Worried about the country’s imminent financial collapse? Here’s something to take your mind off of it—and make you much more fearful about the future. Ok! Magazine reports:

Tony Romo better rest up, because Jessica Simpson doesn’t just want a child – she wants six of them!
“I’d love six kids running around, but I guess I’ll have to start pretty soon,” the “Do You Know” artist told Australia’s Daily Telegraph.

It’s a tough call on how to feel about this. On one hand, Jessica Simpson’s breast genes would live on in future generations. On the other hand, so would the rest of her genes. And any child of Jessica Simpson’s probably wouldn’t be able to find the birth canal and would be doomed to an existence of wandering around her womb, bumping its head against her uterus, which probably wouldn’t be healthy for either of them. Before she makes any rash decisions, maybe she should consult one of the many parenting books available, such as the highly regarded classic, Dr. Spock’s Guide to Why He Will Come Back From the Grave and Personally Sterilize Jessica Simpson if She Ever Decides to Reproduce.

A close family member of Jamie Lynn Spears has confirmed to The National Enquirer that the pregnancy rumors are true. The denials “are simply buying the Spears family time until they decide what to do.” (Read: Secret Mexican abortion.) The family member also revealed how the news is affecting the family:

On Lynne’s reaction:
“Jamie Lynn’s mom is furious about the pregnancy. And she’s livid the news leaked out, especially during her book tour. Lynne and Jamie Lynn have been arguing nonstop by phone.”

On Jamie Lynn’s choice:
“Jamie Lynn is being pressured by people very close to her to abort. But no decision has been made yet. Casey is furious. Jamie Lynn hadn’t told him about the pregnancy. He learned about it in the media and then confronted her and she told him it was true.”

On the inevitable Spears’ family maneuver:
“If Jamie Lynn has this baby, you can be sure they will try to sell the official confirmation of the pregnancy to a magazine, as well as the baby photos.”

I really wasn’t sure myself if the rumors were true until I saw these pictures of Jamie Lynn wearing a “Yoga Makes Me Flexible” T-shirt to Wal-Mart yesterday. At that point, an ultrasound seems kind of redundant, doesn’t it?

You probably haven’t been able to take a leak in the past 24 hours without hearing about Brad Pitt taking a photo of Angelina Jolie breastfeeding that would appear in W Magazine. Well, here it is. For those of you who thought it would be hot, two things: 1. It’s for the cover of a national magazine so the chances of seeing a nipple were zero. (Though I could understand an expectation of side-boob.) 2. Breastfeeding involves babies, Darth Pervert. All that aside, what I found interesting was during the interview Angelina admitted Brad encouraged her to get pregnant when she was content with just adopting. Smooth:

“I think one of the life changing things that he did, one of many, is that I was absolutely never going to get pregnant. I never felt that it was the right thing to do. Now I wouldn’t trade that experience for the world. It taught me a lot about life, just the process of it, and now we have three other beautiful children that wouldn’t otherwise be here.”

Wow. So Brad Pitt gets to have sex with one of the hottest women on the planet and what does he do? Turn hers vagina into a gaping baby portal. Jesus. That’s like finally getting a Playstation 3 then shoving a watermelon through it. (I should write analogies for a living.)

Clearly before news of a potential bun in the oven hit today, Jamie Lynn Spears and her boyfriend Casey Aldridge sat down with OK! Magazine to address the rumors that he was cheating on Jamie Lynn with 28-year-old Kelli Dawson and others:

“That is just completely fabricated,” adds Jamie Lynn. “He never had an intimate relationship with her, so how would that be possible? Around here, that particular girl is known to make up stories.”
And then there’s Whitney Seals, who supposedly romanced Casey. Says Jamie Lynn, “What happened was that one of those girls did it, and in this small town when one of them does it, they’re all like, ‘Good idea.’ They all jumped on the bandwagon.”
“In a small town, everybody knows everybody,” he explains. “But when money’s involved, you find out who your friends are.”
As for reports he impregnated Kelli, a stunned Casey told OK!, “That’s news to me.”

Of course that’s news to Casey Aldridge. I mean, all he did was have unprotected sex numerous times with Kelli Dawson where he ejaculated his semen into her birth canal. Sheeit, that’s not how you make a baby.*

*For our readers in the South, that is, actually, how you make a baby. My apologies for telling you therefore causing Baby Jesus to cry.

