Paris Hilton isn’t taking her split with Benji Madden late last week sitting down. In fact, she celebrated the break-up by prancing around dressed as some kind of slutty meter maid for the opening of the Pussycat Dolls Lounge at the Viper Room in L.A. on Sunday night. Good for you, Paris; after being a relationship that couldn’t be captured in its entirety on a sex tape for once in your life, your reputation was in serious danger. People might have started thinking that you weren’t a walking magnet for every penis within a two-mile radius. And with America’s current financial crisis, there’s no telling how that might effect the Dow Jones. Way to serve your country, Paris. You’re practically George Washington. With bigger tits.

P.S.: Have a thing for bad girls? Yeah, of course you do—they’re truly God’s gift. Check out the new season of Bad Girls Club, starting December 2 at 10 p.m./9 p.m. central.

Paris Hilton isn’t taking her split with Benji Madden late last week sitting down. In fact, she celebrated the break-up by prancing around dressed as some kind of slutty meter maid for the opening of the Pussycat Dolls Lounge at the Viper Room in L.A. on Sunday night. Good for you, Paris; after being a relationship that couldn’t be captured in its entirety on a sex tape for once in your life, your reputation was in serious danger. People might have started thinking that you weren’t a walking magnet for every penis within a two-mile radius. And with America’s current financial crisis, there’s no telling how that might effect the Dow Jones. Way to serve your country, Paris. You’re practically George Washington. With bigger tits.

P.S.: Have a thing for bad girls? Yeah, of course you do—they’re truly God’s gift. Check out the new season of Bad Girls Club, starting December 2 at 10 p.m./9 p.m. central.

With the holiday season rapidly approaching, nobody cares more about you looking awesome than The Superficial. No, really, that’s science. Which is why we’re offering you a chance to win $500 towards Botox treatment at a physician near you. (And, sorry, Sharon Stone, you can’t use it on your son’s feet..)

Starting Monday, Nov. 24 until 12 PM PST Monday, Dec. 1, here’s all you gotta do to enter:

1. Come up with a caption for the top photo.
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From there our crack team will pick the best caption with the winner receiving the aforementioned Botox goodness. To sweeten the pot, the winner will also be eligible to appear in a before/after post on The Superficial which, let’s be real, kicks the crap out of winning the lottery. (Don’t want your beautiful mug plastered on the Internet? No problem. We’ll still give you the free Botox. Who loves ya?)

Let the Games Begin!

Last night fashion designer Christian Audigier threw his daughter Crystal Rock a 16th birthday party in Hollywood that makes every single episode of My Super Sweet 16 look like it was filmed at Chuck E. Cheese. Take a look at what he sprung for:

1. Two cars delivered by Paris and Nicky Hilton. Who doesn’t love a grim look at the future?
2. T.I. Because sweet 16’s are totally gangsta, dawg.
3. The Pussycat Dolls. What’s a birthday party without strippers? Mazal tov!
4. Miley Cyrus’ boyfriend Justin Gaston. Minus the Miley, add extra gay.
5. Khloe Kardashian. So everyone felt more beautiful by comparison. Good thinking.

Jesus, with a shindig like this I’m surprised there wasn’t a secret room full of blood diamonds and baby panda skins. Her parents must hate her.

Paris Hilton called into Ryan Seacrest’s radio show this morning to set the record straight on her relationship with Benji Madden. Supposedly, the two are “just talking a break,” and Paris hinted they could get back together, according to E! News:

“He is an incredible person, and we will always be really close,” Hilton said. “We will see what happens in the future. I am still in love with him.”
As for why they decided to go their separate ways for now…
“He has been working nonstop with his brother on his new record. I am working and traveling,” she said. “All these reports that say I dumped him aren’t true. This is a decision we made together as adults.”

The last time I was on a “break” from a relationship, I sat around in my boxers for days on end building LEGOs and watching porn. (Its been five years, but I know she’ll call me back as soon as her husband gives her the message.) I’m sure Benji Madden’s doing the same thing - or he’s frantically searching for a hooker that won’t make him wear a HAZMAT suit. I’m not a mind reader.

Fresh off his breakup with Paris Hilton, Benji Madden went out in Hollywood as a single man last night, and if I were him, I’d be grinning like I got doused in the face with Smylex gas. But probably even more so considering he just escaped the vaginal equivalent of a rusty bear trap - tied to a land mine.

