Guy Ritchie just poured tea, biscuits and poor dental hygiene all over Madonna’s claims that he’s a gold-digger. The British director has refused to accept a penny of her money in their divorce settlement with his only concern being the living arrangement of their children. The Daily Mail reports:

Although Ritchie, himself believed to be worth £30m, was entitled under English divorce law to as much as half of her wealth, sources suggest he has done a ‘Piper’ - a reference to Billie Piper, the actress who divorced the broadcaster Chris Evans without asking for anything.
The stumbling block in the split had been over where Ritchie and Madonna’s children will now live.
Madonna, 50, wished to take the children back to New York while Ritchie, 40, wanted to keep his sons in London, where they have grown up.
The source said a compromise had now been reached which will see the two boys - Rocco, eight, and three-year-old adopted David - dividing their time between Britain and the US.

Before everyone starts singing the praises of Guy Ritchie, his intentions are not entirely altruistic. C’mon, the dude’s smart. He knows you don’t steal a mummy’s gold without a scorpion ending up in your urethra. That’s science.

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D9715′;
addthis_title = ‘Pebbles+Flintstone+would+be+so+jealous+of+Madonna%27s+dress’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

Alex “A-Rod” Rodriguez really wants to get inside Madonna’s sarcophagus because here he is at the grand opening of Fountainebleu last night schmoozing with Gwyneth Paltrow. Ah, yes, the ol’ “get in good with the best friend” maneuver. Guys, if you can win over your lady’s friends, she’ll do anything for you - except have a threesome. Even though you just spent two hours picking out curtains. Is it because I liked the blue ones? I can change!

Above is the set of rules Madonna sent Guy Ritchie whose sons, Rocca and David, are with him in London. Jesus Christ, does this lady have some balls. Scope out some of these demands (via The Daily Mail):

1. All water must be Kabbalah-blessed water.
2. No man-made fibers in their clothing.
3. No newspapers, magazines, TV or DVDs.
4. Guy Ritchie must not be photographed in public with them.
5. David has to be read the English Rose books Madonna wrote every night before bed.

So, basically Guy Ritchie has to carry his kids in a shoebox full of Kashi and Madonna books. There’s Holocaust survivors reading this post going “Wow, what a bitch.”

Denise Richards caught the LA show of Madonna’s Sticky & Sweet tour and found herself uplifted by the decaying figure pretending to play the guitar. Us Magazine reports:

“You feel lazy watching her because you gotta get off your butt and just work,” she told Usmagazine.com at club Tao’s three-year anniversary in Las Vegas over the weekend.
Richards added that the singer (who recently announced her divorce from Guy Ritchie) “is really an inspiration for everyone.”
Meanwhile, Richards said she can’t wait to get behind the camera to film the second season of her E! reality show It’s Complicated. How is this season going to be different?
“As my life changes, season two will be different because different things happen, and it’s a reality show,” she told Us.

And who isn’t looking forward to season two of Denise Richards: It’s Complicated? I can’t wait to watch Denise turn herself into a sinewy mummy ala Madonna only to have her show canceled when half her audience accidentally swallows quarters. Because, seriously, who the fuck is watching this thing? I had no idea there was a built in demographic who wants to incessantly hear how Charlie Sheen is a shitty dad because he masturbates to gay porn all day. I mean, c’mon, folks. That hasn’t stopped The Geekologie Writer from raising three lovely children.

EDIT: Goldfish. Three lovely goldfish.

Because she’s a big girl now, Hayden Panettiere got to stay up late and attend the Madonna concert last night. Of course, everyone knows you don’t go to a Madonna concert without looking super sexy. Unfortunately, in Hayden’s case, she ended up looking super FAIL. I think I speak for everybody when I say Hayden Panettiere should only be seen in her Heroes cheerleader outfit until she reaches the ripe old age of 102 like that other midget actor, what’s his face? Kevin Connolly.

NOTE: For those of you remembering my days of unbridled lust for Hayden, you ever fall in love with somebody then wake up one day and realize “Hey, you’re nothing like I thought you were”? That’s sort of what’s going on here. And, also, with the pizza I ordered last night. Anyone know how to get mushroom stains off of sheets?

