With Thanksgiving in a few days, one can’t help but focus on the things that really matter in life. Like gathering a volatile collection of relatives under the same roof and watching the crazy explode like an overcooked burrito in the microwave. People reports:

Heather Locklear and ex-husband Richie Sambora are embracing the spirit of Thanksgiving by celebrating the holiday together – along with Locklear’s boyfriend – this year.
“Richie and Heather are spending Thanksgiving together with [daughter] Ava,” a friend of Locklear’s tells PEOPLE. “Jack [Wagner] and a few good friends will also be having dinner with them.”
Locklear, 47, and Sambora, 49, split in 2006 after 12 years of marriage, but they continue to be supportive of each other, and to co-parent their 11 year old daughter.

Fantastic. Heather, you’ll remember, was popped for DUI in September, barely two months after she completed a rehab stay. Richie, meanwhile, loves their daughter Ava so much that he was arrested for driving drunk with her in the car in March. Plus, he’s in Bon Jovi, which is just completely fucked up. But somehow the two of them spending Thanksgiving together is going to result in something besides Ava crawling under the table while her mom and dad whip bottles of gin at each other. No, really, it’s like a holiday special waiting to be made.

Denise Richards may be a walking amalgamation of dumb, but she knows where to find sperm. During her divorce from Charlie Sheen, he claimed that Denise e-mailed him asking for sample of his Hot Shots. In a blatant effort to promote her new reality show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated, she stopped by The Today Show this morning (video after the jump) and dusted off the old e-mail rumor by questioning its authenticy. Fun fact: Denise Richards can neither say or spell any of the words in that last sentence:

That e-mail is not legitimate. It’s a doctored e-mail. I would never send an e-mail to his girlfriend, and, at the time of that e-mail, I was with Richie. If I wanted anybody’s sperm, I’d have asked for Richie’s.”

To which Richie Sambora replied: “I’ve got sperm?” Then he drunkenly drove his kids to school only to wind up in Mexico instead. But, I mean really, what’s more educational than tequila shooters? The answer: Jagerbombs. Ha ha, I love learning.

Richie Sambora was formally charged today with “two misdemeanor counts of driving under the influence of alcohol and driving with a blood-alcohol level above the legal limit.” Prosecutors, however, did not charge Richie with child endangerment despite a recommendation from the arresting officers. He had two minors in the car and one one was his 10-year-old daughter. The AP reports:

The 48-year-old Sambora was pulled over by police in Laguna Beach on March 25 after his vehicle was allegedly swerving and straddling two lanes. The district attorney’s office says his blood-alcohol level was nearly twice the legal limit in California.

Okay, some people (i.e. Bon Jovi fans) complained that Richie just had a few drinks at dinner and drove home with his kids. It happens all the time. But, looky here, the dude blew twice the legal limit! So basically Richie downed a fifth of Jim Beam, and I imagine the following took place: “Yum yum. Shit, we should get some nachos. I’ll drive! No, whoa, wait. Wait a minute. Hold on. We’re forgetting something. Aw, right, the kids! Phew, man, I almost left them here. Talk about shitty parenting. Nice save, Richie.” *HORF* “Ha! I just puked in my boots. Family time rocks. Alright, everyone buckled in?”

Richie Sambora is staring down the barrel of child endangerment charges stemming from his DUI arrest where he had his 10-year-old daughter in the car. The Laguna Beach Police have handed the case over to prosecutors who will ultimately decide what charges to purse. The police are recommending he be nailed for both the DUI and child endangerment. People reports:

“Assuming Sambora was driving with over a .08 blood-alcohol level with a passenger under 14 in the car, he’s looking at probable jail time,” says veteran DUI lawyer Lawrence Taylor, who’s not involved with the case. “But it’s possible this can be plea bargained to a lesser offense, and/or he could get rehab in lieu of jail.”

You know I think it’s time we had a long, serious discussion on the celebrity justice system in this country and the revolving door rehab solution to avoiding jail ti- What’s that? Free donuts at Dunkin DeezNuts today? *kicks down wall of cubicle* VOLTRON, ASSEMBLE! I mean, BILL, GET YOUR KEYS! Oh, wait, the post. *thinks* Ah ha!

Richie Sambora is fat.

Swish!

Richie Sambora thanked all his fans and friends at a concert in Denver last night for supporting him and his dumb-as-fuck decision to drunkenly drive his Hummer all over the road with his daughter in the front seat. He couldn’t get through these difficult times without millions of people saying “We listen to Bon Jovi. How the hell do you drive sober?” People reports:

“Hello Denver,” he said, as the crowd cheered. “I just want to thank everyone for their support. Sometimes friends need the help of their friends to get by. This next song is one that keeps coming back in my life and is current again … .”

Richie then played a solo rendition of “These Days” (lyrics here) which made absolutely no sense at all. Unless the words “These days there ain’t a ladder on the streets” is alluding to the fact that Richie ran over it.

Richie Sambora was arrested for DUI and is now staring down the barrel of charges for child endangerment since he brilliantly decided to drive drunk with his 10-year-old daughter Ava in the car. Also in the car was another minor and an unidentified woman. Scope out Heather Locklear’s response when notified of the arrest, according to TMZ:

And, police sources say, after Sambora was busted, the cops called Heather Locklear, Ava’s mom. We’re told Heather authorized the woman in the car to drive her daughter home.

Okay, your ex-husband just get picked up driving drunk with your daughter in the car. Most mothers would’ve rushed to the scene and picked up their child. Heather Locker says, “Eh, just let some chick drive her home.” Damn, she’s hot and lazy. It’s almost like we were made for each other. Heather, will you marry me? I promise not to leave you for Denise Richards. Unless I could somehow pull it off without leaving the couch….

Richie Sambora, of Bon Jovi fame, was picked up last night for DUI by Laguna Beach police, according to
TMZ:

Cops say they observed him driving erratically in a black Hummer and pulled him over. He failed numerous field sobriety tests and was detained for DUI.
At the station a cooperative Sambora opted to take a blood test rather than blow into a breathalyzer. Laguna Beach PD tells TMZ there’s no indication of drugs.

Richie also had a female passenger car who police immediately clarified wasn’t a celebrity. Ha! Loser. Can’t even get a famous chick to ride shotgun while you’re tanked. And to think I respected you. *rips down Bon Jovi poster* Wait, I don’t like Bon Jovi. Then what did I just rip down? And why is my roommate clutching his bleeding chest crying about his tattoo being ruined? What a weirdo.

UPDATE: So it turns out Richie Sambora’s 10-year-old daughter was in the car at the time of the arrest, according to TMZ. What a fucking idiot. Heather Locklear’s lawyers are going to have a field day with this shit. Driving drunk with a kid in a car, Christ. I didn’t know they gave out Father of the Year Awards for “Most Retarded.”