Ha ha! Remember Crazy Britney? Good times. Except when it comes to taking the blame which brings us to Lynne Spears who continues to promote her new book Through the Storm: How I Pimped My Children Then Profited from their Downfall Thanks to Your Purchase. Today she stopped by FOX News’ The Morning Show With Mike and Juliet where Lynne convinced nobody but herself that she cashed in on her kids:

On Britney and Jamie Lynn’s careers:
“People think I was this stage mom, that I was pushing my daughters to do what they did. I was actually their cheerleader. I have never been their manager, that’s never been my role. I was the one that got their coffee in the morning and [got them] out of bed.”

On Kevin Federline:
“I do like Kevin. He has been good to us,” she says. “Kevin could have been a real pill about a lot of things, but he wasn’t. He worked with us and has really tried to make everything good for the boys. He has thought about them through all of this.”

On Sarah Palin:
“I’m glad she didn’t have to go through as much scrutiny as I did. Nobody wants their children to have these kinds of hardships or bumps. Who would want that?”

Some conspiracy theorists (Read: Me) theorize that Lynne Spears slept with Kevin Federline thus sending Britney into a psychological tail spin. And, is it me, or did Lynne just admit that when she said “I do like Kevin.”? Everyone knows it’s scientifically impossible to like something but not have sex with it. Coincidentally, this is also the same excuse I used for why I ruined the turkey during Thanksgiving dinner last year. I expect the same response here: SUCCESS!

Lynne Spears is speaking out about the media’s hypocrisy embracing the pregnancy of Bristol Palin, the 17-year-old daughter of John McCain running mate Sarah Palin. Lynne got her holy nuts kicked in when it was revealed Jamie Lynn was with child, but Sarah Palin is getting a pass, according to Newsweek:

“It’s a totally different reaction. It’s as if [Sarah Palin] became celebrated. I mean, the mother, Palin, was celebrated for this. Every woman in the world has applauded her strength and her convictions and poor little old Jamie Lynn—you saw how she was crucified. Everybody did, firsthand … I just feel like it’s been a very hypocritical situation.”

Lynne added: “I mean, I’ve got a ’special needs’ baby, too. Where’s my outpouring of love? So maybe mine, I dunno, flashes her hooternanny and has a record deal and, okay, had sex with men of Middle Eastern descent. I should get to be a national treasure too! Did I mention she tried to eat a toaster oven once? That too. Give me a parade!“

Lynne Spears stopped by The Today Show for an interview with Meredith Vieira about her memoirs Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World. The book originally started out as a collection of poetry but Lynne quickly realized that’s not how you get a beach house. Here’s Lynne talking for the first time about the Spears’ family journey. On that note, I hope you like a good tale about exploitation, vaginas and shotgun weddings:

On Britney posing for Rolling Stone cover at 17:
“The Rolling Stone interview, we were so in awe. She’s just beginning. She’s just coming on the scene. We didn’t really know what we were doing. We were in shock at what was going on, and we were in awe. We didn’t have any choice in the pictures. We had no one that could tell us what we were supposed to be doing.”

On blaming herself for Britney’s meltdown:
“As a mother, don’t we always blame ourselves?” she asked Vieira rhetorically. “I took a lot of the blame. I took all the blame. The personality I have, it’s always my fault.”

On Jamie Lynn dropping the bomb:
She had been to the doctor that day and was planning to go out for lunch when Jamie Lynn called and told her to come home. Lynne arrived to find her daughter’s boyfriend, Casey Aldridge, there, even though he wasn’t allowed to visit on school days. Aldridge avoided eye contact, she said.
Jamie Lynn handed her mother a note and told her to go into her bedroom to read it. “It said she was pregnant and everything was going to be OK. She was going to raise it … I thought it was a joke. I was waiting for the punch line,” Lynne told Vieira.
“I was in shock. I think I was just truly in shock, and then I started to cry. And she started consoling me at that point.”

On the future of the Spears family:
“We’re through the storm and we’re looking at the sunshine right now.”

