Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams apparently got married yesterday in Georgia, according to People: The couple, who got engaged just last month, tied the knot in Savannah, Ga., Moore’s rep confirms to PEOPLE. The singer-actress, 24, and Adams, 34,… …read full story

Chris Brown appeared in court yesterday afternoon to be arraigned on charges of felony assault and making criminal threats. During the proceedings it became obvious that Rihanna is going to offer prosecutors minimal cooperation and the two might ser …read full story

Here’s the most believable news ever: Rihanna and Chris Brown are married, according to Star: “All she’s ever wanted was to be with him forever,” a source tells Star. “Rihanna is looking for the husband-and-two-kids deal before she turns… …read full story

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen and New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady quietly wed at St. Monica Church in Santa Monica Thursday, according to Us Magazine: The ceremony — which began at dusk — was “very small and intimate,” a source… …read full story

Salma Hayek married her on/off billionaire boyfriend, and the father of her daughter, Francois-Henri Pinault on Valentine’s Day, according to the AP: An official at the City Hall in Paris’ 6th arrondissement says the Mexican-born actress wed French …read full story

Fergie and Josh Duhamel tied the knot yesterday at the Church Estate Vineyards in Malibu, People reports:

The Black Eyed Peas singer, 33, wearing a Dolce & Gabbana gown, and the actor, 36, tied the knot at the Church Estates Vineyards in Malibu.
Fergie carried a bouquet of white flowers studded with crystals as the couple exchanged H. Stern rings engraved with personal messages. Ten bridesmaids were dressed in contrasting black.

God bless Josh Duhamel for being the only man alive to say “Oh, yeah, I want to wake up next to that face.” Personally, I’d prefer a homeless guy with a gaping head wound. Which reminds me: Hey, Bleedy, want some Pop Tarts? Bleedy? Oh, no…

Congratulations, Josh & Fergie. May your happiness last. Dammit, Bleedy, it wasn’t your time!

Britney Spears’ brother Bryan married Jamie Lynn Spears’ manager on New Year’s Eve in an event that family members described as “Not quite incest. But close enough.” People reports:

“It was beautiful,” a source tells PEOPLE about the elder Spears’s wedding to Graciella Sanchez, 36, longtime manager of little sister Jamie Lynn. “It was only close family, very small and intimate.”
While the couple’s engagement may have caught many by surprise – they only recently started dating seriously – the two have been acquaintances for years.
“The family was totally excited,” a friend of the family tells PEOPLE. “Graciella’s wonderful. Everybody was happy about it.”

Wait. Jamie Lynn Spears has a manager? Then where the hell was this Graciella woman when Casey Aldridge was putting his virile redneck seed in her client’s underage hoo-ha? Obviously, she had her hands full banging her way into the Spears’ family fortune which, now that I think about it, was kind of a smart move. Those MBAs really do pay for themselves.

Apparently, the epic volumes of fake exuded from Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt has caused the Associated Press, an actual legitimate news source, to investigate the legality of their nuptials. In a teaser for the fourth season of The Hills, Heidi and Spencer are shown in a courtroom legalizing their marriage after eloping in Mexico. Except not really because the whole thing was staged by MTV:

A Los Angeles Superior Court official said Tuesday that MTV was recently granted permission to shoot in a courtroom in Beverly Hills, but it was done after hours — and that’s not one of their judges sitting on the bench in “The Hills” footage.
MTV was granted permission to film “what purported to be a wedding outside of court hours” at the Beverly Hills courthouse, court spokesman Allan Parachini said Tuesday. He did not know who the participants were in the wedding, but Parachini said court officials wanted the filming to be treated as a news event.
The preview for next week’s season finale features a wood-paneled courtroom with the California state seal perched on the wall behind a judge. Civil ceremonies are sometimes performed at the Beverly Hills courthouse, but not in the manner portrayed in the brief preview. If a judge does preside, it is typically in chambers during a break, Parachini said.

Well, that cinches it. Now these two have to fake their own deaths, but there’s only one way to make it look real: Gunshot wounds. Meet me out back! Also, grab a couple beers. Somebody drank all mine. *hic*

Chins McJugs’ mother Darlene is throwing a hissy fit in the pages of Us Weekly and claims Spencer Pratt drugged Heidi which caused her to elope. Darlene gives the marriage six months and, God willing, will turn her anger into premeditated murder:

“He’s manipulative and seems to have power over Heidi,” Darlene Egelhoff, 46, told Us in an exclusive interview from her home in Crested Butte, Colorado the day after Montag, 22, blew off Thanksgiving with her family to stay with Pratt in Cabo San Lucas., the site of her Nov. 20 elopement. “I would like to see a blood test from Mexico. It wouldn’t surprise me if he had her drugged.”
“Spencer has tried to cut everyone out of her life,” Egelhoff tells Us. “I’ve been honest with Heidi, and it’s caused our relationship to decline. I’m more devastated about that than the marriage, because I’m confident the marriage won’t work out.”
“I think Spencer wants to possess Heidi more than marry her.” Adds Egelhoff - who famously fought with Pratt, 25, on The Hills: “God says love your enemies, but I never expected it to be my son-in-law.”

Not ones to miss out on a drop of free press, Heidi and Spencer were, of course, available for comment:

“She should be happy I found someone I love,” the bride tells Us. “Some people go their entire lives without finding that.”
Adds Pratt, who famously calls Egelhoff “Stalker Mom”: “I think her mom needs to take a real fat chill pill and be happy for her daughter.”

Okay, first off, Spencer Pratt should be beaten to death with a manhole cover just for saying his mother-in-law needs to take “a real fat chill pill.” That said, what a giant fucking publicity scam on everybody’s part. Here’s how I know:

1. If you recall, Mommy dearest was involved in one of the Douche Twins shitass photo shoots.
2. She’s giving an interview with Us Weekly who happened to purchase the exclusive rights to the wedding photos.
3. Heidi Montag came out of her vagina.

Am I perpetuating their little ruse by reporting on it? Hell to the fuck no. Because shortly after this post goes live, you guys are going to rip me a new anus for even talking about them thus making these jokers even less employable. Fingers crossed, this will lead to Heidi and Spencer living on the streets where I will then selflessly offer them a blanket covered in smallpox, AIDS and that really itch stuff that irritates your skin. What’s it called again? Right; napalm.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt reportedly eloped in Cabo San Lucas on Thursday November 20. The two exchanged vows, and Spencer, keeping true to his deep spiritual connection with Heidi, bartered his with Perez Hilton for some free publicity:

Heidi, from the moment you came into my life, I knew my life would never be the same without you. You are the light in my life like the sun to the earth! Your loving warmth makes me want to be a better person. Being with you, I feel complete. I’m honored to even be able to call you my wife. You are the most amazing, loving and caring woman on this planet. I will love you forever and always.

Wrapping up this post quickly, I should be honest and admit I bought these two a wedding gift. While taking personal joy in watching their last feeble stunt at relevancy, I couldn’t resist picking up a copy of “Phil Hartman’s Guide to a Successful Marriage.” May it guide Heidi and Spencer on their journey of love, discovery and, God willing, heated arguments with a loaded firearm handy.

Cheers.

Nick Cannon is a giant sack of dumb. Apparently, he agreed not to have sex with Mariah Carey until after they were married which is unbelievably retarded. Nothing like going to your honeymoon suite to find out your wife has a penis, and you didn’t sign a pre-nup. Might as well start writing those alimony checks out to “Frank” and save yourself the rush. The Daily Mirror reports:

But Mariah says hanging on for that two months from when they met in February to when they tied the knot in the Bahamas in April was well worth it.
She adds: “It’s not that we had NO intimacy, we just didn’t have complete intimacy. It’s just me, and my feelings.
“I definitely don’t want to push it on anybody else. But we both have similar beliefs, and I just thought that it would be so much more special if we waited until after we were married. And it was, and it still is.”