Here’s some news that’s so retarded it has to be true: Jamie Lynn Spears is reportedly pregnant again. Turns out no one told her breastfeeding isn’t a form of a birth control. Surprise! In the meantime, I can only assume Lynne Spears is waiting until Jamie Lynn is a mother of three to give her the sex talk. But, hey, that’s between them, God and an army of future rednecks pouring out of a teenage vagina. The National Enquirer reports:

“Jamie Lynn is about eight weeks pregnant, and she and her mom Lynne are hysterical,” revealed a close source. “Neither of them knows what to do, but for now they’re trying to keep the news from getting out.”
“Jamie Lynn believed she couldn’t get pregnant while she was breast-feeding,” said the close source. “She’d expected to have her period by early September.” A home pregnancy test came back positive and Jamie Lynn cried her eyes out, said the source.
Her mother Lynne was livid when she found out, divulged an insider.

Okay, in all fairness, something similar happened to a friend of mine, so I’m going to tell Jamie Lynn the same thing I told her: “If I stole your car, drove to Mexico and changed my name to Juan Testiculos so I wouldn’t have to pay child support, how mad would you be? On a scale of 1 to - how do you start this thing?”

May these words provide comfort in your time of need,
The Superficial.

Here’s some news that’s so retarded it has to be true: Jamie Lynn Spears is reportedly pregnant again. Turns out no one told her breastfeeding isn’t a form of a birth control. Surprise! In the meantime, I can only assume Lynne Spears is waiting until Jamie Lynn is a mother of three to give her the sex talk. But, hey, that’s between them, God and an army of future rednecks pouring out of a teenage vagina. The National Enquirer reports:

“Jamie Lynn is about eight weeks pregnant, and she and her mom Lynne are hysterical,” revealed a close source. “Neither of them knows what to do, but for now they’re trying to keep the news from getting out.”
“Jamie Lynn believed she couldn’t get pregnant while she was breast-feeding,” said the close source. “She’d expected to have her period by early September.” A home pregnancy test came back positive and Jamie Lynn cried her eyes out, said the source.
Her mother Lynne was livid when she found out, divulged an insider.

Okay, in all fairness, something similar happened to a friend of mine, so I’m going to tell Jamie Lynn the same thing I told her: “If I stole your car, drove to Mexico and changed my name to Juan Testiculos so I wouldn’t have to pay child support, how mad would you be? On a scale of 1 to - how do you start this thing?”

May these words provide comfort in your time of need,
The Superficial.

UPDATE: TMZ claims to have an “unimpeachable source” within the Spears camp that says Jamie Lynn is not pregnant. That said, The National Enquirer broke the news of her first pregnancy, and they were right. Time will tell, unless Lynne Spears “took care of it.” (Read: Sold the photo rights to OK!)

Enjoy these pics while you can of a non-pregnant Angelina Jolie at the premiere of The Changeling over the weekend. After recently birthing twins Knox and Vivienne, turns out she’s already bored with them and ready for more. Somebody get this check a medal. OK! Magazine reports:

And just in case you thought that Angelina and Brad, who has joked that he would like to have a full soccer team of kids, would stop at a half-dozen, she says that there’s no stopping in the near future.
“We are going to have more kids,” revealed the Oscar winner. “One way or another.”

When she’s not busy thinking of ways to adopt you or get the maximum mileage out of her uterus, Angelina shares her secret to shedding the baby weight:

“Run around with all the kids, and breastfeeding, which I think is part of your body’s natural way of losing weight.”

So, I tried Angelina’s advice to shed a few pounds, but since I don’t have lactating breasts or children of my own , I had to go down to a local elementary school and chase some around. The end result? My face ended up on some website run by Megan (?) and the neighbor kids call me “El Chupacabra” while throwing rocks at my car. But, damn, does my ass look tight. Seriously, you can bounce a quarter off it, but not really because I’ve already lost $5 down the sewer grate.

Adding fuel to the pregnancy rumors, Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo were recently spotted in Nieman Marcus shopping for engagement rings and are looking to get married on the ASAP, according to a source for the Chicago Sun-Times:

Jessica Simpson and main man and Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo were in the store checking out big sparklers — the kind women wear on their left-hand ring finger.
I’m hearing the couple are talking about a winter wedding. Dallas fans can relax. The happy twosome are said to be planning to tie the knot well after the end of the NFL season, including the Super Bowl — should the Cowboys make it to the big game in Tampa, Fla.

All I know is, if the Cowboys blow it in the playoffs again, that kid’s going to grow up without a father. Just sayin’. In the meantime, check out the last pic which proves my theory Jessica Simpson really is a clone of Britney Spears - but with the capacity to know shame. Neat, except I heard the new models have built-in ashtrays.

Lynne Spears is speaking out about the media’s hypocrisy embracing the pregnancy of Bristol Palin, the 17-year-old daughter of John McCain running mate Sarah Palin. Lynne got her holy nuts kicked in when it was revealed Jamie Lynn was with child, but Sarah Palin is getting a pass, according to Newsweek:

“It’s a totally different reaction. It’s as if [Sarah Palin] became celebrated. I mean, the mother, Palin, was celebrated for this. Every woman in the world has applauded her strength and her convictions and poor little old Jamie Lynn—you saw how she was crucified. Everybody did, firsthand … I just feel like it’s been a very hypocritical situation.”

