Like anyone with a pulse, I was about to pee myself in anticipation for Oprah Winfrey to weigh in on the Rihanna/Chris Brown scandal. Finally, that time has come. On her show Friday, The Big O laid it out… …read full story

Oprah Winfrey must be feeling the effects of her new diet because she practically proposed marriage to Kate Winslet’s breasts on her show yesterday. Us Magazine reports:

“I love the fact that you have real breasts, ’cause in all the breast scenes, your breasts do what real breasts do,” she said Tuesday on The Oprah Winfrey Show.
“There’s that wonderful thing, you know, if you are a woman, you’re lying on your back, your breasts they go to – they part – but if you look at a woman with not real breasts, their breasts are sticking straight up,” she told the actress, who won two Golden Globes Sunday. “That’s how you know. God bless your real breasts!”

Wait a minute, I see what’s happening here: Oprah’s after my job! Yeah, well, two can play at this game. I want everyone to reach under their seats - and pull out the keys to your new car! WHOO! Now, I realize some of you might not have keys under your chair and that’s because, congratulations, your parents told me you were adopted. True story.

See, Oprah? You’re not the only one who’s every woman. (Not counting my penis) It’s on!

- Jennifer Lopez, despite rumors to the contrary, is not getting a divorce, according to her rep. Oh, well, if her rep says so, then it must be true. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to get one of these rep people to tell a child support judge I’ve been sterile my entire life. Infallible logic wins again! [E! Online]

- Jessica Simpson’s boyfriend Dallas quarterback Tony Romo collapsed in the shower after suffering a rib injury in yesterday’s game against the Eagles. At this time, I’d like to point out to Jessica Simpson that all my ribs are in working order. Just putting it out there on the off-chance she learned to read recently. Ha, who am I kidding? [ESPN]

- Chris Martin can apparently walk among us normal folks without being recognized. Seems no one knows who the Coldplay singer is despite the fact he bangs Gwyneth Paltrow. I’m failing to see the problem here. Does he want people to know he diddles a woman who’s one Pilates class away from looking from Madonna? I’d keep that on the down-low, Jim. It’s Chris? Okay, sure. [Page Six]

- Oprah Winfrey has been duped by another memoir writer. After raving over Holocaust survivor Herman Rosenblat’s novel Angel on the Fence about meeting his wife in a concentration camp, the story has been debunked and pulled off bookshelves. Which is great, just great. Now who’s going to pitch my memoir Yes, Ladies, It’s That Big, Shoots Diamonds, Gives Back Rubs and Knows How to Maximize Deductions for the Tax Return You Deserve!? Sonofa…. [TMZ]

Oprah Winfrey has admittedly “fallen off the wagon” and now weighs in at 200 pounds. She opens up about her personal battle in the upcoming issue of O Magazine where she admits to over-eating and not being able to fit in her gown for President-elect Obama’s inauguration. The AP reports:

“I had a dress on the vision board, but I’m not sure that’s gonna fit,” Winfrey said. “So I have to work on something else.”
“I’m mad at myself,” Winfrey writes in an article provided early to The Associated Press by Harpo Productions.
“I’m embarrassed,” she writes. “I can’t believe that after all these years, all the things I know how to do, I’m still talking about my weight. I look at my thinner self and think, `How did I let this happen again?’”
In the piece, Winfrey, 54, details her recent struggles with an out-of-balance thyroid and how the condition made her develop “a fear of working out.” She says she’s added 40 pounds to her frame since she weighed 160 pounds in 2006.
“Yes, you’re adding correctly; that means the dreaded 2-0-0,” Winfrey writes. “I was so frustrated I started eating whatever I wanted — and that’s never good.”

Oprah added: “For starters, I’ve eaten half of this laptop I’m typing on. My studio audience from yesterday? Let’s just say they went beautifully with a delicious cranberry relish. Dr. Phil’s career? Drowned that mother in chocolate sauce then watched an entire season of Desperate Housewives. I never even left the couch!
But the important thing to remember is I’m still every woman - and also rich enough to get away with murder, so nobody make fun of my weight.”

Shit.

Filed under: Displays, Misc. Gadgets

Been waiting patiently for the next-generation Kindle(s) to hit the market? Growing increasingly frustrated with the wait? Thanks to the Amazon e-reader becoming Oprah Winfrey’s “new favorite, favorite thing in the world (can’t you see the jubilation on her face?),” you might just have to finally pull the trigger on the existing iteration. As a special offer for Oprah Show viewers (and by extension, everyone who reads this post), Amazon.com is now offering $50 off of the Kindle’s $359 price tag by simply entering the code OPRAHWINFREY at checkout and envisioning Tom Cruise leaping on your computer desk. Better act fast, though — the offer’s only good through November 1st, and yes, that Tom Cruise bit is required.

[Thanks, Chad]

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The Sarah Palin News Vortex has bagged another celebrity. And this time it’s a biggun’. Oprah Winfrey was ensnared in controversy this morning when the Drudge Report posted that the Big O, a vocal supporter of Barack Obama, is refusing to have Governor Palin on her show. Oprah fired off a statement to TMZ this afternoon denying the claims:

“The item in today’s Drudge Report is categorically untrue. There has been absolutely no discussion about having Sarah Palin on my show. At the beginning of this Presidential campaign when I decided that I was going to take my first public stance in support of a candidate, I made the decision not to use my show as a platform for any of the candidates. I agree that Sarah Palin would be a fantastic interview, and I would love to have her on after the campaign is over.”

Behind closed doors, Oprah then demanded the head of Matt Drudge on a silver platter before the sun sets. And maybe some onion rings.

David Blaine broke the Guiness World Record today for holding one’s breath. David held his breath underwater for 17 minutes 4 seconds. That’s pretty amazing considering one time I got water up my nose in the shower and fled my house in terror. Probably should’ve grabbed a towel first…. The AP reports:

The feat was broadcast live during “The Oprah Winfrey Show” and the studio audience cheered as divers pulled the 35-year-old magician from a water-filled sphere.
Blaine looked relaxed afterward and said the record was “a lifelong dream.”
Before he entered the sphere, Blaine inhaled pure oxygen through a mask to saturate his blood with oxygen and flush out carbon dioxide.

Unfortunately, David’s moment in the sun is about to be cut short. THIS JUST IN: Criss Angel has broken the record for most jewelry worn by one person. Moment’s ago, he stepped into a bar wearing the entire Claire’s charm bracelet collection. When asked to comment, Criss Angel responded by falling over in a crash of sparkly pandas and peace signs. He would later cough up a ruby-crusted family of unicorns before asking a woman for her number. SHAZAM!