Many have pondered the secret to banging a Playboy playmate and getting her to let you document the event on film. Is it money? The right cologne? Some kind of voodoo ritual involving a decapitated chicken? Nope, it’s getting hammered on drugs. Just ask Colin Farrell! The Sun reports:

COLIN FARRELL was off his head on drugs when he agreed to film his infamous sex tape.

The Minority Report star, who is now tee-total, filmed an X-rated romp with Playboy model NICOLE NARAIN back in 2003.

But as with most decisions made under the influence, Colin wishes he had been sober when she suggested shooting their nookie.

He said: “I think I was high… It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

At the time? Hell, it seems like an even better idea now. Hopefully some government-funded agency can get Farrell’s permission to use the footage in a PSA:

This is Colin Farrell. This is Colin Farrell on drugs. This is Colin Farrell on drugs, going balls-deep with a piece of tail that your sober ass was probably fantasizing about the last time you were humping your crusty gym sock. Any questions?

Paid for by the Partnership for a Playmate-Banging America.

The only problem would be getting funding for the commercial time in this time of financial crisis, but they can divert the cash from FEMA. It’s not like disaster survivors are going to do anything to help you improve your sex life, the selfish pricks.

Adnan Ghalib is changing his tune about the existence of a Britney Spears sex tape. He issued the following denial to Star yesterday:

“There is no sex tape,” Adnan tells Star exclusively, “and I’ve never claimed there is one.”
“I don’t know where these quotes I’m supposed to have said have come from,” says Adnan. “What I do know is they certainly didn’t come from me and they are completely false. I’m extremely upset and distressed and I’m taking legal action… This story has caused a lot of hurt to my family and people close to me.”
“There is no sex tape,” he continues. “That is the end of the matter.”

However, The Sun reports Adnan was close to a multi-million dollar deal with a porn site until Britney’s lawyers stepped in with their own offer to shut him up:

But now she’s staged a remarkable comeback, Britney is willing to part with as much of her own money as it takes to keep the tape off the market and the focus on her upcoming world tour.
A pal told a newspaper: “Her lawyers have been working overtime. They’ve been told to do whatever it takes to stop the video making it onto the Internet.”

It’s looking like Britney’s sex tape will never see the light of day which isn’t exactly a bad thing. I mean, c’mon, it’s not like it was filmed now when she looks awesome. It was filmed during the crazy, five Frappucinos a day, pink wig-wearing times of yore. Honestly, who would watched that? Besides me and anyone else with a penis.

After word broke yesterday that Adnan Ghalib is looking to sell a sex tape of Britney Spears to the highest bidder, her people are denying its existence, E! News reports:

“The story is completely false,” the source tells E! News.
Spears’ rep at Jive Records has not responded to calls seeking comment.

Of course, no one’s asking Britney about the tape - until now!

THE SUPERFICIAL: Britney, did you make a sex tape with Adnan Ghalib?
BRITNEY: Stop talking to me giant Frappucino in pants!
THE SUPERFICIAL: Again, is there a tape of you having sex in Mexico?
BRITNEY: I’m gonna stick a straw in your head.
THE SUPERFICIAL: Just say “yes” or “n- *KERCHUNK*
BRITNEY: Can someone get the whipped cream can out of my purse? Yeah. Under the chocolate sauce.

Britney Spears’ former paparazzi lover Adnan Ghalib has apparently brushed off getting stabbed and is back to marketing the sex tape he made with Britney in Mexico. The Sun reports:

“There is such a tape, but I won’t discuss prices for hypothetical enquiries. Unless there is a locked-in deal, I will go no further.”
An unconfirmed source claims the two-hour X-rated footage features Britney naked wearing just a pink wig and was allegedly shot while on holiday in Mexico.
Adnan added: “I am not interested in selling out any other details about Britney. “

Adnan’s not interested in “selling out any other details about Britney?” That’s pretty chivalrous for a guy hawking a sex tape of a bipolar nutjob he banged in Mexico while she was off her meds. No, really, for a minute there I thought I was reading Shakespeare.

