Chris Kattan and his model wife of two months are already throwing in the towel. But, yet, they don’t plan to divorce which would puzzle me if I weren’t too busy trying to figure out where the hell all the real celebrities are hiding today. Us Magazine reports:

After just eight weeks of marriage, Saturday Night Live alum Chris Kattan and his wife, model Sunshine Tutt, have split.
“Separated for the moment. No plans for divorce at this time,” his rep tells Usmagazine.com.

I guess you could say, “The honeymoon is over.” A ha ha ha! But, no, seriously, I’m sure the roofies just wore off. They’ll be fine.

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi made good on their promise to immediately wed once the ban against gay marriage was deemed unconstitutional in California. Somewhere, John McCain just went “Huh? What? I want tapioca.” People reports:

“Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi were married tonight in an intimate ceremony at their home in Los Angeles,” their spokesperson tells PEOPLE exclusively.

Congratulations to Ellen and Portia. I’m a firm believer that everyone, whether you’re born gay, straight or, in my first wife’s case: porpoise, should have the right to make the most retarded decision of your life. I mean, seriously, I still don’t know how she got to keep the house. I should’ve gone for a prenup, but like any man in my shoes, I couldn’t keep my mind off the blowhole. Ultimately, it’s what drove us apart at the end. And, okay, maybe the harpoon gun.

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson might be getting married now that California has lifted the ban on gay marriage. I honestly don’t believe this for a second because then I’d have to admit Lindsay Lohan is a real lesbian. I’ll punch my own mother first. Dammit, Christian Bale, get away from the keyboard. Please, don’t headbutt me! The New Zealand Herald reports:

A source said: “They’ve been keeping the relationship quiet for months and trying to pass each other off as ‘just good friends’. But they’ve decided it isn’t a fling, it’s for life - so they want to make their romance public. Dina is still working on the date of the party but it’s looking like towards the end of the year.”
It is believed the nuptials could take place in November around the same time Lindsay releases her new album Spirit In The Dark. The 22-year-old star has already bought a white Chanel mini-dress for the ceremony, while Samantha - the sister of super-producer Mark Ronson - is toying with the idea of wearing a black suit and top hat.

Talk about an insane publicity stunt just to promote Lindsay’s new album. Seriously, why fake an entire gay wedding when all you gotta do is call Eva Mendes? Her nipples could sell underwear to Britney Spears. Okay, nobody’s that good. But still.

Filed under: Networking

Shockingly enough, the image you see above isn’t as radical as you probably think. Just last year we saw a San Francisco couple profess their inexplicable love for TiVo with a his and her cake arrangement, while another treated guests to a flavorful version of their wedding day playlist. This perky pair, however, decided to create cakes that would visually describe just how they ended up together, complete with on-screen profiles and a crossover cable (or something) with a heart along the way. Gives a whole new meaning to the networking category, now doesn’t it?

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Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller (above on their honeymoon) wed over the weekend and Charlie’s calling this his “first real marriage.” He spoke to OK! Magazine and said he’s done talking about Denise Richards - forever. Then, naturally, he spent the next hour bitching about her. For your reading pleasure, the rantings of Charlie Sheen:

He also has made a promise to himself, never to utter Richards’ name in public again. It’s a lesson he admits has taken a long time to learn.
“I’m so tired of talking about her and all her shenanigans,” he said. “It is what it is. I don’t even care anymore. I’m going to take a stand to basically never utter her name publicly again, and I think if that’s known, it will put an end to some of the drama.
“I think it’s no accident that whats-her-face chose this time to do what she did. It’s pretty obvious that Brooke and I, through our actions and union, are moving on with our lives. Perhaps somebody else should consider the same.”

How the hell does Charlie Sheen keep getting women? Are chicks into dudes who love porn, always talk about their ex and throw tantrums about the government controlling us with antibiotics? Because, please, someone tell me before I waste another dollar at the Olive Garden. I could be saving precious cash watching porn at home with Miss Right while wearing a tin-foil hat. It’d be like I was living The Bible almost.

