Let me start by saying there are several things I would feasibly believe Nicole Richie possesses:

Pirate ship.
Unicorn.
One Ring to rule them all.
Jesus’ body.

But an ass? C’mon, there’s no way these aren’t Photoshopped. And, seriously, whoever did this, Optimus Prime’s face would’ve looked more realistic back there. You know, provided he was winking and smoking a cigar like Groucho Marx. I’m a helper

A friend of the pair said: "They want to set an example for Harlow. Nicole and Joel are doing this to seal their love legally.

"They want the ceremony to coincide with Harlow's first birthday and be one big joyous occasion for everybody."

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Nicole Richie looked uncharacteristically hot (for her) at the Carnival of Hope gala over the weekend. I say uncharacteristically because she usually looks like Gollum with tits. How she pulled off this miraculous transformation is beyond me, but I’ve got top scientists over at NASA looking into it.

UPDATE: Got a reply!

TO: The Superficial
SUBJECT: Re: URGENT: Nicole Richie gave me a boner, please advise

Perhaps I wasn’t clear in our last correspondence, so let me simplify the terms:

We make rockets go “BOOM” so Joe the Spaceman can fly to the moon.

I really don’t know how to make that anymore understandable without the use of puppets, so for the last time, stop e-mailing us.
That said, the bitch stopped doing H.

Peace out,

Dr. Scott Brooks,
NASA

P.S. QUIT POSTING ABOUT HEIDI & SPENCER!

Nicole Richie almost had a chest bonanza (I’m tired of “wardrobe malfunction.”) yesterday while taking daughter Harlow Winter Kate for a walk, and I’m not ashamed to admit it: I’d probably take a peak at Nicole’s boob. Even though logic and reason clearly dictate it will look like Gollum’s face eating a raw fish. True story.

Nicole Richie needs to give up trying to be in front of the camera and go behind it after what what she did with that video. Seriously didn’t she do a great job with that Good Charlotte tour video. And how cute is Harlow with her daddy Joel Madden!!

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Nicole Richie hit up Vegas this weekend with Paris Hilton to watch their boyfriends The Elmer Fudd Brothers perform at the Hard Rock. Apparently, things got heated and Nicole found herself scrapping with an unidentified woman outside, according to Vegas Confidential:

Richie, who recently had a baby with Joel Madden, Benji’s brother, was involved in a catfight in the valet area at the Hard Rock Hotel. Security whisked Richie away, according to spies.
Richie, whose daughter is 5 months old, recently vowed she would not be getting in trouble anymore “because I want my child to look up to me. … I want to show her the right path.

Nicole Richie in a catfight? That’s like watching Gollum get in a slap-fest with a cocktail waitress. But, in Nicole’s case, minus the erotic undertones and any chance I’ll ever have an erection again.

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First off, I’m not going to deny that I’m taking extreme pleasure in finally not being the one whose light-years behind on a story. (Thought I gotta admit, I’m pretty good at it.) Star, who can no longer remain smug in their finery, is just now reporting on the Joel Madden/Lindsay Lohan flirting debacle. Yeah, sure Star has inside details on Nicole Richie’s reaction, but you know what I say to that? HA HA FRIST!:

The Good Charlotte rocker seemed more interested in a seductive Lindsay than in spinning records.
“Their heads were practically touching, and he had his leg over hers,” says one onlooker. “Joel has a flirtatious side, and he definitely wasn’t turning her away.”
Making the situation worse, Nicole frantically tried to call Joel, but he wasn’t answering his phone.
“He was so zeroed in on Lindsay, he never heard his cell ring,” a friend of the couple tells Star. “Nicole felt so incredibly helpless and upset that she threw her phone against the wall in a rage.”

I really can’t fault Joel Madden for flirting with The Boobed One. When you look like Elmer Fudd’s retarded twin brother, you take all the lady attention you can get. You know, before they sober up and realize Good Charlotte is a form of torture in some countries (i.e. This one.)

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Lindsay Lohan has gone from nympho (yay!) to klepto (aw.). Last night she was spotted getting close with Nicole Richie’s man Joel Madden at Hornitos (above). But that’s not her only caper. The New York Post is reporting that Lindsay allegedly ganked a fur coat from a Columbia student back in January. And has been photographed wearing the coat:

Masha Markova, 22, believed she had forever lost the prized jacket - a gift from her grandmother - while attending a private birthday party at 1Oak in the Meatpacking District in the early-morning hours of Jan. 26.
She added that at one point, she was seated next to Lohan, and recalled putting the mink in a common bin with other jackets. It was gone when she prepared to leave 1Oak after an hour, Markova said.
Two weeks later, Markova flipped through the Feb. 11 edition of OK! Magazine and couldn’t believe her eyes - Lohan was photographed the night of Jan. 26 wearing the very same fur coat.

