These are publicity shots from Hustler’s politically-inspired porno Nailin’ Paylin’ starring Lisa Ann. Centuries from now, historians will unearth this patriotic display of free speech and remember what a proud and majestic democracy America once was. Then they’ll get space boners. True story.

NOTE: Last pic links to NSFW version of the first nipples I’ve ever seen that could fight their own war on terror - and win.

Jodie Marsh continued her silicon-fueled rampage through the English celebrity scene by attending soccer player Jermaine Defoe’s birthday party Sunday night. Wait, I didn’t know she did birthdays. She’d go perfect with my whiskey out of a brown bag at the strip club theme. Now, if only I could find Jodie in the Yellow Pages. Hmm… here we go: Right underneath “F” for “Funbags the Clown.”

NOTE: Third pic links to NSFW version that could be considered hot - if you’re oddly aroused by Frankenstein.

These are shots of Jennifer Aniston in Cabo over the weekend and… and… what in the-? Is anyone else seeing her vagina from an almost impossible angle? Seriously, is it lopsided, or do I need to start boiling some water? Ladies, you’re the experts here. No, wait, I mean, I’m the expert. Ha ha, I’ve seen hundreds of these. Let’s see, yup, there’s your problem: No unicorn jumping out of it. Probably want to get that looked at.

NOTE: Pic links to potentially NSFW version unless there’s such as a thing as “crotchular cellulite.” In which case, my bad, everybody.

It’s Friday, so for the hell of it, here’s an amusing video of Will Ferrell answering questions his “fans” submitted on the Internet. This almost makes up for Semi-Pro which is the cinematic equivalent of giving yourself a colonic with a Dust Buster. Roger Ebert, I hope you’re taking notes.

NOTE: Video is NSFW due to fellatio-oriented dialog.

Mischa Barton had a wardrobe malfunction last night after getting drunk at the Fashion for Relief show in London. Granted, it’s only a partial nip, but I edited 12 photos of Justin Gaston in his underwear this morning, so this is practically like Christmas for me. Or at least that’s what I’m telling people to explain why I’ll be dressed like Santa Claus and drinking on a park bench later. (The beard makes me feel fancy.)

NOTE: Pic links to NSFW version depending on your employer’s areola allowance.

Shauna Sand flashed her panties before arriving at Sunset One last night in a see-through outfit. Jesus. The only thing missing from these pics is Shauna having sex with a midget on top of a horse. Then again, it wasn’t a special occasion, so it looks like we’ll have to wait for Columbus Day. Aw, no fair…

NOTE: Pic links to potentially NSFW version because, without consulting a gynecologist, I can’t tell if that’s labia, or Shauna Sand is smuggling deli meat. It’s a toss-up.

British singer Lily Allen flashed the paparazzi her boob today while getting out of her car. Hey, tit happens, I completely understand. Those things pay my bills. But here’s what I don’t get: Later on, Lily does it again only this time with the other one! Jesus, lady. There’s an old saying: Boob me once, shame on you. Boob me twice, I’m gonna keep looking because, honestly, I’ve got nothing better to do, and I’m a dude.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions, so you might need a lookout.

Nereida Gallardo continues her epic quest to spend 90% of the summer totally topless in order to piss off ex-boyfriend Cristiano Ronaldo. I wish my exes flashed their boobs to get back at me. Boy, would I learn my lesson.

UPDATE: Did it work? Shit…

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions unless you work in a factory that builds topless Spanish models with augmented breasts. In which case, are you hiring?

Eva Mendes is more than just the face for the new Calvin Klein Secret Obsession campaign. She’s also the bush, boobs and nipples. Just scope out the NSFW version of the photo above along with the even more NSFW commercial after the jump. The spot is already banned from US television because, holy crap, it’s Eva Mendes totally freaking topless. Although, with our economy in its current state, you figure the FCC would want to encourage consumers to buy shit, but what do I know? I’m just a simple man who can bend steel in his bare hands. At any rate, here’s looking forward to her next campaign: Eva Mendes’ Clitoris for Michelin tires.

Thanks to everyone who wrote in on this one. You’re all on my Christmas list!

Eva Mendes is more than just the face for the new Calvin Klein Secret Obsession campaign. She’s also the bush, boobs and nipples. Just scope out the NSFW version of the photo above along with the even more NSFW commercial after the jump. The spot is already banned from US television because, holy crap, it’s Eva Mendes totally freaking topless. Although, with our economy in its current state, you figure the FCC would want to encourage consumers to buy shit, but what do I know? I’m just a simple man who can bend steel in his bare hands. At any rate, here’s looking forward to her next campaign: Eva Mendes’ Clitoris for Michelin tires.

Thanks to everyone who wrote in on this one. You’re all on my Christmas list!

These are shots of Spanish model Nereida Gallardo topless in Ibiza. You may remember Nereida from the bikini shots a few weeks back when she was vacationing with soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo - who just dumped her on her ass. Some say she’s prancing around topless to show him what he’s missing. While others say she’s just demonstrating Europeans less puritanical view of nudity. Allow me to provide my educated assessment: Whoopee!

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions. But, seriously, who needs a job when you can look at nipples? Words to live by, folks.

