Nick Hogan is getting three months knocked off his jail sentence and will be a free man before Halloween. He was serving eight months after a car accident that left his best friend John Graziano in a coma with a massive hole in his head. TMZ reports:

Nick’s being released from Pinellas County Jail on Oct. 21, three months short of the eight-month sentence he got for felony reckless driving. His early release is for good behavior.

Well, I’m sure Nick’s learned his lesson. In fact, the next time he drag races drunk, he’s totally making his passenger wear a seat belt.

Never underestimate the power of change….

Hulk Hogan is so proud of his son. You know, the one who’s in prison for braining his friend in a drag racing accident on a public highway, not to be confused with the one filming his own reality show Brooke Knows Best. Anyway, Hulk says Nick is becoming a ‘better man” from the experience and is much happier since he moved into the general prison population on his 18th birthday. The dude loves butt rape. What’re ya gonna do? People reports:

“It’s much better,” he says. “Nick describes it as like a two-story warehouse with tables, seven or eight phones, TVs, and it’s people who are there for like child support and parking tickets. And instead of just once in a while being allowed to go outside, they leave the door open to the exercise yard. He said, ‘Dad, I can even go outside at night and look at the stars.’
“He was moving through life and maybe not real appreciative of things,” Hogan says. “When this happened, it totally spun him in a 180. … It’s the best thing that ever happened to him. I’m not saying it’s a good thing. But it happened for a reason.”

Hulk added, “Yup, the best thing ever. Obviously, not counting what happened to his friend. Horrible, horrible thing for, uh, what’s-his-face, to go through. Shit, I should probably remember the kid’s name. Though it’s not like he’s ever going to read this. Am I right? High five! Alright, folks, I’m off to buy a jet with a giant mustache painted on the front. It’s been real.”

Brooke Hogan, like any big brother, is concerned about the well-being of her little brother Nick. She spoke to People about Nick’s poor fragile spirit that has me convinced he pees sitting down:

“They had broken his spirit,” Brooke Hogan, 20, tells PEOPLE. “When they put him in solitary, he was on the outs. I was worried about him, and his safety, and his well-being.”
“We get to visit him three times a week like everybody else, but it sucks,” she says. “I can’t just walk over to his room and give him a hug, or talk to him, or confide in him. … At least he’s not locked in hell, basically. And his personality is slowly coming back. I bring that out of him.”

“His personality is coming back. I bring that out of him.” Christ, this family is jam-packed with ego. Seriously, there’s a simple explanation to all this: Nick is surrounded by dudes 24/7 and has long given up any inhibitions about staring at his sister’s rack. I mean, it’s technically not incest if they were put there by science. That’s in The Bible.

Linda Hogan visited Pinellas County Prison yesterday for her son Nick’s 18th birthday. Knowing the TV cameras would be there, Linda brought a gift: A skateboard from, I’m assuming, the nearest Wal-Mart. Really? Wow. Because, ignoring the fact Nick’s legally a man and these people are loaded, he’s sort of in jail where blunt wheeled objects are frowned upon. Though, to Linda’s credit, at least she abandoned her initial gift idea of a puppy with a handgun.

Nick Hogan/Bollea turns 18 on Sunday, and it looks like he’s all set to receive a special birthday corn-holing. Dreams do come true! TMZ reports:

Bollea, who has been housed with other juveniles at Pinellas County Jail, will be moved to an adult facility on Sunday, aka his 18th birthday. It’s an open dormitory type of setting where he’ll be in close contact with other adult inmates. The inmates are either awaiting sentencing or have already been sentenced in cases ranging from misdemeanors to felonies.

If Nick’s lucky, he remembered some wrestling moves his dad taught him. Particularly the “Take a Lot of Roids to Shrink your Nuts” maneuver. That way you can get hit there all day and won’t feel a thing. I don’t exactly know how that’ll prevent the butt sex, but I’ve completely tapped all my interest in Nick’s well being. So, who wants donuts?