Masha, who is now seeking $10,000 in damages, eventually got the coat back after her lawyer contacted Lindsay’s attorney Blaire Berk. 1Oak acted as a middleman for the transaction:

Reeking of cigarettes and booze with a slight tear in the lining, the fur coat was no worse for wear after a dry cleaning and quick patch-up.
Still, she wants answers - and Lohan to own up to swiping her coat.
“I don’t see how it could have been an accident,” Markova said.

But what about the pressing matter of Lindsay and new father Joel Madden? No big deal. You see, Nicole and Joel have a relationship built on trust. Nicole knows Joel will always come back home and stay faithful to his love. In the meantime, she’s perfectly content staying in and shooting heroin while a complete stranger rears their child in a secluded part of the mansion. And people say family values are eroding in this country. Pfft. Hogwash.

So we got back to LA from the desert. Cochella was pretty cool. i have to admit of all the bands i planned on seeing, i only saw a couple songs of about 4 bands. MIA, Mark Ronson, Flogging molly and portishead. Other than that we just walked around. it was actually kind of mind numbing. I saw so many wasted faces that i started to feel a little wasted myself. We left before Prince, though we really wanted to see him, i was actually enjoying the house we were staing at much more. It was a really great weekend and we had alot of fun and so did Harlow.  

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Paris Hilton wants to have a double wedding with best friend Nicole Richie. The two would wed their respective hunchback Madden brothers Benji and Joel, according to Page Six:

Hilton, who is not even engaged to Benji, said she wants to do it in order to sell the pictures from the wedding and thinks she could rake in millions, said one pal. “She’s doing it all for attention, as usual,” said the friend. “It’s a publicity stunt, just like everything else.”

I don’t give a rat’s ass if this is a publicity stunt or not. I’m all for it. I mean, Jesus, talk about killing four birds with one stone/rocket launcher. *EEER-FOOSH* Oh my God, who shoots rockets at a wedding? *KABOOM* It must be that guy over there. The one who looks like Rambo crossed with Brad Pitt - and is holding a rocket launcher. *EEER-FOOSH* Why does he keep slathering his chest with shoe polish between shots? No one needs to be that sexy. *KABOOM* Aw, I’m Joel Madden and I’m totally dead.

*sigh* I love weddings.

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie showed up at the DCMA Collective flagstore opening to support their men Benji and Joel Madden respectively. The girls brought out the big guns probably to draw a crowd. They’re gonna need all help they can get. I scoped out the DCMA website, and, after sending an axe through my monitor, I’m thoroughly unimpressed. It just proves the theory that if you allow twin douche-bandits to design their own clothing line, you end up with Hot Topic - but more retarded which I never thought was possible until today. We’re through the looking glass, people.

NOTE: In the battle of the boobs, The Superficial declares Paris Hilton the winner. She defeats Nicole Richie who should’ve tried a different look besides “Lactating Gollum.”

Want to see who that bad dog upstaged then

Nicole Richie just can’t get any hotter! (Prior statement does not include physical appearance.) She’s been offered the lead role of Roxie Hart in the Broadway production of Chicago. A source for Us Weekly, who is either Nicole’s publicist or escaped from a mental ward, had the following to say:

“It is in the super early stages of discussions and no decision has been made yet. It would give her a reason to really show her talent and to stay in the new place in NY Joel just got,” the source says. “It also shows people are really excited about Nicole right now.”

Yes, America just couldn’t be more captivated with our newest sweetheart. Step aside, Lady Liberty. You’re yesterday’s news. The nation is truly abuzz with this emaciated waif who coked off all her baby weight within a week and flew on the slightest of wind into our hearts. The ole U.S. of A. salutes you, Nicole. Keep on snorting for the boys overseas! God bless and Stars and Stripes forever!

Nicole Richie gave birth just over a month ago and she’s already partying hard on the weekends with boyfriend Joel Madden. In the meantime, poor little Harlow Winter Kate Simon Peter Voltron Madden is left at home with a nanny, according to a spy for Page Six:

During the Grammys weekend, the couple went to several parties each night for hours. Last weekend, Richie and Madden once again left their tot at home to spend some quality time with Joel’s brother Benji and Lindsay Lohan at Teddy’s in the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. They didn’t rush home until the end of the evening - “It’s almost as if they aren’t parents,” said a spy.

Actually that sounds like awesome parenting. When I accidentally have a kid, I’m leaving him home all the time while I go out drinking. But don’t worry. He’ll be fine. I’ll leave some open cans of tuna on the floor for him. Kids love tuna. Or is that cats? Which one always lands on its feet? My sister won’t let me near her kids to find out. Something about me putting kitty litter in the crib. I dunno. She’s weird like that.