Ashlee Simpson is officially Ashlee Wentz. In a move destined to doom her even further into obscurity than her music career already has, Ashlee felt it wise to take on the name of her new husband - seen here with a plate over his face. He did get my letters! People reports:

Pete Wentz says he left the name change decision to his wife. “These decisions with Ashlee and her name are all completely up to Ashlee,” Wentz says. “I want her to do these kinds of things the way she wants to do them.”
Still, he admits, he was flattered. “Oh man, I was like upgrade me! You know what I’m saying? The Wentz family, our Christmas card just got upgraded!” he says. “It feels insane. It feels unreal.”

For those of you unable to zoom in, or with poor vision, Pete’s paper plate mask reads “Your ad could be here. E-mail Jon@Douchebag.com.” When I read something like that and hear Pete say “Upgrade me!,” I can’t help but feel overjoyed that these two reproduced. (Side note: I express joy through punching. Vigorous punching.) Now where’s the happy couple? I’ve got some brass joy I can’t wait to share with them. Ha ha! So happy!

Joe Simpson is a friggin’ genius. Not only does he sell photo rights of his daughter’s wedding to People, but also of Jessica Simpson drunk as shit at the reception - which makes the cover. Awww. Ashlee’s wedding really was a magical princess fairy tale dream come true. For Joe Simpson. Except that part where his little girl married some asshat, whats-his-name? Right, Chins Magoo.

Joe Simpson is a friggin’ genius. Not only does he sell photo rights of his daughter’s wedding to People, but also of Jessica Simpson drunk as shit at the reception - which makes the cover. Awww. Ashlee’s wedding really was a magical princess fairy tale dream come true. For Joe Simpson. Except that part where his little girl married some asshat, whats-his-name? Right, Chins Magoo.

Jessica Alba’s own brother, Josh Alba, didn’t even know his sister got married. In fact, he seemed quite stunned he even had a sister. That’s odd. If Jessica Alba were my sister, I’d be more stunned by how often I drilled a hole in the shower wall respected the boundaries and social mores of the time. Us Weekly reports:

“My sister!? I’m going to have to call her!” Josh Alba said when Us Weekly alerted him to the news Tuesday.
When asked if Warren will make a good husband, Josh told Us “Well, he’s my brother in law now!”

Us Weekly, you guys are aces. Way to A.) tell a man he’s not invited to his own sister’s wedding while B.) essentially calling his new brother in law a dick. I mean, couldn’t you at least slipped it in there that Jessica Alba has the acting ability of a bowl of soup? Yeesh. Talk about sloppy reporting.

Jessica Alba’s own brother, Josh Alba, didn’t even know his sister got married. In fact, he seemed quite stunned he even had a sister. That’s odd. If Jessica Alba were my sister, I’d be more stunned by how often I drilled a hole in the shower wall respected the boundaries and social mores of the time. Us Weekly reports:

“My sister!? I’m going to have to call her!” Josh Alba said when Us Weekly alerted him to the news Tuesday.
When asked if Warren will make a good husband, Josh told Us “Well, he’s my brother in law now!”

Us Weekly, you guys are aces. Way to A.) tell a man he’s not invited to his own sister’s wedding while B.) essentially calling his new brother in law a dick. I mean, couldn’t you at least slipped it in there that Jessica Alba has the acting ability of a bowl of soup? Yeesh. Talk about sloppy reporting.

Jessica Alba and Cash Warren apparently were married yesterday, according to People:

The couple quietly wed Monday, says her rep, Brad Cafarelli.
Alba, 27, is expecting a daughter with Warren, 31, this summer. The couple met while filming Fantastic Four and were engaged last December.

Quietly wed, huh? So does that mean no one talks through the whole service? Because that I like. And, shit, why stop there? How about no talking for the entire marriage? It’ll be a relationship built on love and head gestures. But sometimes crying when I specifically nodded for mustard and not mayo. C’mon!

The Superficial silently congratulates the happy couple.

