Charlie Sheen has literally multiplied. His wife Brooke Mueller gave birth to twin boys Saturday night, according to Access Hollywood: The boys’ names are Max and Bob, a rep for Charlie told Access on Sunday afternoon. The children are… …read full story

Nicole Richie’s bodyguard TJ did his best to block the paparazzi from taking pics of her baby bump while she was leaving traffic school yesterday. Of course, maybe not holding her purse in the air would’ve made things easier,… …read full story

Seen here leaving Cruz Beckham’s birthday party Saturday, Joel Madden has announced that he’s knocked up Nicole Richie again: What’s better than winning an Oscar? I am so happy to tell everyone that Harlow is going to be a… …read full story

Bristol Palin, everyone’s favorite unwed teenage mom (Jamie Lynn who?), sat down with FOX News last night and dropped two major bombs. Governor Palin’s daughter made Rupert Murdoch’s head explode by saying sexual abstinence is unrealistic and that e …read full story

Clearly a disciple of the Kanye West School of Blogging, M.I.A. announced the birth of her baby boy on her MySpace page: HAPPY VALENTINES! SUNDAY NITE I CA M E HOME FROM THE GRAMMY’S STILL IN THE MOOD TO… …read full story

Rebecca Romjin gave birth to twins over the holiday, and you wouldn’t even know it looking at these pics from this morning. Even more astonishing? She’s married to Jerry O’Connell. I’m pretty sure Rebecca Romjin just defied all laws… …read full story

Here’s Jenna Jameson at the World Alliance of Mixed Martial Arts Championship this weekend demonstrating the worst possible ending to one of her movies. Then again, who’s actually seen the end of a porno? Just sayin’.

NOTE: Yes, I’m aware the third pic is clearly fetus abuse and have notified child services. They said “Are you shitting me?” and promised to mobilize the Britney Task Force. Good people.

Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have revealed their new baby girl’s name to the folks at People, and it’s Seraphina Rose Elizabeth Affleck - which sounds oddly familiar. Hmm, let’s take a look at the post some handsome devil wrote when the baby was born:

I happen to have the name of Jennifer and Ben’s new baby girl right here. It’s “God, I Wish You Were a Viable Acting Career Instead of a Baby Elizabeth Affleck.”

Yup, it’s official: I’m psychic. Of course, I already knew that and will now predict today’s PowerBall:

4, Panda bear, F7, &, Burrito with a jetpack, 6, Elmo.

I’ll be in touch to discuss my cut of the winnings. I know where you live.

Hey, remember Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck? Me neither, but apparently they had some sort of kid yesterday, according to People:

The actress’s rep says: “Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck gave birth to a healthy baby girl.”
The baby was born Tuesday in Los Angeles. No other details were immediately available. Garner and Affleck, both 36, are also parents to daughter Violet, 3.

Since I’m devilishly handsome, I happen to have the name of Jennifer and Ben’s new baby girl right here. It’s “God, I Wish You Were a Viable Acting Career Instead of a Baby Elizabeth Affleck.” Now that’s adorable. Congratulations, you crazy kids.

Kate Hudson might have been ditched by Lance Armstrong, but she’s willing to be the better person and congratulate him for knocking up his latest girlfriend. And not just for the press it’ll generate. - - Goddammit…. People reports:

“It’s amazing. Congratulations,” Hudson told PEOPLE at Monday night’s Manhattan premiere of Bride Wars, where she shared the Tiffany & Co. blue carpet with costar Anne Hathaway.
“He’s a great father. He already is an amazing father,” Hudson said with a smile.

But in all seriousness, that’s a really classy move by a woman who basically let a one-nutted cyclist play Russian Roulette with her uterus. Most of the ladies I know would’ve smashed the reflectors on Lance’s bike then pulled the baseball cards out of his spokes. No foolin’.

EDIT: Added pics of Kate stopping by Letterman last night because I’m convinced if I stare at her ass long enough I’ll see the future. Wait, I’m getting a prediction: She’ll go through a door!

