Miley Cyrus and her father Billy Ray Cyrus have figured out the real money’s in focusing on Miley’s singing career and bailing on Disney. In a move that could only be cultivated in a trailer full of meth, Miley and Billy Ray are now trying to get fired from the insanely lucrative Hannah Montana show and have started showing up late, holding up production and generally pissing off the crew, according to TMZ:

Emily Osment, who plays Lilly Truscott, used to be extremely tight with Miley. Now we’re told Emily is so bitter she literally turns away from Miley after each scene. We’re told Emily’s dad got in a screaming match with Billy Ray, complaining he and Miley were unprofessional.
Sources tell us Billy Ray has told people on the set that he and Miley will do twelve more episodes and then they are out. Disney was so pissed they called his agent, railing that Billy Ray and Miley were ingrates. Disney insisted that Billy Ray and Miley not only finish the twenty-four episode season — but Disney was adding six more episodes.

Good. Real smart career move. I think I speak for everyone when I say I hope I never see this buck-toothed little trollop and her boyfriend’s package again. I mean, not that I’ve looked at it or anything. Even when I sent everybody home early and said I’d lock up for the night, I didn’t look at Justin Gaston’s package while sitting at the Geekologist’s desk. Nope, never happened. And, if you don’t believe me, feel free to check the security tapes I completely erased then ran over with my car.

These are shots of Miley Cyrus’ new devout Christian boyfriend Justin Gaston who, hey, what do you know? Happens to be an underwear model. I’m not really sure if Jesus is all about displaying the banana hammock, but I am sure I just locked down the Catholic priest demographic. Greetings, padres! Which one of you wants to bless my site traf- - Shit, they ran off. I blame Shauna Sand’s vagina.

NOTE: And, ladies, you’re welcome.

Miley Cyrus and her new 20-year-old boyfriend Justin Gaston were, brace yourselves, touching during church. Holy freaking shit! That sound you just heard was the entire Bible Belt putting down their Sarah Palin signs to start a Hannah Montana bonfire. Pfoosh! OK! Magazine has the details:

“Miley and Justin were really playful with each other,” an eyewitness at the evangelical church tells OK!. “And for being with her parents, they were extremely touchy-feely. Miley had her hands on Justin’s stomach. They definitely seemed like a couple. Her parents, Billy Ray and Tish, really gave them space.”

Of course, the real issue here is why was this churchgoer looking at Miley Cyrus instead of focusing on the sermon? Huh? Ignore the word of God much? I hope you enjoy burning the in the fiery pits of Hell for all eternity while getting eaten by worms, sinner-face! Oh yeah, and also, Jesus loves you*.

*Love of Christ not transferable to the gays, women who read, small children in oil producing countries and, by overwhelming request, Spencer Pratt. The Church: Hey, we’re not all bad.

Miley Cyrus and her new 20-year-old boyfriend Justin Gaston were, brace yourselves, touching during church. Holy freaking shit! That sound you just heard was the entire Bible Belt putting down their Sarah Palin signs to start a Hannah Montana bonfire. Pfoosh! OK! Magazine has the details:

“Miley and Justin were really playful with each other,” an eyewitness at the evangelical church tells OK!. “And for being with her parents, they were extremely touchy-feely. Miley had her hands on Justin’s stomach. They definitely seemed like a couple. Her parents, Billy Ray and Tish, really gave them space.”

Of course, the real issue here is why was this churchgoer looking at Miley Cyrus instead of focusing on the sermon? Huh? Ignore the word of God much? I hope you enjoy burning the in the fiery pits of Hell for all eternity while getting eaten by worms, sinner-face! Oh yeah, and also, Jesus loves you*.

*Love of Christ not transferable to the gays, women who read, small children in oil producing countries and, by overwhelming request, Spencer Pratt. The Church: Hey, we’re not all bad.

Billy Ray Cyrus is surprisingly relaxed about 15-year-old Miley Cyrus dating 20-year-old Justin Gaston. Justin is a model and aspiring country singer who met Miley when he competed on Nashville Star. He accompanied the Cyrus’ to church on Sunday (above), according to People:

A source close to Miley says, “They’ve been spending a lot of time together while he’s in town.”
The Pinesville, La., native has modeled for Kenneth Cole and Guess, and before he was eliminated in week three of Nashville Star he told PEOPLE of his music, “My style isn’t like anyone else. If John Mayer was to meet Brad Paisley and they reproduced, that would be me.”

If John Mayer and Brad Paisley reproduce? You mean when. Anyway, isn’t it, I dunno, illegal, not to mention weird, for a guy who’s almost 21 to be with a 15-year-old girl. But, oh, wait, they’re going to church. My mistake, everyone, they’ll be good. Back me up, Bristol Palin.

After the infamous Slightly Exposed Back-gate, formerly-exiled Miley Cyrus has been welcomed back into the Disney fold. They missed their little cash cow who lays golden Faberge eggs in a diamond bucket. So much so that they’re allowing Miley to hold her 16th birthday party in public at Disneyland, according to Entertainment Tonight:

The “Hannah Montana” star is also sharing the spotlight during the private party with some deserving young people from Youth Service America who’ve been making a difference in their communities.
And ET has learned that Miley’s fans are going to be able to join in the fun too! A limited number of $250 tickets to the exclusive event, “Miley’s Sweet 16 — Share the Celebration,” go on sale on August 30 at 9am PDT.

So, essentially, Miley Cyrus has to work on her Sweet 16. Adorable. Goddammit, Disney, this is exactly the kind of thing that ends in me seeing crazy Southern vagina. I still sleep with the lights on from the last ti- AH! What was that? Phew, it’s just a McMuffin. I’m safe. I’m in a happy place. Breathe deep; happy place…

Miley Cyrus would be the perfect spokesperson for safe sex if LifeStyles condoms had their way. As a fan of neither product, I really don’t have an opinion on the matter. Except I do and it’s after the quote. What is this? Your first day? NY Daily News reports:

“Pop culture proves that teens are more ready than ever to disuss the subject of sex,” said Carol Carrozza, VP of marketing for LifeStyles. “With recent reports showing that one out of four teenage girls has an STD and the high level of teenage pregnancy, we believe that Miley is both influential and relatable to this afflicted set - and is the obvious choice to get the message of safe sex out to teens across America.”
A rep for Cyrus says the teen has not been approached with the company’s offer yet, but that it is something her and her camp would never consider.

Perhaps LifeStyles should’ve done a better job during their marketing research. Miley Cyrus is part of the crowd that believes teaching kids about birth control makes the Baby Jesus cry. Of course, Lynne Spears’ upcoming book will capture the beauty of this thought process more eloquently in “Chapter V: You’re What Now?”

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Billy Ray Cyrus should be interviewed all day every day. The country star and father of Miley Cyrus (better known as Hannah Montana) stopped by The Today Show this morning to talk about the scandal involving a topless photo of Miley that appeared in Vanity Fair. Check out these awesome answers that run the hilarious gambit of poop and turkey necks:

On why he stayed quiet about Miley’s photos:
“My dad always told me the more you stomp in poop, the more it stinks.”

On the advice Kris Kristofferson gave him:
“And I remember Kris Kristofferson stopped me backstage at one of my shows and said, ‘Listen, hoss, always remember: The turkey with the longest neck’s always going to be the one everyone’s shootin’ at’.”

On the supposedly suggestive father-daughter photo:
“That’s just a daddy who loves his daughter a whole lot. If a daddy hasn’t hugged his daughter recently, I recommend he does.”

On his excuse for leaving the shoot early and not seeing the topless photo:
“I had a show to do, and an obligation, to go to Washington state … playing for the troops just back from Iraq.”

Billy Ray also added: “Yeah, the troops… and a group of scientists who needed me to play my gee-tar to cure cancer. Yeah. Dang gum diddily, I reckon all that stuff.” Wait a minute, he done served us a cowpie!

Video after the jump.

Hugh Hefner apparently enjoyed the Miley Cyrus bare-back photos so much, that he wants to see what’s underneath the sheet. When she’s 18, of course. I mean, c’mon, Hugh’s not some dirty old man. He’s more like, oh I dunno, Jesus. Here’s the details from Extra:

“Certainly she’d be welcome to the magazine. She’s a very pretty lady.”
As for the drama caused by Cyrus’ VF shoot? “To make such a big to-do over something as innocent as those photos — I think it’s a reflection of how schizophrenic America is about sexuality.”

Hugh, old chum, I disagree with you on Americans being schizophrenic about getting freaky. Just because sometimes sex is awesome, then bad, then interrupting my video games, then super cool, then something I cry during, doesn’t mean all of us in the colonies have wacky views on the no-pants dance. If I need to build a castle out of LEGOs before knocking boots, that’s perfectly healthy. Unless my lady friend uses up all the gray pieces first. Then she might as well call a taxi and get the heck out because I’m a man with principles, dammit.

In a move destined to make Katie Holmes green with envy, Miley Cyrus was allowed to interact with the public on Saturday night. Disney granted her a brief reprieve from her exile from showing part of her bare back in Vanity Fair. But not without a price. Miley is currently scrubbing Epcot Center with a toothbrush. No foolin’. Pluto told me, but, admittedly, he sounded kind of drunk. People reports on Miley’s outing:

“I hope you had an awesome time,” Cyrus told the crowd after performing her set. “I saw a sign back there that said, ‘Miley, I’m praying for you.’ I could not be more appreciative. Thank you guys for all your support. Without you, none of this would be possible. I love every one of you and I could not be more appreciative. God bless you.”

Disney, of course, took numerous precautions. Miley was rigged with state of the art electronic surveillance devices that would send a jolt if she attempted to remove her shirt without the presence of a Disney employee or said certain keywords such as “Vanity,”, “Fair,” and “Annie Leibovitz.” However, Disney’s plan backfired when Miley absorbed 1.21 gigawatts after she asked for some juice.*

*Give it a minute….

Okay, before everyone flips out, these chicks are LEGAL. Don’t worry, I wouldn’t send you guys to jail - yet. Anyway, I was about to pack it in for the weekend when I stumbled across this little piece TMZ uncovered. It turns out Disney, who balked at the mere showing of Miley Cyrus’ bare back, is in the business of selling lingerie in China with girls made to look like a jail-bait bonanza:

TMZ has turned up Disney ads marketing lacy, sexy lingerie by models who are made to look underage. They’re hawking bras, undies and lacy boy shorts. They are nothing short of seductive. The photos are being used by Shanghai Zhenxin Garment Company to sell Disney clothes in China.

Now that’s good old-fashioned hypocrisy. In the meantime, I can’t really get turned on with Winnie the Pooh sitting on that chick’s shoulder quietly judging me. C’mon, Pooh, a man’s got needs. Like that time you and Eeyore got stuck in a snowstorm. Dude, don’t act so surprised. You had his tail stuck to your stomach for a week. No joke. None of us had the heart to tell you. Plus it was pretty damn hilarious - donkey fucker. BURN! Aww, I kid. Let’s go find Christopher Robin and get him to steal beer from his dad’s fridge.

The rumors about Disney keeping Miley Cyrus out of the spotlight are apparently true. Damage control is in full effect after her “pedophile’s dream come true” photo shoot (actual quote from Christian Coalition. Okay, not really.) Miley was scheduled to appear at Walt Disney World but mysteriously backed out at the last minute, according to Us Magazine:

The 15-year-old — who shocked fans by posing semi-topless for the magazine — has pulled out of a weekend media party to promote the “Disney Channel Games,” Walt Disney World spokesman Gary Buchanan said Thursday. She was set to attend the bash, along with other Disney Channel stars.

My sources tell me Miley is locked in an underground bunker with Natty Gann, Pollyanna and the sister from Escape from Witch Mountain. If nobody knows who the hell those three are, I now feel super old and will spend the rest of the day sobbing into my donut. *bites* Hey, my tears taste like chocolate. Then the prophecy is true: Willy Wonka is my real dad! Mom, how could you?! I mean, without smuggling me home an Oompa Loompa in your purse. You never loved me!

Tyra Banks celebrates her 500th episode of The Tyra Banks Show today. She stopped by The View (video after the jump) to announce that Mayor Bloomberg has officially proclaimed today “The Tyra Banks Show Day.” Sadly, it’s not a national holiday and I should probably stop downing this champagne. But it’s so bubbly! Anyway, while on The View, Tyra weighed in (Was that a fat joke? Hi-yo!) on the Miley Cyrus debacle:

“She is a 15-year-old, and I just wish everybody would leave her alone! It was just a little sexy.”

Wow. Tyra Banks on The View discussing Miley Cyrus. It’s almost like the producers over there want to beat us senseless with excitement. I’m pretty sure I have a black eye. No, wait, that’s when I popped the cork on this champagne. *chugs* I like it when it tickles my nose who wants to go to the strip club and then we’ll nachos with the car drive I’m okay. CAPTAIN KIRK!

Apparently unable to find a scarlet letter for Miley Cyrus to wear, Disney is forcing the young starlet into hiding after her not-really-that-bad photo shoot with Annie Leibovitz turned into a national debacle. Holy shit, it’s her bare back! BURN HER! The New York Post has the details on Disney’s brilliant PR move:

“You won’t be seeing her for a while,” a highranking Disney employee was overheard saying this weekend at a luncheon in LA, according to Page Six. “The company is keeping her away from events and wants her to keep a very low profile for the next four to six months. They’re trying to keep her contained.”

Of course, has we all learned the past couple of days, Hannah Montana is a billion dollar franchise and Disney is no doubt concerned about losing precious dollars from the Bible Belt. And it doesn’t help when Michelle Combs of the Christian Coalition starts making comments to Us Magazine calling for Disney to “reprimand” Miley:

“If she’s gonna go out there and represent wholesome values, she needs to be more accountable for her actions,” Combs says.
Combs adds that famed photographer Annie Leibovitz has “a reputation for doing racy things … Miley should have thought this out before she agreed to go in front of Annie.”

This makes a whole lot of sense really. If Mel Gibson and The Passion of the Christ proved anything, it’s that the Christian market has an ASSLOAD of coin. They also love a good story where a Jew gets blamed for something. In this case: Annie Leibovitz. Not one to miss out on some easy money, I’m thinking of changing the name of the site to something a little more Puritan. I’m leaning towards “Jesus Loves Titties.com.” Mmm, wholesomey.

Vanity Fair fired back today by simply posting the Miley Cyrus interview and photo shoot on their website. Basically, it takes the piss right out of the following claim made by Disney via The New York Times who think Disney is worried about the shots alienating parents from their billion dollar franchise:

A Disney spokeswoman, Patti McTeague, faulted Vanity Fair for the photo. “Unfortunately, as the article suggests, a situation was created to deliberately manipulate a 15-year-old in order to sell magazines,” she said.

Vanity Fair’s online article also includes behind the scene photos, where the picture above was taken, that show Miley having a blast during the shoot. Here’s a quote from the article:

Um, was Cyrus—or Disney—at all anxious about this shot? “No, I mean I had a big blanket on. And I thought, This looks pretty, and really natural. I think it’s really artsy.”

I put on my detective hand and tried to find the gun in these photos that Annie Liebovitz used to force defenseless Miley Cyrus to pose for these pictures, but so far no dice. I thought I saw Adolf Hitler with a machete and had cracked this case wide open but it was just a palm tree. Then why did it have a moustache…

NOTE: I know you guys are probably wondering what the brain trust at The View thought about this whole debacle. Well, you’re in luck, video after the jump of Whoopi cutting through the bullshit and telling it like it is while Elisabeth Hasselbeck apparently listened to Rush Limbaugh this morning and blamed Annie Leibovitz. Fortunately, there’s Joy Behar to say “Billy Ray is robbing that ass!” So, prepare yourself, for the sassiest barrage of sass this side of Sassylvania.

UPDATE: Annie Leibovitz issued the following statement to People: “I’m sorry that my portrait of Miley has been misinterpreted. Miley and I looked at fashion photographs together and we discussed the picture in that context before we shot it. The photograph is a simple, classic portrait, shot with very little makeup, and I think it is very beautiful.” Afterwards, Annie ate the American flag then read a Harry Potter book because, didn’t you know? She’s a terrorist.