Well, it’s official: Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz tied the knot. I didn’t really think this counted as news until I found out Jessica Simpson was involved AND brought Tony Romo as her date despite reports he banged half of Chicago. Now that’s love. Anyway, People has the nuptial details complete with baby rumors:

Simpson, 23, wore an ivory lace wedding gown by Monique Lhuillier and jewels by William Noble as she and Wentz, 28, exchanged vows in front of 150 guests at her parents’ Los Angeles area home.
Dad Joe Simpson performed the non-denominational ceremony, while sister Jessica served as maid of honor. Wentz’s English bulldog, Hemingway, was the ring-bearer. Guests included Jessica’s boyfriend, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden, as well as actor Donald Faison with girlfriend CaCee Cobb.
Simpson, who sources say is pregnant with the couple’s first child, and Wentz, the bassist for Fall Out Boy, have been linked since the fall of 2006, when they were spotted kissing at a New York nightclub. They announced their engagement last month.

Being the selfless, loving father that he is, Joe Simpson sold the photo rights to Ashlee and Pete’s wedding, so, since we can’t see any yet, I included shots that’ll help us pretend we’re there - which I’m totally doing. Yup, I can see it now: The happy couple are exchanging hand-written vows at the altar while I sit quietly in my pew ogling Jessica Simpson’s breasts. And, aww, Tony Romo saw me and is getting ready to Hail Mary the ring bearer at my face. *sniff* I love weddings.

EDIT: Added pics of Tony and Jessica arriving together. Is it me or is she burping in these photos? God, she’s perfect…

Pete Wentz (full name Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz III, I shit you not) had a bachelor party thrown for him last night with his dad (pink shirt) and future father-in-law Joe Simpson. No doubt, Pete’s father did backflips when he learned Pete was marrying a girl then immediately stormed down to the VFW and punched out everyone that ever mocked him. Even though he never served in the military and typically drinks at Applebee’s. Anyway, I can just picture the words of excitement coming out of Pete’s mouth during this momentous occasion of male-bonding:

“Oh, lookee, father! A stripper establishment. Goody-gum-drops. I do so hope we can put dollar bills into their panties. Oh, can we, father? I’d be the happiest boy in the world! I would, I would.”

But, no, seriously. Congratulations, Pete, and if I ever see you, I’ll hit you in the face with your own neon-blue-laced hightops. Cheers!

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi are taking immediate advantage of the California Supreme Court ruling that struck down the ban on gay marriage. The two plan to wed according to a spy for TMZ who was on the set for the latest episode of Ellen that will air today:

She surprised everyone and announced that she was going to tie the knot with longtime girlfriend, actress Portia de Rossi. Portia was in the crowd and after she made the announcement, the studio audience went wild, giving the two a huge standing O.

To some people, this news is a triumph for civil liberties. To others (*cough*thesouth*cough*), this is worse than 9/11. To me, however, this is just confusing. I mean, who makes the sandwiches? Do they flip a coin or something? I want to say Ellen is the “man,” but then again Portia looks like she could throw some elbows. But those elbows could do some wicked ironing. God, this is tough. Superficial Writer frustrated! Superficial Writer lie on floor of men’s room. Superficial Writer hash this thing out.

UPDATE: Superficial Writer caught Geekologie Writer no wash hands.

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon rented out Six Flags Magic Mountain last night for a post-wedding bash. Hip Hollywood has the exclusive details and photos of cupcakes. I, on the other hand, am quoting their site and posting an airbrushed pic of Mariah in a bikini from the new Vibe. I WIN! And now on to the party:

Cannon shut down the park, at a cost in the mid-six figure range, so that he and Mariah could party with 100 friends and family. Nick had the park decorated in pink and purple balloons with Carey’s signature butterflies also a fixture. Mariah’s album was playing throughout the park the entire evening, and each guest received a pink or red Superman cape as a gift.
The couple arrived a little after 8PM, greeted friends, then headed straight to the parks’ flying rollercoaster, Tatsu. On the way Nick shot baskets with his buddies as his wife cheered him on. After a wild ride, the couple wanted to go again, but instead headed to the reception to greet guests. At
the reception, they milled about with friends and family, all the while, holding hands and embracing in between conversations.

Okay, going to weddings is boring enough. But how lame must it be to have to watch your newly married friends ride roller coasters? Oh, wow, look at them move around the track and stuff. Whee. Is there a whiskey fountain at this thing? Or, shit, how about heroin? Is there a junkie in the park? Junkie! Looking for a junkie!