Rebecca Romijn (I keep wanting to add Stamos) and Jerry O’Connell welcomed twin baby girls over the holiday. The news was announced this morning by the couple’s good friend Howard Stern as a consolation for ducking his wedding in October. E! News reports:

The shock jock was entrusted by pals Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell to deliver the happy news via his Sirius radio show this morning that the couple is celebrating the birth of twin girls.
Shortly after Stern’s announcement, the couple’s publicist, Lewis Kay, told E! News that Dolly Rebecca Rose and Charlie Tamara Tulip were born Dec. 28, and both the parents and newborns are “all home and doing well.”

And by doing well they, of course, mean Jerry O’Connell is licking his fingers and saying “Relevancy! Oh my God, sweet relevancy! All for me! Mu ha ha ha!”

Congratulations though.

Angelina Jolie has been advised by doctors to put down the uterus. After her last two pregnancies ended with complications, she’d be facing significant health risks with another baby. OK! Magazine reports:

“Her previous pregnancies ended with emergency caesarian secions,” an insider tells OK!. “She’s been told that, at the least, she should not get pregnant for a year after her last deliver, and it would be safer if she did not get pregnant, ever.”
The health complications this time around could pose a direct danger to the Changeling star, Dr. Larrian Gillespie, who has not treated Angie, tells OK!.
“Angelina is at risk of having a stroke or heart attack, and because she developed gestational diabetes, there is a high risk she’ll have it again, with the child being at risk for diabetes.”

In related news, Brad Pitt was seen at a local bank sulking while placing his penis in a safe deposit box. In the distance, the cackle of Jennifer Aniston’s laughter could be heard in the air. Or a pig got hit with a lawnmower. We’re looking into it.

Sarah Palin’s unwed teenage daughter Bristol Palin gave birth to a baby boy Saturday, according to People:

“We think it’s wonderful,” said Colleen Jones, the sister of Bristol’s grandmother Sally Heath, who confirmed the news. “The baby is fine and Bristol is doing well. Everyone is excited.”
The baby’s name is Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston and he was born at 5:30 a.m., according to Jones.

Tripp? Seriously? I don’t get why Bristol’s being subtle. She might as well name her son “Hey, mom, I smoke my face off and have unprotected sex with my redneck boyfriend every time you’re at church.” I mean, it’s Sarah Palin we’re talking about here. She’s just gonna call the kid a “Maverick” then give him a handgun to play with. “Aw, is there anything more adorable? *BAM* That dog was getting old anyway. *BAM* Hey, it’s not like I can’t remarry. *BAM* Oh, boy, I get to meet Jesus!”

Sarah Palin’s unwed teenage daughter Bristol Palin gave birth to a baby boy Saturday, according to People:

“We think it’s wonderful,” said Colleen Jones, the sister of Bristol’s grandmother Sally Heath, who confirmed the news. “The baby is fine and Bristol is doing well. Everyone is excited.”
The baby’s name is Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston and he was born at 5:30 a.m., according to Jones.

Tripp? Seriously? I don’t get why Bristol’s being subtle. She might as well name her son “Hey, mom, I smoke my face off and have unprotected sex with my redneck boyfriend every time you’re at church.” I mean, it’s Sarah Palin we’re talking about here. She’s just gonna call the kid a “Maverick” then give him a handgun to play with. “Aw, is there anything more adorable? *BAM* That dog was getting old anyway. *BAM* Hey, it’s not like I can’t remarry. *BAM* Oh, boy, I get to meet Jesus!”

Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz unveiled their future axe-murder Bronx Mowgli Wentz in a holiday card on their website Friends or Enemies.com. This only further proves my theory that Ashlee Simpson is dead. I mean, talk about classic textbook murder. If I’ve seen it once, I’ve seen it a thousand times:

Boy meets Girl.
Boy wants baby but without lifelong commitment to Girl and her “icky parts.”
Boy goes to John Mayer’s house for playdate.
John Mayer suggests some wicked Weekend at Bernie’s action to solve Boy’s problem.
Boy agrees then requests a naked high five.
Boy and John Mayer alternate scarf-knitting and sweet love-making.
Boy cuddles with John Mayer.
John Mayer says “Do you ever feel like we’re the only two souls on Earth.”
Boy wistfully responds “Yeah” then sighs contently.
Boy suggests some hot cocoa would go great with their spooning.
John Mayer says “Okay, but look, if you go downstairs and Jennifer Aniston is in the kitchen, don’t freak out.”
Boy totally freaks out.
John Mayer tries to point out it’s not what the Boy thinks.
Boy thought he had really found someone, you know.
Boy now wants to be left alone to sulk and write shitty commercial-friendly emo music.
Boy goes home and waits in his Nightmare Before Christmas pajamas for Girl to give birth and return from hospital.
Boy realizes it’s only June.
Boy wishes he brought a Gameboy.
Boy orders pizza.
Boy wonders if Conan’s on…

Yup, same old story.

Like any rational man if placed in the same predicament, Lance Armstrong figured “Hey, one nut, no condom.” I don’t even know where to start with how much sense that makes. Except it turns out God hates Lance Armstrong because he was left with the virile one causing him to knock up girlfriend Anna Hansen. Whoops. People reports:

“Anna and I are thrilled to confirm that we are expecting in June and our families are ecstatic and grateful,” he says in a statement. “We are very much looking forward to what 2009 brings on many fronts.”
He adds: “We appreciate respecting our privacy, as we are both eager to celebrate the holidays as a family.”

Fortunatetely for Lance, “My girlfriend fell down the stairs while riding a bike” is probably the most believable scenario anyone can tell the cops. In fact, I’m sitting here right now thinking, “Damn, shoulda wore a helmet” and also “I wonder if my parents still have my BMX - and stairs.” Food for thought.

EDIT: Wow, you must think I’m a dick. Totally forgot to say “Congratulations!”

Naomi Watts proved to the world she hasn’t been smuggling immigrants for the past nine months by giving birth to a baby boy last night. The second for her and boyfriend Liev Schreiber. People reports:

“I can confirm Naomi and Liev had a baby boy yesterday,” said the actress’s rep.
A couple since 2005, Watts, 40, and Schreiber, 41, already have a baby boy, Alexander Pete Schreiber, born July 26, 2007.

No name has been given yet, but might I recommend “MuttonChops ChainsawFace”? It’s adorable, yet like any good child’s name, lets people know not to just pop over uninvited or the shit is on. Think about it, and congratulations.

The day’s events:

- Fran Drescher campaigning for Hillary Clinton’s open senate seat. In related news, Fran Drescher is alive! [People]

- Jay Leno signs on for a Tonight Show-esque program on NBC at 10 PM. Meanwhile, Conan O’Brien does a Fuck You-esque motion towards network execs. [New York Times]

- Mariah Carey reportedly seen holding a sonogram outside doctor’s office and celebrating. Nobody thought she could steal it, but Ha! What now, bitches? [Page Six]

- Paula Abdul claims stalker wanted to kill her. Whoa, wait, stalkers don’t want to kill. They just want to watch your soul escape through the knife wound in your abdomen. God, read a book. [TMZ]

Things that occurred:

- Jennifer Love Hewitt loves cheeseburgers. I knew it! [Me]

- Ginnifer Goodwin and Chris Klein break up. Two people found that news interesting; I’ll let you guess who they are. [People]

- Jennifer Aniston says her private life is “none of your fucking business” during press junket. Meanwhile, Owen Wilson repeatedly leaves the room to get high. That actually wasn’t a joke. [USA Today]

- Mary-Kate Olsen tries to shoot down pregnancy rumors by drinking and smoking all weekend. Hope her kid likes Down Syndrome. [Page Six]

A potentially pregnant Mary-Kate Olsen went out to dinner last night in Manhattan with her boyfriend Nate Lowman. She could be hiding a baby bump underneath her coat, but then again it’s hard to tell with these Olsen twins. She might’ve just eaten something. Sort of like how a snake in the wild swallows a mouse, and you can see it which is probably what’s going on here - but with a Ritz cracker.