Verne Troyer (a.k.a. Mini-Me) is suing his ex-girlfriend and sex tape co-star Ranae Shrider. Mini-Me claims she literally tossed his ass around like a rag doll, and he’s seeking $20 million in damages, according to TMZ:

Verne’s killer lawyer, Ed McPherson, tells TMZ, “When you pick up a 2′8″ human being and throw him to the floor, it hurts.”
In the lawsuit, Troyer basically says the chick terrorized him, once picked the lock to his bedroom door, pushing away a 100 pound scooter that was used to block the door, and then throwing him to the floor.”

“When you pick up a 2′8″ human being and throw him to the floor, it hurts.” BFFFFFT! And there went my coffee. That said, anyone else get the impression Ranae works at a daycare?

Some dude is claiming he has hidden camera footage of Madonna and A-Rod in a Manhattan apartment having, what can only be described as, the grossest sex of all time. He’s demanding a ton of cash for the video and Madonna’s lawyers are aware of the guy’s claims. The Daily Star reports:

In a series of emails fired off to media outlets, he alleged the footage was shot two months ago in an apartment owned by a pal of Madonna she knows through her devotion to the Kabbalah religion.
The video man – who is also a friend of the apartment owner – claimed he found out and secretly installed a hidden camera in the living room with the lens pointed at the sofa.

Shit, I’ll buy them just to throw them down the garbage disposal. I don’t want any of this footage to get sent my way and I accidentally watch it. Like I want my face melted off by the Pharaoh’s curse that comes from looking at Madonna’s vagina. Seriously.

Thanks to KD who once punched a Sphinx.

Cashing in while the iron’s hot, Verne “Mini-Me” Troyer’s ex-girlfriend and sex tape co-star Ranae Shrider sat down for an interview with News of the World to openly discuss the couple’s sex life. I will never, ever in my entire life write anything as funny as the unintentional hilarity that comes out of Ranae’s mouth. This chick should do Vegas:

On sex in general with a midget:
“So I’d lie on the bed and Verne would crawl up my legs to have sex with me. And as he did it his feet would be tickling my knees! It wasn’t quite as passionate as sex with a normal-sized man but he did his best. He didn’t wear a condom. There was no point, they’re all too big. On the whole though, he wasn’t short of sexy skills and tried his hardest to make up in technique what he lacked in size.”

On their first time and the Mini-Me’s magical rebound skills:
“I had no complaints. But the whole thing was over in three minutes. It was strange having sex with someone who couldn’t reach to kiss me at the same time, except for my tummy that is! I was so relieved it was over. But minutes later Verne was ready to go again. That night we made love three times in 20 minutes, which most bigger men only dream about doing.”

On why midget’s prefer sex on dry land:
“I thought it would be fun to do it in the tub,” she said. “Sadly I almost killed him. While Verne was watching TV I ran the bath, emptied a bottle of bubbles in it and called him in. But the bubbles were so thick and high that once he climbed in he got lost under the water and I couldn’t see him.”

Mini-Me almost drowns trying to do his girlfriend in a bubble bath. Jesus. *hangs up keyboard* Sorry, guys, you just can’t follow something like that. I’ll be simultaneously laughing/crying/inhaling White-Out in the supply closet until the next post. Hold my calls.

UPDATE: I’M A PTERODACTYL! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH! P.S. We’re out of White-Out.

Britney Spears, seen here with her bodyguard, is secretly back at it with Adnan Ghalib. But this time Britney is pulling some James Bond action and using her vagina (It shoots darts.) to get back a sex tape Adnan made with her, according to the Daily Mail:

But sources claim the two haven’t got back together for purely romantic reasons - Britney is apparently terrified Adnan has an explicit video of her during the couple’s brief trip to Mexico in January.
‘Britney’s really scared that Adnan has a sex tape,’ an insider tells MailOnline. ‘She wants to get it out of his hands.’

I can’t really envision Britney Spears as the stealth espionage type. I can just see her trying to sneak around Adnan’s house, but then she knocks over the fridge and stumbles through a wall. And that’s just looking for a cookie. A hidden sex tape? Jesus. Adnan might as well have banged a wrecking ball then let it loose in his living room. Not that he hasn’t before, but I’m just sayin’.