I don’t want to say Lynne just jinxed herself, but this just in: Britney Spears was found naked behind the counter of a Malibu Starbucks this morning. Upon opening the store, employees found Ms. Spears mumbling “I can’t quit you” while squirting caramel sauce into her mouth. Authorities say she used one of her children’s Power Wheels to drive through the glass door. Ms. Spears was adamant in pointing out that Jayden, 2, was behind the wheel and “gets like this after a few drinks.”

Video after the jump.

Britney Spears donated the above painting to The Promises Foundation which provides “behavioral health services to low-income women and their children.” The portrait was for sale on eBay with a starting bid of $10,000, but the auction page has been inexplicably pulled. At any rate, the painting was on display in Britney’s parent’s house because who doesn’t love a topless portrait of their daughter hanging around? You know, besides the South.

Britney Spears is making a comeback, folks. She’s stronger than yesterday. Her loneliness ain’t killing her no more. And I’m now going to shoot myself for quoting that song. While I load the gun, check out the latest from OK! Magazine on her climb back to the top after getting her ass pumped full of sunshine at the VMAs:

On her mom’s book:
“Regardless of what people might think, Britney isn’t upset about the book,” an insider tells OK!. “After a tough last year, Brit and Lynne have a wonderful relationship again.”

On fighting for her kids:
“Her goal is to regain joint custody of her sons as soon as her dad Jamie’s status as her conservator ends,” a Spears insider tells OK!.

On planning a “traditional” birthday party:
She is organizing a joint affair for her sons to celebrate Jayden’s second birthday on Sept. 12 and Preston’s third birthday on Sept. 14, with the help of her father.
“I want to have a traditional party,” she told OK!. “I have some friends with kids who I am going to invite.”

Wow! Britney’s inviting children to a children’s party? I’m actually impressed. Especially since last year she invited a pack of stray dogs and Michael Jackson. Also, the cake was coconut. BARF!

In an interview with People about her new book Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World, Lynne Spears seems to be oblivious to the fact that Britney is a burden of the state and can’t see her kids without a SWAT team handy. How can I tell? She’d do this whole trainwreck again in a heartbeat:

“I think you have to let them follow their dreams,” she says in a new interview with PEOPLE. “I think it would be worse in the end if you didn’t.”
But she does express regrets about not listening to her “gut” at times: “Was I the perfect mom? No.”

Fortunately, one person thinks Lynne is the perfect mom: Her teenage daughter Jamie Lynn. You know, the one who had a baby at 17 to a redneck:

She says Britney and Bryan have yet to read it, but “Jamie Lynn loved the book. I started to cry because I told her, ‘I wanted so much for you to like it.’ And she got up and kissed me on the cheek and said, ‘Mama, thank you so much.’”

JAMIE LYNN: Mama, did y’all mean it when you said you gonna make a meal-yen dollahs off this here book?
LYNNE: I did, princess.
JAMIE LYNN: *runs off* Whoopee! I’m gonna have anotha bay-bee!
LYNNE: No, wait, Jamie Lynn. Don’t -
JAMIE LYNN: *hollers from her room* Too late!

Lynne Spears tell-all book Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World is remarkably jam-packed with action for an evangelical book about parenting. Lynne reveals Britney started knocking back booze at 13 and, with her mom’s help, tricked Justin Timberlake into thinking she was a virgin when really Britney nailed a football player at 14. The best part is: Justin fell for it! Oh, man, these Disney kids are dumb. Although, that could just be the drink. NY Daily News has the details:

Alcohol!:
The pop icon took a liking to booze when she was a 13-year-old Mouseketeer and began experimenting with drugs at 15.

Drugs!
By age 16, Britney’s wild-child behavior stunned her family when she was caught with cocaine and marijuana on a private jet, Lynn Spears claims.

SEX!
She admits she allowed her then 16-year-old daughter to sleep with Timberlake, her Mickey Mouse Club co-star, and went along with the hoax that Britney was a virgin. Lynne Spears reveals Timberlake was misled and that Britney lost her virginity to a Kentwood, La., high school football player.

