Wanna know Samantha Ronson’s secret to keeping Lindsay Lohan a lesbian? Punching. Lots and lots of punching. Sam reportedly let the fists fly early yesterday morning at a London nightclub when she saw Lindsay dancing with her ex Calum Best, according to The Sun:

A shocked onlooker revealed yesterday: “Lindsay was having a boogie on the dance floor with Calum. They were getting pretty close to each other and Sam was nowhere to be seen.
“And then all hell broke loose. Sam came screeching up to Lindsay, screaming blue murder and throwing punches. She went ballistic. The pair traded a series of blows before Calum managed to prise them apart. It was a really ugly scene.”

Once out in the lobby the two kissed and made up. And by made up I mean it was Lindsay’s turn to open a can:

Another eyewitness revealed: “Lindsay was furious with what Sam had done. She launched herself at Sam in the lobby. She was spitting at her and clawing at her chest. She was fuming.”

I included pics of Lindsay looking all forlorn outside the club in her car. Never before have I seen a woman so desperately miss the penis. Hang in there, champ. Your career’ll be dead before you know it, and then you can have wang until the cows come home. Don’t stop believing!

UPDATE: Page Six reports Lindsay and Sam are now seeing a couples counselor because of the fight. Apparently, this shit happens a lot which would be hot if Samantha Ronson didn’t look like a coked-out Squiggy from Laverne & Shirley. I went there.

Samantha Ronson took to her MySpace blog yesterday to let PETA know they kind of acted like A-holes by throwing flour at Lindsay Lohan while she was entering a Paris nightclub:

There is a fine line that distinguishes the difference between exercising our freedom of expression and offending others, for example the debate regarding freedom of speech vs. hate speech…. i feel that this principle should apply to protestors also. It’s a pity that some groups feel the need to assault people as opposed to fighting with words.
Whenever I feel the need to vent about something that feels unfair to me I reach for my computer, I don’t run out of the house with abusive intentions. I don’t expect everyone to react the same way, but I do expect people to respect each other. Maybe that’s my first mistake? It seems lately I am learning that there are too many people who put another species before their fellow man and that’s sad. I don’t wear fur, but I don’t think I have the right to ATTACK those who do. No one has that right.
PETA should focus their efforts on educating people on what they believe are injustices instead of seeking press via harassing those in the limelight. I received an apology too many days late from the PETA folks (the blog removal was too little too late) and today I’m pissed at the bag of flour thrown on Lindsay last night. Not because I got powdered down, but because the girl who threw it acted like an animal herself. I take that back, it’s an insult to animals to group her in with them, my dog is FAR more civilized than that person. I would have more respect for them if they didn’t use other people to get their point across. Lindsay, Mary Kate, Ashley Olsen, Anna Wintour and the rest of the targeted celebrities aren’t the problem, I’m pretty sure they’re not the only ones wearing fur, in fact, they should be appreciated by PETA for giving them a target. If it weren’t for them, who would get them press?????
I know I’m probably going to get a lot of angry emails in response, but I don’t really care. I got enough last week for no reason so I’m more than happy to ignore the nastiness after seeing what I saw last night. I’m not about to throw on a fur coat in retaliation, but had I had one within reach, I’m not sure I would have walked away from it.
p.s. when was the last time you saw an animal attack one of its own in defense of a human? hmmmmm….. that’s one to grow on!
p.s.s. i think there are plenty of families that could have used that flour for a meal. nice job, lady.

If Sam’s entry was supposed to be goddamn never-ending therefore making me hungry for veal, Mission Accomplished. On that note, you know what brings out the flavor of veal? Dolphin. I should be a chef. Oh yeah, Emeril, it’s ON!

Lindsay Lohan was pelted with flour on her way into a Paris nightclub last night. She’s been on several Worst Dressed Lists for animal rights group for wearing fur coats. Lindsay was wearing one last night (above) at the time of the pelting. PETA Europe issued the following statement (via E! Online):

“Lindsay Lohan might be able to ignore images of bloody animals skinned alive for their pelts, but we hope a dash of flour will help her rise to the occasion and forsake fur once and for all,” PETA Europe spokesman Robbie LeBlanc said.