Verne Troyer (a.k.a. Mini-Me) is suing the pants off of TMZ for showing footage of him without his tiny pants. Apparently, Mini-Me filmed a sex tape with ex-girlfriend Ranae Shrider (above) and, like any good amateur porn, it was stolen and found its way online. His lawyers claim to have sent several cease-and-desist letters before and after TMZ posted the footage. E! Online reports:

In addition to the gossip purveyor, which just posted the footage yesterday, Troyer has also sued One Night in Paris peddler Kevin Blatt. He claims that Blatt, who’s known for his celeb-porn brokering ways, somehow acquired the stolen tape and, according to TMZ, is currently entertaining a $100,000 distribution offer from SugarDVD.
Troyer is alleging violation of privacy, copyright infringement, trademark infringement, violation of right to publicity and misappropriation of name and likeness.

Mini-Me made a sex tape? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

UPDATE: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

EDIT: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!* But, in all seriousness, did they use a tripod or just lay the camera on the floor?

*HA HA HA HA HA HA!

R. Kelly has been acquitted of all 14 charges in his infamous child-pornography con golden shower case. It took the jurors less than a day of deliberation to find R. not guilty. The AP reports:

Prosecutors had argued that a video tape mailed to the Chicago Sun-Times in 2002 showed Kelly engaged in graphic sex acts with a girl as young as 13 at the time. Both Kelly, 41, and the now 23-year-old alleged victim had denied they were the ones on the tape. Neither testified during the trial.

R. Kelly thanked the jurors then asked if there was a junior high nearby. He drank way too much water waiting for the verdict, and you know how it goes.

Britney Spears’ former paparazzi lover Adnan Ghalib is officially going off the grid after receiving numerous death threats over a sex tape he filmed of him and Britney in Mexico. He’s also saying his stabbing in April wasn’t a random event. The Sun reports:

“Yes, I was injured by an attacker. This is still being investigated. I can’t say much about the cowardly attack other than: a) you better come a lot stronger than that if you want to make a point and b) most will be surprised by those behind it. I have had many calls about it from all over the world. In light of the constant calls about the sex tape and threats, I’m taking a break from the industry and keeping a low profile.”

Oh, what? You’re going to quit now, Adnan? Run off crying to Bitchtown. Is that it? What happened to the cock-sure Adnan I used to know who wasn’t afraid to go blubber deep for exclusive photos. Huh? Where’s that man? No, fuck, where’s that hero? So you got stabbed. Big deal. YOU HAD SEX WITH BRITNEY SPEARS. You’ve stared directly into the belly of the beast and said, I’m going to hit that. No mortal weapons should scare you anymore, my friend. Now, goddammit, you finish this thing. Yeah, get pumped! (But just to be clear, if I see mid-coitus Britney, I’ll use a badger to gnaw your douche beard right off.) Alright, let’s do this! WHOO!

Britney Spears’ former paparazzi lover Adnan Ghalib is officially going off the grid after receiving numerous death threats over a sex tape he filmed of him and Britney in Mexico. He’s also saying his stabbing in April wasn’t a random event. The Sun reports:

“Yes, I was injured by an attacker. This is still being investigated. I can’t say much about the cowardly attack other than: a) you better come a lot stronger than that if you want to make a point and b) most will be surprised by those behind it. I have had many calls about it from all over the world. In light of the constant calls about the sex tape and threats, I’m taking a break from the industry and keeping a low profile.”

Oh, what? You’re going to quit now, Adnan? Run off crying to Bitchtown. Is that it? What happened to the cock-sure Adnan I used to know who wasn’t afraid to go blubber deep for exclusive photos. Huh? Where’s that man? No, fuck, where’s that hero? So you got stabbed. Big deal. YOU HAD SEX WITH BRITNEY SPEARS. You’ve stared directly into the belly of the beast and said, I’m going to hit that. No mortal weapons should scare you anymore, my friend. Now, goddammit, you finish this thing. Yeah, get pumped! (But just to be clear, if I see mid-coitus Britney, I’ll use a badger to gnaw your douche beard right off.) Alright, let’s do this! WHOO!