I’m starting to think the title of the book should’ve been Through the Storm - of Shit that I Created Because I Have the Parenting Skills of a Lawnmower. I mean, Christ, what was the point of this thing? Other than to surprise us all that Britney hasn’t stripped naked and hijacked a school bus yet. That was the point? Well then, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

Lynne Spears new book Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World will hit bookshelves next month and it appears ol’ Lynne is cashing in her kids’ lives. The book includes chapters on Britney’s meltdown and Jamie Lynn’s teenage pregnancy. Without these tests of inner strength, Lynne might not have had the fortitude to write this book and totally pay off her Mercedes. E! Online reports:

“The stories Lynne shares reveal the heart of a mother who struggles to keep faith at the center of her life through its many unexpected twists and serendipitous turns,” the prereview states. The book retails for $24.99.
According to BreatheHeavy, a Britney fansite, the publisher says the book sheds light on much more, even touching on Britney’s breakdown, Jamie Lynn’s pregnancy and the infamous Sam Lutfi.

The Superficial has obtained an advanced copy of the book and would like to present its readers with an exclusive excerpt from the Sam Lutfi chapter. Through the Storm on bookshelves Sept. 16:

IX. Douchebeard at the Helm

We made love in the garage, and to this day, I never knew if Britney saw the whole thing. I didn’t even notice her there until she tried to butter her toast with the hedge clippers. Fortunately, no one got hurt except for the bodyguard she stabbed to death. His family asked a lot of questions. I mean, geez, get over it already.

Lynne Spears’ parenting memoir “Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World” is officially set to release in September. A spokesperson for the publisher confirmed the news to People:

“When Jamie Lynn got pregnant, it was put on hold,” says a spokesman for Thomas Nelson, which publishes inspirational books and Bibles. “Lynne never stopped working on it because she wants to express her love for her children and tell their stories through a mother’s eyes.”

“Through the Storm” is catchy but it lacks zazz. Here are some alternative titles that, I think, will have Lynne’s book flying off shelves:

“What Do You Mean You’re Pregnant?: A Mother’s Struggle to Overcome Struggling”

“Have You Seen My Daugther’s Vagina?: One Woman’s Journey Through Womanjourneyhood”

“Where’s Mommy’s Taste? Raising Your Child Star Right in a Godless World.”

Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears’ uncle William Spears is all about airing the family’s dirty laundry. Apparently Jamie Lynn herself was an accident just like the child in her belly that may or may not be Casey Aldridge’s. Jamie Spears had a vasectomy after Britney was born, but yet somehow Lynne ended up pregnant. The Sun reports:

He said: “Jamie got awfully mad. He said it couldn’t be his.” Williams alleges Jamie demanded a DNA test, that eventually proved he was the baby’s biological father.
He added: “That’s why they named her Jamie Lynn, to kind of make the point that she was from both of them.”

Ha! What an amazing way to name your child. I can just imagine how that conversation went with Jamie Lynn: Daddy, where did my name come from? Well, you see, sweetie, Daddy only wanted two kids so he had his balls snipped. See the scar? Well, since God is a sick bastard, somehow you’re mommy got pregnant. Now I’ve always suspected she’s a cheap whore and didn’t believe it was mine. But science proved me wrong, so we decided, shit, we’re stuck with you, why not pick a name that reminds us of how much I distrust that fucking shrew of a woman and wish she’d die in her sleep. The end. Sleep tight, my little princess. Smooches!

PETA sent Jamie and Lynne Spears a letter of concern about Britney. PETA believes that Britney’s consumption of meat and dairy products is making her batshit crazy and want to help. Their reason (Warning: Shameless plug coming.): “The letter suggests putting the suffering star on a vegan diet to help her get her emotional and physical health back to a place where it won’t be daily fodder for Perez and The Superficial.” Nice. Here’s an excerpt of the now-open letter from PETA’s website:

In addition, the Royal College of Psychiatrists in the U.K. studied the relationship between mental disorders and the consumption of meat, dairy, and other animal products and concluded that “a higher national dietary intake of… dairy products predicted a worse two-year outcome of schizophrenia.” They also concluded that a higher consumption of meat was linked to a worsening of schizophrenia, while consumption of beans—a vegetarian protein source—was linked to improvements. In addition, the Mental Health Sanctuary in Washington advises people with bipolar disorder to avoid dairy products.

