Eva Longoria flashed her Spanx outside of Beso last night. For those of you who don’t wear a pair everyday like The Geekologie Writer, from Wikipedia:

SPANX, Inc. is a U.S. company which mainly manufactures footless pantyhose and other undergarments for women, particularly “body shaping” undergarments designed to give the wearer a slim and shapely appearance. The company’s products are supposedly marketed to fit contemporary female lifestyles and fashion trends.

For those of you wondering what shape Eva Longoria would be if she didn’t wear Spanx, my money’s on rhombus. Or octagon. It’s a toss-up.

Hayden Panettiere stopped by The Ellen Show where, on a dare, she flashed a pair of boxer briefs that read “Ellen” around the waist. While it sounds hot, the whole scene was awkwardly random and over as soon as it began. I included the video after the jump and, fortunately, the flashing goes down within the first minute because the rest of the clip made me want to slam my testicles in a car door. I can only assume Hayden realized she sucks on talk shows and took drastic action. If that’s the case, you know what really gets people’s attention? Having sex with a blogger. True story.

These are publicity shots from Hustler’s politically-inspired porno Nailin’ Paylin’ starring Lisa Ann. Centuries from now, historians will unearth this patriotic display of free speech and remember what a proud and majestic democracy America once was. Then they’ll get space boners. True story.

NOTE: Last pic links to NSFW version of the first nipples I’ve ever seen that could fight their own war on terror - and win.

Jodie Marsh continued her silicon-fueled rampage through the English celebrity scene by attending soccer player Jermaine Defoe’s birthday party Sunday night. Wait, I didn’t know she did birthdays. She’d go perfect with my whiskey out of a brown bag at the strip club theme. Now, if only I could find Jodie in the Yellow Pages. Hmm… here we go: Right underneath “F” for “Funbags the Clown.”

NOTE: Third pic links to NSFW version that could be considered hot - if you’re oddly aroused by Frankenstein.

Shauna Sand flashed her panties for the second time this week while getting out of her car at Katsuya. Someone needs to explain to Shauna this is only hot for celebrities who aren’t on the cusp of menopause. So, unless she has a machine that can reverse the effects of time or turn me into Lorenzo Lamas, seriously, cut that shit out. In the meantime, I like how she’s getting hit on by Marilyn Manson’s kid brother “Howie.”

SHAUNA: Go away.
HOWIE: My mom gave me twenty bucks.
SHAUNA: I immediately find you attractive.

Shauna Sand flashed her panties before arriving at Sunset One last night in a see-through outfit. Jesus. The only thing missing from these pics is Shauna having sex with a midget on top of a horse. Then again, it wasn’t a special occasion, so it looks like we’ll have to wait for Columbus Day. Aw, no fair…

NOTE: Pic links to potentially NSFW version because, without consulting a gynecologist, I can’t tell if that’s labia, or Shauna Sand is smuggling deli meat. It’s a toss-up.

Kourtney Kardashian, the oldest sister who doesn’t maintain a steady diet of an entire yak, flashed her panties yesterday while having lunch with her boyfriend in New York City. While these pictures look conclusive, I know this families propensity for bullshit. That’s a stunt crotch. Trust me, I’ve seen numerous female nether-regions in my day (Read: 1.5), and this one’s a fake. I bet it’s made of chicken wire and silly putty just like E.T. If you start seeing little kid take flight on their bikes, don’t be surprised. Also, call me so I can bust out my BMX. Whee!

Hayden Panettiere (seen here at last night’s ESPY awards) dropped her new music video “Wake Up Call” today, and I’ll be the first to admit the song is fucking clown shoes. That said, I definitely saw Hayden’s panties in the video, so who do I speak to about getting this thing an Oscar? It’s hands down the greatest visual experience I’ve had since that time I watched BBC’s Planet Earth on acid - which was this morning. On a related note, I’m a wombat.

Video after the jump.

Audrina Patridge of The Hills, and more importantly this bikini post, flashed her panties while getting out of her car over the weekend. I don’t like to acknowledge Audrina’s existence or any other “stars” of The Hills and, to prove that, I’m going to post an internal memo that’s shooting around our office. Consider this a “behind the scenes” look at The Superficial:

MEMORANDUM

TO: The Superficial Writer

FROM: The Superficial Writer

RE: The Hills and the asshats upon which it contains.