Miley Cyrus will appear on the cover of the latest Vanity Fair set to hit newsstands later this week. She posed for a, what she now calls “racy”, shoot (above) with legendary photographer Annie Liebovitz. Miley is worried the shots will alienate fans and issued an apology to Entertainment Tonight:

“I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed,” she tells ET. “I never intended for any of this to happen and I apologize to my fans who I care so deeply about.”

Vanity Fair is basically saying “WTF?” to the sudden hub-bub, because Miley and her parents had no problem at all when they initially saw the photos:

“Miley’s parents and/or minders were on the set all day. Since the photo was taken digitally, they saw it on the shoot and everyone thought it was a beautiful and natural portrait of Miley. In fact, when BRUCE HANDY interviewed Miley, he asked her about the photo and she was very cheerful about it and thought it was perfectly fine.”

Apparently Disney, who owns Hannah Montana, was not aware of the photos until they appeared on Entertainment Tonight. You know how Disney cares about that wholesome image. They don’t want their young starlets flashing their goods until they’re good and insane. Right, Britney Spears? Now get that kitten out of your mouth. For the last time, putting hot fudge on it doesn’t make it food. You gotta use ketchup.

Miley Cyrus will appear on the cover of the latest Vanity Fair set to hit newsstands later this week. She posed for a, what she now calls “racy”, shoot (above) with legendary photographer Annie Liebovitz. Miley is worried the shots will alienate fans and issued an apology to Entertainment Tonight:

“I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic’ and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed,” she tells ET. “I never intended for any of this to happen and I apologize to my fans who I care so deeply about.”

Vanity Fair is basically saying “WTF?” to the sudden hub-bub, because Miley and her parents had no problem at all when they initially saw the photos:

“Miley’s parents and/or minders were on the set all day. Since the photo was taken digitally, they saw it on the shoot and everyone thought it was a beautiful and natural portrait of Miley. In fact, when BRUCE HANDY interviewed Miley, he asked her about the photo and she was very cheerful about it and thought it was perfectly fine.”

Apparently Disney, who owns Hannah Montana, was not aware of the photos until they appeared on Entertainment Tonight. You know how Disney cares about that wholesome image. They don’t want their young starlets flashing their goods until they’re good and insane. Right, Britney Spears? Now get that kitten out of your mouth. For the last time, putting hot fudge on it doesn’t make it food. You gotta use ketchup.

EDIT: Added a video after the jump from today’s The Early Show about the controversy. Disney is definitely flipping their shit. Hannah Montana is a billion dollar franchise. That’s a spicy meatball! Thanks to Lindsey at RedLasso for the hook-up.

"I took part in a photo shoot that was supposed to be 'artistic' and now, seeing the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed," she tells ET. "I never intended for any of this to happen and I apologize to my fans who I care so deeply about."

Vanity Fair editors respond: "Miley's parents and/or minders were on the set all day. Since the photo was taken digitally, they saw it on the shoot and everyone thought it was a beautiful and natural portrait of Miley. In fact, when BRUCE HANDY interviewed Miley, he asked her about the photo and she was very cheerful about it and thought it was perfectly fine."

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The Britney Spears media juggernaut has finally come to a screeching halt. The paps have moved on to a new target who would land us all in jail if she flashed her hoo-ha. The NY Daily News reports:

“Over the weekend, there were less than a half dozen covering Britney” despite her imminent sitcom debut on “How I Met Your Mother,” says BuzzFoto founder Brad Elterman. “Yet there were 30 in the pack covering Miley Cyrus. Most of them were Britney regulars, but they want something new and fresh. It’s moved on to Miley.”

Somewhere Adnan Ghalib just bought a Hannah Montana poster. Only to be stabbed by a scimitar wielded by Sam Lutfi. Who was then shot by Indiana Jones. Who just wanted to know which aisle the stool softeners are in but decided to ask with bullets. Aww. Old people are freaking adorable. I should get one for around the house.