THE SUPERFICIAL: 2008 WINNER AMERICAN GYNECOLOGICAL AND OBSTETRICAL SOCIETY AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN LADY PARTS REPORTING

Paris Hilton and Benji Madden officially threw in the towel yesterday, according to her rep. While Paris was recently spotted with her ex Stavros Niarchos over the weekend, friends say that had nothing to do with the breakup. Which I entirely believe based solely on the fact that Benji Madden looks like Uncle Fester: Hot Topic Edition. Us Magazine reports:

“Even though they are still in love, they felt it would be better to just be friends,” a source close to Hilton, 27, tells Us.
“Benji was overprotective and controlling. He doesn’t get along with any of her friends,” the source tells Us. “Friends thought Paris had changed since being with Benji and she wants to be herself again.”
The couple stayed faithful to each other, stresses the source. Hilton was spotted with her ex, shipping heir Stavros Niarchos, in Miami over the weekend, while Madden, 29, hung in NYC with his bro, Joel (beau of Hilton’s best friend, Nicole Richie).
“Nothing went on between Paris and Stav in Miami,” the source tells Us. “She was there for a girls weekend with her BFFs.”

Benji Madden must really be kicking himself now for breaking up with Sophie Monk. And by kicking himself I of course mean staring down his pants and crying “Please grow back, penis. I’ll be good! Honest.”

I imagine you could probably fry an egg on Benji Madden’s bald Elmer Fudd head right about now. These are pics of Paris Hilton getting cozy with her ex Stavros Niarchos at a club in Miami over the weekend, according to The Sun:

Greek shipping heir Stavros - who dated Paris in 2006 - made a beeline for Paris after they both attended the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show in Miami.
A source said: ” Stavros looked thrilled to see Paris again and was spotted stroking her hair.
“They then looked deep in conversation.”

I know what some of you are thinking “Maybe they were just talking.” Really? Think about that one for a second: Who approaches Paris Hilton with the intent of hearing words come out of her mouth? I could go out back and talk to my garden hose for an hour, and it’d be a richer experience. (Read: I’d call him “Hosey.”)

So apparently Paris Hilton has landed another movie role, this time co-starring with Pee-Wee Herman himself, Paul Reubens. From The Scoop:

Paris Hilton either has the best agent ever, or she’s better in auditions than she is in films themselves, because the woman keeps getting parts. Next up, a new film from Todd Solondz, who brought you “Happiness” (it was the opposite of happy, if you haven’t seen it). And, if you’ve heard what I’m about to say already, stay with me because it bears repeating. Hilton will be co-starring with Paul Reubens. Yes. Pee-Wee Herman. Almost makes you wish she’d keep doing commercials for John McCain…

Yeah, sure, I could probably make a joke about Paris Hilton still getting movie roles despite her last film being the 15th worst movie ever made. But instead, here are some photos of her pumping gas. Yay, I did it, I’m the best!

Paris Hilton’s little brother Barron celebrated his birthday last night at Apple Lounge in LA. Being the bestest big sister in the whole wide world, Paris showed up to the party - but only to use it as a backdrop for her reality show Paris Hilton’s My British BFF. Jesus. It’s bad enough she leeched off her little brother, but it wasn’t even for the American version of the show. That’s a kick in the junk. Sort of like the time my dad ran over the dog on my eighth birthday. Okay, maybe it’s nothing like that time. But, while we’re on the subject, let’s agree my therapist is really the one who should “quit crying about it to hookers.”

Paris Hilton’s new movie Repo: The Genetic Opera finally premiered last night in Vegas, and seriously, I feel like I’ve been hearing about this thing since 1986. That said, what the hell is going on with her face? Maybe it’s just a poor choice in make-up but it’s evolving into something that ain’t pretty. It’s like Paris Hilton is one of those mutants from X-Men, but with the ability to make my penis sob uncontrollably. Will she use her powers for good - or for evil? Stay tuned!

Like every good American should’ve done yesterday, Paris Hilton went to her county registrar in Norwalk to cast her vote. Although I’m not exactly sure why she’s being escorted by security. Is her vote really the vote we as America need to be protecting? I mean, yeah, a ballot with a drawing of a chihuahua wearing a crown and surrounded by floating hearts is important, but this is a bit much. A more appropriate response would’ve just been to point her to a bathroom stall and see if she noticed the difference.

Paris Hilton set the cutlets to “Hello!” last night while making an appearance on David Letterman. And, I gotta tell you, I’m starting to love these Paris/Dave interviews. Mostly because he drops a ton of backhanded compliments, and she just giggles like a vapid mountain of dumb. But I did learn something, turns out 300,000 people auditioned for Paris Hilton’s My New BFF. That’s over a quarter of a million Americans who think hanging out with the human equivalent of a Port-A-John is the zenith of living.

