Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has answered a resounding “You betcha” to the question “Can she be anymore oblivious?” After pardoning a turkey for Thanksgiving, Governor Palin gave a surreal interview with a local news team yesterday - right in front of a dude slaughtering turkeys. Amazing. My favorite part is the look on the guy’s face as he realizes “Wow, you’re really going to do this.” Then gets back to work because it’s Alaska, and it’s fucking cold out.

In the meantime, someone needs to tell Sarah Palin’s the elections over, so she can stop reciting the words John McCain wrote on the inside of her eyelids ad nauseum. Jesus, lady. I don’t see how Todd Palin doesn’t spend the majority of his day purposely getting rammed in the ear by snowmobiles. Unless he’s somehow immune to shrill.

Thanks to heather! who should be appointed Secretary of the Awesome.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has answered a resounding “You betcha” to the question “Can she be anymore oblivious?” After pardoning a turkey for Thanksgiving, Governor Palin gave a surreal interview with a local news team yesterday - right in front of a dude slaughtering turkeys. Amazing. My favorite part is the look on the guy’s face as he realizes “Wow, you’re really going to do this.” Then gets back to work because it’s Alaska, and it’s fucking cold out.

In the meantime, someone needs to tell Sarah Palin’s the elections over, so she can stop reciting the words John McCain wrote on the inside of her eyelids ad nauseum. Jesus, lady. I don’t see how Todd Palin doesn’t spend the majority of his day purposely getting rammed in the ear by snowmobiles. Unless he’s somehow immune to shrill.

Thanks to heather! who should be appointed Secretary of the Awesome.

Celebuzz got their hands on some exclusive photos of Sarah Palin chilling by the pool at her Miami hotel yesterday. She was in town for the Republican Governors Association meeting where she was all business, but after hours, she’s all sexy a gosh-darn don’tcha know. Not bad looking legs on the Governor. Almost makes me reconsider my vote. Okay, not really, but if she ever wants to shoot some moose together, I’m game.

NOTE: For the record, I hunt Adam & Eve style: Au naturale. Governor?

Remember this lady? Surprise! She’s sticking around. Sarah Palin is being actively pursued by top talent agencies such as CAA, ICM, William Morris and Paradigm. All of them are looking to make her the “White Oprah” complete with book deal by the end of November. Here’s what top professionals in the field told Page Six:

“There are several of our imprints who are eager to talk to Governor Palin,” Random House spokesman Stuart Applebaum said. “She clearly has a constituency and we know books by conservatively-centered politicos usually sell very, very well.”
Public-relations powerhouse Howard Rubenstein added, “She’s poised to make a ton of money.” But he warned, “She ought to keep an eye on what her goals are for 2012. If she plays a game and looks foolish, if she sounds like she doesn’t know what she’s talking about - like saying Africa is a country - she may talk herself out of a political job.”
Linda Mann, president of Mann Media, which books celebrities and fashionistas for TV, noted, “Her buzz is incredible. She has car-wreck appeal. You’re compelled to watch, hoping she’ll say the dumbest things possible. I’d propose a show combining her love of fashion and lack of brainpower - ‘Project Dumbway.’ “

Personally, I don’t care if they give Sarah Palin her own channel and line of collectible figurines. Just as long as she’s nowhere near the nucular codes and I have to watch a press conference where “Cross my heart, I’m just you’re regular Joe Six-Pack who thought Italy was a moose when I fired those doggone missiles. Am I sorry? You betcha. In the meantime, if I start winking it’s not because I’m being folksy, I think the CIA poisoned my latte.”

Remember this lady? Surprise! She’s sticking around. Sarah Palin is being actively pursued by top talent agencies such as CAA, ICM, William Morris and Paradigm. All of them are looking to make her the “White Oprah” complete with book deal by the end of November. Here’s what top professionals in the field told Page Six:

“There are several of our imprints who are eager to talk to Governor Palin,” Random House spokesman Stuart Applebaum said. “She clearly has a constituency and we know books by conservatively-centered politicos usually sell very, very well.”
Public-relations powerhouse Howard Rubenstein added, “She’s poised to make a ton of money.” But he warned, “She ought to keep an eye on what her goals are for 2012. If she plays a game and looks foolish, if she sounds like she doesn’t know what she’s talking about - like saying Africa is a country - she may talk herself out of a political job.”
Linda Mann, president of Mann Media, which books celebrities and fashionistas for TV, noted, “Her buzz is incredible. She has car-wreck appeal. You’re compelled to watch, hoping she’ll say the dumbest things possible. I’d propose a show combining her love of fashion and lack of brainpower - ‘Project Dumbway.’ “

