Aubrey O’Day is no idiot. After recently being kicked out of Danity Kane by P. Diddy, she made a beeline for Hugh Hefner while the mediocre fame is still fresh and posed for an upcoming issue of Playboy, according to TMZ:

TMZ spies say the Danity Kane has-been spent all day at a Manhattan photo studio doing a spread for Playboy, and we’re told hotshot photog Markus Klinko was the guy who had to look at her naked body all day through the lens.

That’s actually a smart move part considering the current economic climate. It’s never a bad idea to build a little nest egg before returning to your artistic roots as a truck-stop stripper. In fact - *brriiing* Shit, gotta take this. It’s Suze Orman. - Yes, Suze. Stop making you look bad? Oh, geez, I’m sorry. Tell you what, I’ll stop giving out insanely awesome financial advice - but only cause I love ya, baby. We still making love on top a pile of homeless people later? Fantastic.

A topless Dita Von Teese appears in the December issue of Playboy Germany and, sonofabitch, that’s it. I’m moving to Germany. I thought this country was kickass, but when we can’t even get Dita Von Teese to pose in our Playboy, it’s time to pack it in and start selling states to Canada. I’m not even joking. Which is why I’d like to announce the launch of my new site: Das Oberflächliche.com!

Sieg Heil, bitches.

NOTE: Pics to link NSFW versions which give new meaning to the scientific term “nipples the size of dinner plates.”

These are shots of “Girl Next Door” Kendra Wilkinson getting a lap dance at “The Most Interesting Show in the World” over the weekend. Wow, a stripper grinding on a Playboy bunny. That’s like covering a midget in chocolate sauce. How do you lose? (Not counting getting kicked in the shin and having your wallet stolen I know where you live!)

NOTE: Pics. Link. NSFW. You know the drill.

Hugh Hefner has already found replacements for Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson. His two new ladies are twin sisters Karissa and Kristina Shannon (pictured on each side of Hugh.) But it turns out these two have a history of beating the living crap out of people and are BOTH on probation for a bar brawl in January, according to E! News:

The sisters were arrested in the early morning hours of Jan. 10 and booked on suspicion of felony aggravated battery, per arrest reports obtained by E! News. They were released from custody after posting $10,000 bonds and were later given probation and ordered to pay restitution for the incident, the details of which have not been determined just yet.
Prior to that run-in with the law, Karissa Shannon was arrested on suspicion of misdemeanor battery last November.

Well, at least they’re not dating a feeble old man with tons of cash laying around. Wait…

Hugh Hefner confirmed that Holly Madison is no longer in the market for old man love. Things went south when it was discovered that Hugh couldn’t father a child at 82. Honestly, I don’t know who saw that coming. (Besides everyone.) E! News reports:

The Playboy mogul says the relationship started to crumble about six months ago when they learned he was unable to father a child with Holly.
“With my sperm count, it’s not possible,” Hefner explained. “I was willing but it was not possible…She’d like to be married and have children, but it’s not in the cards here for me.”

Hugh also confirmed that Kendra Wilkinson will be gone by the end of the year. But shed not a tear, my friends, the Hugh has back-ups:

In the last week, he’s been spotted with 19-year-old twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon (pictured above). “They very much want to be girlfriends and now under the present circumstance, they probably will become my girlfriends,” Hefner says.
And they’re not all he has to look forward to.
A college senior from Georgia whom Hefner identifies as Amy Leigh Andrews is also waiting in the wings. “She was testing here this past weekend,” Hef says of the centerfold wannabe, “and she said she’d like to be a girlfriend, too.”
The 82-year-old Hefner laughed, “I’m dancing as fast as I can.”

I can’t help but wonder if, deep down, Hugh wanted Holly Madison to leave. Sure, his sperm count is low, but it’s not like he couldn’t have scrounged some up to pass as his own. For God sakes, he lives in the Playboy Mansion! And, frankly, anyone’s swimmers would’ve been preferable to Criss Angel’s. I’m talking Pauly Shore, the kid who plays McLovin’ or even a blood relative of Holly’s. She’d never know the difference. (Provided the vial is wrapped in twenties.)

Holly Madison confirmed to TMZ yesterday that the rumors are true: she’s no longer dating Hugh Hefner. A cameraman asked if she could get him into the Halloween party at Playboy Mansion to which Holly responded:

“I have no pull anymore. Hef and I aren’t together.”

And there you have it: Holly Madison has officially set an age limit on her Johns. But, unfortunately, not an asshat limit. (See: Criss Angel.)

If you thought the recent Wall Street crash was bad (How ’bout that Dow today?), talk to Hugh Hefner: It’s costing him pussy. The recent credit crunch has forced the Playboy founder to reduce staff which fully, 100%, without a shadow of a doubt because they’re prostitutes explains why Kendra Wilkinson (above), Holly Madison and Bridgett Marquardt are jumping ship. The Daily Telegraph reports:

The 83-year-old has been told to lay off some of his staff at his Los Angeles and New York offices as soon as this month or go bankrupt.
The company has recently seen shares fall from £6.20 to £1.55. An insider at the company told the Daily Star that bosses had been aware of the worsening situation for “a while”.
“Only the top brass has known for a while how bad things have been for Hef recently.”
Spokeswoman Elizabeth Austin would not confirm the sackings, saying: “It is our policy not to comment on corporate matters such as employee issues.”