The Graziano family has released video footage of John Graziano’s daily rehabilitation in the hospital. We’ve all known he’s been in a coma and has a hole in a head, but no one mentioned how freaking huge the hole is. The footage appeared on Nancy Grace midweek with the hole pixelated and, well, uh, I just saw the unpixelated version. It’s goddamn insane and really puts Hulk Hogan’s “God wants John in a coma to make him a better person” comment in a whole other light. A bright, bleached, asinine “Wow, what a dick” light. No wonder the Hulk got death threats from John’s brother. In fact, I’m about to give him a death threat:

Terry… you cocksucka… I will pee in your moustache… all your money won’t help you now… unless you buy a moustache shield… um… sucker of cocks, Luke, I’m your father.

Go easy on me. It’s my first time.

WARNING: Uncensored video after the jump contains disturbing images unless you’re the sort of person who finds gaping head wounds divine.

Thanks to The Builder for the tip. I hope those permits come through.

John Graziano’s brother Frank has allegedly been leaving Hulk Hogan threatening messages since his appearance on Larry King Live, according to TMZ:

The voicemail threats made against Hulk Hogan and his family — calling them “whores” and threatening to “piss on you and your family’s grave” — have been released.
Clearwater PD tells TMZ there is an “open investigation” into the calls.

The messages were played on Bubba the Love Sponge’s (?) radio show this morning and they’re beyond pathetic. It’s basically some assclown who’s seen way too many episodes of The Sopranos. The Hulk said some asinine shit, but he deserves a believable death threat that doesn’t make me laugh then suddenly crave a meatball sub. I’m talking a dead fish in his mailbox. Or shaving off his moustache in his sleep. I hope you’re writing these gems down, Frank Graziano, and not just polishing your pinky ring with a slice a da pizza.

EDIT: Uncensored and NSFW version of the messages here. Not safe for the kiddies either unless you want to explain why Darth Vader keeps saying “cocksucker.”

Oh, man, those crazy Hogans have done it again! This time Hulk stopped by Larry King Live last night for an emotional interview about his son Nick’s imprisonment. At the end of the interview, a teary-eyed Hulk remained positive that Nick’s accident happened for a divine reason and then expressed his belief that John Graziano’s coma would make him “a better person.” Here’s the excerpt from the transcript on CNN.com:

KING: It is OK. This is hard. Who could ever imagine.
HOGAN: It is the main focus is my son, my children and John Graziano. It has been a tough one, Larry. You know, you said to me during the break, this is the second part of the dance. So it is halftime and we’re positive. We’re moving forward.
KING: You believe in god.
HOGAN: Yes, I do.
KING: Do you believe in the second act? Do you believe in forgiveness?
HOGAN: Like I said, this is in God’s hand. Things happen for a reason. This is to make Nick a better person. In my belief, this is to make John a better person. It is like I said before, you know, it is god’s will where we’re at with this situation. I refuse to accept any negativity, any nay sayers. I firmly believe there is a plan. It is god’s plan and god’s will.

WOW! Because nothing improves your outlook on life than a coma you’ll never wake up from. Damn, these people will blame anyone but themselves. I’m looking forward to Linda Hogan appearing on The View where she’ll point the finger at, of course, John Graziano along with Satan and “the rat-bastard who invented the wheel.” Her son’s a driver of vehicles - How could you?!

NOTE: Video after the jump. Hulk citing lifelong paralysis as a self-help plan around the 2:50 mark.

Stephanie Ragusa, a Florida teacher currently in jail for having sex with three minors, wrote Nick Hogan/Bollea a letter of support that was intercepted by authorities. She felt her and Nick were suffering similar circumstances which prompted her to reach out to Hulk’s son. And maybe touch his wiener. The AP reports:

The letter was intercepted by Pinellas County sheriff’s deputies after they recognized Ragusa’s name, the jail’s return address and her docket number on the envelope, authorities said. Bollea, who is serving an eight-month sentence on a charge of reckless driving with serious bodily injury, was later given a copy of the letter.
Ragusa, 29, is facing charges of lewd or lascivious battery and unlawful sexual activity with a minor.

In the letter, Stephanie also invited Nick for a “private tutoring session.” To which Nick replied, “Sounds rad. Then afterwards we can go for a drive! P.S. Bring beer.”

