Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen signed copies of their new book Influence yesterday at the Union Square Barnes & Noble in New York City yesterday. The twins had a strict set of rules for the event that basically entails them sitting at a table like mute Muppets who can’t believe they agreed to this. Here’s the entire set of guidelines via Racked.com:

1) Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen will be with us for a limited time. They will only be signing copies of their book, Influence. They will not be speaking, reading or taking questions.
2) Mary-Kate Olsen and Ashley Olsen will NOT sign any memorabilia or product other than Influence. There is a limit of one book per person, and your one book must be purchased here.
3) You will be directed to pay for your book upon entering the store and will be given a receipt for your purchase. Please keep your receipt. You will receive your book at the signing table.
4) Along with your receipt, you will be given a B&N wristband, and then directed to the event space on the 4th floor. You must have a receipt and a wristband to access the 4th floor.
5) Anyone approaching the signing table must have paid for the book and be wearing a B&N wristband. One person, one wristband, one book.
6) You will collect your signed book at the signing table. If you have paid for any additional copies, a staff member will provide you with those before you exit the space.
7) There is no photography allowed. You must put away your camera or cell phone before approaching the signing table. The authors will not pose for photos.
If you leave, or the authors leave, before you are able to collect a signed book, you may present your receipt to a cashier for either an unsigned book or a refund. (Refunds only issued within 14 days of receipt.)
9) There will be no extra signed copies available after the authors leave the store. They will not be able to sign for anyone who is not on line. No pre-orders.

Since Mary-Kate and Ashley weren’t doing a Q&A, I decided to skip the event and figured I’d post my questions for them to get back to me at a later date. Here goes:

1. Do you ever pull that trick where you take the glass out of a mirror and pretend you’re the other one’s reflection - then punch her in the face?
2. Not counting John Stamos, has anyone ever called one of you “Michelle” in the heat of passion forcing you to shriek like a vampire bat and fly into the night?
3. What was it like murdering Heath Ledger, and on a scale from one to 10, what’d you think of The Dark Knight?

Looking forward to your answers. Cheers!

Mary-Kate Olsen is free to murder another young actor in his prime. (Please be Dane Cook. Please be Dane Cook. Please be Dane Cook.) Federal prosecutors have decided not to pursue a criminal case regarding Heath Ledger’s acquisition of prescription painkillers and sleeping pills, according to the AP:

Prosecutors in the U.S. attorney’s office in Manhattan had been overseeing a Drug Enforcement Administration probe into whether the painkillers found in Ledger’s system were obtained illegally. But the prosecutors have bowed out “because they don’t believe there’s a viable target,” said the official, who spoke on condition of anonymity because no charges have been filed.

And by “they don’t believe there’s a viable target” they obviously mean “Candace Cameron’s decapitated head arrived in a box this morning.”

Mary-Kate’s lawyer took to the press yesterday after a story ran in the New York Post claiming Mary-Kate Olsen is seeking immunity from prosecution before speaking to the DEA about Heath Ledger’s accidental overdose. The AP reports:

“We have provided the government with relevant information including facts in the chronology of events surrounding Mr. Ledger’s death,” Miller said in a statement Monday, “and the fact that Ms. Olsen does not know the source of the drugs Mr. Ledger consumed.”

The Associated Press has spoken to an official within the DEA who can confirm the reports that Mary-Kate’s lawyer is indeed angling for immunity and refusing to cooperate:

The official confirmed a report that Olsen wants a promise of immunity from prosecution before speaking to the Drug Enforcement Administration. Olsen was a close friend of Ledger’s, and was the first person called by a masseuse who found the 28-year-old “Dark Knight” actor’s lifeless body in his Manhattan apartment.
Authorities have obtained a subpoena that could force Olsen to appear before a grand jury if negotiations with her lawyer fail, the official said.