Personally, I don’t care if they give Sarah Palin her own channel and line of collectible figurines. Just as long as she’s nowhere near the nucular codes and I have to watch a press conference where “Cross my heart, I’m just you’re regular Joe Six-Pack who thought Italy was a moose when I fired those doggone missiles. Am I sorry? You betcha. In the meantime, if I start winking it’s not because I’m being folksy, I think the CIA poisoned my latte.”

Two radio DJs from Quebec, who are famous for pulling prank calls, somehow managed to get a hold of Sarah Palin on Saturday and convinced her she was talking to French President Nicolas Sarkozy. And she fucking fell for it. For the record, that is really, no joke, Sarah Palin on the line. Her campaign handlers are obviously pissed but, like idiots, confirmed the interview took place. I would’ve lied my face off because nobody is listening to this thing and thinking “Oh, yes, let’s hand this woman nuclear arm codes. That’ll end well.” We’ll be the only nation in history to perish in an atomic holocaust because The Jerky Boys got through the White House switchboard. Sign me up for that.

Before we dive into today’s posting, did everyone remember to set your clock backs? If you didn’t, congratulations, you can smoke/drink/pray to the Baby Jesus your face off for another hour because you’re ahead of the game!
The Superficial: We’re Like a Freakin’ National Treasure Over Here.

Senator John McCain stopped by Saturday Night Live last night and has to know he lost this thing. He did a QVC infomercial with Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin and this sketch had everything: Joe Biden, William Ayers, Cindy McCain (The real one!) and the infamous “Rogue Sarah.” Give it a watch then try not to build a time machine so you can jump ahead to Wednesday before you jab yourself in the eye with a lapel pin. In the meantime, I need to see a man about a flux capacitor.

UPDATE: It was a shoe. Never trust the homeless.

It’s Friday, so here’s Will Ferrell reprising his classic George W. Bush role alongside Tina Fey’s Sarah Palin on last night’s Primetime Edition of Saturday Night Live. I’m pretty sure something historic just happened here, but then again, I think it’s historic whenever I pour chocolate milk on my Cocoa Krispies. And, on that note, excuse me while I vibrate over to the men’s room to have a sugar-induced panic attack. Whee!

Before everyone births a walrus, I’ve been avoiding these two like the plague. That said, I’ve been bombarded with e-mails today alerting me to Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt’s latest, and most shitass, photo shoot yet. In an obvious effort to get my attention, the Douche Twins posed in Sarah Palin shirts while holding a shotgun, six-pack and Harry Browne’s book “You Can Profit From a Monetary Crisis.” This, of course, comes extremely close to meeting condition #2 of my criteria for post-worthiness:

However, to show that I’m not an unreasonable man and for the sake of journalist integrity, I will make the following exceptions in allowing you on this site:
1. Heidi wears a bikini.
2. Heidi covers her topless chest in maple syrup while stumping for Sarah Palin at a Klan rally.

Granted, there’s no Aunt Jemima or Klansmen, these two asshats couldn’t be more gay for Sarah Palin if they started throwing Bibles at poor people. Anyway, to all my conservative readers, feel free to thank Heidi & Spencer for officially costing you the election. In fact, you can pinpoint the exact moment John McCain loses in these pictures: Right when someone forgot to load the gun. Smooth.

Do you enjoy porn and political satire? Of course, we all do. So, being the Pro-American that I am, I’ve included the first minute of the Who’s Nailin’ Paylin’? parody after the jump which was obviously shot on a way smaller budget than the real Sarah Palin’s $150K wardrobe allowance. In fact, I’m pretty sure these people were paid in hamburgers. That said, the special effects are pretty sweet. I loved the tank crashing into the pipeline. It’s sort of symbolic of America’s dependence on foreign oil and, more importantly, the boner I’m about to have later.

NOTE: Video is safe for work unless your employer has a strict “no shitty acting” policy.

Tina Fey has been thrust into the political spotlight this election year ever since John McCain picked her Alaskan doppelganger Sarah Palin to be his running mate. Initially, Tina didn’t see the resemblance but now wishes the two looked more alike, according to the latest issue of TV Guide:

“When I first saw her, I didn’t think we looked alike at all. Then during the convention, I started to think, ‘Ok, maybe a little.’
“I’ll tell you, that lady is five times better-looking than I am. She’s 44? She’s got none of that droopy s–t. She’s keeping it tight!”

And that’s an endorsement. Quick, somebody slap that shit on a bumper sticker: “Sarah Palin: 1 out of 1 liberal comedians that look like her agree: ‘She’s tight like prom night.’ McCain/Palin ‘08. AWWW YEAH!“

Sarah Palin made her highly-publicized Saturday Night Live appearance and, honestly, didn’t do a whole lot. I expected some pizazz, you know? She’s the fucking Ron Burgundy of politics. C’mon! If it’s in front of her, she’ll say it in that folksy voice of hers that makes you wonder how long Alaska’s been a town in Wisconsin. Instead, what do we get? Sarah Palin standing around while Alec Baldwin pretends to think she’s Tina Fey. LAME. Okay, maybe, I’m overreacting a bit because I was convinced Sarah and Tina were going to make-out in Stars N’ Stripes bikinis. Such imagery would’ve brought our divided nation together towards a common goal. I dunno what exactly that goal would be, but I guarantee there’d be nachos and strippers there. Ooh, and mini golf. Who doesn’t love that shit? (Hint: Terrorists.)

Bonus Mark Wahlberg cameo after the jump.

It’s official: Sarah Palin is doing Saturday Night Live. The McCain campaign confirmed the Alaska Governor will make a guest appearance on this weekend’s show with host Josh Brolin. For the past few weeks, Tina Fey has been doing an uncanny impersonation of Sarah Palin which the governor was taking in stride but might not be digging so much these days a gee golly don’tcha know. People reports:

It was hard to tell whether the Palins are still laughing along with Fey. When a reporter noted that Fey plays the vice presidential candidate as bubble-headed, Sarah retorted: “That’s funny, I kind of play her bubble-headed, too, when I imitate her.”
Chimes in husband Todd Palin about his wife: “She’s been impersonating Tina Fey longer than Tina Fey’s been doing Sarah Palin.”

Oh my god, a husband and wife comedy team. Hilarious! *puts gun in mouth*

These are publicity shots from Hustler’s politically-inspired porno Nailin’ Paylin’ starring Lisa Ann. Centuries from now, historians will unearth this patriotic display of free speech and remember what a proud and majestic democracy America once was. Then they’ll get space boners. True story.

NOTE: Last pic links to NSFW version of the first nipples I’ve ever seen that could fight their own war on terror - and win.

Ha ha! Remember Crazy Britney? Good times. Except when it comes to taking the blame which brings us to Lynne Spears who continues to promote her new book Through the Storm: How I Pimped My Children Then Profited from their Downfall Thanks to Your Purchase. Today she stopped by FOX News’ The Morning Show With Mike and Juliet where Lynne convinced nobody but herself that she cashed in on her kids:

On Britney and Jamie Lynn’s careers:
“People think I was this stage mom, that I was pushing my daughters to do what they did. I was actually their cheerleader. I have never been their manager, that’s never been my role. I was the one that got their coffee in the morning and [got them] out of bed.”

On Kevin Federline:
“I do like Kevin. He has been good to us,” she says. “Kevin could have been a real pill about a lot of things, but he wasn’t. He worked with us and has really tried to make everything good for the boys. He has thought about them through all of this.”

On Sarah Palin:
“I’m glad she didn’t have to go through as much scrutiny as I did. Nobody wants their children to have these kinds of hardships or bumps. Who would want that?”

Some conspiracy theorists (Read: Me) theorize that Lynne Spears slept with Kevin Federline thus sending Britney into a psychological tail spin. And, is it me, or did Lynne just admit that when she said “I do like Kevin.”? Everyone knows it’s scientifically impossible to like something but not have sex with it. Coincidentally, this is also the same excuse I used for why I ruined the turkey during Thanksgiving dinner last year. I expect the same response here: SUCCESS!

