Could Traci Bingham be anymore trashy?

I so went there.

NOTE: Photos are quasi-NSFW depending on your boss’ eyesight. But just in case:

NO NIPPLES HERE! JUST INSANE LEVELS OF PRODUCTIVITY AND NOT TRACI BINGHAM’S HUGE AREOLAS! ABSOLUTELY NO SLIGHTLY VISIBLE NIPPLES THAT REMIND ME OF YOUR WIFE’S LUSCIOUS BREASTS FROM LAST YEAR’S CHRISTMAS PARTY! THOSE ARE NOT ON THE SCREEN I’M ABOUT TO MINIMIZE BECAUSE I SAW YOU LOOKING! I HAVE KIDS!

(You’re welcome.)

These are shots of Britney Spears going to the dance studio today, and if you’re like me, your first reaction will be “Shazam! She’s getting that body back.” Then you’ll notice something’s not quite right. I’ll let you figure it out for yourself, but, in the grand scheme of things, I’ve been with chicks who’ve had way worse problems/testicles. This is nothin’.

These are shots of Lindsay Lohan out shopping yesterday with no bra and a just barely see-through top. I’m not going to say I spent all morning scouring for nipples, but then again, I wouldn’t be a hero if I didn’t. On a related note, pressing your cornea directly against a computer monitor can cause temporary blindness which, surprisingly, is not relieved by contact with a stripper’s boob tassel. This proves, once again, my father knows dick about medicine, but God bless the man for trying.

Shauna Sand flashed her panties for the second time this week while getting out of her car at Katsuya. Someone needs to explain to Shauna this is only hot for celebrities who aren’t on the cusp of menopause. So, unless she has a machine that can reverse the effects of time or turn me into Lorenzo Lamas, seriously, cut that shit out. In the meantime, I like how she’s getting hit on by Marilyn Manson’s kid brother “Howie.”

SHAUNA: Go away.
HOWIE: My mom gave me twenty bucks.
SHAUNA: I immediately find you attractive.

The opening of Katie Holmes’ Broadway show All My Sons was picketed last night by members of the Internet group Anonymous. Protestors wore Guy Fawkes mask ala V for Vendetta, according to Us Magazine:

The group was wearing masks and shouted, “We are not boycotting Katie, we are not boycotting the play, we are protesting Scientology. It is evil. Scientology kills people. It follows you home at night. It is perverted.”
A spokesperson for Anonymous spoke to Us recently about the planned action. “We are going to be there not only in protest of The Church of Scientology,” a member of the group told Us, “we would love to see Katie Holmes get away from this evil cult before it’s to late.”

Some members held up signs that read “Free Katie.” I hear Anonymous even attempted to kidnap Katie and take her to safety. But halfway to their destination they realized something was amiss when “Katie” kept laughing and telling her captors “You know what would cure me? Butt sex. Just sayin’.” Five minutes later they pulled over and tossed Tom Cruise off a bridge who, sadly, landed on the back of a bee and flew to safety. True story.

EDIT: Reader Cuno is more alert than I am this morning. That is definitely Katie Holmes’ nipple in the first two pics. I had to check twice because it’s practically the size of a saucer. But, it’s official: we have nip and I was, uh, testing you guys. Yeah…

Shauna Sand flashed her panties before arriving at Sunset One last night in a see-through outfit. Jesus. The only thing missing from these pics is Shauna having sex with a midget on top of a horse. Then again, it wasn’t a special occasion, so it looks like we’ll have to wait for Columbus Day. Aw, no fair…

NOTE: Pic links to potentially NSFW version because, without consulting a gynecologist, I can’t tell if that’s labia, or Shauna Sand is smuggling deli meat. It’s a toss-up.

Katie “Jordan” Price went to Ripley’s Believe it or Not museum last night wearing a see-through dress and what appear to be Granny panties. If that’s not erotic to you guys, then I need to stop huffing glue at my desk. Anyway, I also included shots of her new clothing line launch: KP Equestrian. I’m not even fazed by her outfit but I’m trying to figure out who the hell handed Katie Price money to design clothing for slutty equestrians? Frankly, I wasn’t aware there’s a large population of promiscuous female jockeys out there, but on that note, I need to see a man about a horse. I mean, a lady. A lady.

Lindsay Lohan was spotted around town wearing a see through shirt without her bra on. You know, if I had giant breasts I probably wouldn’t wear a bra either. Hell, I probably wouldn’t even wear a shirt. No, I imagine my days would be filled in front of a camcorder rolling around in a tub. And that tub? May or may not be filled with Jell-O.*

*It is.

NOTE: Pics link to either NSFW or LSFW versions, depending on how good your eyesight is.

Suddenly, Jennifer Aniston’s nipple sonar went off: Somebody was popping nips and their names wasn’t Jennifer Aniston.

And then it happened: Jennifer Aniston’s assistant, clearly gone suicidal, attempted to block the nipples with her purse. Her body would later be found in a sand dune on a Mexican beach. The police deduced the culprit’s identity by the two punctures wound in the back, but who would dare prosecute? Anyone worth their badge knew you didn’t go after the nipples. Not in this town. Not in any town…

Rihanna hit the clubs last night in New York City and apparently decided to fly sans bra. These pics might be considered LSFW depending on your boss’ vision. If he clearly sees nipples, that man’s in the wrong line of work and should be a goddamn Army sniper. I’ve been staring at these things for hours like it’s a Magic Eye picture. So far all I’ve seen is a tugboat, two polar bears kissing and Edgar Winter.