While the medical link between mental illness and meat and dairy consumption is still evolving, there is no doubt that eating animal products is a major factor in causing other diseases, including the top killers in the U.S. According to the American Dietetic Association, vegetarians are less prone to heart disease, specific types of cancer, diabetes, and obesity than meat-eaters. While switching to a vegan diet might very well benefit Britney’s mental health, it would undoubtedly benefit her physical health.

I love how at the end of this letter PETA basically says “Oh yeah, and also Britney’s kind of fat.” Is it really about the mental health, PETA, or do you just want Britney to drop a few pounds? Don’t feel bad. You’re not the only organization out there who feels the same way. I hear NASA is building an exercise machine that launches Britney into orbit if she doesn’t lose 10 pounds in a week.

P.S. Kudos again for the plug. With the increased site traffic I can buy that combination veal farm/fur coat factory I’ve had my eye on. Thanks, PETA!

Kevin Federline has been beckoned to Fashion Week in New York City by Marc Jacobs and must heed the call. But what about the children? Won’t someone think of the children? Oh, phew, Mama Spears is watching them. Wait, what?! E! News reports:

A source tells E! News that Lynne Spears is supposed to take a break from trash-talking Sam Lutfi and head over to Federline’s Valley home to babysit today, which we’re guessing is going to stretch through Kevin’s visit to the Big Apple.
(K-Fed’s rep has confirmed he is going to the Marc Jacobs show and will be in NYC for one day on business meetings but would not comment on who’s caring for the children.)

I predict that, by the time Lynne is done watching the boys tomorrow night, Jayden knocked up two girls on the playground and Sean checked in and out of rehab no less than five times. (Whether he’s strung out on smack or Oreos is up for debate.) You see, folks, when Lynne Spears shoddily parents, she shoddily parents to the MAX!

As of today, Sam Luftesticles has yet to be served the restraining order that would effectively keep him 250 yards from Britney Spears. In the meantime, he’s acquired himself a press agent, Michael Sands. Ironically, Michael Sands was a media consultant for Mark Vincent Kaplan who is Kevin Federline’s defense lawyer. TMZ reports:

Sands, who knows a thing or two about crisis management, has been brought on board by Lutfi to, as Lutfi put it to us, “set the record straight” about who he is.
Sands cryptically told TMZ, “I’m honored to work with a patriot like Sam Lutfi.” BTW, while Sands worked for Kaplan, his mission was partly to dig up dirt on Brit’s former manager.
For his part, Lutfi told TMZ, “Michael did his research and found the truth.”

Sam also called E! News yesterday to refute Lynne’s allegations that he drugged Britney. He refused to disclose his location but talked about Britney’s manic episodes and the events leading up to her last hospitalization:

“She wrote me a note and put a big heart on it and it said, ‘I love you, Sam. Are there people coming? Circle yes or no.’ Oh my God, it was funny, just the cutest little thing. I circled yes and I gave it back to her, and she looked at me and she’s like, ‘Oh, lord, here we go again.’ “

Britney Spears can write? Ha! Nice try, Captain America. I’m not falling for that one again. I never got my $200 back after I bought Britney’s diary off eBay. She didn’t even write in it unless you consider Elmer’s Glue and chocolate sprinkles a form of written communication. Though I was impressed by her finger painting. Britney’s either very adept at drawing ducks or a lot of her boyfriends had winged genitalia.

Britney Spears’ release from UCLA Medical Center has many people scratching their heads. It turns out that a court-appointed lawyer stepped in and decided that Britney was no longer a danger to herself and others. People reports:

The procedure calls for a hearing at the hospital to find out whether the hold is justified. The rep for the court, called a “hearing referee” – who is usually a lawyer – interviews the patient and doctor to determine if there’s “just cause” for detainment.
“This is when law and medicine collide,” says attorney Terry K. Wasserman, who’s not involved in the Spears matter, “when a lawyer can override a doctor’s opinion.”

Britney Spears’ parents are obviously none-too-thrilled and issued the following statement last night to the media:

“As parents of an adult child in the throes of a mental health crisis, we were extremely disappointed this morning to learn that over the recommendation of her treating psychiatrist, our daughter Britney was released from the hospital that could best care for her and keep her safe.
“We are deeply concerned about our daughter’s safety and vulnerability and we believe her life is presently at risk. There are conservatorship orders in place created to protect our daughter that are being blatantly disregarded. We ask only that the court’s orders be enforced so that a tragedy may be averted.”

My sources tell me that, after releasing the statement, a concerned Lynne and Jamie Spears met with Pentagon officials, The Super Friends and that kid from Home Alone who, sadly, forgot his paint buckets. So much for devising a fully functional crisis response. Kevin, you’re such a disease.*

*My apologies to anyone whose never watched Home Alone and has no idea what I’m talking about. You also have my sympathy for living what must be a shallow, empty existence. Even if you’re a doctor that saves orphans.

Details of the restraining order against Sam Lutmcgyver have surfaced and it paints a pretty ugly picture of what’s been going down with Britney. Lynne Spears provided most of the information in the document and it contains allegations that Sam was drugging Britney. TMZ reports:

At one point Britney “picked up a bottle of pills and read part of the label and asked us, ‘What does insomnia mean?’ Sam told her that the pills will help her stay awake.” Lynne continues, “Sam told Jackie and me that he grinds up Britney’s pills, which were on the counter and included Risperdal (an anti-psychotic drug for schizophrenia and bipolarity) and Seroquel.” The docs continue, “He told us that the doctor who is treating her now is trying to get her into a sleep-induced coma so that they could then give her drugs to heal her brain.”

After downing the pills, Sam then tried to get Britney to do shots of tequila. He also told Britney that Adnan is gay and later threatened Lynne:

Lynne claims before leaving for the drug store that night, Sam gave her drugs upstairs “to make her more light-hearted, happy, and fun.”
During a dispute later that night, Sam allegedly said, “If you try to get rid of me, she’ll be dead and I’ll piss on her grave.”
Brit said, “Can I see another psychiatrist so I can see my babies?” Sam responded, “If I told you to take 10 pills a day, you should do what I tell you to see your babies.”

This explains so much. First, and most importantly, yes, Sam Lutfi indeed has an unhealthy obsession with urinating on the dead thus validating all my jokes. Second, this could mean that Britney is not bipolar after all. She’s just been on the longest drug binge of her life. You know, not counting her years in the Mickey Mouse Club. Back then it was all about Barbie dolls and pure Colombian snow. I heard Britney mugged a seven dwarf for coke money. Of course, you didn’t read about that one in the papers. And not because I made it up.

Adnan Ghalib visited Britney Spears in the hospital yesterday for about 20 minutes. He apparently was really sad when he left. Presumably since his gravy train is on lockdown. However, initial reports said Lynne Spears kicked Adnan out, but now OK! Magazine is saying that Lynne and Adnan are getting along:

Many had speculated that Lynne had taken to Adnan in the days leading up to Britney’s hospitalization, especially when the two rode together to the hospital last week while his archenemy Sam Lutfi and Brit’s cousin, Alli Sims, were left to ride in their own cars.

Holy crap! She is trying to steal Adnan! Britney was right. My God, what else could she have been right about? Maybe endangering your children is the secret to life. Quick, somebody let me borrow their kids. I’ll give them right back. I promise. I just want to erratically drive up and down the freeway with them in the backseat. They’ll be totally safe. My car is so full of empty liquor bottles there’s hardly any room to bounce around. Just ask my date last night. Ha ha! But, no, seriously, she’s still back there. I stop searching on my lunch break.

Britney Spears’ grandfather June Austin Spears spoke to NY Daily News about Jamie Lynn and how her mother Lynne is handling the situation – which is poorly:

“Lynne keeps Jamie Lynn hidden,” June, 77, told us, referring to Britney’s mom and her knocked-up li’l sis.
“[Lynne is] in denial about the pregnancy. She thinks it’s just going to go away, but it’s not. It’s going to get bigger and bigger.”

Then, being the true Southern gentleman, June said he’d never vote for Barack Obama (I wonder why?) and talked about his love for guns:

“I don’t have a gun permit. I keep it under the front seat of my truck,” he told us. And what about those rumors that he’s shot at a few reporters?
There was an ominous silence. “Maybe I have, maybe I haven’t.”