Lauren Conrad’s ex-boyfriend Jason Wahler is denying that a sex tape of Lauren exists. Heidi and Spencer were on The Tyra Banks Show yesterday and claimed the rumors about the tape are absolutely true. Heidi even claimed that Jason was trying to sell it. Us Magazine reports:

“I do not have a sex tape of Lauren Conrad and one does not exist,” Wahler tells Usmagazine.com in a statement. “Spencer Pratt is lying again to get attention.
“Lauren is my friend,” Wahler continues, “and it is insulting to her to suggest this.”
On Tuesday’s Tyra Banks Show, Pratt declared, “I know for 100 percent fact it did exist – 1000%!”

Okay, there’s an easy way to sort this out: Let’s put all four of these jokers in a room and toss a grenade in. Whoever survives is, obviously, the liar - and gets fed to a shark. Damn, I should negotiate peace treaties. Someone book me a flight to the Middle East. And don’t forget my shark.

When they’re not busy posing for horribly fake photo shoots (I call this one “America: Ain’t We Retarded?”), Heidi and Spencer love to expose their Hills co-star Lauren Conrad as just as fake as they are. This morning, the couple dropped a bomb on Tyra (video after the jump) and confirmed that Lauren did, in fact, make a sex tape. Tyra asked Spencer if he actually watched it and he said he’d rather throw up making it the first time I actually agree with the douchenozzle. I’d rather watch a video of my vacuum cleaner humping my couch. I wonder what that would look like… *hunts for camcorder*

UPDATE: Okay, is it legal to marry a household appliance? Because, guys, I think I’m in love.

Unlike her current imitators such as Paris Hilton, the now-dyed Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears, Marilyn Monroe the original blonde bombshell made a sex tape that ended up being classified by the FBI. I doubt copies of “A Night in Paris” are locked away next to the Ark of the Covenant. The vintage tape was declassified and was sold to a collector for a whopping $1.5 million. (Note: Porn is free on the internet. Just sayin’.) The tape only features Marilyn Monroe having oral sex with an unidentified man whose face remains off camera, according to the New York Post:

The footage appears to have been shot in the 1950s. When it came to light in the mid-’60s, then-FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover had his agents spend two weeks futilely trying to prove that Monroe’s sex partner was either John F. Kennedy or Robert F. Kennedy, according to declassified agency documents and interviews, Morgan said.
The silent black-and-white flick shows Monroe on her knees in front of a man whose face is just out of the shot.

The legendary film was sought by others when it’s existence became known. The FBI had confiscated the tape from an informant but not before he made a copy:

According to the documents, “Former baseball star Joseph DiMaggio in the past had offered [the informant] $25,000 for this film, it being the only one in existence, but he refused the offer.
“Source advised that [redacted name of the mole] informed them that he had obtained this film prior to the time Marilyn Monroe had achieved stardom.”

All I have to say is, what the shit? People gave blowjobs in the ’50s??! Annnd I’m impotent. Good game, penis.

Word of a Lindsay Lohan sex tape has been around for a while, but this recent pic (above) is apparently a preview clip of the video that hit the web in the past 24 hours. Gossip Rocks is saying this is the real deal:

Apparently callum sent the video (which was filmed on his cell phone) when the 2 where an item has been sent to some of his friends…which as you may have guessed have been trying to sell the video.
Anyway so i have this friend (cant say her name.) who is friends with lindsay lohan. She’s just emailed me saying that someone has sent an email to lindsay with a screen clip from the movie, and shes freaking out because she “cant remember it being filmed”.

Lindsay Lohan can’t remember something. Hmm, how out of character. I wonder if she suffers from amnesia… Wait, this just in: She’s a drunken sexbot from the planet Whore-u-tron. And there have you it. Science has spoken.

NOTE: Pic links to a super blurry but still NSFW version. If you’re confused as to what’s going on, it’s the exact same thing as the Kristin Davis photo but consists of way shittier photographic quality. I mean, it looks like Bigfoot’s drinking out of a water fountain - with testicles.