Nick Hogan was transferred out of solitary yesterday and moved into a cell with three other juvenile roommates. For the record, the decision was not made because of Nick’s lawyers bitching to get him out on Tuesday, but because of routine assessment of inmates’ living situations, according to the AP:

Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office spokeswoman Cecilia Barreda says housing assignments are routinely reviewed because the jail’s population constantly changes. That created an opportunity to house juveniles together.

I guess someone’s missing his fortress of masturbation-tude now. Oh, you don’t know what you’ve got, till it’s gone. But, in all seriousness, Nick’s very happy now. I hear there’s nothing quite like spooning at shiv point. It’s breathtaking almost.

A Florida judge has ruled that Nick Hogan will remain segregated from other inmates while serving his 8-month sentence after he pleaded no contest to a crash that left his friend John Graziano in a coma. The AP reports:

A judge on Tuesday denied Nick Bollea’s request to change the conditions of his jail sentence because solitary confinement is causing him “unbearable anxiety.”
Officials say he is segregated from other inmates in the county jail in Clearwater because he is a minor, even though he was convicted in adult court.

So, in legal terms, Nick’s lawyers claimed he’s suffering from “unbearable anxiety” to which the judge responded, “How bout he grow a pair?” God willing, this ruling has set a legal precedent for all future cases of bitch-assing.

Nick Hogan-Bollea’s lawyers filed a response to the civil lawsuit filed by John Graziano’s family. John was the passenger in Nick’s car when it crashed and is now in a coma. But according to Nick’s lawyer, John Graziano is also Satan himself. Okay, maybe they don’t go that far, but they literally blame John Graziano for the entire accident and claim Nick did nothing wrong. Except, maybe got drunk and drag-raced. But, what’s this? John gave him the beer?! You don’t say. TMZ reports:

We’ve obtained his response to the civil lawsuit that John’s family filed against the Hogans, and it’s outrageous: Nick blames virtually every person on the planet — including John himself and Daniel Jacobs, the guy whom he drag-raced to cause the crash in the first place — but doesn’t take a shred of responsibility of his own.
Let’s just list the ways that Nick says John put himself in danger: Not wearing a seatbelt, not getting out of the car, getting into the car in the first place.

If you take a look at the response, I’m surprised there’s not a paragraph stating that John Graziano secretly harbored a dream to be in a coma by his early 20’s. Jesus. Anyway, while his mom is out dating his long-haired doppleganger, Nick is apparently sitting in solitary confinement because he’s a minor and must be separated from the other inmates, according to People:

Bollea, 17, spends 16 to 17 hours a day in a maximum security cell in a Florida jail where his food is delivered through a slot in the door, his attorneys said in a court filing seeking a transfer to monitored home confinement or the minimum-security area.

Okay, that does sound a bit harsh. I think some sort of compromise can he made here. Hmm, let’s see. Ooh, got it: Nick Hogan can get out of solitary - as soon as John Graziano wakes up and lets him out.

Linda Hogan decided to one-up the Hulk by dating someone who not only looks like her child - but is practically the same age. In your face, brotha! Linda brought her suitor, 19-year-old Charlie, to the opening of the Palm Place Spa & Hotel where the Simpsons were also partying. Apparently, it was “Dysfunctional Celebrity Families Teetering towards Irrelevancy Night.” TMZ reports:

Charlie told us they are just friends — because friends are typically all over each other at the Palms.
Of course classy Linda made sure Charlie-poo had a drink.

Charlie does sort of look like a long-haired Nick Hogan. If you close your eyes and pretend, which Linda is all over. That said, I wonder if it’s awkward when she comes to visit Charlie at his house. You know, because his mom makes him keep the bedroom door open. Which, as a mother, Linda agrees with but doesn’t think that’s an excuse not to dry hump oh God I puked in my mouth. Napkin!

Video of Linda and Charlie grinding at the Palms after the jump.