Dear Ryan Seacrest,

Last night, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake performed in LA with Madonna - but not together as you had promised. Instead, Ms. Spears stood painfully still singing “Human Nature,” while afterward, Master Timberlake appeared looking like the Artful Dodger’s gay cousin Skippy. My only response to you, Mr. Seacrest, is “What in the hell?”
Like most of the civilized world, I had hoped the former lovers would reunite on stage reminding us of sweet innocence, and that time I masturbated to my roommate’s Britney poster in college (Sorry, Kevin!). It would be a joyous celebration. Only to be interrupted by Madonna devouring their souls and proclaiming herself “Justney Spearserlake.” “Justney” would then spend the remainder of the evening eating puppies and small children in the downtown area to the beat of “Lucky Star.” In hindsight, perhaps my expectations were too high, but then again, I’m a music lover.
As a man of honor, I cannot let this travesty go unanswered. Therefore, I’ve retaliated in a way that will haunt even the darkest of your dreams, Mr. Seacrest:
I canceled your 10:15 tanning appointment - and seaweed wrap.

May God have mercy on us all,

The Superficial Writer

Last night Madonna played Dodgers Stadium and she invited some old friends to join her on stage. Britney Spears joined her for Human Nature and let us know Its Britney B!tch. Justin Timberlake joined her for their hit song 4 Minutes. The crowd seemed happy to see both show up even though the 7:30p show didn’t start until 10p. I don’t know about you, but that would piss me off.
Too bad Madonna couldn’t get Britney and Justin to reunite, now that would have been hot. BTW Jimmy Kimmel put it best on his show…Britney joined Madonna and Justin Timberlake at Dodgers Stadium…the two people who took her virginity.

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D9610′;
addthis_title = ‘Britney+Spears+and+Justin+Timberlake+join+Madonna+on+stage’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake are supposedly performing tonight in Madonna’s Sticky & Sweet Tour at Dodger’s Stadium, according to Ryan Seacrest (via Us Magazine):

“They are going to be onstage performing with Madonna,” Seacrest said on KIIS-FM host DJ BoyToy Jesse’s Wednesday-afternoon show.
The exes have both collaborated individually with Madonna.
Added Seacrest, “If Justin and Britney end up on that stage with her … I don’t know if I’ve ever seen anything quite like that before.”

You’re right, Ryan Seacrest. That’d be like Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez starring in a movie together - about a dancing corpse. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston presenting an Academy Award together - to a dancing corpse. Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson singing a song together - with a - I think you get the picture: Which is let’s bury Madonna. I mean, seriously, how long could she haunt my dreams afterward? Like a week? Two weeks? What if I drank my weight in NyQuil before bed?

Jerry Seinfeld may be one of the richest entertainers alive, but apparently he’s always there for a friend. Even one who needs a private location to bang his undead mistress right after she announced her divorce. The Sun reports:

A Hamptons source said: “A-Rod arrived at the airport by helicopter and was whisked away in one of Seinfeld’s Porsches.
“Madonna arrived less than an hour later by helicopter and left with Seinfeld in another car.
“It is believed they all went to Seinfeld’s mansion for a discreet party for a few hours, before they all left separately.”
The meeting was on October 21, six days after The Sun revealed Madonna and Guy, 40, were to divorce. Madonna took a break from her world tour.

Okay, in all seriousness, I highly doubt Jerry Seinfeld let Madonna and A-Rod have unholy fornication in his mansion. Unless he planned on burning it down and collecting the insurance money. Wow, that came off as anti-Semitic. What I mean is, the few body fluids Madonna is capable of producing have supernatural properties rendering Jerry’s mansion unsafe for living. In fact, A-Rod’s with a priest right now getting his testicles exorcised after exposing them to “the shriveled gateway of Zuul.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that. See what I did there?

Madonna is apparently so fanatical about her workout routine that she would keep a strict itinerary that determined when she had sex with Guy Ritchie. Wait. Married people have sex? This can’t be right… The Daily Mail reports:

A source close to the couple told the MailOnline last night: ‘With her time being so
precious to her, and with there being more important things to her like spending three of four hours in the gym every day, it become just another thing in the diary. In the last couple of years, it was all schemed into the diary.
‘Guy of course felt this a tremendous turn-off to be at the same level of importance as, for example, her gym sessions and Kabbalah meetings.
‘As a consequence, their sex life died more than a year ago. It is no exaggeration to say that they had not shared a bed in a year when the divorce was announced. And when the sex died for them, the marriage was doomed.’

ASSISTANT: Pardon me, sir, but there appears to be a naked corpse in your study.
GUY: Bloody hell. What day is it?
ASSISTANT: Excuse me, sir?
GUY: For Chrissakes, man, what’s the date?
ASSISTANT: The 14th.
GUY: No; our anniversary. Fetch me a Crucifix and be quick about it
MADONNA: KABALLEE-AAHHHHHHHHH!
GUY: She’s taken flight! The Crucifix, man, THE CRUCIFIX!
MADONNA: PILATEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!
GUY: *picks up phone* A-Rod? Guy Ritchie. Can you come over for a minute?
MADONNA: REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
GUY: Oh, yeah, she’s ready.