Word of a Lindsay Lohan sex tape has been around for a while, but this recent pic (above) is apparently a preview clip of the video that hit the web in the past 24 hours. Gossip Rocks is saying this is the real deal:

Apparently callum sent the video (which was filmed on his cell phone) when the 2 where an item has been sent to some of his friends…which as you may have guessed have been trying to sell the video.
Anyway so i have this friend (cant say her name.) who is friends with lindsay lohan. She’s just emailed me saying that someone has sent an email to lindsay with a screen clip from the movie, and shes freaking out because she “cant remember it being filmed”.

Lindsay Lohan can’t remember something. Hmm, how out of character. I wonder if she suffers from amnesia… Wait, this just in: She’s a drunken sexbot from the planet Whore-u-tron. And there have you it. Science has spoken.

NOTE: Pic links to a super blurry but still NSFW version. If you’re confused as to what’s going on, it’s the exact same thing as the Kristin Davis photo but consists of way shittier photographic quality. I mean, it looks like Bigfoot’s drinking out of a water fountain - with testicles.

UPDATE: Victor over at The Blemish just informed me this is not Lindsay Lohan. Apparently this is a shot from a pre-existing porno that is sans the fiery nether region. Video here, way NSFW. Thanks for the heads-up, Victor, and proving my theory that it is, indeed, Bigfoot in that photo. Sexy!

Over the past few days provocative photos of what may or may not be Sex and the City star Kristin Davis have surfaced on the net. Do I think it’s really her? Absolutely. I mean, everyone’s been nude on camera. Even Hillary Clinton who, I must say, was a true professional. Miss you, babe! Anyway, TMZ is giving their final word on the whole situation and shooting down the rumors these pics are part of a sex tape:

The photos, we’re told, were snapped in 1992 by an ex-boyfriend. That’s right, they are just photos — no sex tape, fellas! According to reports, 20 photos are making the rounds, but actually it’s not quite 20.
We’re told the ex-boyfriend was pissed at Kristin and then sold the photos to a third party. Classy, huh? The third party got involved in a business venture with another guy and we’re told that guy pilfered the pics and they ended up online.

That guy is supposedly Scott Fayner who had the pics on his website, but as of this post they’re gone and only link to a porn site where you have to pay to see the rest. Then, once you pay, surprise!, you don’t see them. Not that I paid or anything and you’ll never prove it. *throws wallet out the window* HA! I win!

NOTE: Photo links to a ridiculously NSFW pic that shows just what’s in Kristin Davis’ mouth. And, no, it’s not a Crossainwich but good guess.

Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron allegedly star in a new sex tape with a yuletide theme. While I prefer my amateur porn to celebrate Canadian Boxing Day, this sounds promising. The Sun reports:

Reportedly the beauty, whose naked pictures were leaked on to the net last year, is sitting underneath a Christmas tree wearing nothing but a Santa hat and a red thong.
She says to the camera: “I’ve been a good girl this year.”
Then boyfriend ZAC EFRON appears before nature takes its course.

Okay, yeah, this is totally fake. I don’t for one second believe Zac Efron became aroused at the sight of Vanessa Hudgen in just a thong and Santa hat. Maybe if she had on a full Santa costume complete with the beard and fake belly. Then I could maybe see this thing happen. But, real quick, those suits come with penises, right? I mean, that just seems like a standard feature to me. Otherwise, really, I don’t get the point of the whole outfit.

After almost six years a date has been set for R. Kelly’s child pornography case. Judge Vincent Gaughan decided not to revoke R. Kelly’s bond when the singer missed a hearing on Wednesday because his tour bus was pulled over by the police. The judge has set a trial date of May 19, according to the Associated Press:

Gaughan said that in similar situations in the future, Kelly must fly to make his court dates on time.
He also ordered the singer to cancel a Jan. 13 concert to ensure that he makes a Jan. 14 court date.

I don’t see how R. Kelly can remember the details of the alleged incident. It happened way back in 2000. I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast. I’m guessing by all these empty cans it was beer. But you’d like that wouldn’t you? Shut up. I want a cupcake. *passes out*