Pete Wentz stopped by John Mayer’s house yesterday to do some jamming. They also played guitar. Hi-OH! Anyway, two observations on our boy Pete here: 1. Was it really necessary to bring his own yogurt? John Mayer’s rich. I’m sure he’s got some Yoplait, or a butler that can drive to the store. 2. Didn’t Pete just get married? Shouldn’t he being home having worry-free newlywed sex with Ashlee Simpson? I mean, she can’t get pregnant twice. Can she? Please say “no,” or I need to stop hanging around the gynecologist’s office. And possibly move to Phoenix - tonight.

The whole Simpson crew partied at the grand opening of the Palm Place Hotel & Spa in Vegas where their new douche-in-law Pete Wentz DJ’d the event. Pete wanted to make sure everyone know that he’s fallen hard for Joe Simpson. Hard enough to play some Huey Lewis & The News which technically makes them married in the state of Vermont. I have no actual data to back that up. People reports:

Playing “Power of Love,” Wentz said into the microphone, “This is dedicated to my father in law Joe Simpson. I definitely have the power of love for you.”
He later dedicated a song to his “baby momma,” who was sitting in VIP with her mom drinking water.

And speaking of his “baby momma,” Ashlee Simpson officially announced the cancellation of her summer tour. So, condolences to the five people who bought tickets:

“After careful consideration, Ashlee Simpson has decided to postpone her summer tour,” the singer’s publicist said in a statement Saturday. “She is committed to giving her fans the best show possible, and will be back better than ever and ready to rock in the future.”

When I mentioned the whole Simpson crew was present, I, of course, meant Jessica as well who was bombarded by fans asking her to hold their babies. I imagine these photo sessions went a little something a like this: “Oh’s y’all, it’s Jessica SImpson, y’all. Oh, I just loves y’all. Holds my baby, y’all. I know, y’all, it must be tough, y’all, not having your own baby y’all. Smile for the camera, dear. Oh, y’all, that Tony Romo cheating on you y’all. Smile for Gramma, cutie. Y’alls being dumb as a hammer y’all. Hang in there y’all. Always adopt y’all. God bless y’all. Ooh, let’s play Keno, y’all. I hope they have a y’all buffet y’all.” It’s almost like you’re there, isn’t it? Yeah, uh, my bad. Gotta stop doing that….

While this comes as a shock to absolutely no one, Ashlee and Pete Wentz finally confirmed they have a bun in the oven last night on their website FriendsOrEnemies.com:

“While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child. This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family.”

- Pete and Ashlee Wentz

This news confirms that their asshat video about making a baby was, in fact, a sad indicator of the future. Super duper. I’m overjoyed for their unborn fetus. Go ahead and take a good look at your father, kid. I believe there’s a technical term for your situation. What was it again? Oh, right: UNBELIEVABLY FUCKED. Good luck with that.

Ashlee Simpson is officially Ashlee Wentz. In a move destined to doom her even further into obscurity than her music career already has, Ashlee felt it wise to take on the name of her new husband - seen here with a plate over his face. He did get my letters! People reports:

Pete Wentz says he left the name change decision to his wife. “These decisions with Ashlee and her name are all completely up to Ashlee,” Wentz says. “I want her to do these kinds of things the way she wants to do them.”
Still, he admits, he was flattered. “Oh man, I was like upgrade me! You know what I’m saying? The Wentz family, our Christmas card just got upgraded!” he says. “It feels insane. It feels unreal.”

For those of you unable to zoom in, or with poor vision, Pete’s paper plate mask reads “Your ad could be here. E-mail Jon@Douchebag.com.” When I read something like that and hear Pete say “Upgrade me!,” I can’t help but feel overjoyed that these two reproduced. (Side note: I express joy through punching. Vigorous punching.) Now where’s the happy couple? I’ve got some brass joy I can’t wait to share with them. Ha ha! So happy!

Joe Simpson is a friggin’ genius. Not only does he sell photo rights of his daughter’s wedding to People, but also of Jessica Simpson drunk as shit at the reception - which makes the cover. Awww. Ashlee’s wedding really was a magical princess fairy tale dream come true. For Joe Simpson. Except that part where his little girl married some asshat, whats-his-name? Right, Chins Magoo.

Joe Simpson is a friggin’ genius. Not only does he sell photo rights of his daughter’s wedding to People, but also of Jessica Simpson drunk as shit at the reception - which makes the cover. Awww. Ashlee’s wedding really was a magical princess fairy tale dream come true. For Joe Simpson. Except that part where his little girl married some asshat, whats-his-name? Right, Chins Magoo.

Well, it’s official: Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz tied the knot. I didn’t really think this counted as news until I found out Jessica Simpson was involved AND brought Tony Romo as her date despite reports he banged half of Chicago. Now that’s love. Anyway, People has the nuptial details complete with baby rumors:

Simpson, 23, wore an ivory lace wedding gown by Monique Lhuillier and jewels by William Noble as she and Wentz, 28, exchanged vows in front of 150 guests at her parents’ Los Angeles area home.
Dad Joe Simpson performed the non-denominational ceremony, while sister Jessica served as maid of honor. Wentz’s English bulldog, Hemingway, was the ring-bearer. Guests included Jessica’s boyfriend, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden, as well as actor Donald Faison with girlfriend CaCee Cobb.
Simpson, who sources say is pregnant with the couple’s first child, and Wentz, the bassist for Fall Out Boy, have been linked since the fall of 2006, when they were spotted kissing at a New York nightclub. They announced their engagement last month.

Being the selfless, loving father that he is, Joe Simpson sold the photo rights to Ashlee and Pete’s wedding, so, since we can’t see any yet, I included shots that’ll help us pretend we’re there - which I’m totally doing. Yup, I can see it now: The happy couple are exchanging hand-written vows at the altar while I sit quietly in my pew ogling Jessica Simpson’s breasts. And, aww, Tony Romo saw me and is getting ready to Hail Mary the ring bearer at my face. *sniff* I love weddings.

EDIT: Added pics of Tony and Jessica arriving together. Is it me or is she burping in these photos? God, she’s perfect…

Pete Wentz (full name Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz III, I shit you not) had a bachelor party thrown for him last night with his dad (pink shirt) and future father-in-law Joe Simpson. No doubt, Pete’s father did backflips when he learned Pete was marrying a girl then immediately stormed down to the VFW and punched out everyone that ever mocked him. Even though he never served in the military and typically drinks at Applebee’s. Anyway, I can just picture the words of excitement coming out of Pete’s mouth during this momentous occasion of male-bonding:

“Oh, lookee, father! A stripper establishment. Goody-gum-drops. I do so hope we can put dollar bills into their panties. Oh, can we, father? I’d be the happiest boy in the world! I would, I would.”

But, no, seriously. Congratulations, Pete, and if I ever see you, I’ll hit you in the face with your own neon-blue-laced hightops. Cheers!

First, sorry for two Ashlee Simpson ’s post in a row. Totally unplanned. Please, don’t kill me. Anyway, Ashlee and Pete Wentz are reportedly walking down the aisle next week! Somebody apparently whipped out the shotgun and my money’s on Joe Simpson. And, no, not for his daughter’s honor. Ha ha. That’s rich. Seriously, you should be writing this instead of me. Hollyscoop reports:

A source close to the couple has told Hollyscoop exclusively, “The wedding invitations have been sent out, its taking place the weekend of May 16. The location will not be revealed until the day of the wedding but guests are told it will be an hour drive from Los Angeles.”
Our source also confirmed that Ashlee is 100% pregnant. Papa Joe is probably busy selling off the wedding info and pictures as we speak so expect to see it in the tabloids Memorial weekend.

Joe Simpson is probably the coolest dad in the world. Not only does he sell the photo rights to his daughter’s unborn child but to her shotgun wedding as well. This is almost better than the gift he got Ashlee for her Sweet 16. Which was a boob job for her sister Jessica. God, that’s sweet. *sniff* And my own father wouldn’t even play catch with me… I can’t help it I’ve got flippers for arms!

Ashlee Simpson continued to play cute about the rumors that she’s pregnant. You know, the ones that conveniently started spreading around the release of her new album. When asked if she was pregnant on Ellen Degeneres today, Ashlee wouldn’t give a definitive answer. God willing, she’ll be able to milk this until her next mediocre album in 2010. Us Magazine reports:

“Do I look like I had 10 cheeseburgers or something … because I don’t think I do,” before standing up.
Pointing to a photo of Jennifer Lopez, DeGeneres then asked, “You’re not going to keep this answer up as long as this woman did….”
Laughing, Simpson replied, “No, I’m not. I swear. I promise you that. I give you my pinky on that.”

After the show, Ellen decided to take Ashlee up on her offer and cut off her pinky for collateral. Pete Wentz heroically came to the rescue by whipping out his penis*. This caused Ellen to emit an ear-piercing shriek before changing into a bat and vanishing into the night. For such are the ways of her kind.**

*Presence of male genitalia assumed for comedic purposes only.

**Some scientists claim lesbians actually change into werewolves. The Superficial will not choose a side in this hotly contested debate until further research is conducted. Preferably in the form of pudding wrestling and/or nude decathlons.

Ashlee Simpson stopped by The Today Show this morning where she showed off her new engagement ring from Pete Wentz who did a great job, says Ashlee. Well, in lesbian relationships you can always count on your partner to know what a woman wants. Ashlee also played coy about the recent pregnancy rumors:

“That’s been going around for a year now. Only time will tell with that. But I am giving birth to my new record!”