Henceforth, no person of questionable celebrity from the MTV show The Hills will be posted on The Superficial without meeting the strictest of guidelines. This applies to Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt, Audrina Patridge, Lauren Conrad and the other people whose names will never be important enough to remember. In fact, I’m embarrassed to know the four I just listed. On to the guidelines:

1. Fake jugs must be prominently displayed in a bikini. (See: Heidi, Audrina. Don’t see: Lauren.)

2. Panty flashification.

3. Sex tapes - but only if clip is provided. The Superficial retains the right to not air clip if it shows Spencer’s penis. (Edit: The Geekologie Writer and the science dept. has classified Spencer’s penis in the same category as unicorns: Totally fucking made up.)

4. Toplessness.

5. Bottomlessness.

6. Something really unbelievably awesome happens. i.e. Heidi gets hit in the mouth with a space shuttle, Lauren does something that doesn’t put me to sleep, Audrina’s eye unwonks itself, etc.

If none of these conditions are present, the existence of the aforementioned asshats will be denied. In essence, we’re now in the business of doing God’s work but with an eye towards boobs. Ha! You just got pwned, Big Guy.

END MEMO

Kim Kardashian revealed on this weekend’s episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians that she has cellulite treatment done on her planet-sized posterior. I’m just as shocked as you are. But for those of you wanting an up-close look at Kim’s ass, definitely scope out the video after the jump of her full-on butt-sanding. If this episode doesn’t win an Emmy, there is no God. Okay, maybe there is and he’s a jerk that hates fat chicks. I dunno, I’m not a priest - yet. I’m applying online to be one right now actually. Okay, here’s the final question: “Can you make shit up?” Hell yeah I can! *clicks ‘Yes’* Boom! I’m an ordained minister! Kickass! Anyone got a baby I can baptize? We’ll have to use my garden hose, but don’t worry, I’ll bless it first.

These are a few days old and I tried to avoid them, but after a barrage of e-mails, I realized you guys are cuckoo for some Emma “Hi, I just turned 18 this weekend when these pics were taken” Watson vagina action. For those of you who don’t know who Emma is, she plays Hermoine in the family-friendly Harry Potter films. For you male Potter fans out there, I’m sure this is your first look at a vagina. If you’re frightened, don’t feel bad about running back to your broomsticks. There’s just something about those long hard objects that just feels right to you, isn’t there? It’s okay, nobody’s judging you. Which is more than I can say to anybody that actually clicks to the uncensored pics.

NOTE: First three pics are NSFW because of the vagina magic.

After leaving the hospital yesterday, Britney Spears showed the paparazzi at the Beverly Hills Hotel that she’s no longer going commando and wears panties. How much those panties cover is up for debate. Feel free to scrutinize these pictures yourself. I, on the other hand, am going to pour steaming hot coffee into my eyes. Mostly because of the Brit-gina but also for the caffeine rush. Nothing like a hot cup of joe in your retina. That’s what my uncle alway says. Good ol’ Blind-as-Fuck.

NOTE: These pics are slightly NSFW. Unless you work in the field of gynecology then they’re unfortunately appropriate for your work day. My condolences.

Tara Reid got drunk last night in London and flashed her venomous nether regions while getting out of a car. Tara Reid was allegedly sober once. It was during the first few minutes of her birth. Though I hear five bottles of whiskey fell out of her mom’s uterus when they cut the umbilical cord. Years later a pony keg was also found in her fallopian tube. Sadly, it was kicked.

Britney Spears was a perpetual whirlwind of paparazzi, torn fishnets and a fake British accent as she shopped at Kitson late last night. She also debunked the pregnancy test rumors that her and Adnan definitely started. Here’s the brief Q&A she had with photographers, according to Us Magazine:

Q: Britney, what do you want to say to Adnan on TV?
B: (Thinks for a second) “I think he’s a nice person.”
Q: What was the result of your pregnancy test?
B: “I never had a pregnancy test.”
Q: Britney, what are you going to do now? Go to college?
B: (sighing) “Oh, I wish I was in college.”
Two random guys then approached and joked “Britney, you don’t like black guys?
“Yeah, I like black guys,” she said, laughing.