Kids, listen up, not having sex before marriage is probably the stupidest idea in the history of man. That’s like not eating your last meal before going to the electric chair because you think they serve lobster tails in the afterlife. NEWSFLASH: They don’t. (But I hear there’s a Long John’s.)

Nick Cannon is a giant sack of dumb. Apparently, he agreed not to have sex with Mariah Carey until after they were married which is unbelievably retarded. Nothing like going to your honeymoon suite to find out your wife has a penis, and you didn’t sign a pre-nup. Might as well start writing those alimony checks out to “Frank” and save yourself the rush. The Daily Mirror reports:

But Mariah says hanging on for that two months from when they met in February to when they tied the knot in the Bahamas in April was well worth it.
She adds: “It’s not that we had NO intimacy, we just didn’t have complete intimacy. It’s just me, and my feelings.
“I definitely don’t want to push it on anybody else. But we both have similar beliefs, and I just thought that it would be so much more special if we waited until after we were married. And it was, and it still is.”

Kids, listen up, not having sex before marriage is probably the stupidest idea in the history of man. That’s like not eating your last meal before going to the electric chair because you think they serve lobster tails in the afterlife. NEWSFLASH: They don’t. (But I hear there’s a Long John’s.)

Nick Cannon is a giant sack of dumb. Apparently, he agreed not to have sex with Mariah Carey until after they were married which is unbelievably retarded. Nothing like going to your honeymoon suite to find out your wife has a penis, and you didn’t sign a pre-nup. Might as well start writing those alimony checks out to “Frank” and save yourself the rush. The Daily Mirror reports:

But Mariah says hanging on for that two months from when they met in February to when they tied the knot in the Bahamas in April was well worth it.
She adds: “It’s not that we had NO intimacy, we just didn’t have complete intimacy. It’s just me, and my feelings.
“I definitely don’t want to push it on anybody else. But we both have similar beliefs, and I just thought that it would be so much more special if we waited until after we were married. And it was, and it still is.”

Kids, listen up, not having sex before marriage is probably the stupidest idea in the history of man. That’s like not eating your last meal before going to the electric chair because you think they serve lobster tails in the afterlife. NEWSFLASH: They don’t. (But I hear there’s a Long John’s.)

George Takei (Star Trek’s Mr. Zulu) wed his longtime partner Brad Altman yesterday at the Japanese American National Museum. The AP reports:

Wedding guests included “Star Trek” stars Walter Koenig and Nichelle Nichols, who served as best man and best lady, Hollywood executives, local and national government officials and the couple’s relatives from around the world.
Keeping with the multicultural theme, guests dined on Asian/Baja Californian fusion cuisine and took home Japanese tea-ceremony treats in boxes printed with the phrase: “May sweet equality live long and prosper.”

What the? No Spock or Shatner? Jesus, this wedding sounds pretty gay. Oh right. Whoops. Man, I’ve put my foot in my mouth this time. Quick, Geekologist, tell me how to smooth things over with your people - and I’m not talking about the geeks. Seriously, I don’t want to end up getting a sassy makeover in sleep. I’m too ruggedly handsome, dammit! KHAN!!

George Takei (Star Trek’s Mr. Sulu) wed his longtime partner Brad Altman yesterday at the Japanese American National Museum. The AP reports:

Wedding guests included “Star Trek” stars Walter Koenig and Nichelle Nichols, who served as best man and best lady, Hollywood executives, local and national government officials and the couple’s relatives from around the world.
Keeping with the multicultural theme, guests dined on Asian/Baja Californian fusion cuisine and took home Japanese tea-ceremony treats in boxes printed with the phrase: “May sweet equality live long and prosper.”