Brooke Hogan was involved in a car accident Sunday on the Bayside Bridge in Florida. TMZ has a copy of the police report while I have a danish:

According to the report, the other car collided with Brooke’s, pushing her into the left concrete barrier wall. Brooke’s car came to rest on the left shoulder, while the other car went back across the bridge and came to rest on the right shoulder. The report indicates that, according to witnesses, the other car was speeding. Florida Highway Patrol reps tell TMZ Brooke was not at fault.

Brooke then went straight home from the scene and, like any good East German shot-putter, blogged on her MySpace profile, according to TMZ. She thanked her brother Nick and the kid he put in a coma for reminding her to wear a seatbelt. Nice! But then she took it down. Aww. Brooke’s probably just embarrassed that her passenger isn’t a vegetable which makes me wish Congress would start cracking down on sibling rivalry. But after I pants my brother at his own wedding next week.

After his son Nick was sentenced to eight months in prison on Friday, Hulk Hogan needed the soft, soothing relief of nature’s own antidepressant: mammaries. He gathered up some wrestling buddies on Saturday and retreated to the holy sanctuary of Hooters, according to TMZ:

Hulk Hogan drowned his sorrows in chicken wings at a local Hooters restaurant in Tampa, Florida today. Sources tell TMZ that the wrestling star was accompanied by close friend and former WWF wrestler Brian Knobbs of the Nasty Boys, wrestling manager Jimmy Hart and other family friends. The group dined on wings, beer and salad.

Is there anything that breasts can’t heal? No, really, I’m seriously asking. I lost at online Mario Kart to The Geekologie Writer* and kind of whipped my Wii Wheel at the wall which ricocheted into my melon. I think, if I see a nipple, I should pull through. Or even just some areola. Also, time is a factor. There’s a dude here with a black robe and sickle who says he’s in a rush.

*I hate you and put the HIV in your coffee. Happy Monday!

Nick Bollea (a.k.a. Nick Hogan) was sentenced to eight months in Florida County Jail today after pleading no contest to charges of felony reckless driving. Wow, a book finally got thrown at a celeb that deserved it. Check out the details from People:

In addition to the jail time, which begins immediately, Bollea, 17, was sentenced to 5 years probation, during which he will serve 500 hours of community service, not be allowed to drink any alcohol and have his driver’s license revoked for 3 years.
“I think there is an understanding of what happened, and there is a sense of acceptance of responsibility,” the judge said, explaining his decision. “There is nothing that the court can impose that is close to what John has dealt with or will have to deal with as he moves forward.”
Leaving the courthouse, Bollea’s family did not address reporters. His attorneys did say that Bollea was “happy” with the sentence, and happy that the case was finished.

All I have to say is, Brooke, if you need any comforting, I’m here for you. Back massage, dip in the hot tub, erotic Parcheesi, you name it. I’m here for you like a rock. A strong rock with rock pecs, biceps and rocky good looks carved from, well, rocks. But moving on, I know it must be tough thinking your dad’s money would save your brother, but these things happen. So, please, don’t hesitate to call - or even put on a bikini and drive to my house. You know, to start the healing process. It’s all about the healing.

The lawsuit everyone knew was coming was filed yesterday. The Hogans are being sued by the family of John Graziano the young Marine who remains in a coma after being injured in a car crash. John was riding in the the Toyota Supra that Nick Hogan managed to turn into a crushed banana with the help of a tree. And, also, oh I dunno, some booze. The St. Petersburg Times reports:

The suit will seek damages in the millions, said attorney George Tragos, but the exact amount is not known because it remains unclear how expensive Graziano’s care will be. Tragos said the former Marine’s medical bills already exceed $1 million.

Just how injured is John Graziano? Let’s say it’s somewhere between super fucked up and Jesus Christ, they took part of your brain!:

Lawyers today said that a portion of Graziano’s frontal lobe had to be removed because of the crash. He is in a “semi-conscious” state and responds to certain stimuli like heat and touch, lawyers said.