Britney Spears holds secret aspirations of higher learning. Who knew? I can see Britney taking college courses. They offer degrees for looking like a retarded stripper, right? I forget. There’s only three things I remember about college. Jager, the time I peed myself, and this girl who got naked in my dorm room once – wait, I already said the time I peed myself. Make that two things I remember about college.

NOTE: Shots of Britney’s ass here and here. In case your eyes really pissed you off today.

These are the final round of shots from Victoria’s Secret model Karolina Kurkova’s three-day photo shoot in St. Barts. I bet if you removed her panties an angel would fly out of her vagina. Of course, I’d shoot the angel mid-flight with my laser wang and watch it fall into the ocean. Sometimes I like to send God a message that I don’t appreciate winged creatures interrupting my sexual conquests. Like the time a dragon cock-blocked me with Jessica Simpson. I chopped off its head with a broken whiskey bottle and breathed fire down its neck. True story.

These are shots of Victoria’s Secret model Karolina Kurkova at a photo shoot in Saint Barts yesterday. I enjoy how she gets dressed in a giant collapsible tube. It’s almost like she’s in the future. I can’t wait until the day we all can wake up in the morning, step into a tube and be instantly dressed for work. For now I’ll have to settle for changing out of my PJ’s in the janitor’s closet. Though I wish he wouldn’t watch while quietly sipping his coffee. At least toss me a compliment or something. I may seem like just a glistening collection of biceps and abdominal muscles, but I have feelings too, you know?

Amy Winehouse flashed her panties again yesterday which surprisingly didn’t fully assault my eyes considering she looked somewhat pulled together. Of course, by about five a.m. she was wandering around a newsstand like a caveman who just discovered fire. After spending no less than an hour trying to figure out how a tiny version of her got into all these glossy pieces of paper, Amy made a sensible purchase of an economy-size box of popsicles. You know, so she can start the day off with a healthy breakfast. Why isn’t she hosting her own children’s show? I would totally let my kid watch it. Mostly to developmentally handicap him amongst his peers as payback for destroying my wife’s vagina. But for the life lessons as well.

Katie Price purposely flashed her panties outside of a London club last night. I guess since she’s getting a breast reduction, she figured she’d show off her vagina. Makes sense. But seriously, what is she even doing? Is there a toilet on that van or something and she really has to pee? Or is that a hemorrhoid
donut – Holy shit, it is! Whiskey. I need whiskey now! Pour it in my eyes! Hold on, brain, liquor’s coming! Don’t stop pouring until I forget my name. If I try to dry-hump the coffee table, that means it’s working.

Amy Winehouse visited her husband in prison yesterday and by now you’re probably feeling a strange, burning sensation in your retina. Maybe it’s because you’re looking at Amy Winehouse’s nether-regions. No need to thank me. I’m just doing my part to get everyone in the Christmas spirit. Now let’s go drink some egg-nog then, I dunno, pour bleach in our eyes. Fa la la la la!

Okay, let’s get what you really care about out of the way first. I’m not even sure if Britney Spears is wearing underwear or not in the upskirt shot. However, if you’re all about vast amounts of inner thigh, you’ve struck gold. Moving on. Britney passed her drug test over the weekend and visited her kids today while under supervision. TMZ reports:

We’re also told Britney is currently with her children and a parenting coach and all is going fine. She has visitation from morning till early evening. Spears also had similar visitation yesterday and last Saturday, and she has accepted the fact that a parenting coach will be watching and making suggestions.

As we first reported, Britney would not open the door for the children last Thursday because she didn’t want anyone to tell her how to raise her kids.

It looks like Britney is getting her act together. Yeah, maybe she should hide her crotch from public view, but after these recent developments, let her be. This could all very well end with Britney becoming a clean, sober, responsible mother that only occasionally wants you to see her vagina. I can live with that. I mean, it’s not exactly the Sistene Chapel down there and my eyes burn a little, but at least her children are safe. In the oven. Where she left them.