Throwing flour at Lindsay Lohan? Jesus. And here I thought Europeans were smarter than us…

*THWAP*
LINDSAY: What the - Aw, no way, they throw blow at you here!
*THWAP*
LINDSAY: Ha ha! This club rocks!
*THWAP*
LINDSAY: Whee!

How many lesbians does it take to get the coke out of your nose?

The world may never know…

In the latest issue of Harper’s Bazaar, Lindsay Lohan admits to being madly in love with DJ Samantha Ronson, though insists she’s not a lesbian but might be bisexual. According to MSNBC:

“I think it’s pretty obvious who I’m seeing,” Lohan told the magazine, which hits newsstands Nov. 18. “I think it’s no shock to anyone that it’s been going on for quite some time … She’s a wonderful person and I love her very much.”

While Ronson is the first woman Lohan has admitted to dating publicly, when asked if she had previously “been with a girl” by Harper’s, the actress replied, “I don’t know, maybe.”

Lohan said she does not consider herself a lesbian, but as for whether she thinks of herself as bisexual, she told the magazine, “maybe.”

“Maybe”? You’re dating a girl who you say you’re in love with and you’re “maybe” bisexual? I guess I can understand where the confusion might come from. If I was dating Samantha Ronson I probably wouldn’t know if I was gay or straight or bisexual either. Hell, I’d probably want somebody to confirm that I was even still in the same species.

Lindsay Lohan is apparently denying she enjoys the sensual comforts of a lady despite the fact Samantha “Gargoyle” Ronson is constantly attached to her hip. The Sun reports:

But Hollywood insider Jo Piazza said: “Linds is adamant she’s not a lesbian and still loves men. She says Sam is the only girl she would go for.”
A friend of the star said: “She has been telling everyone she’s still into guys. She keeps saying if it went wrong with Sam she’d date a guy. She even flirts with guys when they go out.”

Like the old saying goes: “You can take the penis out of Lindsay, but you can’t” - no, that’s definitely not right. Hmmm. Okay, got it: “One in the hand is worth two in the fire-crotch.” I guess cause they melt, I dunno. I never read The Bible.

This is a shot of Lindsay Lohan with Samantha Ronson who DJ’ed a charity event in Washington D.C. over the weekend. So to the people who thought “When did Hayden Christensen go on a month-long coke binge?”: Close, but no cigar/post-op wiener.

Samantha Ronson dropped a bombshell today when she admitted she doesn’t work out. Apparently, the folks at People couldn’t get enough of Sam’s “svelte” figure in a bikini this week. Which leads me to believe they get wet in the pants at the sight of Amy Winehouse - another 12-lines-a-day diet success story:

When asked about the secrets to her slim physique, Ronson, 30, told PEOPLE that less – a lot less – is more: “No gym – well, not in the last five years. All the credit goes to Mom and Dad and their genes!”
Not that she doesn’t indulge in the occasional cardio activity: “Sprinting through airports to catch flights,” Ronson added about her workout “regiment.”
The deejay even jokes about one of her only vices: Marlboro Reds. “I get winded just reaching for my cigarettes!” she said.

She gets winded reaching for her smokes. God, why are all the good ones gay?

Here are shots of Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson’s third day in Mexico. All I’m saying is, would it kill them to go to a nude beach for a change? And by them I mean just Lindsay. Sam can go to the beekeeper’s outfit beach. Or, I dunno, stab a bunch of guys in the crotch with a swordfish. Whatever it is lesbians like to do for fun at the shore. Go nuts.

Here are a buttload of pics from the second day of Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson’s Mexican getaway. Am I crazy or does Sam have some wicked five o’clock shadow going on in that first pic? I mean, wow, I don’t like to shave either on vacation, but then again, the paparazzi don’t disguise themselves as dolphins and take my picture. Sure, everybody’s looking at Lindsay’s jugs, but it never hurts to take a little pride in your appearance. (Read: Hide behind a sand dune.)

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson slip n’ slided down to Mexico yesterday, and I gotta tell you, I am shocked by these photos. Mostly because, after seeing Sam in a bikini, my penis didn’t run off screaming into a wood chipper. Jesus. Who saw that coming?

Lindsay Lohan (seen above on a photo shoot last night) is sparring with her dad in the press again. Page Six has obtained an e-mail from Michael Lohan which he sent to x17online. In it, he criticizes Samantha Ronson and thinks she’s the one behind Lindsay’s latest blog entries. Also he insults her ability to adequately obtain toiletries. I don’t even know:

I don’t believe that the recent blogs posted by ‘Lindsay’ were written by her” and touted, “There is a lot more to Samantha than meets the eye. Not that what we see is so pleasing anyway . . . what’s with this ‘person?’ Look at the way she ‘dresses.’
Once more, she uses her middle finger more than she uses words. Have you ever seen her apartment? For God’s sake, when she runs out of toilet paper she tells people to use the cardboard roll. (I was told this firsthand).

Lindsay, or possibly Sam, fired off an e-mail to Page Six addressing Michael’s mood swings:

My father obviously needs to be on medication to control his moods. He is out of line and his words show how much anger he has, and it’s dangerous and scary as it reminds me of how he treated my mother and I my whole childhood. He needs to be stopped. This is yet another reason why we aren’t speaking.
I am in a great place in life. I have overcome a lot and have been able to learn how to enjoy and appreciate my life in every way possible. I’m proud of myself for being able to make a change in the past year and a half.
My past is behind me, and that’s final. There’s nothing more to be said. All the false accusations that people try to make are simply because there’s no story when things are calm and good.
But they might as well let it go because their lies don’t affect me anymore. Samantha is not evil, I care for her very much and she’s a wonderful girl.
She loves me, as I do her.

I think I speak for all of us when I say to Lindsay and Michael: GET A ROOM! Seriously, quit dragging this thing out and get it over with already. Goddamn…

Lindsay Lohan’s man-thing Samantha Ronson turned down an offer to host a benefit for Rubyfruit “a landmark lesbian watering hole” in New York. It turns out Sam doesn’t do gay clubs, according to Page Six:

“At first, her agent said it was $8,000 for the night plus airfare and hotel. Then, he was informed it was a gay and lesbian bar, we were told she doesn’t do those kind of venues. She doesn’t do gay and lesbian bars and clubs. I thought it was kind of strange considering she’s a lesbian. It would have been really great to have her in there and help . . . It’s really like betraying her sisters. It just doesn’t make sense.”

Curious move - except not really. You see, folks, these two aren’t a gay couple. For more evidence, pick up a copy of my upcoming exposé: “Lindsay Lohan is Not Really a Lesbian Because Samantha Ronson Has a Cock.” Okay, maybe it’s not so much an exposé as an illustrated children’s book, but you get the gist.

Joe Francis stopped by E!’s Hollywood Party Girl where he went off on Lindsay Lohan’s relationship with Samantha Ronson. He claims Sam is a jealous control freak and also has a gigantic penis. How else would she snare Lindsay? Considering the source of this claim is the genius who invented Girls Gone Wild, I believe it. Joe then went on to state what we all know is true: Lindsay is not a lesbian:

“Lindsay’s straight. I think Sam has taken ownership of Lindsay. I think if Sam were to let Lindsay go even that much; Lindsay would revert back to being straight.”

I think if Sam and Lindsay’s relationship ended in murder-suicide, I’d order a pizza. Too real? You’re right. Better make it Mexican.

Lindsay Lohan continues to politically blog and this time takes Sarah Palin to task for her views on homosexuality. Lindsay also uses her MySpace blog to endorse Barack Obama who I’m willing to bet money heard the news and responded with “Aw hell no.”:

I really cannot bite my tongue anymore when it comes to Sarah Palin.
I couldn’t be more supportive of a woman in office, but let’s face it, it comes down to the person, and their beliefs, male or female.
Is it a sin to be gay? Should it be a sin to be straight? Or to use birth control? Or to have sex before marriage? Or even to have a child out of wedlock?
I find it quite interesting that a woman who now is running to be second in command of the United States, only 4 years ago had aspirations to be a television anchor. Which is probably all she is qualified to be… Also interesting that she got her passport in 2006.. And that she is not fond of environmental protection considering she’s FOR drilling for oil in some of our protected land…. Well hey, if she wants to drill for oil, she should DO IT IN HER OWN backyard. This really shows me her complete lack of real preparation to become the second most powerful person in this country.
Hmmmm-All of this gets me going-Fear, Anxiety, Concern, Disappointment, and Stress come into play…
Is our country so divided that the Republicans best hope is a narrow minded, media obsessed homophobe?
I know that the most important thing about this election is that people need to exercise their right to vote, regardless of their choice… I would have liked to have remained impartial, however I am afraid that the “lipstick on a pig” comments will overshadow the issues and the fact that I believe Barack Obama is the best choice, in this election, for president…
Palin’s Desire to “save and convert the gays”-really??
I feel it’s necessary for me to clarify that I am not against Sarah Palin as a mother or woman.
Women have come a long way in the fight to have the choice over what we do with our bodies… And its frightening to see that a woman in 2008 would negate all of that.
Oh, and…Hint Hint Pali Pal- Don’t pose for anymore tabloid covers, you’re not a celebrity, you’re running for office to represent our, your, my COUNTRY!
And in the words of Pamela Anderson, “She can suck it”..
Lindsay- “I have faith that this country will be all that it can be with the proper guidance. I really hope that all of you make your decisions based on the facts and what feels right to you in your heart-vote for obama!”
Samantha- “I love this country- however i wasn’t born here and don’t have the right to vote- so i beg of you all to really do your research and be educated when you cast your vote this coming november…. and if you’re in doubt- vote for obama! Mainly because if she gets elected my green card probably won’t get renewed!!!”

Let me get this straight: If John McCain wins, Samantha Ronson will be deported, and I won’t have to see Man-Thing and Boobzilla again? Shit. Now I’m really torn. What are the candidates’ stances on penis jokes? Breasts? BIKINIS?! Dammit, somebody get me a brochure! This truly is the most important election of our time…

Samantha Ronson has announced her plans to marry Lindsay Lohan before New Year’s which explains the engagement ring Lindsay’s been sporting. Here I thought she was a busty jewel thief. Damn. The Sun reports:

Sam used her DJ slot at top LA hotel and night spot Chateau Marmont to announce the news, telling clubbers: “By the end of this year, my love will be Mrs Ronson.”
She added: “Tonight shows the power of a woman – to underestimate that is to underestimate the world.”

What’s all this “power of a woman” talk? Isn’t Samantha Ronson technically the “man” in this relationship? And by technically I mean she has testicles because you know what I don’t underestimate? SCIENCE.

Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson both took to their celebrity blogs after Michael Lohan publicly called Samantha a “drug” for Lindsay and claimed she would out Lindsay in a tell-all book. Lindsay became so incensed she churned out the following hyphen-laden diatribe on MySpace:

