Madonna attended the annual Kabbalah Purim party last night dressed like a goth Catholic schoolgirl. Way to ruin that fantasy for me, Madonna. What’s next on your list? Sexy nurses? Naughty meter maids? Lusty garbage ladies with their own… …read full story

Despite performing with her on tour, Madonna apparently isn’t a fan of Britney Spears’ music. Then again, Madonna hasn’t been a teenage girl since Henry Ford rolled out the Model T, and she had sex with him in the… …read full story

Despite reports she’d be escorted by Jesus Luz to the Academy Awards, Madonna showed up stag to the Vanity Fair Oscar Party last night. I guess she didn’t want Jesus’ exotic looks distracting anyone from “the gun show.” Which… …read full story

Madonna stopped by an LA Kabbalah center Friday night sporting some noticeable facial hair on her chin. After seeing these pics, I take back everything I’ve ever said about her. She is totally getting hotter! For real, if Madonna… …read full story

Probably because A-Rod publicly admitted to juicing himself up and therefore has tiny testicles, sources for OK! Magazine say Madonna’s bringing her Brazilian model boyfriend Jesus Luz to the Oscars on Sunday. Nobody knows about his testicles, so it …read full story

Gwyneth Paltrow wore a Kabbalah bracelet to the premiere of her new movie Two Lovers last night, and seriously, is anyone surprised? I’m pretty sure Gwyneth will do at least one, if not all, of the following things in… …read full story

Alex “A-Rod” Rodriguez is starting to get pissed about Madonna spending more and more time with 22-year-old Brazilian model Jesus Luz (above). Somewhere Cindy Rodriguez is laughing on top a pile of alimony. NY Daily News reports: Madonna has… …read full story

Despite recently dating a zombie, Madonna has rekindled her love affair with Alex “A-Rod” Rodriguez. The two spent the weekend at Jerry Seinfeld’s home in the Hamptons, according to Page Six:

But the downtime did little to calm the recently divorced pop star’s nerves. She’s fuming over unflattering photos from her album cover shoot that were leaked online. A snitch said, “Madonna called up the label screaming when the photos got out.”

Right, because before the leaked images got out, I didn’t think Madonna drained the life-force of children to live. But now, RUN, DAVID BANDA, RUN! Warn the villagers! She’s got adoption papers!

What’s searing your retinas right now are new promo shots for Madonna’s Hard Candy album. It’s like she walked on set and asked to look like Marilyn Manson, but less appealing to the eye. That said, this can’t be selling CDs. Unless they come with razor blades, in which case, I’ll take two.

Well played, Madonna. Well played.

A surprisingly decent looking Madonna went on a date last night with an unidentified mystery man, and this guy doesn’t even look like he’s alive. Oh, she touched him with the death hands; He’s not. Wow. Nothing like starting your night thinking you’ll be banging a dolled-up Madonna only to be fed to giant scarabs in her basement instead. But then again, who wouldn’t prefer that outcome? A-Rod, sit down.

Here’s Madonna in the latest Louis Vuitton ad, and what the decaying hell are these people smoking? I seriously doubt anyone is looking at this photo and thinking to themselves “Oh, wow, a vag-cophagus. I suddenly need a new handag.” Unless Louis Vuitton is aggressively courting the elusive “Gay Paleontologist” market. In which case, jackpot!

Here’s Madonna in the latest Louis Vuitton ad, and what the decaying hell are these people smoking? I seriously doubt anyone is looking at this photo and thinking to themselves “Oh, wow, a vag-cophagus. I suddenly need a new handag.” Unless Louis Vuitton is aggressively courting the elusive “Gay Paleontologist” market. In which case, jackpot!

Madonna has already grown weary of A-Rod (Or sacrificed him to Ra the Sun God) and has moved on to young Brazilian model Jesus Luz. The two recently posed together for a W Magazine photo shoot, and he’s become a permanent fixture on her tour ever since. Page Six reports:

“She was very interested in him,” our sources say - so interested that she invited Luz to join her tour in Sao Paolo and he accepted. “He’s there with her now and [photographer] Steven Klein is helping him get along with everyone.”
According to the Brazilian Web site, “Everyone knows they are ficando - which is a Portuguese expression that means they are kissing and doing other things but without any obligation of being faithful or getting into a relationship afterwards.”

Okay, here’s what I don’t get, Madonna is clearly into Latin men, so how the hell did she end up with Guy Ritchie in the first place? I’m not saying he’s the palest white man out there, however he is British and therefore glows in the dark. I guess it comes in handy so you don’t trip going to the bathroom, but damn, lady, you’re rich. Buy a nightlight.

- Madonna wants to adopt another child despite her divorce from Guy Ritchie. With a full schedule of touring on her plate, sources say she’s going the old-fashioned route: Bear traps and lollipops. [Star]

- Jeremy Piven tried to say he had mono before switching to his sushi-induced mercury poisoning excuse for bailing on Broadway play. Personally, I think he should’ve gone with cat AIDS, but hey, we can’t all be professionals. [TMZ]

- David Copperfield broke an assistant’s arm during a magic trick last night. “Many people assume that the death-defying illusions I do onstage are not dangerous,” he said before adding “Which is why I let the interns do all the crazy shit. Otherwise, no supper. SHAZAM!” [E! Online]

- The Duggar Family, stars of TLC’s 17 Kids and Counting and followers of the insane Quiverfull movement, welcomed an 18th child last night and are already talking about a 19th. Somewhere, Angelina Jolie is giving her uterus the pep talk of its life. It’s on, fuckers! [People]

Madonna is denying reports that she paid Guy Ritchie a $76 million divorce settlement. The two issued a joint statement this morning refuting yesterday’s highly publicized reports of their settlement, according to People:

“We have tried to maintain a dignified silence regarding the details of our divorce for the last few months whilst accepting the obvious media interest.
“A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money involved, was wrongly issued to AP this week.
“The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement.
“Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well being of our children.”

Jesus, Madonna, which is it? First, you didn’t want to give Guy Ritchie any money. Then you wanted to give him money, and make him look like a gold-digger. But now the two of you are issuing joint statements together which makes absolutely no fucking sense. Seriously, I’m tempted to send someone over to check your sarcophagus for a gas leak. Where do you hide a spare key for A-Rod? Under the Sphinx? Got it.

Madonna is denying reports that she paid Guy Ritchie a $76 million divorce settlement. The two issued a joint statement this morning refuting yesterday’s highly publicized reports of their settlement, according to People:

“We have tried to maintain a dignified silence regarding the details of our divorce for the last few months whilst accepting the obvious media interest.
“A misleading and inaccurate statement, specifically in relation to the sums of money involved, was wrongly issued to AP this week.
“The financial details of the settlement will remain private, save to say that both of us are happy with our agreement.
“Our primary concern, like any co-parents, is the care and well being of our children.”

Jesus, Madonna, which is it? First, you didn’t want to give Guy Ritchie any money. Then you wanted to give him money, and make him look like a gold-digger. But now the two of you are issuing joint statements together which makes absolutely no fucking sense. Seriously, I’m tempted to send someone over to check your sarcophagus for a gas leak. Where do you hide a spare key for A-Rod? Under the Sphinx? Got it.

Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Coldplay singer Chris Martin are reportedly shacked up in their London home in an effort to save their marriage. However, friends are saying the couple’s main problem is Madonna, according to NY Daily News:

The Oscar-winner is so committed, “she’s staying overseas until the holidays are over,” even forgoing events she typically loves, like tonight’s third annual Food Bank Lunchbox Auction bash. She usually hosts the event with close friend Mario Batali.”
But despite Paltrow’s claim that everything is smooth sailing, we hear Madonna may be the thorn in her marriage’s side. “Gwyneth has the Madonna bug… bad,” the pal says. “It’s eerie. Gwyneth acts normally until Madonna comes around, and then Gwyn is all about Madonna, all the time. Madge has even introduced Gwyneth to all her friends.
“Now instead of going to see Chris perform, she’d rather hang out with people like Alex Rodriguez and Ingrid Casares.”

I heard that, if Madonna crosses your path on a full moon, she’ll make you cheat on your significant other then come up with some crazy excuse on your celebrity blog that nobody’s buying and you’re sleeping in the bathtub tonight. Curse you, Madonna!

NOTE: Has anyone seen my loofah-pillow?

Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Coldplay singer Chris Martin are reportedly shacked up in their London home in an effort to save their marriage. However, friends are saying the couple’s main problem is Madonna, according to NY Daily News:

The Oscar-winner is so committed, “she’s staying overseas until the holidays are over,” even forgoing events she typically loves, like tonight’s third annual Food Bank Lunchbox Auction bash. She usually hosts the event with close friend Mario Batali.”
But despite Paltrow’s claim that everything is smooth sailing, we hear Madonna may be the thorn in her marriage’s side. “Gwyneth has the Madonna bug… bad,” the pal says. “It’s eerie. Gwyneth acts normally until Madonna comes around, and then Gwyn is all about Madonna, all the time. Madge has even introduced Gwyneth to all her friends.
“Now instead of going to see Chris perform, she’d rather hang out with people like Alex Rodriguez and Ingrid Casares.”

I heard that, if Madonna crosses your path on a full moon, she’ll make you cheat on your significant other then come up with some crazy excuse on your celebrity blog that nobody’s buying and you’re sleeping in the bathtub tonight. Curse you, Madonna!

NOTE: Has anyone seen my loofah-pillow?

Despite claims that Guy Ritchie will walk away from his divorce with none of Madonna’s money, he is reportedly getting a $64 million payoff to let her keep their London home and sign away any claims to her $600 million fortune. News of the World reports:

But a source revealed: “He is getting one lump sum imminently. Guy wanted to stay in their London home but Madonna refused to split it in two, and eventually gave him £12 million as compensation. She decided early on that he should get Ashcombe.
“Guy’s ducked out of fighting over her fortune, even though he could be entitled to a big chunk.”
A friend of Madonna said last night: “She is fed- up at reports that Guy is walking away with no money—she has sorted his finances for life.”

Let me get this straight: Madonna is tired of Guy Ritchie saying he’s not taking her money, so she threw $64 million at him to piss him off. - - Damn, she’s figured it out. Alright, ladies, I didn’t want to do this, but since Madonna cracked the code, it’s time to come clean. If you really want to get your man back, nothing will piss him off more than $64 million in cold hard cash. We fucking hate that. Sorry, fellas, the cat’s out of the bag. Those crafty women have outsmarted us again because they can be doctors, too, and don’t look fat in those jeans, Beautiful.

The Superficial News to get you through your Friday. Can anyone else almost taste that liquor? Oh, right, I filled my coffee mug with bourbon. Mmm, tastes like happy:

- Jessica Simpson wants to major in religion after seeing a documentary on “The Da Vinci Code.” For the love of God, why is nobody making this woman watch documentaries on Jenna Jameson?! [The Sun]

- A-Rod says he’s only friends with Madonna and “that’s it.” This is the only celebrity denial I’ll believe based solely on the fact there are vampire bats in Madonna’s vagina. [People]

- Heath Ledger’s final resting place is having a hard time finding tenants. Locals say it’s haunted by two skeletons in fur coats who make things “look like an accident.” [Page Six]

- Tea Leoni and David Duchovny are back together. He’s agreed to give up Internet porn while she’s agreed to stop making him have sex on a towel even though they just got this comforter, dammit. [Star]