I get a ton, no, make that a space ton, of e-mails from publicists trying to get me to shill their client/wares. Well, this time around, one particular publicist knew how to push my buttons: By sending a pic of Nick Cannon with a Limited Edition Grand Theft Auto IV Xbox 360 System. Here’s the details from Chrystina at Edelman that illustrate why I’m tempted to hide behind Mariah’s oxygen bed chamber and attack Nick in his sleep:

Only 500 of the systems were made throughout the United States and Europe and Nick Cannon (along with Ice Cube and Pharrell Williams) was lucky enough to receive one. Yup, Mariah Carey’s new hubby is a gamer and Xbox 360 is system of choice.

Of course, if marrying Mariah Carey is what it takes to score such a sexy system, I’ll pass. I love video games more than I could ever love my own offspring (See? Suing me for child support won’t win my love, kids.), but marriage is a high price to pay. Unless they threw in a kegorator.

Special thanks to Chrystina. If I married you, how many of these could you get? Enough to build a life-size Xbox woman that would make me waffles after our inevitable divorce? If so, I’m already on my knee. That’s right. This hunk of romance is all yours, baby….

First, sorry for two Ashlee Simpson ’s post in a row. Totally unplanned. Please, don’t kill me. Anyway, Ashlee and Pete Wentz are reportedly walking down the aisle next week! Somebody apparently whipped out the shotgun and my money’s on Joe Simpson. And, no, not for his daughter’s honor. Ha ha. That’s rich. Seriously, you should be writing this instead of me. Hollyscoop reports:

A source close to the couple has told Hollyscoop exclusively, “The wedding invitations have been sent out, its taking place the weekend of May 16. The location will not be revealed until the day of the wedding but guests are told it will be an hour drive from Los Angeles.”
Our source also confirmed that Ashlee is 100% pregnant. Papa Joe is probably busy selling off the wedding info and pictures as we speak so expect to see it in the tabloids Memorial weekend.

Joe Simpson is probably the coolest dad in the world. Not only does he sell the photo rights to his daughter’s unborn child but to her shotgun wedding as well. This is almost better than the gift he got Ashlee for her Sweet 16. Which was a boob job for her sister Jessica. God, that’s sweet. *sniff* And my own father wouldn’t even play catch with me… I can’t help it I’ve got flippers for arms!

Gary Coleman and his bride took their carnival act onto The Tyra Banks Show yesterday where conveniently comedian Steve Harvey was co-hosting. Tyra quizzed the new Mrs. Coleman about being with Gary, his virginal status and their age difference: she’s 22, he’s 40. You start to get the impression this chick just wants a whole bunch of attention. I’m, of course, talking about Tyra. For those of you who can’t watch the video, around the six minute mark she eats Gary Coleman then flies off-stage wearing a jetpack. True story.

Thanks to Trendy for the clip who knows what you’re talking ’bout, Willis.

Filed under: Gaming, Handhelds

Although this is far from being the weirdest union (or proposal, for that matter) we’ve ever seen, Xanga user p3ng decided to throw tradition to the wind (at least momentarily) when proposing to his now-fiancée. Put simply, he built a custom version of Bejeweled (the lady’s favorite game in the whole wide world) in which a pixelated engagement ring scrolled onto the screen once a certain score was hit. Needless to say, his awestruck girlfriend could barely contain her excitement as she uttered “yes,” and we absolutely expect the Guitar Zeros to be the house band at the forthcoming reception.

[Via DSFanboy]

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Filed under: Cellphones

digg_url = ‘http://digg.com/apple/iPhone_marriage_proposal’; Maybe we just turn a bit sentimental during the holiday season, but damn it, we’ll admit to getting a little choked up over reader Claude M’s well-planned, uber-geeky proposal to his girlfriend — even if his method of choice did happen to employ the totally overexposed iPhone. Being the romantic fellow that he is, Claude spent what must have been numerous hours producing a video proposal in the style of those ubiquitous commercials — as you can see after the break — and then screened it for his sweetheart (probably on his or her you-know-what) while they were strolling around the area where they’d first met in college. We’d like to congratulate the happy couple — she said yes, duh — and encourage them to race over to our Christmas contest post, where they have decent odds of scoring a pair of round trip tickets for the honeymoon.

Continue reading iPhone marriage proposal warms even the cynical heart

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