It seems like you can’t run a celebrity website laced with Herculean commentary these days without running into rumors that Katie Holmes is pregnant as several sources claim these pictures prove. If not wearing a bra and trying to cut more glass than Jennifer Aniston in Antarctica constitutes being with child, then yes, Katie Holmes is knocked up. Otherwise, for God’s sake, please just leave the woman alone so Tom Cruise can finally install her penis, and then we’ve got a story.

Lindsay Lohan was spotted around town wearing a see through shirt without her bra on. You know, if I had giant breasts I probably wouldn’t wear a bra either. Hell, I probably wouldn’t even wear a shirt. No, I imagine my days would be filled in front of a camcorder rolling around in a tub. And that tub? May or may not be filled with Jell-O.*

*It is.

NOTE: Pics link to either NSFW or LSFW versions, depending on how good your eyesight is.

Lily Allen took to her blog today to explain why her nipples stepped out for some London air yesterday. It turns out she has small breasts and hates bras which is apparently the perfect recipe for Boobs Poppinsonia. And now the non-capitalized, oddly spaced writings of Lily Allen:

hello , i wore a loose fitting t shirt yesterday . I was very hot in London yesterday , and it’s no secret I don’t like wearing bras , besides i don’t need to, measuring in at 32A it hardly seems necessary .My boob fell out twice and people on the blogs are saying it was a publicity stunt . Can I just say , i have been keeping myself very much to myself recently , i’ve been gardening , decorating my new flat and looking after my greiving grandfather
If i wanted publicity , i’d be accepting invitations not to mention money for turning up to glamourous events . I’m actually trying really hard to be out of the public eye , as I’m really proud of the work i’ve put into my album and I want people to appreciate the music , yes I enjoy attention and praise , thats why i went into this job . But don’t accuse me of purposely slipping out of my clothes to get attention and press . I hate the fact that there are always 10 middle aged men following me everywhere that i go .
I understand that it’s the price i pay for having a nice house and nice clothes , and i treat them with courtesy when i don’t think that they particularly deserve it . i’m a very independent person and I like to live as normal a life as anybody where I can ,I live by myself , i drive myself around and run all my errands by myself . It’s actually incredibly embarrasing and lonely when I’m walking down the street and men are chasing me with their cameras , drawing attention to me and people then pointing and taking out their camera’s and phones all getting in on the action . I’m 5″2 i’m 23 and this stuff gets to me every so often , so when you see pictures of ” lily looking , glum” or ” lily in tears , again” it’s not because i’m upset about my relationships or because i’m hungover . It’s because i’m on my own and people are pointing at me like an animal in the zoo , talking about me as if i’m not there, meanwhile 10 -20 guys are all making money catching every second of it . Anyway my point is , i would never use my body in that way , I’m just not that kind of girl .

Anyone else stop reading when you realized you weren’t going to see a nipple? Yeah, me too.

British singer Lily Allen flashed the paparazzi her boob today while getting out of her car. Hey, tit happens, I completely understand. Those things pay my bills. But here’s what I don’t get: Later on, Lily does it again only this time with the other one! Jesus, lady. There’s an old saying: Boob me once, shame on you. Boob me twice, I’m gonna keep looking because, honestly, I’ve got nothing better to do, and I’m a dude.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions, so you might need a lookout.

Cindy Crawford continues her vacation in France with husband Rande Gerber and special guest George Clooney. This time she’s partaking in some topless sunbathing and gravity has been ridiculously kind to Cindy. The last pair of 42-year-old breasts I saw belonged to The Geekologie Writer’s mom. She tripped on them on her way to the bed. True story.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW version that will make you cry if you’re a middle-aged woman, Richard Gere or all of the above.

Nereida Gallardo continues her epic quest to spend 90% of the summer totally topless in order to piss off ex-boyfriend Cristiano Ronaldo. I wish my exes flashed their boobs to get back at me. Boy, would I learn my lesson.

UPDATE: Did it work? Shit…

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions unless you work in a factory that builds topless Spanish models with augmented breasts. In which case, are you hiring?

Eva Mendes is more than just the face for the new Calvin Klein Secret Obsession campaign. She’s also the bush, boobs and nipples. Just scope out the NSFW version of the photo above along with the even more NSFW commercial after the jump. The spot is already banned from US television because, holy crap, it’s Eva Mendes totally freaking topless. Although, with our economy in its current state, you figure the FCC would want to encourage consumers to buy shit, but what do I know? I’m just a simple man who can bend steel in his bare hands. At any rate, here’s looking forward to her next campaign: Eva Mendes’ Clitoris for Michelin tires.

Thanks to everyone who wrote in on this one. You’re all on my Christmas list!

Eva Mendes is more than just the face for the new Calvin Klein Secret Obsession campaign. She’s also the bush, boobs and nipples. Just scope out the NSFW version of the photo above along with the even more NSFW commercial after the jump. The spot is already banned from US television because, holy crap, it’s Eva Mendes totally freaking topless. Although, with our economy in its current state, you figure the FCC would want to encourage consumers to buy shit, but what do I know? I’m just a simple man who can bend steel in his bare hands. At any rate, here’s looking forward to her next campaign: Eva Mendes’ Clitoris for Michelin tires.

Thanks to everyone who wrote in on this one. You’re all on my Christmas list!

These are shots of Spanish model Nereida Gallardo topless in Ibiza. You may remember Nereida from the bikini shots a few weeks back when she was vacationing with soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo - who just dumped her on her ass. Some say she’s prancing around topless to show him what he’s missing. While others say she’s just demonstrating Europeans less puritanical view of nudity. Allow me to provide my educated assessment: Whoopee!

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions. But, seriously, who needs a job when you can look at nipples? Words to live by, folks.

Suddenly, Jennifer Aniston’s nipple sonar went off: Somebody was popping nips and their names wasn’t Jennifer Aniston.

And then it happened: Jennifer Aniston’s assistant, clearly gone suicidal, attempted to block the nipples with her purse. Her body would later be found in a sand dune on a Mexican beach. The police deduced the culprit’s identity by the two punctures wound in the back, but who would dare prosecute? Anyone worth their badge knew you didn’t go after the nipples. Not in this town. Not in any town…

Rihanna hit the clubs last night in New York City and apparently decided to fly sans bra. These pics might be considered LSFW depending on your boss’ vision. If he clearly sees nipples, that man’s in the wrong line of work and should be a goddamn Army sniper. I’ve been staring at these things for hours like it’s a Magic Eye picture. So far all I’ve seen is a tugboat, two polar bears kissing and Edgar Winter.

Here’s Jessica Alba out and about yesterday rocking a chest that says “Yes, I did recently squeeze a tiny person out of my pelvis. Thank you for asking.” Which, honestly, almost made me consider Jessica Alba a captivating individual. Keyword being: Almost.

Here’s musician James Blunt and Gary Dourdan (CSI) in Spain doing exactly what I’d be doing if I had cash pouring out my nostrils: Partying on a boat with topless chicks. Of course, I’d take it one step further by installing a torpedo launcher that I’d fire at dolphins, the smug bastards of the sea. Who’s the smart one now, fin ass?! Fire one! …. Where’s the “boom”? What do you mean I can’t load the tube with hand guns and steak knives?

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW unless you run a travel agency that specializes in exciting nipple-loaded destinations. In which case, what’s your most affordable package? I’ve got roughly $5.30 and these magic beans. Okay, they’re Raisinets.

These are topless photos of Maria Beatriz Anthony (a.k.a. Bia) sunbathing while on vacation with soccer star Ronaldo. (Not to be confused with Cristiano Ronaldo who’s nailing Nereida Gallardo. God, I hate soccer…) Anyway, Maria is pregnant with Ronaldo’s child, but according to The Spoiler, she dumped him because he was fooling around with transvestites. Yet he still gets to see some boob. Unbelievable. I remember one time I left the toilet seat, and you know what I got? A memo saying to stay out of the Ladies Room. Where’s the justice?!

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of Bia’s nipples that will pierce your heart. And I’m not being metaphorical, those fuckers are sharp.

These are pics of Italian actress/model Elisabetta Canalis wearing a bikini on the set of her latest movie. You may remember her from Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, or some crazy YouTube video where her breast keeps falling out on Italian television. Somebody get this woman an Oscar. No, make that all the Oscar.

NOTE: Aforementioned NSFW video after the jump. It may be in Italian, but it speaks the international language of “Holy shit, that’s a boob.” Mamma mia!

I really don’t know what to say about these pics of porn star Bridget the Midget’s flashing a boob this weekend. Mostly because I’m disappointed a unicorn didn’t fly out of her cleavage like these doodles I made on my Trapper Keeper. Although, technically, I believe Bridget’s obligated to at least shoot gold coins out of her nipple, if my interpretation of midget law isn’t mistaken. Which it could be because they write so. Damn. Small.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW version including one of Bridget’s tattoo of a dollar bill that’s cleverly replaced George Washington with, well, here’s a hint: that’s not a flower.

Rod Stewart and his wife English model Penny Lancaster were sailing in the Mediterranean over the weekend and apparently it was time for Rod’s feeding. While I assumed that would require the blood of peasant children, it was way, way weirder than that. Turns out Rod Stewart is breastfed by his wife. I’ll pause for a moment while you fuck the what. I guess growing old does come with some advantages - provided you’re a world-famous millionaire singer with a yacht. Otherwise, this experience doesn’t really translate well for us regular folks. Right, Grandpa? Hey, where’d you get a grenade?

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions that you can click on at your own risk - unless you hate having erections. Then by all means…

Thanks to Karen for making me suspicious of nursing homes. Or should I say - dens of iniquity? I blame the bread pudding.

Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr and boyfriend Orlando Bloom hit up Gran Canaria, Spain for some topless action. I love how she’s using a book to cover her fun parts. When I’m nude it requires the whole Encyclopedia Brittanica to cover my business. You know, once it loaded onto an iPod. I should really turn the AC down in my apartment. Yeah, that’s gotta be it…

NOTE: Pics link to uncensored NSFW versions which include a Miranda Kerr nipple and, for the ladies/Geekologist, an entire Orlando Bloom buttocks. Who loves ya?

Anyone get the feeling Gisele Bundchen is suggesting something directly to me, The Superficial Writer? It’s either something really awesome like Naked Battleship, or she needs a chiropractor. Who knows? But I better stare at these photos from the latest issue of GQ for a few more hours/days to be sure. In the meantime, scope out this excerpt from Gisele’s interview:

Forbes has reported that you made $35 million last year, more than twice as much as any other model in the world.
Do you think that’s important to me? Look, this is my job. I take pictures. There is no big deal. I would like to know who this reporter is finding out all of these amounts. And I would like him to talk to my accountant and figure out where is the cash that’s missing. Because I haven’t seen it.

Did I also mention Gisele has the world’s shittiest accountant and loves being robbed blind? Finally, a woman with money falling out of her vagina! And they all laughed at me. “That’s just some crazy sketch you made in the men’s room,” they said. Ha! Who’s laughing now? (Not counting Tom Brady whose about to suffer a horrible canoe accident. Anyone got a torpedo I can borrow?)

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions.

Keanu Reeves was spotted hanging out on the French Riviera with an unknown topless woman yesterday which forced top scientists to conclude that “Yes, that crazy ass Matrix shit is for real.”

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions that will make you wonder why Point Break isn’t considered biblical canon. Patch me through to the Pope.