If Hugh Hefner, of all people, dies old and alone without giant fake breasts in his face, then my God, what hope is there for the rest of us? Damn you, stock market. DAMN YOU TO HELL!

Thanks to Josh who still dreams of having a stripper dance on his open casket.

Holly Madison has officially left the Playboy Mansion for magician Criss Angel and his one million handcuff necklaces. Hugh Hefner, who’s now down a girlfriend, is reportedly cool with the whole thing. It’s not like he doesn’t have spares. The Dirty reports:

Holly Madison moves out of the Playboy Mansion because she is sleeping with Criss Angel…. according to inside source though Hef is totally fine with it.
Holly Madison was really working her way into everything (will) at Playboy even choosing Playmates for the magazine. Now “The Girls Next Door” Producers are scrambling on how they are going to finish the show with Holly Madison- Ex-Girl Next Door.

I guess Holly was stuck between a cock and a not hard place. Hi OH! But, in all seriousness, folks, talk to your kids about Criss Angel. Because a douche is a terrible thing to be.

The More You Know…

Playmates and Girls Next Door stars Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt hosted the National Lampoon’s Great American Run this weekend and I have no clue what the hell that is - but here’s my wallet. Gimme the David Spade special; hold the baby.

NOTE: Also added pics of Playmate Heather Rene Smith. Mostly because I like her outfit. I can’t really paint a picture in my mind why I like it so much, but I’m sure I can figure out the bare essentials of its allure she’s totally naked.

Lindsay Lohan has turned down a $700,000 offer to do an eight-page spread for Playboy. She doesn’t want to do the whole nude thing again because, clearly, she’s a terrorist. Someone had to say it. Page Six reports:

“If there’s nudity, then the answer’s no . . . She’s not going down the [New York] magazine road again,” Lohan’s rep told Playboy’s creative consultant, Hal Lifson, referring to Lindsay’s naked Marilyn Monroe tribute last winter. Lifson said he hoped to have Lohan do a tribute to ’60s sex kitten Ann-Margret and her film “Kitten With a Whip.”

I guess Lindsay is content with her freckle-laded Marilyn Monroe shoot and doesn’t want to look, I dunno, awesome and airbrushed. Why do you hate erections so much, Lindsay Lohan?! Oh, right, the “lesbian” thing. Ha ha ha! But, seriously, why do you hate them?

Sad news today. Hollywood is about to lose one of its trademark staples: Parties at the Playboy Mansion. Talk about the end of an era. Of course, some say that era ended the last time Hugh Hefner had an erection (See: Reagan Administration), but let’s show a little respect for a man whose dedication to breasts is dwarfed only by that of my own. True story. FOX News reports:

After decades and decades of wild nights, we hear Hef is calling it a day and that Playboy Enterprises has decided that this party and the upcoming annual Halloween party will be the last that the magazine mogul personally throws as a means to cut costs.
A rep from the men’s mag kept mum on the murmurs, saying: “Who knows what will happen in a year from now?”

Allow me to take a stab: Boner pill-related myocardial infarction. I win!

Jason Statham got booted from the Playboy Mansion over the weekend. So, did he scissor kick Hugh Hefner? Or perhaps violate Mansion code by yelling “Holy shit, I didn’t know they were hookers, too!”? Nope, none of the above. Jason Statham refused to have his picture taken. Page Six reports:

The “Bank Job” star showed up to Hugh Hefner’s annual Midsummer Night’s Dream Party at the Playboy Mansion dressed in a bathrobe, but when he refused to pose for pictures, a spy said, “he was escorted by five security guards off the property. It was rough.”

Now that’s something I can relate to: You don’t want to look too badass in a picture by having a bunch of hot chicks all over you. Sure, it’s nice to advertise you have the sexual prowess of a bazooka, but sometimes you just want people to know that “Hey, I’ve arm wrestled an elephant before.” But enough about me…

Brooke Hogan has been offered the cover of the 55th Anniversary of Playboy. And she’s actually considering doing it! I don’t know why I just used an exclamation mark. Oh, that’s right; I plan on jabbing it in my eye. NY Daily News reports:

Brooke Hogan has been approached to pose nude for the famous men’s magazine, her publicist told the Daily News on Wednesday. And she didn’t say no.
The “Brooke Hogan Knows Best” star, 20, could use a boost for her stagnant singing career. Hogan’s 2006 album “Undiscovered” reportedly sold just 127,000 copies.

Hugh Hefner just heard this news and put down his pipe in disgust: “I never! The day Playboy runs photographs of trannies is the day Hugh Hefner succumbs to senility. I’ll see to this.” He immediately buzzes his secretary: “Get Marilyn Monroe on the line. Also, I’ve pooped again and want to watch cartoons.”

Video of Brooke discussing the photo shoot after the jump.