Okay, let’s cut to the chase: So, maybe Mary-Kate Olsen provided Heath Ledger with the drugs and left a note saying “Take 20 and call me in the morning.” That doesn’t mean she necessarily “killed” him, I think - maybe. Who knows? I’m not very good at this lawyer stuff. But, I do know a half vampire bat when I see one, and how do you convict a member of the animal kingdom? Answer: You don’t. That’s double jeopardy, my friends. I rest my case and object stuff.

Mary-Kate Olsen is refusing to be interviewed by federal investigators about Heath Ledger’s accidental overdose until she’s granted immunity from prosecution. This latest move proves what I’ve always feared: Pauly Shore knew something relevant when he claimed the Olsen twins are diabolical. May God have mercy on us all. The New York Post reports:

The actress’ lawyer has repeatedly rebuffed attempts by the feds to question Olsen, who was the first person called after her masseuse discovered Ledger’s body in his SoHo apartment in January.
Frustrated federal officials could obtain a grand-jury subpoena to compel the funky “Full House” actress to tell them whatever she knows about the “Dark Knight” star’s behavior, his possible drug use and the events of that fateful morning, according to sources.
Probers have interviewed everyone connected to Ledger and his death, including his doctors, the masseuse, bodyguards, housekeepers, business associates and even the mother of his 2-year-old daughter, Matilda, his “Brokeback Mountain” co-star Michelle Williams.
“Ms. Williams was extremely nice and cooperative,” a source said.

And by nice and cooperative, the source meant Michelle Williams grabbed an FBI agent by the collar and yelled “It was Mary-Kate Olsen, you sonofabitch! I’ll have your badge for breakfast.” But no one ever suspects the Olsen twins - until it’s too late. I’m serious. They’re still looking for Bob Saget’s body.

EDIT: Turns out Bob Saget is still alive. I’m as shocked as you are.

Thanks to Liz who won’t watch Full House without the lights on and a priest handy.

Paris Hilton thought up a TV show that will undoubtedly make me pay random strangers to throw an axe at my face. It’s basically The View but hosted by famous celebrities who will address such topics as the paparazzi, career management and, most importantly, girl talk! At last, a show that tackles battling herpes while finding the perfect purse. Never stop dreaming, folks. The Chicago Sun Times reports:

Just imagine Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, Tori Spelling — as well as [Denise] Richards, Hilton and her former ”The Simple Life” co-star, Nicole Richie — together in one big two-hour special sharing ”their side” of what it’s like to be them.
That concept alone reportedly has intrigued a couple of cable channels initially contacted about the concept: Bravo and Lifetime.

In the future, historians wearing jet packs will point to this show’s inception as the apex of civilization’s decline. But then they’ll find themselves addicted to the catty chatter ultimately dooming their own space-age utopia. Don’t believe me? Just spend a good 30 seconds imagining Britney Spears’ commentary on, shit, anything. If within the first 10 you don’t shove your face in the oven, congratulations, you’re a robot. Now fix me a drink, tinny!

Somebody, somewhere on the Interwebs decided to do some research (?) into the whole Mary-Kate Olsen/Spencer Pratt feud which apparently started back in high school. In a 2007 Details article, Spencer brags about selling a picture of an underage Mary-Kate drinking at a party for $50,000. On top of of that, he also dishes out his blatant attempts to leech the everliving fuck out of the celebrity world even if it requires having sex with Heidi on video:

On getting Brody to date Nicole Richie:
“All right, then here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna start dating Nicole Richie. And you’re gonna get that skinny bitch to eat, all right? You are about to become The Guy Who Got Nicole Richie to Eat. Process that shit, bro. You’ll be, like, a fucking hero to America.

On being famous
“What does it take to be famous nowadays? Nothing! Look at Nicole. She’s on the cover of every magazine every week. And why? Because she doesn’t eat. Well, lots of girls in this country don’t eat. That’s, like, my whole philosophy with Brody—make him part of that.”

On starting his own sex tape scandal:
Pratt spends 20 minutes talking about how he plans to make a tape of himself and Heidi Montag having sex, which he’s thinking about posting online.