Paris Hilton is continuing her cute, little “presidential campaign” in the latest issue of Harper’s Bazaar. When she’s not shilling for Rock Band 2 (Gotta love those MTV contracts), Paris had some friendly advice for a certain vice-presidential candidate:

My advice to Sarah Palin is, you’ve got a hot bod; don’t keep it to yourself. Why wear a pantsuit when you can wear a swimsuit? Welcome to the Lower 48, girlfriend.

With their candidate down in the polls, you know someone in the McCain campaign just read this and went “Hmm. Maybe…” Unfortunately, that person was John McCain who collapsed shortly thereafter from a condition known as “old guy boner.” It happens.

NOTE: Take part in democracy by weighing in on the Paris Hilton vs. Heidi & Spencer debate going on now which is truly the greatest issue facing our country today. (Next to that economy thing.)

I’ve been posting about celebrities who want Sarah Palin to get feline AIDS, so it’s only fair I talk about the ones who support the governor of Alaska. In this case, legendary actor/director and self-described libertarian Clint Eastwood shared his thoughts on the recent vice-presidential debate. Page Six reports:

One of the candidates the other night seemed more prone to telling the truth than the other,” Eastwood said. The cheese-and-Chardonnay crowd laughed, presumably because they thought he meant Joe Biden.
But the laughs among the 300 worshipful movie buffs at the Directors Guild theater dried up when Ross interjected, “I liked her, too!”
Eastwood went on to talk about how well “she” did, although he stopped short of a ringing endorsement.

This is the part where I’m supposed to tell Clint Eastwood, like all the other celebrities, to keep his mouth shut about politics. Except, I don’t care if he is 100, that’s the face of a man who would come to my house and beat me to death with a railroad track - with the train still on it. CHOO CHOO!

Madonna “Guns” Ciccone kicked off her “Sticky & Sweet” tour in the U.S. and decided to take a swipe at Governor Sarah Palin that’s so nonsensical it makes Lindsay fucking Lohan sound like Edward R. Murrow. Somewhere, Senator Obama just went “These white women are killin’ me!” Page Six reports:

The Material Mom indulged her Republican-hating ways, shouting, “Sarah Palin can’t come to my party. Sarah Palin can’t come to my show. It’s nothing personal.” Then the kabbalah queen told the crowd, “Here’s the sound of Sarah Palin’s husband’s snowmobile when it won’t start,” followed by a loud screeching noise.

Wow. That was literally the worst attempt at political humor I’ve ever seen in my life. (Including Ross Perot’s existence.) I think I speak for everyone when I say that Madonna should stick to what she knows: Battling the Thundercats as Mumm-Ra, THE EVER LIVING!

What if Sarah Palin played Tina Fey playing Sarah Palin playing Tina Fey? My answer: The universe would collapse on itself with a quiet “We’re mavericks, don’tcha know.” But, apparently, the folks over at NBC and the McCain campaign aren’t concerned with the very fabric of our existence, according to the Chicago Sun-Times:

Some key McCain staffers are content with Palin joking about the “SNL” routines on the campaign trail — as when she scribbled “I’m not Tina Fey” on a supporter’s cell phone and said she’d dressed as Fey on Halloween. But others — including the governor herself — think a return punch on the NBC airwaves is what’s needed.

My political beliefs aside, I’ll admit it’d be a good show. Because if the debates taught us anything, it’s that Sarah Palin is awesome at memorizing words she doesn’t know the meaning of - like “vice-president.” Hi-YO! I’ll be in the Catskills all week, folks. Try the veal.

EDIT: Moved the SNL debate video after the jump.

Hey, Republicans, these two all yours! The new charitable Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt helped kick off the Taco Bell Reality Check Challenge yesterday which helps stop world hunger. When asked about the Vice Presidential Debate, Spencer endorsed his hackey mam of choice Sarah Palin, according to Hollyscoop:

“Well I got my six pack in the car I am a true American like Sarah so were good.”

Perfect, you’ve got your sixer just like Suzie MooseShot. Now here’s what to do if you truly are Spencer Pratt: Lover of Freedom: Down those suckers, pop Heidi in the passenger seat, then play a little game I like to call “How Many Trees Can I Knock Over With My Car Doing 80.” Ready GO!

NOTE: Video after the jump that should disqualify these jokers from any future charity events even if the cure for AIDS is oozing from their pores.