Dear Terrorists,

You may be onto something.

Love,
The Superficial Writer

Video after the jump.

While in London filming Paris Hilton’s British BFF, LongLegs HerpFoot sat down for an interview with News of the World where she discussed her love life, having kids and joining forces with Katie Price:

On relationships:
“Every other guy I’ve been out with has used me for money or sex - but in most cases they just want fame. It made it hard to trust people.”

On Rick Salomon:
“I loved this guy for three years but he betrayed me. Rick’s a scumbag and I hate him. It was just the most horrible thing that’s ever happened to me. So humiliating and embarrassing. But at the end of the day, I didn’t do anything wrong.”

On her future with Benji Madden:
“I’m so relieved I don’t have to think about that now because I’ve found someone who loves me for me. Benji’s my best friend and I know he’d never hurt me. I’d love to start a family in the next year. And I want to get married before we have kids—I want three or four.”

On the Prince William rumors:
“I was sitting at my table, looked up and there was the Prince. I couldn’t believe it. People made out that he was flirting but he’s an absolute gentleman and wouldn’t do that. He just came over to introduce himself. He knew about my show and why I was in London so we talked about that for a while. He’s just a really sweet down-to-earth guy. So is Harry.”

On clubbing with Katie “Jordan” Price:
“I consider Jordan as one of my friends. A lot of people say mean things about her but there’s a lot of jealousy out there. She warned me about the hangers-on but she was like my own private bodyguard and told all of them, ‘Leave her alone!’ She was really protective. I think she’s really smart and beautiful—but we only kissed on the cheek, nothing more than that because I have a boyfriend!”

Whoa whoa whoa. Anything I say about Katie Price is not out of jealousy. If I wanted to be like her, I’ve got two beach balls and a staple gun out in my garage. Just sayin’. In the meantime, Christ! Paris wants FOUR kids?! Good game, civilization as a whole. It’s been real.

I know what you’re thinking: “He said no more Halloween costumes! But I still want to massage his steel abs with my face.” It’s cool. This is actually Paris Hilton’s idea of casual attire while she went shopping last night at Trashy Lingerie in Hollywood. Somebody obviously made her eat a hamburger because she looks significantly better than the pics from Thursday outside her London hotel. Or she’s simply not having a flare-up. I’m not a doctor.

An Exclusive Behind the Scenes Look at Why You’re Staring at Paris’ Crusty Armpit:

Just after the Aubrey O’Day post, I’m sifting through photos that are available to me from various sources, and I come across a set of Heidi and Spencer pics which are stupid tempting on a day like today. But then I remembered, when it comes to these Fuck-faces, I’ve already been like the boyfriend who promised he wouldn’t cheat on you again - then banged your sister. (Twice.) So instead, I found shots of Paris Hilton in the wee hours of the morning outside her hotel in London. I guess they don’t make clear stick deodorant across the pond, or she’s not allowed in drug stores for fear of contamination. Either way: You’re welcome!

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Forget withdrawing our troops from Iraq, there’s a much more important evacuation plan underway. Showbiz Spy reports:

Paris Hilton is planning a permanent move to London.

The hotel heiress is currently in the British capital filming her new TV show Paris Hilton’s My New BBF (British Best Friend).

And she is ready to leave Hollywood for good and settle down in the UK.

She told friends, “I love it here, I am going to move here permanently. I have already been here for one month and am much, much happier here.

“I love guys with English accents.

“I have met a really cute English guy, but it’s early days.”

The only question is whether pushing Paris Hilton onto another country constitutes an act of biological warfare. But that’s really a minor concern. If she makes good on this, I pledge to donate a kidney to an organ-transplant facility. Not my own, mind you—probably one from the homeless guy who’s always passed in my doorway. Hey, it’s not like she’s taking Heidi Montag with her.

Onch, whose favorite color is “rainbow,” started his own business designing jewelry for hipsters and celebrities alike. The colorful bisexual boy from Hacienda Heights, Calif., loves rubbing elbows with the rich and famous, but he’s tired of the club scene. And don’t dare call him “fabulous” … he prefers the term “pomp.” Onch’s outgoing nature exposes him as the fun-loving dork that he is, and he is one of two contestants with a dog named Paris. But will his flamboyant nature be too much for the real Paris Hilton?

OMG so hotness! Onch totally has to win Paris Hilton’s My New BFF! Can you imagine how much trouble Onch could get Paris Hilton in? Now that would be hot!
So tune into Paris Hilton’s My New BFF Tuesdays on MTV at 10p to see if Onch makes the cut and what other hot thing’s Onch does!

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