What the? No Spock or Shatner? Jesus, this wedding sounds pretty gay. Oh right. Whoops. Man, I’ve put my foot in my mouth this time. Quick, Geekologist, tell me how to smooth things over with your people - and I’m not talking about the geeks. Seriously, I don’t want to end up getting a sassy makeover in my sleep. I’m too ruggedly handsome, dammit! KHAN!!

Samantha Ronson has announced her plans to marry Lindsay Lohan before New Year’s which explains the engagement ring Lindsay’s been sporting. Here I thought she was a busty jewel thief. Damn. The Sun reports:

Sam used her DJ slot at top LA hotel and night spot Chateau Marmont to announce the news, telling clubbers: “By the end of this year, my love will be Mrs Ronson.”
She added: “Tonight shows the power of a woman – to underestimate that is to underestimate the world.”

What’s all this “power of a woman” talk? Isn’t Samantha Ronson technically the “man” in this relationship? And by technically I mean she has testicles because you know what I don’t underestimate? SCIENCE.

Chris Kattan and his model wife of two months are already throwing in the towel. But, yet, they don’t plan to divorce which would puzzle me if I weren’t too busy trying to figure out where the hell all the real celebrities are hiding today. Us Magazine reports:

After just eight weeks of marriage, Saturday Night Live alum Chris Kattan and his wife, model Sunshine Tutt, have split.
“Separated for the moment. No plans for divorce at this time,” his rep tells Usmagazine.com.

I guess you could say, “The honeymoon is over.” A ha ha ha! But, no, seriously, I’m sure the roofies just wore off. They’ll be fine.

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi made good on their promise to immediately wed once the ban against gay marriage was deemed unconstitutional in California. Somewhere, John McCain just went “Huh? What? I want tapioca.” People reports:

“Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi were married tonight in an intimate ceremony at their home in Los Angeles,” their spokesperson tells PEOPLE exclusively.

Congratulations to Ellen and Portia. I’m a firm believer that everyone, whether you’re born gay, straight or, in my first wife’s case: porpoise, should have the right to make the most retarded decision of your life. I mean, seriously, I still don’t know how she got to keep the house. I should’ve gone for a prenup, but like any man in my shoes, I couldn’t keep my mind off the blowhole. Ultimately, it’s what drove us apart at the end. And, okay, maybe the harpoon gun.

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson might be getting married now that California has lifted the ban on gay marriage. I honestly don’t believe this for a second because then I’d have to admit Lindsay Lohan is a real lesbian. I’ll punch my own mother first. Dammit, Christian Bale, get away from the keyboard. Please, don’t headbutt me! The New Zealand Herald reports:

A source said: “They’ve been keeping the relationship quiet for months and trying to pass each other off as ‘just good friends’. But they’ve decided it isn’t a fling, it’s for life - so they want to make their romance public. Dina is still working on the date of the party but it’s looking like towards the end of the year.”
It is believed the nuptials could take place in November around the same time Lindsay releases her new album Spirit In The Dark. The 22-year-old star has already bought a white Chanel mini-dress for the ceremony, while Samantha - the sister of super-producer Mark Ronson - is toying with the idea of wearing a black suit and top hat.

Talk about an insane publicity stunt just to promote Lindsay’s new album. Seriously, why fake an entire gay wedding when all you gotta do is call Eva Mendes? Her nipples could sell underwear to Britney Spears. Okay, nobody’s that good. But still.

Filed under: Networking

Shockingly enough, the image you see above isn’t as radical as you probably think. Just last year we saw a San Francisco couple profess their inexplicable love for TiVo with a his and her cake arrangement, while another treated guests to a flavorful version of their wedding day playlist. This perky pair, however, decided to create cakes that would visually describe just how they ended up together, complete with on-screen profiles and a crossover cable (or something) with a heart along the way. Gives a whole new meaning to the networking category, now doesn’t it?

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