Take a gander at British actress Kelly Reilly above who not only stars in Guy Ritchie’s adaptation of Sherlock Holmes but might also be having sex with him that doesn’t technically qualify as necrophilia. Us Weekly reports:

On Oct. 18 - three days after he announced he and Madonna were divorcing - he sent his driver back to his $12 million home in London’s Marylebone district “very last-minute” to pack an overnight bag for a stay at a nearby Chatham hotel — where Reilly is residing.

I think we can all agree it’d be pretty easy for Guy Ritchie to find somebody way more attractive than Madonna - provided he didn’t meet his new lady in the burn unit of the nearest hospital. And even then, who’s to say?

Ah, Madonna’s divorce: It’s the publicity gravy train that keeps on giving. This time around it’s Gwyneth Paltrow whose drinking from the trough as she tells Us Magazine all about being Madonna’s shoulder to cry on:

“You know, she’s a dear friend, and I’m supporting her in all [the] ways that I can,” Paltrow, 36, told Usmagazine.com at the Two Lovers Premiere in London Monday.
“I’m just here for her,” Paltrow added. “I’m just here on the other end of the phone, really.”
Paltrow says she’s been in constant contact with her pal.
“I speak to her a lot,” she said.

So, basically, Gwyneth Paltrow’s outpouring of support is to pick up the phone and say “God, what an asshole” for twenty minutes. Wow. I’m surprised people don’t pass her on the street and yell “Holy shit, it’s Mother Teresa - if she believed in cell phones!”

Guy Ritchie is reportedly going to walk away from his marriage to Madonna with $60 million along with their British retreat Ashcombe and the Punchbowl pub (which he owned to begin with.) But Skeletor Barbie is going nuclear and claiming that Guy is a gold-digger, according to The Sun:

Queen of Pop Madonna, who famously follows the mystical Jewish religion Kabbalah, told a friend: “I’m totally devastated that Guy’s turned out to be such a gold-digger.
“I thought we’d been on a spiritual journey together for the past ten years — but obviously I was wrong. He’s just after my money. I’ve worked my ass off for the last 30 years to get what I have, and now this gold-digger wants to take it from me.
“Kabbalah philosophy teaches that you don’t take what you haven’t earned. Well that’s exactly what Guy is doing. He hasn’t earned a penny of it, yet wants to take, take, take. He keeps upping his demands — he just wants more, and more, and more from me. It’s unbelievable.”

On the flip side, sources for Guy Ritchie say he’s merely recouping his financial losses and could’ve taken her to the cleaners:

Guy’s camp are insisting he is NOT a gold-digger — pointing out that, had he wanted, he could have got more than five times the figure involved. They put that sum at around $60million of property — equivalent to about £34.5million. But Madonna’s camp disputes the figure — insisting her husband is after much more than that.
One source added: “The divorce is not a done deal yet. Guy will definitely keep Ashcombe and he gets the cash equivalent of all their London properties and the Punchbowl pub, which was always his anyway.

Does anyone remember Swept Away the movie Guy directed starring Madonna? If you do, first off, my apologies. Second, that thing was a gaping head wound to Guy Ritchie’s career and, frankly, I’m surprised he’s legally allowed near a film camera. Which is why, in the court of public opinion, I doubt anyone’s going to begrudge the man a dime that he gets from Madonna. I mean, look what she turned into! I almost feel like Guy Ritchie deserves half of my money for bedding that thing.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie’s marriage hit the skids in 2005 when Madonna was injured in a horse-riding accident. Apparently Guy didn’t fawn over Madonna enough which has been the crux of every single fight they’ve had since, a family friend told The Sun:

“If you can pinpoint an exact event or incident which spelled the death knell for them as a couple, Madonna’s horse-riding accident was it. Every other row the couple had following that boiled down to what happened that summer.”
The family friend said: “Madonna was in a huge amount of pain and expected Guy to drop everything to be at her bedside. In her mind that is what every husband should do to support his wife when she has been through a traumatic, possibly life-threatening, experience. But Guy approached the whole thing in what she now calls, ‘A very British way’.”

Madonna is now swearing off all British men because, as we learned yesterday, they’re “emotional retards:”

Pals say Madge …. now blames her man’s “no-nonsense” approach to their marriage on his British public school upbringing.
She says he was “typical of emotionally-stunted British men” and refuses to ever date another Brit. The pal said: “Madonna’s convinced British men are light years behind Americans when it comes to emotional honesty and sophistication.”

I’m sure all the English fellows are deeply saddened to learn they won’t be having sex with Madonna. I’m kidding, of course. They probably feel like they won the lottery - except instead of cash they won not Madonna’s vagina. Huzzah!

Madonna gave her first concert performance last night since announcing her divorce. The “Sticky & Sweet” tour continued in Boston where PythonArms DeathFace took a crack at her soon-to-be ex-husband Guy Ritchie. NY Daily News reports:

Her Madgesty dedicated the song “Miles Away,” about a couple that grows apart, to the “emotionally retarded” in a not-so-subtle jab at her soon to be ex-husband Guy Ritchie on Wednesday night in Boston.
“This song is for the emotionally retarded,” Madonna announced to the 20,000-plus crowd at the latest stop on her “Sticky and Sweet” tour. “Maybe you know some people who fall into that category. God knows I do.”

I take offense to this. As someone with “emotional Tourette’s” I can’t help but think “Fuck. SHIT. Damn. My father never hugged me.”

Madonna strongly believes the show must go on, so she didn’t a thing like announcing she is getting a divorce stop her performing last night in Boston. Madonna being the vocal person that she is, looks to have made a jab at her soon-to-be ex husband Guy Rithcie according to Daily Mail.

Before she sang ‘Miles Away’, which Madonna previously claimed was inspired by Ritchie, she told the audience: ‘This song is for the emotionally retarded. Maybe you know some people who fall into that category. I know I do.’

So do you think that is the first of many disses against Guy?

addthis_url = ‘http%3A%2F%2Fseriouslyomg.com%2F%3Fp%3D9427′;
addthis_title = ‘Madonna%27s+diss+to+Guy+Ritchie%3F’;
addthis_pub = ’seriously’;

Wow. Didn’t take long for these rumors to kick back up: Apparently, Madonna and Alex “A-Rod” Rodriguez are “definitely romantic,” according to sources for Us Magazine:

“Guy is not involved in this equation,” the insider tells Usmagazine.com. “With or without A-Rod, Madonna and Guy haven’t been ‘together’ for over a year - they have been privately separated. Madonna, however, wanted to finish her world tour before divorcing.”
An A-Rod source tells Us, “A-Rod and Madonna are more involved than ever. Alex has really missed spending time with Madonna. However, he understands the position Madonna’s in.”

Oh, he understands the “position” she’s in alright: Sarcophagus-style. Chicka chicka wah wah. - - Yeah, I definitely just died a little inside from that one. Sort of like Madonna’s hands, but you know, internally.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are officially ending their marriage. They’ve prepared a public announcement and plan on having the divorce finalized before Christmas, according to The Sun:

The couple are going public with their split because they “can’t bear to live with the pretense any longer”.
They have had a string of shouting matches about the amount of time each devotes to their careers, and over Madonna’s desire to adopt another child. These arguments smashed through their attempts at reconciliation “like a sledgehammer”.
Pals say Madge, 50, initially wanted to wait until next year to announce their separation — after her Sticky and Sweet global tour is finished. But now she and Brit movie director Guy, 40, want a divorce finalized before Christmas — which would have seen the eighth anniversary of their fairytale wedding in a Scottish castle.

I don’t get why Madonna is so concerned about a divorce affecting ticket sales for her tour. I doubt people are going: “She’s not married anymore? Fuck this; I’m going to see Fergie.” C’mon. Madonna fans will be there no matter what. Otherwise, she’ll haunt their dreams with her devil arms per the Official Fan Club Charter. Never sign anything in blood, kids. On that note, I need to find a witch doctor to get me out of my cell phone contract.

Madonna and Guy Ritchie are officially ending their marriage. They’ve prepared a public announcement and plan on having the divorce finalized before Christmas, according to The Sun:

The couple are going public with their split because they “can’t bear to live with the pretense any longer”.
They have had a string of shouting matches about the amount of time each devotes to their careers, and over Madonna’s desire to adopt another child. These arguments smashed through their attempts at reconciliation “like a sledgehammer”.
Pals say Madge, 50, initially wanted to wait until next year to announce their separation — after her Sticky and Sweet global tour is finished. But now she and Brit movie director Guy, 40, want a divorce finalized before Christmas — which would have seen the eighth anniversary of their fairytale wedding in a Scottish castle.

I don’t get why Madonna is so concerned about a divorce affecting ticket sales for her tour. I doubt people are going: “She’s not married anymore? Fuck this; I’m going to see Fergie.” C’mon. Madonna fans will be there no matter what. Otherwise, she’ll haunt their dreams with her devil arms per the Official Fan Club Charter. Never sign anything in blood, kids. On that note, I need to find a witch doctor to get me out of my cell phone contract.

UPDATE: It’s official. Madonna’s rep just issued a statement to the AP.