Here’s musician James Blunt and Gary Dourdan (CSI) in Spain doing exactly what I’d be doing if I had cash pouring out my nostrils: Partying on a boat with topless chicks. Of course, I’d take it one step further by installing a torpedo launcher that I’d fire at dolphins, the smug bastards of the sea. Who’s the smart one now, fin ass?! Fire one! …. Where’s the “boom”? What do you mean I can’t load the tube with hand guns and steak knives?

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW unless you run a travel agency that specializes in exciting nipple-loaded destinations. In which case, what’s your most affordable package? I’ve got roughly $5.30 and these magic beans. Okay, they’re Raisinets.

These are the much ballyhooed photos of Sienna Miller hanging out topless in Portofino, Italy with married actor Balthazar Getty of ABC’s Brothers and Sisters. The dude has been denying in the press that he’s involved with Sienna, but just in case, his wife is flying to Italy to sort things out, according to NY Daily News. I hope she likes nipples.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions that, for some reason, make me see Gilligan’s Island in a whole new light.

Kate Moss wanted to get an even tan while boating in Italy and decided to unleash her crazy pointy nipples. Though I guess those things could come in handy at sea. She could always spear some sea bass or scrape barnacles off the hull. Nautical stuff. No, wait, Kate, don’t bend ove - D’oh! ABANDON SHIP! ABANDON SHIP! Who invited her again? Awesome, here’s an oar. Keep her away from the lifeboats. Peace!

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of Kate’s dagger nipples. Watch your eyes.

These are topless photos of Maria Beatriz Anthony (a.k.a. Bia) sunbathing while on vacation with soccer star Ronaldo. (Not to be confused with Cristiano Ronaldo who’s nailing Nereida Gallardo. God, I hate soccer…) Anyway, Maria is pregnant with Ronaldo’s child, but according to The Spoiler, she dumped him because he was fooling around with transvestites. Yet he still gets to see some boob. Unbelievable. I remember one time I left the toilet seat, and you know what I got? A memo saying to stay out of the Ladies Room. Where’s the justice?!

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of Bia’s nipples that will pierce your heart. And I’m not being metaphorical, those fuckers are sharp.

These are pics of Italian actress/model Elisabetta Canalis wearing a bikini on the set of her latest movie. You may remember her from Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo, or some crazy YouTube video where her breast keeps falling out on Italian television. Somebody get this woman an Oscar. No, make that all the Oscar.

NOTE: Aforementioned NSFW video after the jump. It may be in Italian, but it speaks the international language of “Holy shit, that’s a boob.” Mamma mia!

I really don’t know what to say about these pics of porn star Bridget the Midget’s flashing a boob this weekend. Mostly because I’m disappointed a unicorn didn’t fly out of her cleavage like these doodles I made on my Trapper Keeper. Although, technically, I believe Bridget’s obligated to at least shoot gold coins out of her nipple, if my interpretation of midget law isn’t mistaken. Which it could be because they write so. Damn. Small.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW version including one of Bridget’s tattoo of a dollar bill that’s cleverly replaced George Washington with, well, here’s a hint: that’s not a flower.

Rod Stewart and his wife English model Penny Lancaster were sailing in the Mediterranean over the weekend and apparently it was time for Rod’s feeding. While I assumed that would require the blood of peasant children, it was way, way weirder than that. Turns out Rod Stewart is breastfed by his wife. I’ll pause for a moment while you fuck the what. I guess growing old does come with some advantages - provided you’re a world-famous millionaire singer with a yacht. Otherwise, this experience doesn’t really translate well for us regular folks. Right, Grandpa? Hey, where’d you get a grenade?

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions that you can click on at your own risk - unless you hate having erections. Then by all means…

Thanks to Karen for making me suspicious of nursing homes. Or should I say - dens of iniquity? I blame the bread pudding.

Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr and boyfriend Orlando Bloom hit up Gran Canaria, Spain for some topless action. I love how she’s using a book to cover her fun parts. When I’m nude it requires the whole Encyclopedia Brittanica to cover my business. You know, once it loaded onto an iPod. I should really turn the AC down in my apartment. Yeah, that’s gotta be it…

NOTE: Pics link to uncensored NSFW versions which include a Miranda Kerr nipple and, for the ladies/Geekologist, an entire Orlando Bloom buttocks. Who loves ya?

Anyone get the feeling Gisele Bundchen is suggesting something directly to me, The Superficial Writer? It’s either something really awesome like Naked Battleship, or she needs a chiropractor. Who knows? But I better stare at these photos from the latest issue of GQ for a few more hours/days to be sure. In the meantime, scope out this excerpt from Gisele’s interview:

Forbes has reported that you made $35 million last year, more than twice as much as any other model in the world.
Do you think that’s important to me? Look, this is my job. I take pictures. There is no big deal. I would like to know who this reporter is finding out all of these amounts. And I would like him to talk to my accountant and figure out where is the cash that’s missing. Because I haven’t seen it.

Did I also mention Gisele has the world’s shittiest accountant and loves being robbed blind? Finally, a woman with money falling out of her vagina! And they all laughed at me. “That’s just some crazy sketch you made in the men’s room,” they said. Ha! Who’s laughing now? (Not counting Tom Brady whose about to suffer a horrible canoe accident. Anyone got a torpedo I can borrow?)

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions.