Bristol Palin, everyone’s favorite unwed teenage mom (Jamie Lynn who?), sat down with FOX News last night and dropped two major bombs. Governor Palin’s daughter made Rupert Murdoch’s head explode by saying sexual abstinence is unrealistic and that e …read full story

While I personally believe as an American I have the Zeus-given right to harpoon zebras from a hovercraft (Don’t judge me.), Ashley Judd is taking on Governor Sarah Palin for allowing Alaskans to hunt wolves from planes, according to… …read full story

Seen here attending the Alfalfa Club Annual Banquet by personal invitation from President Obama, Sarah Palin is all cougar. Which raises a philosophical query, as a devout sportswoman, isn’t she technically obligated to hunt herself from a plane? Th …read full story

Sarah Palin’s unwed teenage daughter Bristol Palin gave birth to a baby boy Saturday, according to People:

“We think it’s wonderful,” said Colleen Jones, the sister of Bristol’s grandmother Sally Heath, who confirmed the news. “The baby is fine and Bristol is doing well. Everyone is excited.”
The baby’s name is Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston and he was born at 5:30 a.m., according to Jones.

Tripp? Seriously? I don’t get why Bristol’s being subtle. She might as well name her son “Hey, mom, I smoke my face off and have unprotected sex with my redneck boyfriend every time you’re at church.” I mean, it’s Sarah Palin we’re talking about here. She’s just gonna call the kid a “Maverick” then give him a handgun to play with. “Aw, is there anything more adorable? *BAM* That dog was getting old anyway. *BAM* Hey, it’s not like I can’t remarry. *BAM* Oh, boy, I get to meet Jesus!”

Sarah Palin’s unwed teenage daughter Bristol Palin gave birth to a baby boy Saturday, according to People:

“We think it’s wonderful,” said Colleen Jones, the sister of Bristol’s grandmother Sally Heath, who confirmed the news. “The baby is fine and Bristol is doing well. Everyone is excited.”
The baby’s name is Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston and he was born at 5:30 a.m., according to Jones.

Tripp? Seriously? I don’t get why Bristol’s being subtle. She might as well name her son “Hey, mom, I smoke my face off and have unprotected sex with my redneck boyfriend every time you’re at church.” I mean, it’s Sarah Palin we’re talking about here. She’s just gonna call the kid a “Maverick” then give him a handgun to play with. “Aw, is there anything more adorable? *BAM* That dog was getting old anyway. *BAM* Hey, it’s not like I can’t remarry. *BAM* Oh, boy, I get to meet Jesus!”

Tina Fey is standing by her Sarah Palin impressions and claims they weren’t mean-spirited. In an interview with Barbara Walters, Tina defends her portrayal of the sassy Alaska governor who either captivated your heart or frightened the living piss out of of you. Hollyscoop reports:

Voted one of Barbara Walters “10 Most Fascinating People of 2008,” Tina told Babs: “I never did feel that we were mean to her. We stuck to a lot of things that she herself had said, and I think there is a very strange double standard because it’s a woman portraying another woman. The jokes we used to do about George W. Bush were that he was an idiot. The jokes were aggressive. No one would ever stop and say, ‘Oh, that seems kind of mean.’ “

“A very strange double standard because it’s a woman.” Oh, boy, here we go. It’s 2008, Tina, not the 1970s. Men and women are completely equal now. In fact, once my secretary brings her sweet tush in here with my coffee, I’ll gladly bring you up to speed.

Tina Fey is standing by her Sarah Palin impressions and claims they weren’t mean-spirited. In an interview with Barbara Walters, Tina defends her portrayal of the sassy Alaska governor who either captivated your heart or frightened the living piss out of of you. Hollyscoop reports:

Voted one of Barbara Walters “10 Most Fascinating People of 2008,” Tina told Babs: “I never did feel that we were mean to her. We stuck to a lot of things that she herself had said, and I think there is a very strange double standard because it’s a woman portraying another woman. The jokes we used to do about George W. Bush were that he was an idiot. The jokes were aggressive. No one would ever stop and say, ‘Oh, that seems kind of mean.’ “

“A very strange double standard because it’s a woman.” Oh, boy, here we go. It’s 2008, Tina, not the 1970s. Men and women are completely equal now. In fact, once my secretary brings her sweet tush in here with my coffee, I’ll bring you up to speed.

UPDATE: The AP is reporting Tina Fey’s husband has revealed how she got her scar. Apparently, a stranger walked up to her when she was five and slashed her face while she was playing outside. Jesus Christ! Tina never wanted to talk about it for fear of exploiting the situation. Wow. And she’s absolutely right, because knowing this, Tina Fey could do an impression of me where I’m a transsexual dolphin, and I’d laugh and go “That’s so me! That is sooo me.”

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has answered a resounding “You betcha” to the question “Can she be anymore oblivious?” After pardoning a turkey for Thanksgiving, Governor Palin gave a surreal interview with a local news team yesterday - right in front of a dude slaughtering turkeys. Amazing. My favorite part is the look on the guy’s face as he realizes “Wow, you’re really going to do this.” Then gets back to work because it’s Alaska, and it’s fucking cold out.

In the meantime, someone needs to tell Sarah Palin’s the elections over, so she can stop reciting the words John McCain wrote on the inside of her eyelids ad nauseum. Jesus, lady. I don’t see how Todd Palin doesn’t spend the majority of his day purposely getting rammed in the ear by snowmobiles. Unless he’s somehow immune to shrill.

Thanks to heather! who should be appointed Secretary of the Awesome.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has answered a resounding “You betcha” to the question “Can she be anymore oblivious?” After pardoning a turkey for Thanksgiving, Governor Palin gave a surreal interview with a local news team yesterday - right in front of a dude slaughtering turkeys. Amazing. My favorite part is the look on the guy’s face as he realizes “Wow, you’re really going to do this.” Then gets back to work because it’s Alaska, and it’s fucking cold out.

In the meantime, someone needs to tell Sarah Palin’s the elections over, so she can stop reciting the words John McCain wrote on the inside of her eyelids ad nauseum. Jesus, lady. I don’t see how Todd Palin doesn’t spend the majority of his day purposely getting rammed in the ear by snowmobiles. Unless he’s somehow immune to shrill.

Thanks to heather! who should be appointed Secretary of the Awesome.

Celebuzz got their hands on some exclusive photos of Sarah Palin chilling by the pool at her Miami hotel yesterday. She was in town for the Republican Governors Association meeting where she was all business, but after hours, she’s all sexy a gosh-darn don’tcha know. Not bad looking legs on the Governor. Almost makes me reconsider my vote. Okay, not really, but if she ever wants to shoot some moose together, I’m game.

NOTE: For the record, I hunt Adam & Eve style: Au naturale. Governor?

Remember this lady? Surprise! She’s sticking around. Sarah Palin is being actively pursued by top talent agencies such as CAA, ICM, William Morris and Paradigm. All of them are looking to make her the “White Oprah” complete with book deal by the end of November. Here’s what top professionals in the field told Page Six:

“There are several of our imprints who are eager to talk to Governor Palin,” Random House spokesman Stuart Applebaum said. “She clearly has a constituency and we know books by conservatively-centered politicos usually sell very, very well.”
Public-relations powerhouse Howard Rubenstein added, “She’s poised to make a ton of money.” But he warned, “She ought to keep an eye on what her goals are for 2012. If she plays a game and looks foolish, if she sounds like she doesn’t know what she’s talking about - like saying Africa is a country - she may talk herself out of a political job.”
Linda Mann, president of Mann Media, which books celebrities and fashionistas for TV, noted, “Her buzz is incredible. She has car-wreck appeal. You’re compelled to watch, hoping she’ll say the dumbest things possible. I’d propose a show combining her love of fashion and lack of brainpower - ‘Project Dumbway.’ “

Personally, I don’t care if they give Sarah Palin her own channel and line of collectible figurines. Just as long as she’s nowhere near the nucular codes and I have to watch a press conference where “Cross my heart, I’m just you’re regular Joe Six-Pack who thought Italy was a moose when I fired those doggone missiles. Am I sorry? You betcha. In the meantime, if I start winking it’s not because I’m being folksy, I think the CIA poisoned my latte.”

Remember this lady? Surprise! She’s sticking around. Sarah Palin is being actively pursued by top talent agencies such as CAA, ICM, William Morris and Paradigm. All of them are looking to make her the “White Oprah” complete with book deal by the end of November. Here’s what top professionals in the field told Page Six:

“There are several of our imprints who are eager to talk to Governor Palin,” Random House spokesman Stuart Applebaum said. “She clearly has a constituency and we know books by conservatively-centered politicos usually sell very, very well.”
Public-relations powerhouse Howard Rubenstein added, “She’s poised to make a ton of money.” But he warned, “She ought to keep an eye on what her goals are for 2012. If she plays a game and looks foolish, if she sounds like she doesn’t know what she’s talking about - like saying Africa is a country - she may talk herself out of a political job.”
Linda Mann, president of Mann Media, which books celebrities and fashionistas for TV, noted, “Her buzz is incredible. She has car-wreck appeal. You’re compelled to watch, hoping she’ll say the dumbest things possible. I’d propose a show combining her love of fashion and lack of brainpower - ‘Project Dumbway.’ “

Personally, I don’t care if they give Sarah Palin her own channel and line of collectible figurines. Just as long as she’s nowhere near the nucular codes and I have to watch a press conference where “Cross my heart, I’m just you’re regular Joe Six-Pack who thought Italy was a moose when I fired those doggone missiles. Am I sorry? You betcha. In the meantime, if I start winking it’s not because I’m being folksy, I think the CIA poisoned my latte.”

Two radio DJs from Quebec, who are famous for pulling prank calls, somehow managed to get a hold of Sarah Palin on Saturday and convinced her she was talking to French President Nicolas Sarkozy. And she fucking fell for it. For the record, that is really, no joke, Sarah Palin on the line. Her campaign handlers are obviously pissed but, like idiots, confirmed the interview took place. I would’ve lied my face off because nobody is listening to this thing and thinking “Oh, yes, let’s hand this woman nuclear arm codes. That’ll end well.” We’ll be the only nation in history to perish in an atomic holocaust because The Jerky Boys got through the White House switchboard. Sign me up for that.

Before we dive into today’s posting, did everyone remember to set your clock backs? If you didn’t, congratulations, you can smoke/drink/pray to the Baby Jesus your face off for another hour because you’re ahead of the game!
The Superficial: We’re Like a Freakin’ National Treasure Over Here.

Senator John McCain stopped by Saturday Night Live last night and has to know he lost this thing. He did a QVC infomercial with Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin and this sketch had everything: Joe Biden, William Ayers, Cindy McCain (The real one!) and the infamous “Rogue Sarah.” Give it a watch then try not to build a time machine so you can jump ahead to Wednesday before you jab yourself in the eye with a lapel pin. In the meantime, I need to see a man about a flux capacitor.

UPDATE: It was a shoe. Never trust the homeless.

It’s Friday, so here’s Will Ferrell reprising his classic George W. Bush role alongside Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin on last night’s Primetime Edition of Saturday Night Live. I’m pretty sure something historic just happened here, but then again, I think it’s historic whenever I pour chocolate milk on my Cocoa Krispies. And, on that note, excuse me while I vibrate over to the men’s room to have a sugar-induced panic attack. Whee!

Before everyone births a walrus, I’ve been avoiding these two like the plague. That said, I’ve been bombarded with e-mails today alerting me to Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s latest, and most shitass, photo shoot yet. In an obvious effort to get my attention, the Douche Twins posed in Sarah Palin shirts while holding a shotgun, six-pack and Harry Browne’s book “You Can Profit From a Monetary Crisis.” This, of course, comes extremely close to meeting condition #2 of my criteria for post-worthiness:

However, to show that I’m not an unreasonable man and for the sake of journalist integrity, I will make the following exceptions in allowing you on this site:
1. Heidi wears a bikini.
2. Heidi covers her topless chest in maple syrup while stumping for Sarah Palin at a Klan rally.

Granted, there’s no Aunt Jemima or Klansmen, these two asshats couldn’t be more gay for Sarah Palin if they started throwing Bibles at poor people. Anyway, to all my conservative readers, feel free to thank Heidi & Spencer for officially costing you the election. In fact, you can pinpoint the exact moment John McCain loses in these pictures: Right when someone forgot to load the gun. Smooth.

Do you enjoy porn and political satire? Of course, we all do. So, being the Pro-American that I am, I’ve included the first minute of the Who’s Nailin’ Paylin’? parody after the jump which was obviously shot on a way smaller budget than the real Sarah Palin’s $150K wardrobe allowance. In fact, I’m pretty sure these people were paid in hamburgers. That said, the special effects are pretty sweet. I loved the tank crashing into the pipeline. It’s sort of symbolic of America’s dependence on foreign oil and, more importantly, the boner I’m about to have later.

NOTE: Video is safe for work unless your employer has a strict “no shitty acting” policy.

Tina Fey has been thrust into the political spotlight this election year ever since John McCain picked her Alaskan doppelganger Sarah Palin to be his running mate. Initially, Tina didn’t see the resemblance but now wishes the two looked more alike, according to the latest issue of TV Guide:

“When I first saw her, I didn’t think we looked alike at all. Then during the convention, I started to think, ‘Ok, maybe a little.’
“I’ll tell you, that lady is five times better-looking than I am. She’s 44? She’s got none of that droopy s–t. She’s keeping it tight!”

And that’s an endorsement. Quick, somebody slap that shit on a bumper sticker: “Sarah Palin: 1 out of 1 liberal comedians that look like her agree: ‘She’s tight like prom night.’ McCain/Palin ‘08. AWWW YEAH!“

Sarah Palin made her highly-publicized Saturday Night Live appearance and, honestly, didn’t do a whole lot. I expected some pizazz, you know? She’s the fucking Ron Burgundy of politics. C’mon! If it’s in front of her, she’ll say it in that folksy voice of hers that makes you wonder how long Alaska’s been a town in Wisconsin. Instead, what do we get? Sarah Palin standing around while Alec Baldwin pretends to think she’s Tina Fey. LAME. Okay, maybe, I’m overreacting a bit because I was convinced Sarah and Tina were going to make-out in Stars N’ Stripes bikinis. Such imagery would’ve brought our divided nation together towards a common goal. I dunno what exactly that goal would be, but I guarantee there’d be nachos and strippers there. Ooh, and mini golf. Who doesn’t love that shit? (Hint: Terrorists.)

Bonus Mark Wahlberg cameo after the jump.

It’s official: Sarah Palin is doing Saturday Night Live. The McCain campaign confirmed the Alaska Governor will make a guest appearance on this weekend’s show with host Josh Brolin. For the past few weeks, Tina Fey has been doing an uncanny impersonation of Sarah Palin which the governor was taking in stride but might not be digging so much these days a gee golly don’tcha know. People reports:

It was hard to tell whether the Palins are still laughing along with Fey. When a reporter noted that Fey plays the vice presidential candidate as bubble-headed, Sarah retorted: “That’s funny, I kind of play her bubble-headed, too, when I imitate her.”
Chimes in husband Todd Palin about his wife: “She’s been impersonating Tina Fey longer than Tina Fey’s been doing Sarah Palin.”

Oh my god, a husband and wife comedy team. Hilarious! *puts gun in mouth*