Hugh Hefner apparently enjoyed the Miley Cyrus bare-back photos so much, that he wants to see what’s underneath the sheet. When she’s 18, of course. I mean, c’mon, Hugh’s not some dirty old man. He’s more like, oh I dunno, Jesus. Here’s the details from Extra:

“Certainly she’d be welcome to the magazine. She’s a very pretty lady.”
As for the drama caused by Cyrus’ VF shoot? “To make such a big to-do over something as innocent as those photos — I think it’s a reflection of how schizophrenic America is about sexuality.”

Hugh, old chum, I disagree with you on Americans being schizophrenic about getting freaky. Just because sometimes sex is awesome, then bad, then interrupting my video games, then super cool, then something I cry during, doesn’t mean all of us in the colonies have wacky views on the no-pants dance. If I need to build a castle out of LEGOs before knocking boots, that’s perfectly healthy. Unless my lady friend uses up all the gray pieces first. Then she might as well call a taxi and get the heck out because I’m a man with principles, dammit.

Kim Kardashian and her rag-tag bunch of family members stopped by Larry King Live on Friday. After getting peppered by Barbara Walters about her sex tape, Kim was ready for another awkward discussion about her nudity with the surprisingly alive. This time Larry brought up the topic of her shoot for Playboy. Kim said a bunch of words about something or rather, I dunno. I was too busy staring at the video of her getting ready for the shoot. Then things kind of went black for a while. I blame the fall into the next cubicle when I tried to mount my monitor. I should invest in some handlebars. I mean, I can’t keep doing this 10-30 times a day - before lunch.

Thanks to Lindsey who isn’t afraid to say Larry’s suspenders are sexy. Hell yeah!

WWE Diva Maria (Real name: Maria Kanellis) autographed copies of the April issue of Playboy yesterday. Maria appears totally nude in the issue which must be awesome for wrestling enthusiasts. The only thing that could make it hotter for WWE fans is if they found out Maria is their sister. Or, okay, let’s be more realistic, their cousin.

Kim Kardashian says she posed nude for Playboy because she’s a role model. It wasn’t for the money or the attention. Nope, it was for the ladies out there who need someone to look up to. NY Daily News reports:

“I did it because I’m not one of those stick-skinny girls you see. I felt like girls today need to see a normal body,” she told us at the Morgan 4 Ever launch at Underbar last week. “My mom actually pushed me to do it! I think she’s living vicariously through me a little bit.”

Kim Kardashian does have a point. If girls out there can’t find an accurate portrayal of women in Playboy, where can they find one? Hats off to you, Kim Kardashian, for emboldening your fellow females to look at porn. Seriously, I’ve been trying for years, but you might actually be onto something. Although one time I was pretty close when I edited together “Dr. Boneherfine, M.D.” and “Grey’s Anatomy.” I think my date noticed something was off when Patrick Dempsey’s face was replaced with lesbian nurses. However, deep down, she seemed to enjoy it. She was even crying at one point. Most likely tears of joy. I mean, why else would she pepper spray me in the mouth then jump out a window? Women. They’re so cute when they’re happy.

Kim Kardashian says she posed nude for Playboy because she’s a role model. It wasn’t for the money or the attention. Nope, it was for the ladies out there who need someone to look up to. NY Daily News reports:

“I did it because I’m not one of those stick-skinny girls you see. I felt like girls today need to see a normal body,” she told us at the Morgan 4 Ever launch at Underbar last week. “My mom actually pushed me to do it! I think she’s living vicariously through me a little bit.”

Kim Kardashian does have a point. If girls out there can’t find an accurate portrayal of women in Playboy, where can they find one? Hats off to you, Kim Kardashian, for emboldening your fellow females to look at porn. Seriously, I’ve been trying for years, but you might actually be onto something. Although one time I was pretty close when I edited together “Dr. Boneherfine, M.D.” and “Grey’s Anatomy.” I think my date noticed something was off when Patrick Dempsey’s face was replaced with lesbian nurses. However, deep down, she seemed to enjoy it. She was even crying at one point. Most likely tears of joy. I mean, why else would she pepper spray me in the mouth then jump out a window? Women. They’re so cute when they’re happy.

I debated whether or not to look at these photos of Kim Kardashian’s Playboy shoot. I was kind of hoping to see them for the first time on Christmas morning. You know, the snow is falling outside. The tree is sparkling and lit up. The whole family is abuzz with holiday cheer. I’ll take a seat near the fireplace and open up to Kim Kardashian’s photos. “Look, Grandma, a nipple! Can you believe it?” As I sip from my mug I’ll call for the children because only their innocent eyes can tell me if Kim Kardashian’s ass truly is a portal to the magical world of Narnia. Sure their parents might call the police and Aunt Sarah’s Nativity scene gets broken in the scuffle. But, darn it, that’s what the holidays are all about. Family. Oh yeah, and also sweet, heavenly asses surrounded by white fur. That too.

The photos below are totally NSFW. Unless your boss is super cool, or perhaps he’s, I dunno, Jesus. Then click away.