Jennifer Lopez has been successfully converted to Scientology by her best friend and King of Queens star Leah Remini (above). In an interview with The Daily Beast, J. Lo admits she’d let her children attend a Scientology school then basically confesses she’s a follower herself:

“I do know a lot about Scientology. And I know about the practices. I know all about what the technology is and all that kind of stuff. It’s very helpful. So in a sense, yeah, you do call on it.”
“Do you consider yourself a Scientologist?”
“No…I wouldn’t have a problem saying [I was] because I know what it is. I have no problems with it and it really actually bothers me that people have such a negative feeling towards it.”
“That it is too exotic? Too cultish?”
“Just negative feelings.”
“Would you consider schooling Emme and Max in a Scientology school?”
“Yeah. I wouldn’t mind. Not at all. Because I know that the technologies that they have are very helpful…It’s all about communication. That’s the thing I really don’t like about talking about this. I do know so many great people who do do it, who choose it as a lifestyle and really follow it and it is their religion…I just wish that people wouldn’t judge it without knowing what it is.”

Yes. I, too, wish people wouldn’t judge a religion that drains your bank account and tells you invisible beings control your daily life. But enough about Christianity. Now, as for Scientology, c’mon, it was invented by a science fiction writer who wanted to make a quick buck. That’s like George Lucas claiming Star Wars is real and for $1,000 he’ll teach you how to use the Force to get laid. - - Do you think he takes PayPal?

Amy Winehouse could be joining the ranks of Tom Cruise. She’s been contacted by the Church of Scientology who think they can cure her using their Narconon system which, God Xenu willing, involves sticking your face in a volcano. The Daily Mirror reports:

One of Amy’s inner circle tells me: “She had a call from the celebrity branch of the Church Of Scientology. She thinks they got her number through one of the American music producers who worked on her Back to Black album. They told her they wanted to help her beat drugs and could tailor-make a programme so she wouldn’t have to go to a residential centre. She liked that idea because her husband Blake is out of prison soon and wouldn’t want to be away from him when he’s finally freed.”

Judging by these pics, I’m sure Amy’s father Mitch is open to any help he can get:

MITCH: Amy, love, these Scientologist blokes want to help.
AMY: Me ass, daddy. They want to turn me into a zombie like the Katie Holmes fellow.
MITCH: Will you just hear them out?
AMY: I’ll shit me in bloody shoe first.
MITCH: Amy, dear, you already shat in your shoe.
AMY: I mean me other ones.
MITCH: Those too.
AMY: Right… let me see your shoe a bit then, dad?
MITCH: No.

Tom Cruise (giving us the Klaatu Stare above) and Katie Holmes moved into their new Beverly Hills home over the weekend and threw a little housewarming party. And Oprah came! OMG! Okay, I’m calm, I’m calm. It turns out the party also had an ulterior motive steeped in Scientology. Go figure. Page Six has the details:

One attendee said, “Everyone he’s been having issues with was invited: Sumner Redstone, Steven Spielberg, Oprah Winfrey, you name it. Then there were all the gays, which was hilarious because Scientology ‘cures’ gays . . . There’s a tenet in Scientology that basically says, ‘After you cut people off, you have to invite them back in.’”

Dammit, Tom. Can’t you just have people over to keep up the illusion your marriage isn’t a sham without involving Scientology for once? And while we’re at it, Xenu Pictionary BLOWS! Yup, I went there. But, I’ll admit, the Thetan meatballs are pretty damn tasty. What are they made of again? The homeless? Oh, that’s nice.

Tom Cruise is in the “risky business” (Swish!) of trying to resell himself as the mega movie star of yore. Today, he launched his new website Tom Cruise.com that includes a special message from Tom. I’m not going to run it here because a.) goddamn thing won’t copy and paste and b.) I fell asleep after the first sentence. The website suspiciously makes no mention of Katie Holmes, Scientology or even little Suri. It’s all about Tom, which makes me think it’s more of a really, really expensive singles ad. In fact, I happen to have a rough draft of Tom’s open letter to his fans that he wrote himself unlike the current letter which was written by some kid who just got beaten with a copy of “Dianetics.” I now present to you, in its entirety, Tom Cruise’s original message to his fans:

Greetings!

Thomas J. Cruise

*Only words spoken by Ben Stiller that me laugh - and I totally stole it. Please, don’t sue!

Apparently Katie Holmes recklessness (She spoke during dinner.) is getting out of hand, so Tom Cruise signed her up for an intense three-day session of Scientology Boot Camp. Star reports:

“It included various tests, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes,” a Scientology insider reveals. “Tom insists that auditing and purification practices are incredibly beneficial to Scientologists at all levels.”
Katie’s intensive Scientology training and treatments have been accelerated in recent weeks, says another source, because she wanted to go to New York City without Tom to star in a Broadway play. But Tom stepped in and put the kibosh on her plans. And now Katie’s been going in for a series of intensive auditing sessions, some which have lasted for 36 hours straight — with little sleep or food.

Above you can see Katie utilizing the always-cleansing “Xenu scream.” It can only be ended by the insertion of a “Thetan rod.” However, when everyone looked to Tom Cruise to take action, he balked and replied “Eww! With a girl?! GROSS!” Then he jumped on the back of a bee and flew to safety.

Thanks to veggi who’s a drill sergeant at Camp Kickass.