Ha! Racist old men with guns are adorable. I don’t care what anyone says. That shit is precious. I mean, just because they’re senile doesn’t mean they’ll randomly open fire. Wait, it does? Yikes. Okay, everyone stay calm. I may have kind of given my grandfather a .38 to play with while he walked to the drug store. My bad. We ran out of prune juice. He was feeling kind of down. I thought it might cheer him up. Which it did, but only after he shot my “sumbitch Jap car.” The joke’s on him though. I drive a Powers Wheels.

Lynne and Jamie Spears are in court today request the judge create a conservatorship which would allow Jamie and Lynne to be in control of Britney’s medical care, according to TMZ:

The conservatorship would also allow them to control Britney’s financial affairs. Both parents have made it clear: they believe Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib are squandering Brit’s assets.

The main issue seems to be money which Sam Lutfi says Lynne is after and Lynne says Sam is after. However a family source provided People with some interesting info:

“As the money came in, the family began to fight more. If Britney was aggravated with Lynne, maybe Bryan would side with Britney because he was on the payroll.” Now, “It doesn’t seem like there’s much of a payroll, I guess they might have to get jobs like the rest of us.” Sources confirm Lynne’s Kentwood mansion Serenity is still paid for by her eldest daughter.

Then again a source in the Federline camp paints an interesting picture of Sam that explains the rants Britney made about Lynne and her boyfriend:

The source also says Lutfi has been “telling Britney that Adnan [Ghalib] and her mother have been conspiring to do this so he looks like a savior. It’s really sick and crazy.”

On the other end of the spectrum, The Superficial Writer blames Mayor McCheese and his delicious Quarter Pounders. You want to know where Britney’s money went, my friends. Look no further than the Golden Arches. I rest my case. Has anyone seen my gavel?

Britney Spears supposedly told doctors at UCLA she’s on Adderall and has been taking ten laxatives a day. Wow, on top of all that Starbucks? That’s pretty gross. Anyway, she also laid down some heavy accusations against her mom Lynne, according to TMZ:

We’re also told, when she was admitted, Britney accused her mom of “sleeping with my boyfriend.” She wasn’t specific on who she was referring to.
We’re also told that for a time she was hurling profanities at her parents and staff.

Lynne Spears and Adnan McWienerPills? Of course. That makes absolutely zero sense whatsoever. Therefore it’s gotta be true. I’m on board. Lynne, you whore!

There’s nothing like waking up in the morning and finding out Britney Spears went insane again while you were sleeping. As I’m sifting through the deluge of info, it appears Sam Lufti is was the point man with the doctors who are taking care of Britney. During her last trip to the hospital, she signed some form stating she doesn’t want her parents involved in any type of medical emergency, according to TMZ:

We’re told her dad had gone ballistic back then, screaming and swearing at Lutfi — even pushing him — in front of Britney. As to what paperwork was signed, the cleanest thing would be if Britney signed a durable power of attorney, giving someone power to make medical decisions on her behalf in an emergency. We are told no such document was signed, but somehow Britney made it clear she wanted Lutfi to make those decisions.

Obviously her parents have called in all kinds of lawyers to get this mess straightened out. In the meantime, E! Online is reporting that Sam is the one who contacted Britney’s psychiatrist to get the ball rolling. Plans had been laid for days to get Britney hospitalized and the LAPD was ready for the call:

Lutfi was said to be key in making it happen, even over the objections of the singer’s recently reunited mother, Lynne.
“The scene inside the house was chaos,” the insider continued. “Lynne was shouting at police. She didn’t want them to take Britney away at first. It was a zoo.”

Here’s an interesting little item that I remembered from yesterday on TMZ. Britney and Sam got into a loud screaming match in front of the paps over who would drive her new Mercedes Benz. The Benz that Sam made her go out and buy while her parents were in town. He was spotted driving the car to the hospital this morning. It seems like Britney is Sam’s goose that lays the golden eggs. As long as he keeps her in the hospital, he still gets to have McMuffins. Or maybe an omelet. Western style. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I haven’t had breakfast yet.