Lynne Spears new book Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World will hit bookshelves next month and it appears ol’ Lynne is cashing in her kids’ lives. The book includes chapters on Britney’s meltdown and Jamie Lynn’s teenage pregnancy. Without these tests of inner strength, Lynne might not have had the fortitude to write this book and totally pay off her Mercedes. E! Online reports:

“The stories Lynne shares reveal the heart of a mother who struggles to keep faith at the center of her life through its many unexpected twists and serendipitous turns,” the prereview states. The book retails for $24.99.
According to BreatheHeavy, a Britney fansite, the publisher says the book sheds light on much more, even touching on Britney’s breakdown, Jamie Lynn’s pregnancy and the infamous Sam Lutfi.

The Superficial has obtained an advanced copy of the book and would like to present its readers with an exclusive excerpt from the Sam Lutfi chapter. Through the Storm on bookshelves Sept. 16:

IX. Douchebeard at the Helm

We made love in the garage, and to this day, I never knew if Britney saw the whole thing. I didn’t even notice her there until she tried to butter her toast with the hedge clippers. Fortunately, no one got hurt except for the bodyguard she stabbed to death. His family asked a lot of questions. I mean, geez, get over it already.

Hey, remember this guy? Sam Lutfi a.k.a. Douchebeard McDrugYourDrinks. Well, it turns out the restraining order requiring him to stay 250 yards away from Britney Spears expires today. The order will not be renewed, but Britney’s lawyer issued the following public statement to Douchebeard letting him know what the fuck’s up. The AP reports:

“Britney has made clear to everyone that she does not want to be further harassed or contacted in any way by Osama ‘Sam’ Lutfi, now or at anytime in the future,” Spears’ attorney Samuel D. Ingham III said in a statement to The Associated Press.
“During the temporary conservatorship, the conservators have the power to insure that Lutfi will not harm Britney anymore. If Mr. Lutfi makes any future attempt to contact Britney after the temporary conservatorship has concluded, Britney has made clear she will take all appropriate legal action.”

Did Britney really make it clear she’ll “take all appropriate legal action”? I doubt she knows what one of those words even mean. Here’s a more likely scenario: “If Mr. Lutfi attempts to contact Britney, Britney will take actions including, but not limited to, sticking a bucket of KFC over her head then running into a wall. Britney also reserves the right to say ‘Whoop whoop whoop whoop!’ prior to impact.”

The LAPD officially announced that they are looking into the allegations that “someone” drugged Britney Spears. They haven’t launched a formal investigation yet, but I hear they want to prevent future drive-by vadge-ings so the chances look good. The AP reports:

Police Capt. Kyle Jackon said in a statement Wednesday that the allegations “are being considered” by the Robbery-Homicide unit to determine if laws have been violated. Jackson says no suspect has been identified.

And by “no suspect” they of course mean “we totally know who it is.” Even Patches the Blind Crime Dog knows it was Sam Lutfi. Ask him who drugged Britney Spears and he’ll say “Ruff!” which everyone knows is dog-talk for “Asshat Supreme.” Then Patches will rub his nose signifying he’s not going to rest until he bites some Middle Eastern Lutfi nut-sack. I swear that Pooch is practically Robocop but with surprisingly less leg-humping.

Sam Lutfi was finally served the restraining order yesterday that effectively requires him to stay 250 feet from Britney Spears and have no contact with her whatsoever. The restraining order was set to expire today, but the judge in the case extended it to March 17, according to the AP:

In court papers, Jeffrey Wexler, an attorney for her father, James Spears, wrote that “after three weeks of apparently evading service,” Lutfi was served at 11 a.m. outside his Los Angeles apartment.
The order, which requires Lutfi to stay 250 yards away from Spears and her home, was set to expire Friday. Wexler had asked for the order to be extended.

Poor Sam Lutfi. He must miss Britney Spears. I bet he walks in on random pap smears just to remember the good times. Surprisingly none of the women really cared until Sam started throwing Cheetos at them and screaming “Where’s the checkbook?! I’ll feed you to Satan!” Then it got a little weird.

Britney’s dad Jamie Spears is apparently running a tight ship. OK! Magazine reports Britney is kept on a regimented schedule which makes sense. Children crave structure and discipline which Jamie Spears is dishing out like Bruce Lee if he ran a day care for 26-years-old. I rock at metaphors:

Britney’s father is not allowing her to drink alcohol, see her friends and insists that she prays in her pajamas every night. Jamie has also been encouraging his daughter to teach childrens’ classes at her favorite hangout, Millennium Dance Complex.

But Britney’s fighting back and plotting a return to her care-free days of acting like a batshit moron in public:

So far, Britney has been compliant with her dad’s rules, but sources tell OK! that the singer is in the midst of plotting her revenge. Britney has been sending secret text messages to her former party pal and cousin Alli Sims and is reportedly working with her and Sam Lutfi to try to oust her father as her conservator.

I guess Britney Spears is getting tired of having to take a bath before bed every night. But she’s got her dad fooled. She just locks the doors, runs some water and plays with her Barbies on the floor. Ha ha. Suckers.

Britney Spears is supposedly being held hostage in her own house, according to a New York attorney. Apparently being held hostage means shopping in Beverly Hills all weekend. Somebody better let those jackasses at Webster know. TMZ reports:

Attorney John Eardley filed papers in federal court last Thursday, alleging the California courts have railroaded Britney by imposing a conservatorship. Eardley tells us Britney called him, but he would not disclose the circumstances surrounding the alleged call or what she said. We do know that Michael Sands, who used to be the spokesperson for K-daddy’s lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, is now the mouthpiece for Eardley. And Sands also reps Sam Lutfi, who is now restrained from all things Britney.

Not only can’t John Eardley prove Britney Spears even contacted him, legal experts say the chances of Britney’s case going federal are slim to none, according to the AP:

“Anyone who’s under a conservatorship can argue that they’ve lost their civil rights,” said Peter Tiersma, a law professor who teaches trusts and wills at Loyola Law School. “That’s what a conservatorship does, it takes away some of your rights.”
If the federal court were to take jurisdiction of the Spears case, said Tiersma, “that would mean that anyone under a conservatorship could do this, and that’s a loophole you could drive a truck through.”

Hold the phone. If my fifth-grade level comprehension skills are serving me right, if Britney’s case goes federal, someone will drive a truck through her loophole. I’m assuming that’s lawyer talk for face. Let’s see if I can get this ball rolling:

Dear Congressman,

I love America and want to see Britney Spears become a federal case. Some dude just said a truck will totally drive into her melon. I’m 90% sure that would boost the economy. It’s what Jesus and Abe Lincoln would do. Believe me I talked to both of them last night after I ate some leftover sushi. (How long ago was Columbus Day?) Also George Washington was there but he just wanted to play Guitar Hero. P.S. He sucks!

Your constituent,

The Superficial Writer

Britney Spears’ father and attorney Andrew Wallet will continue their conservatorship over Britney until March 10. Yesterday’s hearing also placed Britney’s brother Ryan into the ongoing legal clusterfuck. People reports:

Britney’s father and Wallet were also granted the power to handle the singer’s taxes, and Britney’s brother Bryan, 30, was named as a trustee of her trust. According to court papers, trust funds are used “to pay for Britney’s continued security, and to pay for her medicine, food, other day-to-day expenses and for psychiatric and other medical services.”

Sam Lutfi is still hiding and has yet to be served the now two-week old restraining order. He’s rumored to be behind a New York lawyer’s attempt to make Britney’s legal troubles a federal case, according to an insider for OK! Magazine:

“He’s upset because he can’t see Britney and have her pay him money,” explains the insider. “If Sam gets paid, then he can pay the lawyer and Sands. It’s all ludicrous.”
As for whether there is any merit to this motion, the insider tells OK!, “I’d be willing to bet that aside from Sam and Sands grandstanding on the courthouse steps, this is the last we hear about it.”

I think the federal government has more dire and pressing issues on their plate than worrying about Britney Spears. I’m talking about matters of grave national security. Like determining exactly what Roger Clemens injected into his ass. Okay, in hindsight, these dudes have time on their hands. Let’s get America’s braless sweetheart in front of Congress and pray those old bastards don’t have a heart attack. Most of them haven’t seen a nipple since World War II. And it was Bob Hope’s.

Sam Lutfi is still considering himself Britney Spears’ manager and called Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s old publicist from his movie days. Sam wants the Governator to step in and make Britney’s legal woes go Hasta la vista, baby. I can’t believe I wrote that last sentence. NY Daily News reports:

“Britney says her civil rights have been violated and she wants to talk to Arnold about it,” says a source with firsthand knowledge of the conversation.
“She wants the governor to look into why she can’t get an attorney,” according to my mole. “Sam was chewing on his dinner while he was saying all this into the phone.”

No, no, my friend. Sam Lutfi wasn’t chewing on his supper. He was chewing on the bones of his enemies - who may or may not have been a Hungry Man dinner.

Paris Hilton, in sheer defiance of quarantine-worthy herpes, celebrated her 27th birthday this weekend and threw an 80s themed party where she showed up looking like Rainbow Brite’s cokehead sister. E! News also reports that Sam “Mixmaster” Lutfi was in attendance. He was probably pouring drinks all night and many partygoers went home feeling the strange desire to flash their vaginas. Even the men. Yup, Sam is that good. We should hang out. But no grave pissing. I just shampooed my car seats.

As of today, Sam Luftesticles has yet to be served the restraining order that would effectively keep him 250 yards from Britney Spears. In the meantime, he’s acquired himself a press agent, Michael Sands. Ironically, Michael Sands was a media consultant for Mark Vincent Kaplan who is Kevin Federline’s defense lawyer. TMZ reports:

Sands, who knows a thing or two about crisis management, has been brought on board by Lutfi to, as Lutfi put it to us, “set the record straight” about who he is.
Sands cryptically told TMZ, “I’m honored to work with a patriot like Sam Lutfi.” BTW, while Sands worked for Kaplan, his mission was partly to dig up dirt on Brit’s former manager.
For his part, Lutfi told TMZ, “Michael did his research and found the truth.”

Sam also called E! News yesterday to refute Lynne’s allegations that he drugged Britney. He refused to disclose his location but talked about Britney’s manic episodes and the events leading up to her last hospitalization:

“She wrote me a note and put a big heart on it and it said, ‘I love you, Sam. Are there people coming? Circle yes or no.’ Oh my God, it was funny, just the cutest little thing. I circled yes and I gave it back to her, and she looked at me and she’s like, ‘Oh, lord, here we go again.’ “

Britney Spears can write? Ha! Nice try, Captain America. I’m not falling for that one again. I never got my $200 back after I bought Britney’s diary off eBay. She didn’t even write in it unless you consider Elmer’s Glue and chocolate sprinkles a form of written communication. Though I was impressed by her finger painting. Britney’s either very adept at drawing ducks or a lot of her boyfriends had winged genitalia.

Britney’s father Jamie Spears had given a signed declaration to the court during his efforts to become conservatorship of Britney’s affair. In it he detailed his visit with Britney on Sunday, where he let her know that items were stolen from her house. Osama “Sam” Lutfi was the culprit. Britney wasn’t surprised, according to OK! Magazine:

“She asked me to help get it back. I told her that I would,” Jamie said. Earlier this week, a police report was filed claiming “valuable possessions” were taken from Britney’s house sometime between the time the pop star was admitted to UCLA’s psych ward and the conservatorship papers were signed.

According to the declaration, Jamie and Britney also reached an understanding about who exactly was keeping her in the hospital:

Britney then became upset, claiming “someone was lying to her” about who was keeping her at UCLA. Jamie said, “No, I’m not keeping you here.” A nurse came in to tell Brit that the hospital was keeping her there, not her dad.

Meanwhile, deep in his secret cave, Sam Luf Laden checks his eBay auction. Damn! Still no bids for the bronzed bucket of chicken he stole off Britney’s mantle. C’mon! Where’s a grave to piss on when you need one?

Details of the restraining order against Sam Lutmcgyver have surfaced and it paints a pretty ugly picture of what’s been going down with Britney. Lynne Spears provided most of the information in the document and it contains allegations that Sam was drugging Britney. TMZ reports:

At one point Britney “picked up a bottle of pills and read part of the label and asked us, ‘What does insomnia mean?’ Sam told her that the pills will help her stay awake.” Lynne continues, “Sam told Jackie and me that he grinds up Britney’s pills, which were on the counter and included Risperdal (an anti-psychotic drug for schizophrenia and bipolarity) and Seroquel.” The docs continue, “He told us that the doctor who is treating her now is trying to get her into a sleep-induced coma so that they could then give her drugs to heal her brain.”

After downing the pills, Sam then tried to get Britney to do shots of tequila. He also told Britney that Adnan is gay and later threatened Lynne:

Lynne claims before leaving for the drug store that night, Sam gave her drugs upstairs “to make her more light-hearted, happy, and fun.”
During a dispute later that night, Sam allegedly said, “If you try to get rid of me, she’ll be dead and I’ll piss on her grave.”
Brit said, “Can I see another psychiatrist so I can see my babies?” Sam responded, “If I told you to take 10 pills a day, you should do what I tell you to see your babies.”

This explains so much. First, and most importantly, yes, Sam Lutfi indeed has an unhealthy obsession with urinating on the dead thus validating all my jokes. Second, this could mean that Britney is not bipolar after all. She’s just been on the longest drug binge of her life. You know, not counting her years in the Mickey Mouse Club. Back then it was all about Barbie dolls and pure Colombian snow. I heard Britney mugged a seven dwarf for coke money. Of course, you didn’t read about that one in the papers. And not because I made it up.

Sam Luffernutter isn’t sweating the latest restraining order that Britney’s dad leveled against him. In fact, he shared his thoughts with Us Magazine and, as are his ways, got all over-dramatic about it:

“It won’t last,” he told Usmagazine.com shortly after yesterday’s hearing, during which a court ordered Britney Spears to have no further contact — direct or indirect — with him.
Of Spears parents, Jamie and Lynne, Lutfi added, “They’re never gonna be able to rule her forever.”

And, yay, did Sam of Lufmalutti verily ride his steed into yonder distance and proclaim his devotion to vanquish the elder Spears’ rule and free his fair maiden. Henceforth did The Superficial Writer cease caring and forged a sandwich. And it was of righteous ham and mustard creating a thirst for ale which he drank mightily until a dragon reared his fiery head and request to be drained. But, woe, was The Superficial Writer not ready to break yon seal. Lamentations!

Britney Spears’ father Jamie won a decisive court battle yesterday and will remain the conservatorship over Britney’s affairs until February 14. Attorney Adam Streisand (Barbara’s cousin. Seriously.) was hired by Britney to contest the conservatorship, but it was determined that Britney is essentially too crazy to know what’s going on, according to People:

A court-appointed lawyer for Britney Spears, Samuel Ingham, was also present, and testified that he met with her at the hospital Sunday for 15 minutes.
He added that in his opinion the pop star “does not understand the nature of these proceedings” or their impact on her future. He added, “I think she lacks the capacity” to hire a private lawyer.

Jamie Spears then revealed that Sam Flufluftfi (sp?) refused to open his door when the court tried to serve him papers:

By the hearing’s end, the court ordered Spears to have no contact, direct or indirect, by phone, email, text message or any other means with Lutfi, a court spokesman said, and an attempt to serve Lutfi with a revised restraining order would occur.

So it’s what? February 2008? And people are just now coming to the conclusion that Britney Spears has no freaking clue what she’s doing? Amazing. I could’ve told you years ago that Britney would sign any legal document in the world in exchange for a pony. Granted it was life-sized and made of chocolate. Throw in a soft nougaty center, and I’m pretty sure she’d give you a kidney. If not both.

Britney Spears’ father Jamie Spears is granted temporary conservatorship over Britney Spears’ estate, according to TMZ:

That means her financial assets and other holdings will be managed by a conservator — the conservators are Jamie Spears and attorney Andrew Wallet.
The judge did not appoint a conservator to make medical decisions on behalf of Brit because the necessary paperwork was not filed.

In a surprise twist, TMZ reports Sam Lutfucki is now being handed his fourth restraining order - to stay away from Britney:

Although the judge didn’t say specifically who that someone was — it’s clear that person is Sam Lutfi.
The judge found, in effect, that Lutfi has been harassing Britney. Thus the civil harassment restraining order.

Finally some sanity in this ordeal. At least her dad’s in control for now. He seems to be the only one not after Britney’s money. Although I was looking forward to an extra special chapter in Lynne’s parenting book entitled “My Night with Adnan on Top a Pile of Cash in Britney’s Mansion.” No doubt it would’ve been rife with lust and boner pills.

Lynne and Jamie Spears are in court today request the judge create a conservatorship which would allow Jamie and Lynne to be in control of Britney’s medical care, according to TMZ:

The conservatorship would also allow them to control Britney’s financial affairs. Both parents have made it clear: they believe Lutfi and Adnan Ghalib are squandering Brit’s assets.

The main issue seems to be money which Sam Lutfi says Lynne is after and Lynne says Sam is after. However a family source provided People with some interesting info:

“As the money came in, the family began to fight more. If Britney was aggravated with Lynne, maybe Bryan would side with Britney because he was on the payroll.” Now, “It doesn’t seem like there’s much of a payroll, I guess they might have to get jobs like the rest of us.” Sources confirm Lynne’s Kentwood mansion Serenity is still paid for by her eldest daughter.

Then again a source in the Federline camp paints an interesting picture of Sam that explains the rants Britney made about Lynne and her boyfriend:

The source also says Lutfi has been “telling Britney that Adnan [Ghalib] and her mother have been conspiring to do this so he looks like a savior. It’s really sick and crazy.”

On the other end of the spectrum, The Superficial Writer blames Mayor McCheese and his delicious Quarter Pounders. You want to know where Britney’s money went, my friends. Look no further than the Golden Arches. I rest my case. Has anyone seen my gavel?