Lynne added: “I mean, I’ve got a ’special needs’ baby, too. Where’s my outpouring of love? So maybe mine, I dunno, flashes her hooternanny and has a record deal and, okay, had sex with men of Middle Eastern descent. I should get to be a national treasure too! Did I mention she tried to eat a toaster oven once? That too. Give me a parade!“

Jenna Jameson is definitely doing her best Angelina Jolie impersonation, according to sources for Perez Hilton:

“They’re having twins,” a friend of the superstar tells us. “Jenna and Tito just found out. They are beyond thrilled!”

This, of course, answers “Nope” to the age old question: Can Jenna Jameson do anything without getting double teamed?

Lynne Spears stopped by The Today Show for an interview with Meredith Vieira about her memoirs Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World. The book originally started out as a collection of poetry but Lynne quickly realized that’s not how you get a beach house. Here’s Lynne talking for the first time about the Spears’ family journey. On that note, I hope you like a good tale about exploitation, vaginas and shotgun weddings:

On Britney posing for Rolling Stone cover at 17:
“The Rolling Stone interview, we were so in awe. She’s just beginning. She’s just coming on the scene. We didn’t really know what we were doing. We were in shock at what was going on, and we were in awe. We didn’t have any choice in the pictures. We had no one that could tell us what we were supposed to be doing.”

On blaming herself for Britney’s meltdown:
“As a mother, don’t we always blame ourselves?” she asked Vieira rhetorically. “I took a lot of the blame. I took all the blame. The personality I have, it’s always my fault.”

On Jamie Lynn dropping the bomb:
She had been to the doctor that day and was planning to go out for lunch when Jamie Lynn called and told her to come home. Lynne arrived to find her daughter’s boyfriend, Casey Aldridge, there, even though he wasn’t allowed to visit on school days. Aldridge avoided eye contact, she said.
Jamie Lynn handed her mother a note and told her to go into her bedroom to read it. “It said she was pregnant and everything was going to be OK. She was going to raise it … I thought it was a joke. I was waiting for the punch line,” Lynne told Vieira.
“I was in shock. I think I was just truly in shock, and then I started to cry. And she started consoling me at that point.”

On the future of the Spears family:
“We’re through the storm and we’re looking at the sunshine right now.”

I don’t want to say Lynne just jinxed herself, but this just in: Britney Spears was found naked behind the counter of a Malibu Starbucks this morning. Upon opening the store, employees found Ms. Spears mumbling “I can’t quit you” while squirting caramel sauce into her mouth. Authorities say she used one of her children’s Power Wheels to drive through the glass door. Ms. Spears was adamant in pointing out that Jayden, 2, was behind the wheel and “gets like this after a few drinks.”

Video after the jump.

Eva Longoria wants to set the record straight: she’s not pregnant - maybe. I mean, who really knows these days? Us Magazine reports:

“I’m just fat,” she said Tuesday during an interview with Le Grand Journal with husband Tony Parker. She then burst out laughing while Parker chuckled nervously.
To make Gabrielle look like she has two kids, Longoria has said she ate “everything in sight! Pasta … pizza.”
Her other secret for looking heavier? “I have butt pads, I have thigh pads, I have stomach pads!”

Let’s get to the bottom of this chicanery: First, Eva Longoria is holding M&M’s. Everyone knows fat chicks love chocolate. Then again, so do pregnant ones. Damn. Okay, moving on; there’s the saying one thing but secretly meaning the opposite - which applies to women the world over. Sonofa- Alright, I got it. The true litmus test of whether Eva Longoria is pregnant or “just fat”: If she tricks me into having sex with her while I’m drunk - you know what? I give up. I hope it’s quadruplets.

Ashlee Simpson is having a boy - and just one of them, according to Jessica Simpson. “Definitely not twins,” she told Yo on E! yesterday. In the meantime, Pete Wentz decided Playboy would be the perfect outlet to announce the baby’s gender:

“We know with 90% accuracy that it’s a boy, and our due date is around Thanksgiving,” he tells the October issue of Playboy.
While “we don’t have any names yet,” he adds, “My friend Andrew said, ‘Your kid has to have a name that would fit either a rock star or a senator.’”

While the thought of Pete Wentz. Jr running for office has me updating my visa, why in the hell is Playboy reporting on Ashlee Simpson’s pregnancy? This is exactly why I never read the articles. Of course, some might say the airbrushed boobies are why I never the read the articles. To which I say, “Go away. Nipples.”

Minnie Driver gave birth to baby boy Henry Story Driver on Friday, according to People:

The baby was born Friday in Los Angeles and weighed 9 lbs., 12 oz., rep Jessica Kolstad says.