If you have something to say to me, say it to my face- that’s what i have believed my whole life- don’t be a coward and say it to others first, let alone all the media in the world- i think we know where the rest of this blog is going…
If you guessed it had to do with my father- then you guessed right! It really hurts, because i have tried- after all that my mother and siblings have gone through, i really tried to make things work- For the hope of having a father again-wanting things to change- even though people have said, some people will forever remain the same.
Having said that- the people were right, and he is yet to change- but this time, without his daughter by his side- He has become a public embaressment and a bully- To my family, my co-workers, my friends, and a girl that means the world to me (its obvious who that is).
He has no idea what is going on in my life because i have chosen not to involve him in it- His recent attack on my life and my loved ones is simply for an ADDICTION THAT HE HAS- FAME. Why he feels the need to comment on anything in my life that i may want to keep private, is beyond comprehension- If he really cared about me and my life, then he would learn to respect my wishes by staying out of it.
Samantha has not and would never sell me out. Nor has my mother, who is wonderful.
This further proves that any information that my father has about me or the people in my life is internet based- and about as accurate as a page six item.
I’m not going to engage any further, though i probably could go on…
I have said enough, i have a therapist, and it is not the the camera man at x17.

Again, Lindsay calls her mother Dina wonderful. The woman who’s clearly walking behind her thinking “Cha-ching! Also, I need gin NOW.”

Samantha Ronson’s response to Michael Lohan after the jump.

Lindsay Lohan can’t seem to go anywhere without running into someone’s who’s visited La Crotcha de Fuego. Recently, she ran into three of her exes in one night at a West Hollywood club that Samantha Ronson was DJing at. InTouch reports:

“Lindsay chatted with her ex Harry Morton for a few minutes,” a witness explains about the first encounter. “Sam wasn’t thrilled.” Lindsay, 22, was there to support her live-in galpal, who was deejaying the event. But before the night was over, another of Lindsay’s exes, Calum Best, showed up, followed by former girlfriend Courtenay Semel. Although Lindsay’s rep says, “It wasn’t awkward for her to be with all of her exes,” a witness says, “That was definitely enough drama for Lindsay.”

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Lindsay could walk around blindfolded in a Nebraska corn field and still manage to bump into someone she’s had sex with. The only safe place for her is the moon. And even then…

Lindsay Lohan has an undying love of the cock. Or at least that’s what her friends are telling OK! Magazine. Sure, maybe they didn’t use those exact words, but I dare you to draw a different conclusion. No, scratch that. I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU!:

Apparently LiLo has already been flirting with guys, and cracks seem to be appearing in the relationship. On August 5 at the Delano Hotel’s Florida Room, Lindsay, 22, cozied up to other men whenever Sam left her side.
“Lindsay was laughing and giggling with these guys,” an eyewitness tells OK!.

“Lindsay is the aggressive one in the relationship,” an insider tells OK!. “Sam tries to focus on Lindsay, but it’s never enough.” Another friend adds, “Lindsay has to be the center of attention, or she’ll flirt with other guys to make Sam jealous.”
Lindsay’s friend says, “She’ll be with the next guy who catches her eye — she can’t help it!”

Oh yeah, Lindsay Lohan’s playing this one real smart by flirting with other guys. Because Samantha Ronson doesn’t look at all like the jealous Single White Female-type who will stab you in your sleep. She wears a fedora, people!

Lindsay Lohan has an undying love of the cock. Or at least that’s what her friends are telling OK! Magazine. Sure, maybe they didn’t use those exact words, but I dare you to draw a different conclusion. No, scratch that. I DOUBLE DOG DARE YOU!:

Apparently LiLo has already been flirting with guys, and cracks seem to be appearing in the relationship. On August 5 at the Delano Hotel’s Florida Room, Lindsay, 22, cozied up to other men whenever Sam left her side.
“Lindsay was laughing and giggling with these guys,” an eyewitness tells OK!.

“Lindsay is the aggressive one in the relationship,” an insider tells OK!. “Sam tries to focus on Lindsay, but it’s never enough.” Another friend adds, “Lindsay has to be the center of attention, or she’ll flirt with other guys to make Sam jealous.”
Lindsay’s friend says, “She’ll be with the next guy who catches her eye — she can’t help it!”

Oh yeah, Lindsay Lohan’s playing this one real smart by flirting with other guys. Because Samantha Ronson doesn’t look at all like the jealous Single White Female-type who will stab you in your sleep. She wears a fedora, people!