On Kevin Connolly of HBO’s Entourage:
“That guy is a joke,” Pratt says with scorn. “We were Entourage before Entourage.” He’s not joking. To Pratt, the notion that someone would become famous by acting is ridiculous. “Why would anyone act,” he asks, “when they can just play themselves?”

Dear Hollywood,

I know you’re reading this because you can’t get enough awesome. Don’t worry; your secret’s safe. In return for my silence, I’m calling in a favor. The next time Spencer Pratt comes to your office with some sort of asscockian pitch, I want you to throw a bucket of AIDS in his face. Nothing fancy. Just a bucket of AIDS. If you don’t have a bucket of AIDS or recently threw one at a member of the Hogan family, I’d be glad to provide you with another one - free of charge.

Together we can make a difference.

The Superficial Writer.

Spencer Pratt has responded back to comments made about him on Letterman by Mary-Kate Olsen. I’m sure when he got the call he squealed “OMG! Me me me!” Then he pushed Heidi Montag in a puddle and kicked a puppy. I have sources. Anyway, here’s what Captain Oily of Anal Brigade said to Us Magazine:

“I don’t really get why she’d use my name to get press for her little indie film that no one’s going to see,” he told Usmagazine.com Friday. “She should probably focus more on not getting dressed in the dark than on me.
“I know I’ve made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman. I forgive her, though. She’s had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough.”

Okay, first off, Mary-Kate doesn’t need Spencer for publicity. Heath Ledger covered that check. Second, who the hell is Spencer Pratt to call out an Olsen twin? Those two had a billion dollar video franchise before they realized they hate solid foods but love opiates. What has Spencer done? Besides being the boy who wished hard enough for his sister’s Barbie doll to come to life. Horrible, vapid, man, he should’ve wished for G.I. Joe instead life.

Mary-Kate Olsen stopped by Letterman last night to promote her new film The Wackness where she talked about spending her 22nd birthday at Bonnaroo, making out with Ben Kinglsey and not wanting her kids to be child actors. She then brought up going to high school with Spencer Pratt who Dave mentioned is a little “wormy.” I guess that’s showbiz talk for “epic assclown.” Good to know:

Mary-Kate: He does not have a good temper. He walked out of a few games. He would walk off the field. He was like, ‘Me or the coach!’
Dave: Were you friends with the guy at the time?
Mary-Kate: No.
Dave: Because I’m surprised about the soccer. Because looking at the guy, he looks like a guy that has never broken a sweat, I would guess.
Mary-Kate: Oh, my God — that brings up stories! I don’t know if I should talk about it.
Dave: No, c’mon, let’s hear one. Let’s go.
Mary-Kate: [laughs] The Wackness is a great film.
Dave: What I don’t understand is how does a kid that age, and he’s only in his 20s or maybe even your age, how does a kid like that get to be so oily?
Mary-Kate: It’s a mystery to me.

While I’m not surprised that Spencer Pratt is universally looked upon as Hollywood’s shit stain, I’m extremely amazed at how normal Mary-Kate Olsen appears. For once she doesn’t look like Yoda on heroin and is actually speaking to other humans. I always figured Mary-Kate communicated via an intricate series of wrist flaps and lip pouting. But real words? Honestly, who saw that coming?

Video after the jump.

Mary-Kate Olsen has moved on in a matter of weeks from her, what Star is calling, “secret boyfriend” the late Heath Ledger to Italian billionaire/drug connoisseur Lapo Elkann:

While in Paris for Fashion Week, MK flirted with Lapo, the heir to the $7.3 billion Fiat auto dynasty, who overdosed on cocaine and heroin at the home of a transsexual in 2005. Lapo, who now claims he has found sobriety through AA meetings in NYC, clung to life for three days in a coma before recovering.
“Mary-Kate and Lapo seemed very cozy” while sitting next to each other at the Giambattista Valli fashion show on Feb. 28, says a source.

