Dear Ryan Seacrest,

Last night, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake performed in LA with Madonna - but not together as you had promised. Instead, Ms. Spears stood painfully still singing “Human Nature,” while afterward, Master Timberlake appeared looking like the Artful Dodger’s gay cousin Skippy. My only response to you, Mr. Seacrest, is “What in the hell?”
Like most of the civilized world, I had hoped the former lovers would reunite on stage reminding us of sweet innocence, and that time I masturbated to my roommate’s Britney poster in college (Sorry, Kevin!). It would be a joyous celebration. Only to be interrupted by Madonna devouring their souls and proclaiming herself “Justney Spearserlake.” “Justney” would then spend the remainder of the evening eating puppies and small children in the downtown area to the beat of “Lucky Star.” In hindsight, perhaps my expectations were too high, but then again, I’m a music lover.
As a man of honor, I cannot let this travesty go unanswered. Therefore, I’ve retaliated in a way that will haunt even the darkest of your dreams, Mr. Seacrest:
I canceled your 10:15 tanning appointment - and seaweed wrap.

May God have mercy on us all,

The Superficial Writer

Ryan Seacrest apparently was bitten by a shark on Sunday while at the beach in Mexico. It must’ve been a tiny shark because Ryan barely even noticed and found the tooth later in his leg, according to Page Six:

“He didn’t know what it was for a minute - he thought it was a stick,” said one spy. “He had no time to be scared. He saw it swim away, he got out, took aspirin and called it a day.”

Yeah? That’s nothing. One time I got bit by a shark disguised as an alligator. Okay, maybe it was a mosquito, but in my mind it felt like an alligator who later revealed himself to be a shark, so that’s what I’m telling people/chicks. Ball’s in your court, Seacrest.

Good morning! There’s nothing like waking up to a slap in the face by the fact that our country is barreling towards rampant retardation at friggin’ lightspeed. The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences (I’ll assume formed by Mr. Wizard) has announced that reality TV hosts such as Tyra Banks (above) and Ryan Seacrest are now eligible for an Emmy. Whoopee! The AP reports:

The award recognizes that reality TV has become “an integral part of television and our culture,” John Shaffner, chairman and CEO of the TV academy, said in a statement Tuesday announcing the new honor.
Besides Seacrest of “American Idol,” Mandel of “Deal or No Deal” and Banks of “America’s Next Top Model,” other potential nominees identified by the academy include Ty Pennington of “Extreme Makeover Home Edition,” Jeff Foxworthy of “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?” and Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris of “Dancing With the Stars.”

If Jeff Foxworthy wins for Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?, then it’s official; the terrorists have won. And I’m talking big time. Sort of like if the Harlem Globetrotters challenged Gary Coleman to a Slam Dunk Contest - but beforehand they tied his shoe laces together.

Good morning! There’s nothing like waking up to a slap in the face by the fact that our country is barreling towards rampant retardation at friggin’ lightspeed. The Academy of Television Arts & Sciences (I’ll assume formed by Mr. Wizard) has announced that reality TV hosts such as Tyra Banks (above) and Ryan Seacrest are now eligible for an Emmy. Whoopee! The AP reports:

The award recognizes that reality TV has become “an integral part of television and our culture,” John Shaffner, chairman and CEO of the TV academy, said in a statement Tuesday announcing the new honor.
Besides Seacrest of “American Idol,” Mandel of “Deal or No Deal” and Banks of “America’s Next Top Model,” other potential nominees identified by the academy include Ty Pennington of “Extreme Makeover Home Edition,” Jeff Foxworthy of “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?” and Tom Bergeron and Samantha Harris of “Dancing With the Stars.”

If Jeff Foxworthy wins for Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?, then it’s official; the terrorists have won. And I’m talking big time. Sort of like if the Harlem Globetrotters challenged Gary Coleman to a Slam Dunk Contest - but beforehand they tied his shoe laces together.

Ryan Seacrest and Sophie Monk were spotted together last night while leaving a restaurant in LA. Ryan tried to act like the two weren’t on a date: “Hello, there, paparazzi. How are you this evening? Yes, I’m TV and radio personality Ryan Seacrest. What’s that? Sophie Monk? I don’t know what you’re talking- GO! GO! Seacrest knock-out gas!” As Ryan and Sophie made their getaway, Sophie asks “Do you always bring knock-out gas on a date?” Ryan Seacrest just put his hands in his pockets and started whistling. Sophie would wake up hours later in her own bed swearing she saw Randy Jackson climb out the window while wearing a ninja suit.

Video after the jump of TMZ asking Sophie this morning about her date with Seacrest - only to be saved by a homeless woman before she can answer. Funniest shit I’ve seen all week. Must see.

Britney Spears is reuniting with her old manager Larry Rudolph who believes Britney is finally getting her ducks in a row - and this time not eating them. Larry spoke to Ryan Seacrest this morning about being welcomed back into the Spears fold. People reports:

“I’ve seen her a few times over the past week or two. I’ve spent some time with her just socially. I’ve gone up to the house. I’ve sat with her. She’s in great shape,” he said Thursday while promoting his latest project, Rock the Cradle, on Ryan Seacrest’s KIIS FM radio show. “I couldn’t be happier to see the condition she’s in.”
In terms of Spears’s future, he said “I can’t think of a situation where somebody’s been set up for a bigger comeback than that girl.”

Also, judging by these pics, Britney’s fashion sense is going nowhere but up. But mostly nowhere - with a dash of WTF. And a side order of “Please stop blinding me. I’m tired of seeing your boob-muffins.”

Paris Hilton confirmed to Ryan Seacrest today that the monogrammed rings worn by her and boyfriend Benji Madden are not an elaborate hoax for Ashton Kutcher’s Pop Fiction. She also shut down rumors that their relationship is also a joke for Ashton. But, don’t get me wrong, it’s still a joke in the most literal sense of the word. Us Magazine reports:

“He’s been my friend for a couple of years now, and we’re really happy,” gushed Hilton, who said Madden was by her side during the 8 a.m. telephone interview.
She said it was his idea to wear the matching ‘ BM’ and ‘PH’ rings. “That was a very special present I got,” Hilton said. “He’s really sweet.”

Wow, so Benji Madden is not only an idiot for sticking his midget wang in Paris’ death crotch, but he thinks wearing a ring with your girlfriend’s initial is cool. Legally, I think that’s grounds to feed him to a shark. Someone get Jabberjaw on the line. We’ve got work to do.

NOTE: You can scope out the audio here. The Superficial is not responsible for any cases of “crazy herp to the ears.”

Forbes Magazine just released their Celebrity 100 list with the world’s most powerful celebs. They’ve added up annual salaries, web rank, PR rank and TV rank.

Last year Oprah Winfrey earned $260 million for the year! Prisoner Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears didn’t even make the list.

Here is the full list from Forbes: