Yes, Heidi, you’ve got the right idea. This is definitely the way to finally get people to respect you as an artist. No foolin’. In the meantime after looking at these pictures, I gotta ask: Does no one carry a gun to the supermarket anymore? You can’t tell me there wasn’t some old lady packin’ who could’ve mowed these two down by the arugula. I thought this was America, dammit!

Spencer Pratt wants everyone to know Jesus and him are “making the connection.” Not only that, but he’s taking spiritual advice from Heidi “I’d Rather Die Than Live Without Chest Balloons” Montag. You know, the chick recently tried to pretend she’s a virgin. Holy art the assclowns. Scope out the Passion of Spencer Pratt via Us Magazine:

When Mary-Kate Olsen said that he had a bad temper, for example, “my natural Spencer Pratt had to attack,” he says.
So he called her the “less cute” twin.
“Heidi’s there going, ‘What would Jesus do? What would Jesus do?’” Pratt says. “And I’m like, ‘Jesus gave me these great comebacks.’ And she’s like, ‘No, that’s the devil.’”
Pratt says he now goes to church every Sunday with Montag.
“People are very excited to see me there. They’re like, ‘It’s good you’re here,’ and they’re patting me on the back like, ‘Thank you for being here.’”

Ha ha ha! The poor jackass thinks people at church recognize him. Adorable. I almost don’t have the heart to tell him they don’t care who he is; they just want money. But somehow I persevere: They want your cash, douchenuts!

Apparently during Heidi Montag’s interview with Ryan Seacrest she claimed to still be a virgin. Chins McJugs has a hymen? Hilarious! Scope out this load of crap via Hollyscoop:

Speidi talked about how Heidi is “still a virgin” and how religious she is, insisting that her “next album is going to be a Christian one.”
“We don’t sin over here,” said Spencer. Who added that they place “pillows in between” them at night so they’re not tempted to have sex.

But Hollyscoop immediately caught Heidi in her bullshit when they found an old episode of The Hills where she has a pregnancy scare:

In the episode Heidi tells Spencer, “I took a pregnancy test,” but assured him that it turned out negative. Last we checked, if you’re a virgin, you wouldn’t need to take a pregnancy test. Sources tell Hollyscoop that “It’s just another PR stunt for them to gain more press for her album.”

No, you know what? I want the pregnancy scare to be fake and the virginity claim to be the real deal. Nothing would bring me more joy than knowing Spencer Pratt poses for these retarded pictures then goes home to hump a pillow. Now there’s a shining example of God’s existence. I’ve seen the light!

Heidi and Spencer love to take everyday events and turn them into photo shoots so fucking retarded, you’ll swear you’ve been huffing paint all morning. Here some hapless realtor is forced to take part in their shenanigans. But, then again, this man has no soul because he later lied to TMZ about Mr. and Mrs. Cockweasel’s real estate potential:

So we thought it was a big publicity stunt, until we called the realtor who showed the property. Sandro Dazzan says they’re “serious buyers,” although he doesn’t think they’ll pull the trigger right away. Dazzan stunned us when he said they can afford the $12 million beach house right now, but that they’re “at least six months” out from being able to afford the bigger house.

Serious buyers who won’t pull the trigger. Interesting, Sandro. So, basically, Heidi showed you her boobs, and you agreed to pretend they’ve got money? Unless a commission shot out of her nipples, congratulations, you’re an idiot. The only way these two can buy a house is if you let them pay in forced smiles and chin wax.

At long last, my dream of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt having a three-way with an IED is about to come true. America’s favorite assbag couple are heading to the Middle East to support the troops/pose on a tank for this year’s Christmas card. Spencer tells Extra their expedition is supposedly being aided by John McCain’s daughter Meghan who had lunch with Heidi last week. I’m thinking Heidi got confused when Meghan said “I would give my left tit to send you to Iraq.” True story:

“It’s very important to me and important to Spencer to support the troops and go over there. She’s very sweet. I think Meghan McCain is helping organize Heidi and our Iraq trip. Her dad definitely has some pull with the military. I think she’s going to put that together for us.”

If Barbie and Ken’s Gay Brother are really getting shipped overseas, I gotta hand it to the Republicans: Well played. Up until this moment I wouldn’t have voted for John McCain if you put a gun to my head. But now….

*I’m all about supporting the troops, but if you believe for one second these two are being altruistic and not out for self-promotion, congratulations! You’re legally retarded.

Somebody, somewhere on the Interwebs decided to do some research (?) into the whole Mary-Kate Olsen/Spencer Pratt feud which apparently started back in high school. In a 2007 Details article, Spencer brags about selling a picture of an underage Mary-Kate drinking at a party for $50,000. On top of of that, he also dishes out his blatant attempts to leech the everliving fuck out of the celebrity world even if it requires having sex with Heidi on video:

On getting Brody to date Nicole Richie:
“All right, then here’s what you’re gonna do. You’re gonna start dating Nicole Richie. And you’re gonna get that skinny bitch to eat, all right? You are about to become The Guy Who Got Nicole Richie to Eat. Process that shit, bro. You’ll be, like, a fucking hero to America.

On being famous
“What does it take to be famous nowadays? Nothing! Look at Nicole. She’s on the cover of every magazine every week. And why? Because she doesn’t eat. Well, lots of girls in this country don’t eat. That’s, like, my whole philosophy with Brody—make him part of that.”

On starting his own sex tape scandal:
Pratt spends 20 minutes talking about how he plans to make a tape of himself and Heidi Montag having sex, which he’s thinking about posting online.

On Kevin Connolly of HBO’s Entourage:
“That guy is a joke,” Pratt says with scorn. “We were Entourage before Entourage.” He’s not joking. To Pratt, the notion that someone would become famous by acting is ridiculous. “Why would anyone act,” he asks, “when they can just play themselves?”

Dear Hollywood,

I know you’re reading this because you can’t get enough awesome. Don’t worry; your secret’s safe. In return for my silence, I’m calling in a favor. The next time Spencer Pratt comes to your office with some sort of asscockian pitch, I want you to throw a bucket of AIDS in his face. Nothing fancy. Just a bucket of AIDS. If you don’t have a bucket of AIDS or recently threw one at a member of the Hogan family, I’d be glad to provide you with another one - free of charge.

Together we can make a difference.

The Superficial Writer.

Heidi Montag is a devout Christian and wish people knew more about her faith. But you don’t hear much of that because she’s too busy posing in pictures that could only be used as Aryan greeting cards. But in between displaying her funbags, Heidi has a deep spiritual side that she shared with USA Today. Let’s take a look at Heidi’s ability to form thoughts which will make you cringe because of the fact her uterus is fertile and capable of reproduction:

On how she’s just like Jesus but with implants:
“There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know? But it doesn’t matter to me.”

On her and Spencer’s faith and surprising ability to read:
Montag identifies herself as “kind of non-denominational Baptist” and hopes to release a Christian album one day. Both she and Pratt read the Bible conscientiously. “I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God.”

On traveling to Africa - Paris Hilton style:
This August, she and Pratt are headed to Africa to “feed children and help build things.” Cameras will capture their trek, but not for The Hills.

Heidi also plans on releasing a Christian music album and you know what? I couldn’t think of a better market for her. SNAP! Did I just burn religion and Heidi in one sentence? I think I did. Who’s Jesus now? Eh? If you’ll excuse me, I need to go turn the water cooler into wine.

UPDATE: Didn’t work so I just poured vodka in. That’s in The Bible too.

Spencer Pratt has responded back to comments made about him on Letterman by Mary-Kate Olsen. I’m sure when he got the call he squealed “OMG! Me me me!” Then he pushed Heidi Montag in a puddle and kicked a puppy. I have sources. Anyway, here’s what Captain Oily of Anal Brigade said to Us Magazine:

“I don’t really get why she’d use my name to get press for her little indie film that no one’s going to see,” he told Usmagazine.com Friday. “She should probably focus more on not getting dressed in the dark than on me.
“I know I’ve made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman. I forgive her, though. She’s had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough.”

Okay, first off, Mary-Kate doesn’t need Spencer for publicity. Heath Ledger covered that check. Second, who the hell is Spencer Pratt to call out an Olsen twin? Those two had a billion dollar video franchise before they realized they hate solid foods but love opiates. What has Spencer done? Besides being the boy who wished hard enough for his sister’s Barbie doll to come to life. Horrible, vapid, man, he should’ve wished for G.I. Joe instead life.

Mary-Kate Olsen stopped by Letterman last night to promote her new film The Wackness where she talked about spending her 22nd birthday at Bonnaroo, making out with Ben Kinglsey and not wanting her kids to be child actors. She then brought up going to high school with Spencer Pratt who Dave mentioned is a little “wormy.” I guess that’s showbiz talk for “epic assclown.” Good to know:

Mary-Kate: He does not have a good temper. He walked out of a few games. He would walk off the field. He was like, ‘Me or the coach!’
Dave: Were you friends with the guy at the time?
Mary-Kate: No.
Dave: Because I’m surprised about the soccer. Because looking at the guy, he looks like a guy that has never broken a sweat, I would guess.
Mary-Kate: Oh, my God — that brings up stories! I don’t know if I should talk about it.
Dave: No, c’mon, let’s hear one. Let’s go.
Mary-Kate: [laughs] The Wackness is a great film.
Dave: What I don’t understand is how does a kid that age, and he’s only in his 20s or maybe even your age, how does a kid like that get to be so oily?
Mary-Kate: It’s a mystery to me.

While I’m not surprised that Spencer Pratt is universally looked upon as Hollywood’s shit stain, I’m extremely amazed at how normal Mary-Kate Olsen appears. For once she doesn’t look like Yoda on heroin and is actually speaking to other humans. I always figured Mary-Kate communicated via an intricate series of wrist flaps and lip pouting. But real words? Honestly, who saw that coming?

Video after the jump.

We’ve finally reached the inevitable end-game of Heidi and Spencer’s “celebrity.” Seen above proving Ed Hardy is the apparel of choice for today’s walking anus, the couple have recently been rumored to be amateur gun nuts. It’s now reported that “Chins” and “Squirrel Nuts” even own a $10,000 arsenal of weapons. F-in’ beautiful. Surprisingly, this news hasn’t caused Charlton Heston’s ghost to appear saying “My bad. Gun control is actually totally awesome.” InTouch reports:

The couple visited the Martin B. Retting store in Culver City, Calif., on June 7 and spent more than $10,000 on guns to arm themselves. They purchased two Benelli semiautomatic M4 tactical shotguns, two Wilson close quarter combat .45-caliber pistols and one Scout semiautomatic rifle. “They wanted the exact guns that the U.S. Delta Force uses,” a friend explains. “Spencer wants to be prepared for anything.”

How bad is it to pray for a murder/suicide? Break it down to me on a scale of one to 10. One being Jesus also has his fingers crossed, and 10 being I’m doomed to photograph these two till the end of time . For reference, going to hell and being pitchforked in the nads is only a five.

Spencer Pratt, through some unholy alliance with Lucifer (He let him touch Heidi’s boobs.), managed to find himself as a guest on The Late Show with David Letterman. And, get this, the smug little douchecock has the nerve to check his watch during the interview! After that, Spencer rambles on about how he’s apparently found the next pop stars of the future which are really younger versions of pop stars of the past. I dunno, but it’s even more retarded than I just described it:

“I live and breath pop culture. Right now I’ve got a partnership with the next Jay-Z. And he’s only 12. He’s better than Jay-Z at 12-years-old, so imagine him at 20…. I also have the future Michael Jackson. Duwann. He’s 23. You’ll be reading about him soon.”

Anyone get the distinct feeling Spencer Pratt stumbled across a time machine and is kidnapping the stars of today while they’re kids? I don’t know how else to explain why I saw him leaving Toys R’ Us with a young 50 Cent. Who Spencer then tossed in the back of a van while rubbing his hands together laughing “Children! I love children! Muhahahaha!” True story - which I know I say a lot, but, seriously, no bullshit; this one’s the real deal. Along with the time I said I had sex with Catwoman.

Video after the jump.

I’m really trying not to post about Walking Barbie here, but, admittedly, I find perverse joy when she’s caught by the paps not wearing (a metric ton of) make-up at LAX (above) or gets stuck in ATM vestibule. It’s obvious Heidi is out of her element when she’s not posing for the Sears catalog from Hell. Also, her and Spencer seem to be having a tiff. I bet it involved an in-flight restroom and who gets to look in the mirror. Even more amusing is how clearly you can read Heidi’s thoughts just looking at her face: “I WUV KITTENS!”

Jesus! I thought these two only came out on holidays. Great, now it looks like Heidi and Spencer will mug like retarded sea-monkeys at any event. Even more disturbing is that it appears to be Bat Day and yet somehow they walked out with all their hair, teeth and limbs attached. I gotta ask: Dodger fans, why do you hate America so much?

Thanks to Tina who saw these two and swung for the fences. And by fences I mean Heidi’s chin.

Oh, hey, I write a blog. Morning! So, apparently over the weekend Mr. and Mrs. Douchenozzle, Heidi and Spencer, went out to eat and racked up a $783 bill. Common courtesy dictates that they should’ve tipped anywhere between $120 to $150. Spencer dropped 16 bucks. Watch out, everybody! High roller, comin’ through! TMZ reports:

A camera crew was with the vomit-inducing twosome at the time — no surprise there — and our source says that when they stopped filming, the server approached a producer from the show about the measly tip. The producer forked over $60 from his own pocket to cover Spencer’s shortcomings.

While I don’t expect these two to have any form of math skills (Frankly, I’m shocked they can speak.), dicking over those in the service industry is a big no-no in my book. Which is why I always generously tip when I go out. Right, Stripper with the Deed to My House? What’s that? Another lap dance? Sure, why not? But, listen, I can only tip you with the bike I rode here on. Or, okay, my laptop…

ME STRIPPER WRITEY WORDS!! BLARG A NARG! 198Y97#(*(!*&?!

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt posed for some fake Mother’s Day photos with Heidi’s mom. I almost had a heart attack when I found out it was actually her real mom. Heidi and Spencer did something real?! Why is the room suddenly spinning? Anyway, these photos prove that there’s not a holiday out there these two assclowns won’t ruin with photos that would make Norman Rockwell shit a cactus. That said, I’m looking forward to Heidi and Spencer’s Kwanzaa photos later this year. Should be tasteful, and, God willing, the cause of death on the coroner’s report.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are world-renown for being the fakest conglomeration of asshats in the history of chicanery. To further prove that point, Star has broken the news that Heidi and Spencer orchestrated their break-up, reunion and even marriage with a tabloid. I even hear that Life & Style on dibs on Spencer’s first vasectomy. True story. And now the details from Star:

“Which weekly glossy just signed a megamillion-dollar contract with a certain annoying celebrity couple?” The New York Daily News asked in its April 20 gossip column. “The deal is, the magazine will get exclusive interviews with the couple, but in turn, they need to break up (again), get back together (again) and actually get married.”
ndeed, reports surfaced last September that Spencer and Heidi — who got engaged in May 2007 — were about to announce they’d ended their relationship and would then sell their separate stories to the media, before getting paid for exclusive photos of a staged “reunion” getaway to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico. And although a rep for The Hills — which has a reputation for being completely scripted — denied it at the time, incredibly, it played out exactly that way for the couple!

Even Heidi and Spencer’s friends - wait, friends, huh, what how? - laugh at the planted tabloid reports:

“As friends, we laugh to ourselves whenever we see ’serious’ coverage of the ups and downs of Heidi and Spencer’s relationship,” says their pal. “It’s astounding anyone could still believe any of it is spontaneous.”
As for which magazine is conspiring with Speidi? Beats Us!

I, too, wonder which magazine it could be. Maybe if all of US put our heads together, the combined efforts of US could get to the bottom of this. I mean, even if a small group of US, weekly, got together and sort of hashed this baby out an answer would come to US - Hold on. Duh. I’m retarded. It’s “Jugs.” Ha! The answer was staring me right in the face. Seriously, if it were a snake, it would’ve bitten me - with its fake boobs.

Lauren Conrad’s ex-boyfriend Jason Wahler is denying that a sex tape of Lauren exists. Heidi and Spencer were on The Tyra Banks Show yesterday and claimed the rumors about the tape are absolutely true. Heidi even claimed that Jason was trying to sell it. Us Magazine reports:

“I do not have a sex tape of Lauren Conrad and one does not exist,” Wahler tells Usmagazine.com in a statement. “Spencer Pratt is lying again to get attention.
“Lauren is my friend,” Wahler continues, “and it is insulting to her to suggest this.”
On Tuesday’s Tyra Banks Show, Pratt declared, “I know for 100 percent fact it did exist – 1000%!”

Okay, there’s an easy way to sort this out: Let’s put all four of these jokers in a room and toss a grenade in. Whoever survives is, obviously, the liar - and gets fed to a shark. Damn, I should negotiate peace treaties. Someone book me a flight to the Middle East. And don’t forget my shark.

When they’re not busy posing for horribly fake photo shoots (I call this one “America: Ain’t We Retarded?”), Heidi and Spencer love to expose their Hills co-star Lauren Conrad as just as fake as they are. This morning, the couple dropped a bomb on Tyra (video after the jump) and confirmed that Lauren did, in fact, make a sex tape. Tyra asked Spencer if he actually watched it and he said he’d rather throw up making it the first time I actually agree with the douchenozzle. I’d rather watch a video of my vacuum cleaner humping my couch. I wonder what that would look like… *hunts for camcorder*

UPDATE: Okay, is it legal to marry a household appliance? Because, guys, I think I’m in love.

Heidi Montag’s endorsement of John McCain scored her an invitation to the White House Correspondents Gala as a guest of MSNBC. Things were all set to go until Spencer, who wasn’t invited, stepped in as her manager and started making demands, according to a source for Page Six. No one puts Spencer Pratt in a corner!

“He demanded first-class tickets for both him and Heidi - even though he wasn’t invited.”
When the network balked, Pratt canceled Montag’s appearance, claiming, according to our source, “It wasn’t ‘A-listy’ enough.”

Wasn’t “A-listy” enough? Jesus, check out the huevos rancheros on Spencer. Seriously, he should count his lucky stars if he’s invited to the opening of a Burger King. He might score a free Whopper out of the deal, but if he doesn’t, Spency should thank the kind staff for not shoving his face into the Fry-o-lator. Because, not only would it’d be impossible to find a jury that would convict them, but I’m pretty they’d be handed to the keys to the city. *sniff* Goddamn heroes, I tell you…

Heidi Montag unveiled her new clothing line Heidiwood at Kitson over the weekend. For those of you who haven’t seen it, I posted about it a week ago and, it’s really stunning stuff. I’m talking the general eloquence of a $5 hooker that you’d think about tipping, but will probably keep that dollar for a McMuffin instead. Anyway, Heidi spoke exclusively to Us Magazine (video after the jump) about doing a spin-off show with Spencer:

I would love to eventually do a spin-off with Spencer and I,” she tells Usmagazine.com. “We’ve had a lot of ups and downs, and if we make it through this season, I’d love to look down the road to a spin-off.”

“If we make it through this season.” Are you fucking kidding me?! Look, I’m just a jackass who makes poorly-delivered jokes about blowing up Paris Hilton and claims laser beams come out of my cock (They do.). But even I know that The Hills is complete bullshit. The season was finished taping months ago and Heidi and Spencer are still together. In fact, here’s their dumb, stupid posed mugs in Central Park on Thursday. I’m absolutely flabbergasted that folks are out there watching The Hills and thinking “Golly, gee, I’m watching their life truly unfold on my TV.” Seriously, we need to get these people away from the boob-tube before they do something crazy - like vote for John McCain. WHOOOOAA! Didn’t see that coming!