop reading and press “Play.” (Hint: It’s the arrow.)

A lingerie-clad Mariah Carey and her husband Nick Cannon rode on the back of a fire engine to a Halloween party in New York City last night. So, if you live in the Big Apple and no one responded to your apartment burning down, take comfort knowing these two lovebirds made a grand entrance to their party - then went home to have sex on a pile of cash. Life is AWESOME!

A lingerie-clad Mariah Carey and her husband Nick Cannon rode on the back of a fire engine to a Halloween party in New York City last night. So, if you live in the Big Apple and no one responded to your apartment burning down, take comfort knowing these two lovebirds made a grand entrance to their party - then went home to have sex on a pile of cash. Life is AWESOME!

Victoria’s Secret Angel Marisa Miller did a little bikini photo-shoot action for the latest issue of Complex magazine. True, these might be a little airbrushed, but allow me to issue a rebuttal: BIKINI. That throbbing sensation is my insane debate skills roundhouse kicking you in the anus. You might want to put on ice that.

NOTE: Video of Marisa’s photo shoot after the jump. If this doesn’t fill you with child-like glee and cause you to throw dollar bills at the screen, Congratulations! You’re dead inside.

Thanks to “Joe” who I’m convinced is really Santa Claus. (I want a pony.)

These are pics of Melanie “Scary Spice” Brown modeling the Ultimo Autumn/Winter lingerie line. Sort of gives a whole new meaning to “hot chocolate” doesn’t it? A ha ha ha wait, hold up. I shouldn’t have brought color into this. That was wrong of me, and I apologize. Instead, I should just respect Melanie for who she is: A beautiful woman with ginormous breasts who I’d have sex with until she realizes I’m not Keanu Reeves. See? Much better.

Respect: It’s dope!

Halle Berry is Esquire’s Sexiest Woman Alive, 2008. Check out her pictorial by photographer Cliff Watts which sort of makes me regret pummeling print journalism with an iron fist. I mean, it’s not like I can take my laptop in the can. Or maybe…

UPDATE: Two laptops and a case of pink eye later, I can safely conclude magazines still serve a vital function in society. You may now call me “Savior,” field of journalism.

Apparently, I wasn’t joking when I said it’s “British Chicks in Lingerie Week.” Who knew? Anyway, here to round off the week are Page 3 Girls Rhian Sugden and Rosie Jones launching the Ann Summers store in Liverpool. If you’re wondering who is who, get the hell off my site. Ha! I’m kidding - about the leaving. I seriously have no clue what their names are, so, yeah, I’ll take that Pulitzer now.

In case you guys didn’t get the memo, it’s “British Chicks in Lingerie” week here on The Superficial. This time around it’s model Danielle Bux who’s also the girlfriend of soccer legend Gary Lineker. She’s launching the La Senza flagship store in London with the help of what appears to be the Dutch Queen of Cellulite and her best friend Don’t Look at My Face. Sexy!

Katie “Jordan” Price launched her new fragrance “Besotted” yesterday and somehow opted to look uncharacteristically hot as opposed to her usual look: Goddamn retarded.

Dear Katie,

Always do this. Never do anything but this. Whatever thought process was involved write it down, carve it stone, tattoo it on your children’s heads; I don’t care. Just do this.
I know you’re tempted to respond or, I dunno, eat a sandwich, but again, THIS.

Not secretly gay like your husband just sayin’,
The Superficial Writer

P.S. THIS!

Since it’s Friday and there’s a serious celeb bikini drought going on, The Superficial is officially honoring the start of the NFL season by posting pics of the Lingerie Football League. After a week of intense political debate, I felt like we needed to come together as a nation. And I think we can all agree it doesn’t get more patriotic than chicks in lingerie tossing the ol’ pigskin. Unless, of course, Sarah Palin gave Uncle Sam a lap dance on top of the Liberty Bell then, honestly, you got me there.

As I’ve often said for many years, “It doesn’t get more American than ogling a British lingerie model (Katie Downes) walking the streets of ole’ London town.” Cohesion: It’s what for dinner I started drinking at noon. SHAZAM!

Happy Labor Day Weekend, everybody! See you jokers on Tuesday.

Eva Longoria used to be a lingerie model before hitting it big on Desperate Housewives. These shots are from 2001, and I want to know who the hell told her to keep pursuing acting? Eva could’ve been cranking more of these pics out or, God willing, done porn. This is exactly why I tell never people to follow their dreams. Unless you’re G4’s Olivia Munn and your dream is to cover me in chocolate sauce. In which case, reach for the stars!

Victoria’s Secret is publishing a coffee table book entitled Supermodel Obsession that features Adriana Lima (above), Doutzen Kroes and others. If you’re like me, you’ve often pulled a shoebox full of old Victoria’s Secret catalogs out from underneath your bed and thought “Gee, I wish someone would collect these into a classy, decorative hardcover book.” It’d make a beautiful addition to my coffee table right next to the whiskey bottles, LEGOs and Geekologie Writer’s mom. Ha ha! I can’t get her to leave!

Dita Von Teese shows off her new line of lingerie that she designed for Wonderbra. It’s meant to be worn all day under your normal clothes because apparently Dita wants all you ladies to be slutty superheroes. Finally, a cause I can support! In the meantime, here are the details from Marie Claire UK:

‘I love it when you can go about your daily business with the knowledge that you have a little secret of your own on underneath. Lingerie shouldn’t be something you just put on for your lover; you should do it for you. It’s not about seducing men, it’s about embracing womanhood.’

Of course, what better way to embrace womanhood than by seducing men. Just sayin’.

When I wrote a post yesterday about Page Six columnist Lydia Hearst making out with Aubrey O’Day, I figured, “Hey, here’s a chick I’ll never write about again for the rest of my life.” But then Lydia launched the new Myla lingerie ad campaign (above) and hosted National Underwear Day in New York last night. Wait, National Underwear Day? Now they’re just making shit up. Our forefathers fought to make this a free nation, and I specifically recall that applying to the hanging state of my testicles. No, really, It was in the original version of the Constitution, not the compromised second draft.

Eva Mendes in lingerie is just brilliant marketing for any product under the sun. She could be in an ad campaign for Industrial Strength Penis Melter, and I’d pour it on my cereal. I don’t know what that says about me as a person, but I’m sure it’s something along the lines of “The Superficial Writer is a national treasure.”

These are promotional shots for Paris Hilton’s new hair extension line DreamCatchers. You can check out the company site here if you absolutely hate your eyes, ears and sense of dignity. In the meantime, I’ve come up with some slogans to help Paris in her entrepreneurial pursuit:

DreamCatchers: Because you’ve stopped taking your meds and stole your grandmother’s purse. Get beautiful!

DreamCatchers: Look we gave her some money and figured she’d choke on the extensions during the development process. Who knew?

DreamCatchers: Or you can keep looking like a trash bag full of cottage cheese, Kim Kardashian.

DreamCatchers: Because you know who gives great hair advice? Chicks with herpes. That’s science. Hair science.