The suit is definitely pointing out well-known facts that Linda Hogan encouraged her son Nick’s reckless driving. And that Hulk also owned the other car that Nick was racing with before he crashed. The driver of that car is also named in the suit. Coincidentally, lawyers also filed a motion that Brooke Hogan should wash my car in a bikini. Or at least they will if they know what’s good for them. *waves donut threateningly* That’s right, son, jelly: The deadliest of the donu - wait, my bad. It’s only peanut butter. Goddammit…

The family of Nick Hogan crash victim John Graziano wants the Hogans to stay the fuck away from the hospital. They believe their latest visit, which didn’t include the Hulk just Linda and the kids, was all for show. The St. Petersburg Times reports:

That’s because the trio went to the hospital on Valentine’s Day with gifts, and images of their arrival showed up on celebrity news Web sites, the Graziano family’s attorneys said Wednesday.
“We believe that it was a total (public relations) stunt,” said attorney Kimberley Kohn.

Damn, how did I miss those? Anyway, the Hogans are doing a bang-up job handling this situation. Whether it’s blaming the victim for not wearing a seat belt or staging photo ops, these people are all over it. Honestly, there’s not a goddamn thing that’s real about them. Except for Brooke’s man chin. Which is all too real and can cut through a diamond. Or so the legend goes…

Thanks to David for the pics who can grow a thicker moustache than the Hulk - with his mind!

John Graziano, the 22-year-old passenger in Hulk Hogan’s son Nick Bollea’s car the day it crashed, has opened his eyes and is semi-conscious, according to Tampa Bay’s 10 News:

He still can’t breathe without a machine and can’t speak, but recently, he has shown some signs of improvement.
Graziano leaned away from his mother as she tried to touch his face recently, she said.

Awesome. Now Hulk Hogan’s lawyers can get to work investigating why John Graziano’s lack of a seatbelt is a more heinous crime than drag-racing drunk. I even hear the Hulk is trying to pin his divorce on it as well. The only problem is no one has seen the seatbelt since the crash. Though my trusted sources within the Pentagon claim it was last spotted in the mountains of Afghanistan leading an Al Qaeda training camp.

Nick Bollea, the son of wrestler Hulk Hogan, was arrested this morning for reckless driving involving serious bodily injury. Nick voluntarily turned himself in to police when he learned of the charges. He was involved in a one-car accident in August that left his friend John Graziano in a coma. He has yet to awaken. The Hogan Bollea family issued the following statement following Nick’s arrest:

“Nick and the entire Hogan Bollea family are saddened that criminal charges have been filed in regards to the tragic single car accident on August 26, 2007. Nick will meet and answer these charges in the appropriate arena a court of law. The family’s primary focus and concern still remains for the continued recovery of Nick’s longtime friend John Graziano. The Bolleas will also continue to stand by the Graziano family and help them in any way they can. The tragedy to both families is compounded by the fact that unfortunately John was not wearing his seatbelt. Thankfully, Nick was wearing his. Because of what happened to John, the entire Bollea family will make it a priority to increase public awareness about the importance of always wearing your seatbelt. There has been much speculation as to the speed and wet road conditions surrounding this accident. Although all the evidence has not been evaluated, preliminary reports from the experts indicate that this was not, in fact, a high-speed accident. Because Nick is still a juvenile and has no prior criminal record, we are disappointed that he is being charged as an adult offender. However, we are confident that the evidence will demonstrate that this was an accident. We ask all who follow these events to keep an open mind as to the facts until they have been ultimately determined. Finally, we thank all who have prayed for John’s recovery and ask for your continued support and prayers.”

Well, it turns out shortly after the Hogans made this statement, the facts were ultimately determined. Nick Bollea was drinking prior to the crash and was racing another car. TMZ reports:

In addition to being arrested for reckless driving involving serious bodily injury, cops also cited Hogan for use of a motor vehicle in the commission of a felony, a person under the age of 21 operating a vehicle with a breath-alcohol level of .02 or higher and having and Illegal window tint.

But, you know what? It’s cool. This is totally the fault of the kid who didn’t wear his seatbelt. I’ve always maintained that, when in doubt, blame the person in the coma. Drag racing drunk? Pssh. That’s nothing. But not wearing a seatbelt? Christ, don’t people have any respect for the law anymore? Is it possible to put a comatose patient in the electric chair? You know, really make an example of him.