Minnie Driver still hasn’t revealed the baby’s father which means it’s definitely Criss Angel. Otherwise, why all the secrecy? That said, I hope to God she never tells little Henry who his real father is, and it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to come up with a cover story. Something a little less embarrassing but with a touch of romance. I’m thinking: “Date-raped by Carrot Top.” Too fairy tale-ish? You’re right.

Ashlee Simpson is reportedly carrying twins, according to E! Online:

Hip-hop artist Tyga, Pete’s buddy, says that the parents-to-be are expecting not one but two bundles of joy.
“They’re having twins,” Tyga said in an exclusive interview yesterday at the House of Hype’s pre-VMA barbecue. “They’re really happy.”

Ah, twins. Nature’s magical “fuck you.” Except this time it’s directed at all of us because Pete Wentz just goddamn multiplied. At least we can take comfort knowing that, when evil strikes, the Wentz-Simpson family will join together to form Chin-tron: Defender of the Universe if You Count Perpetually Smiling Like a Douche as a Means of Defense.

Paris Hilton is no longer desperately seeking impregnation. Ho. Ly. Shit! *pops open champagne* WHOOPEEEEE! Hollyscoop reports:

“You know right now I’m just focusing on my business. A lot of traveling around the world. There’s no time for a baby right now.
Paris added, “I would love to one day, but for right now it wouldn’t be right to have a kid because I don’t have the time. My schedule is so crazy, I am going to London next month for a couple of weeks to do my BFF show in London, so I have a lot of work cut out for me.”

You know who you don’t hear saying he wants a baby on the ASAP and we can thank for this turn of events? Benji Madden. Of course, he’s probably too busy scrubbing his testicles with a Brillo pad, but still.

It turns out Lynne Spears did not send Bristol Palin $60 pink burpcloths on behalf of Jamie Lynn. I don’t see why Lynne bothered denying the report because even a cynical bastard like myself thought it was a nice gesture. Until I remembered I have a penis then went around punching everyone within eyesight in the face. TOUGH GUY! E! News reports:

“I just got off the phone with Lynne. I can tell you that she hasn’t sent her any gifts, but that she does support Sarah and, of course, can empathize with their situation,” Curt Handling, Spears’ publicist at the Thomas Nelson publishing company, tells E! News.

It’s a damn shame. No fancy burpcloths for America’s favorite politically-polarizing pregnant teen. I guess Bristol Palin will have to wipe her baby’s spit the old fashioned way: With moose antlers or the hull of an oil tanker.

Remember when David Spade found out he knocked up a Playboy Bunny? I’m kidding. No one does. But that didn’t stop a baby girl from popping out of Jillian Grace’s vagina making David Spade a first-time daddy and, also, a first-time wage garnishee. People reports:

“David and Jillian have been in close contact throughout her pregnancy and he plans to go see the baby during his first break from shooting Rules of Engagement,” Spade’s rep, Meredith O’Sullivan, tells PEOPLE.

Hopefully, the lesson learned here is that Hugh Hefner really needs someone on hand tying up tubes at the mansion. Guys like David Spade deserve quality customer service that goes above and beyond simply not laughing at their penis. Which, don’t get me wrong, is always appreciated. Or so I hear - from other people. Who aren’t me. I’m hung like a spaceship!

Well, it was only a matter of time until they found the guy who knocked up Bristol Palin the 17-year-old daughter of John McCain’s running mate Sarah Palin. And, boy, is this kid amazing. Meet future shotgun groom Levi Johnston (above) who, in a triumph of the human spirit, makes Casey Aldridge and Kevin Federline look they should be on the space program. The New York Post has the details:

On a MySpace page subsequently taken down, Johnston boasts, “I’m a fuckin’ redneck” who likes to snowboard and ride dirt bikes.
“But I live to play hockey. I like to go camping and hang out with the boys, do some fishing, shoot some shit and just fuckin’ chillin’ I guess.”
“Ya fuck with me I’ll kick [your] ass,” he added.
He also claims to be “in a relationship,” but states, “I don’t want kids.”

Wow. Am I the only one who hopes this kid never stops reproducing? Show of hands.

Melanie C (a.k.a. Sporty Spice) is expecting her first child, according to the Daily Mail:

The 34-year-old singer announced the news on her website today.
Mel C said: ‘Some happy news. Well, I can now announce that Tom and I are expecting a baby and we are very happy. As I’m sure you’ll understand we needed time to wait for results and tell our families. I will be taking it easy but am also excited to start writing for the fifth album. I will need to take some time off to be a mum but, before you know it, we’ll be back.’

What’s sad is this is the biggest celebrity news of the morning. I mean, finding out Sporty Spice is pregnant is right up there with finding out the cowboy from the Village People is having a baby - and it’s not even the construction worker’s! LAME.