Oh yeah, this guy’s dead. But at least he’ll get to meet Heath Ledger and exchange war stories about having sex with a coke-fueled monkey-woman. Should be fun. What? You can’t tell me Mary-Kate doesn’t swing from the ceiling by her tail. That’s just science.

Hugh Hefner wants the Olsen twins to pose nude for Playboy. Looking at these pictures from God knows when, (Are those two ever together anymore?) I’m now thoroughly convinced that old Hugh is blind as hell. Star has the details:

After striking out when the twins turned 18, Hugh tried again, hoping they would pose for Playboy’s June issue to mark their 22nd birthday.
“Hef thinks the twins are every young man’s fantasy,” an insider tells Star.

Yes, the Olsen twins really are every young man’s fantasy. You’ve truly got your finger on the pulse of today’s youth, Hugh Hefner. There’s nothing my generation wants to do more than open up an issue of Playboy and immediately want to masturbate with a cheese grater. I mean, seriously? Who spilled the beans?

Thanks to Paul for the tip who, thankfully, doesn’t have a wombat twin.

The masseuse who discovered Heath Ledger’s body called Mary-Kate Olsen instead of 911 using the speed dial on Heath’s cell phone, the AP reports:

A day before a Friday private viewing for the 28-year-old actor, police said the masseuse spent nine minutes repeatedly ringing “Full House” actress Mary-Kate Olsen before calling authorities for help.
The masseuse called Olsen a fourth time after paramedics arrived — at the same time as Olsen’s security guards.

To be fair, I also call an Olsen twin in an emergency. Mostly on the off chance they’re hanging out with Dave “Uncle Joey” Coulier. Something about a gratuitous Pop-eye impression evens me right out. One time he even asked if I “got any wood.” I laughed and was like, “Oh, awesome, Mr. Woodchuck. Classic.” Then he awkwardly laughed and said, “Uh, yeah, right the, uh, woodchuck. Gotta go.” Comedy gold.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen’s use of fur has severely pissed off PETA. Today they launched a new website named by, I’m guessing, an 8-year-old. It’s called “Meet the Trollsen’s,” and it lays out the animal lovers hatred for the stick-figured ones:

Some say that Hairy-Kate and Trashley are guilty of offending their fans with some major fashion boo-boos, but here at peta2, we think that’s the understatement of the year! The twins’ heartless decision to wear fur and include it in their new fashion line, The Row (more like “Death Row”), is worse than a fashion no-no—it’s cruelty to animals. The Trollsens have ignored our pleas to stop wearing fur—and have since added horribly ugly fur items to their new clothing line.

The above video answers “yes” to the age-old question of “Can Full House become even more unwatchable?” If you didn’t know who Futureman was before, get ready to earnestly wish you still didn’t. Now excuse me while I write a letter to PETA demanding they stick to ads featuring nude celebrity asses or else I start picking off manatees.

Mary-Kate Olsen was hospitalized with a kidney infection yesterday. She went to the emergency room of a New York hospital where she was admitted. Her people say she’s doing fine and will recover soon, according to People:

“Mary-Kate got a kidney infection,” says rep Nicole Caruso. “She’s resting comfortably and will be released in the next day or so.”

During the winter months, do the Olsen twins hire somebody to catch them in case it’s a windy day? Because, honestly, I don’t see how people are safely walking around the streets of New York this time of year with these two on the loose. Aw, crap, there’s something in my eye. Dammit, it’s an Olsen twin again. Does anyone have a rock I can weigh her down with? This is getting ridiculous. Shit, I lost her! Alright, who’s the genius that exhaled?

When I first looked at this picture, I thought, oh, hey, awesome Master Yoda. Maybe he’ll do some crazy lightsaber attacks or something. But then I looked closely, and, man, it’s Mary-Kate Olsen. That’s like meeting a hot girl and having her promise you an evening of “lots of naked stuff.” Only you get her home, turn on the lights, and holy shit, it’s Tara Reid – with her shirt off. Why does the left one look like that – oh, dude, your stomach. Put your shirt back on. Please. I have a very full stomach and a heart condition.