So, wait. The CD will come out of her vagina? *HORF* I’ll take two.

Joe Simpson, that old codger, is at it again. This time around he’s trying to broker deals with the tabloids to get daughter Ashlee on the cover when her baby is born. Pete Wentz denied the pregnancy rumors right after the news broke this week. But Joe’s wheeling and dealing seems to be the nail in the coffin. Or penis in the vagina, if you will. Page Six reports:

A magazine source said, “Joe is contacting all the weeklies and asking them to pony up $1 million to put Ashlee on the cover. The deal would include photos of Ashlee - taken by Joe, of course, so he can make more money - an interview and photos of the baby when she has it,” our source said.

Sadly, for Joe it turns out Ashlee Simpson isn’t big news ah shit what? Dammit, too late now:

One magazine editor said the pictures would fetch “$60,000 maybe - but definitely not a million. The timing is a little suspicious. Her album [’Bittersweet World’] is dropping next week, and there was little to no interest until now. Ashlee’s lucky she got pregnant, frankly.”

Whoa whoa whoa, “lucky” to get pregnant? C’mon, that’s not cool. Nobody’s ever “lucky” to get pregnant. That’s like saying, “Oh, wow, Bill’s lucky to have pancreatic cancer.” Jesus, man, have a heart.

Pete Wentz denied the Ashlee Simpson pregnancy reports yesterday but, as of this post, Us Weekly is sticking to its story. Here’s what Pete had to say to MTV News:

“There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood,” he wrote. “This is all news to me. I can’t wait for the story about how I’m really in a gay relationship and this is all just a cover. … I mean really, this is crazy. … I mean we’re engaged, that’s true, and happy about it.”
Asked again if he was denying reports that Simpson is pregnant, Wentz, 28, replied, “Yeah.”

Hmm, you know what else starts witch hunts? Making a fucking video where you say your girlfriend is pregnant! Man, what a chooch. That be like me complaining that people always want to me to cut metal in half with my laser wang. Or perform invasive surgery with it. I publicized it’s awesomeness therefore I gotta pay the price. It’s time to man-up, Pete Wentz. I mean, Christ, you’ve got a baby on the way.

EDIT: Added pics of Ashlee at LAX last night. Are those prego-boobs I see?

Video of Ashlee and Pete claiming to have reproduced after the jump.

Ashlee Simpson is having Pete Wentz’s baby. Us Magazine ended the speculation today that started when the couple announced their engagement last Wednesday:

Ashlee Simpson is pregnant, a source confirmed to Usmagazine.com. The singer, 23, is expecting her first child with fiancé Pete Wentz, 28.

First off, congratulations, to the happy couple. Way to prove everybody wrong and figure out the mechanics of sexual intercourse. Frankly, I’m stunned. That said, my condolences to Ashlee. Nothing short of the Jaws of Life will get that kid’s chin out of your birth canal. But it’s worth it for that priceless bundle of joy. I mean, really, who needs a vagina anyway? What with today’s economy and all.

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are officially engaged. The two announced their unholy asshat union on their blog Friends or Enemies:

THIS JUST IN FROM ASHLEE SIMPSON “We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes - it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, but we wanted you to hear it straight from us.”
- Ashlee and Pete

It’s early in the morning so I just want to wish Ashlee and Pete the best. Also, the wedding cake’s on me. It’ll be a delicious marble with equal parts typhoid, Al Qaeda and, because I love you guys, Criss Angel. Congrats!

The Sun posted these pics of Ashlee Simpson wearing a bikini in Jamaica while vacationing with Pete Wentz. I can’t tell if she’s rocking some implants but, if she is, they were probably installed at birth and confirm my long held theory about Joe Simpson: He loves America - a lot. I’m talking he wants to make love to the USA and not just “have sex.” Then they’d spoon on the couch and watch Atonement. Until Joe brings up getting implants again and they start arguing. He just wants you to look beautiful, America. But mostly in the Dakota region.

Ashlee Simpson is reportedly pregnant and engaged. Ashlee showed up to a signing of her new CD in New York (above) and was sporting an engagement ring. She might also be sporting a fetus if Pete Wentz’s film-making skills are to be trusted. The Sun reports:

Pete recently posted a blog online announcing the couples’ plans to make something that cannot be illegally downloaded, hinting at a baby.
In the bizarre video message, Ashlee and Pete, who have dated since last summer, also reveal that the “release date” is July 2008, before Ashlee poses with a cushion stuffed under her top.

I added Pete and Ashlee’s video after the jump. Hopefully this is some sort of sick joke because I don’t want to write about the world’s most retarded baby being born in July. Seriously, that kid will have the IQ of peanut butter. In the meantime, if you watch the video and don’t want to spay and neuter these two with a lawnmower, congratulations! You have no soul.