You’d think being a former Playboy model and ex-wife of Lorenzo Lamas would’ve rocketed Shauna Sand to a level of fame not yet seen heretofore. Sadly, that’s not the case. Shauna’s forced to wear see-through clothing for attention which caused this writer to look up her Wikipedia bio and figure out who the hell she was. Fun fact: Shauna got a Bachelor of Arts in International Business Administration from The American University of Paris. Nothing about this woman says college education, but yet here it is. And the Interweb don’t lie. That said, has anyone seen my Bat-copter? It’s the one with supermodels hanging from the propellers. Don’t worry, they’ve got helmets.

Pamela Anderson has made it her mission to show the entire Northern Hemisphere her nipples. Here she is at a Grand Prix party she threw in Montreal over the weekend. Her shirt is a tad on the transparent side which is convenient considering her bra is a tad on the not-freaking-there side. Fancy! It’s almost like Pam looks in the mirror every day and thinks of new ways to showcase her nips: “Hmm, this shirt is nice, but it needs something - Bingo! Hearts cut out of the chest so my Tic-Tacs stick out! Yippee! Now, if only I was allowed near sharp objects…”

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW version but, really, are Pamela Anderson’s nipples that taboo? They’re so commonplace these days it’s like looking at a traffic light - with breasts.

I know what you guys are thinking: “He can’t end on a Heidi Montag post!” And, you’re absolutely right. Where are my manners? To make up for my terrible faux pas here’s something that’s hot, unusual, a bit off the beaten path and won’t be around for very long. I’m, of course, talking about a pregnant Jessica Alba wearing a see-through shirt and no bra to restrain her milk jugs. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: Lactation is the bee’s knees. (Except for that whole part where the baby pops out. That’s more like the bee’s taint if you will. Medically speaking.)

NOTE: Uncensored pics are possibly NSFW depending on how good you are at squinting and making out blurry nipples.

At first I didn’t recognize Danity Kane’s Aubrey O’Day without Kim Kardashian’s ass in her face. Then I didn’t recognize her even more because it took me about 12 hours to look at her face. I was, uh, admiring her jeans. So, yeah, basically, what I’m getting at is after a long day of deep, intellectual discussion on race, reuniting with our old friend Britney and tackling the injustices of pregnancy, there’s nothing like a set of visible nipples to bring us all together. Group hug!

Before having promiscuous sex with a photographer, Britney Spears walked around Saturday in a ridiculously see-through shirt, and, oh, holy night, no bra! It’s a Christmas miracle. Kind of. I think. All I know is my penis is glowing bright red like Rudolph’s nose and I dunno if that’s good or bad. Hey, here comes Santa Claus. You want my dong to guide your sleigh tonight? Sure. Why not? Let’s save Christmas, jolly man. But wait. *holds a candy cane to his ear* Baby Jesus is on the phone. He says we should get lap dances first. Your treat.

Happy Holidays everybody! See you guys Wednesday.

All the pics are NSFW. (Hint: It’s because of the nipples.)

Britney Spears went clubbing with pal Alli Sims this weekend but not before making a pit stop at Starbucks where the paparazzi caught some shots of her transparent-ish shirt. If you look really hard at your monitor and kind of squint, you can almost see a nipple. Why someone would do that, I dunno. I just used a magnifying glass and the power of imagination. Sort of like how my girlfriend looks at my penis. She says it’s because she needs glasses, but then how did she win that archery contest the other day?

Hayden Panettiere stopped at a headshot studio in LA yesterday and her shirt is a little more transparent than she thought. While sadly you only see her bra, it’s a start, I suppose. In the meantime, I don’t get why Hayden’s even wearing a shirt to get a headshot. I mean, they’re only photographing your face. I go completely topless when I get mine done. Then again, there’s very few times when I wear a shirt. I think I wore one for my sister’s wedding. I made it about ten minutes into the reception until I ripped my shirt off, stood up on a table and asked “Who wants to feel the thunder?” Unfortunately, my sister and her husband didn’t feel this service was worth the $50 grand I attempted to charge them, so I don’t feel guilty about ganking some wedding gifts. By the way, this espresso machine is awesome. I’ve had five this morning. Ha ha! My heart hurts!

Claudia Schiffer came out of retirement to shoot the new Chanel campaign with famed photographer Karl Lagerfeld. The shoot took place over two days in St. Tropez, France. Claudia decided to show these young models how to really wear a see-through dress. With a thong. And no bra. Yeah, take a good look for an hour or so and then realize she used to date David Copperfield. Of course this was a simpler time. Back before the secret codes and private island shenanigans. When all you needed to score a supermodel was a smile, your own prime-time special and a few billion in the bank. It was anyone’s game, really.

After weeks of boring the hell out of me, Lindsay Lohan appears to be in the early stages of a comeback. She went out to eat at You & Me restaurant in L.A. last night and opted to go with the always classic black sheer see-through shirt and no bra. Except unlike Kate Moss I actually want to see Lindsay Lohan’s nipples and perhaps become good friends. Maybe we’ll get some coffee. Or catch a movie. Whatever they’re comfortable with. Though I doubt they’re picky. I mean, c’mon, look who they’re attached to. As long as they’re not engaged in some sort of barter system to obtain coke or near her dad, which is sort of redundant, I think they’ll be cool.