Keanu Reeves won a lawsuit today when a jury of his peers determined he is not liable for the injuries of papparazzo Alison Shiva. Alison claims Keanu struck him with his Porsche in 2007 which damaged his wrist and caused him to lose work. Unfortunately, Alison is too stupid to realize he works around people with cameras all day who snapped pics of him chasing Britney Spears shortly after the alleged incident. The AP reports:

Over the course of four days, jurors heard how Silva gave contradictory statements about what happened and even saw a video of the celeb shooter using his supposedly damaged hand to scale down a chain link fence after getting video of Britney Spears.
Reeves stayed for the whole trial, testifying and signing the occasional autograph in the hallway.

How in the hell do you lose a lawsuit where Keanu Reeves gives testimony? That’s got to be scientifically impossible. All this Alison guy had to do was point at the actor and say “Keanu Reeves was driving a vehicle,” and the jury would yell “Guilty, guilty!” before jumping out the window in terror. In fact, I’m pretty sure I just soiled myself thinking about it. Nope, wait; false alarm. Pudding cup in my back pocket again. What? I love butterscotch.

Lindsay Lohan is being sued by the three guys in the SUV she drunkenly commandeered to chase down her assistant last year. Ronnie Blake, Jakon Sutter and Dante Nigro are seeking unspecified damages (Read: We’ll settle for a quick mil and/or boob grab.) and described the traumatic incident in their lawsuit. People reports:

“Dante and Jakon continued to implore Lohan to slow down, stating specifically that she was endangering all of their lives and that they could be killed,” the lawsuit says. “Lohan refused to slow or stop, but instead responded with abusive cursing and vulgar language, including a statement that she did not care about the risk of death.”
The lawsuit adds: “She also stated that because she was a celebrity she could do whatever she wants.”
Lohan’s attorney, Ed McPherson, tells TMZ.com the lawsuit is “absurd.”
“These guys had the night of their lives, playing with the radio and leaving the vehicle at one point and getting back in,” he says.

“She also stated that because she was a celebrity she could do whatever she wants.” Okay, now they’re laying it on a little thick. Next they’re going to say she wore a top hat and monocle and tried to lower Batman into a vat of acid - then kicked a puppy.

Kate Hudson and celebrity stylist David Babaii are being sued for allegedly stealing an idea to make hair products using volcanic ash. Dammit, ash? I thought they were sticking people’s heads in volcanoes. I hate this story. Reuters reports:

In the lawsuit, which was filed on Friday in Los Angeles Superior Court, 220 Laboratories said it entered into an “oral contract” with Babaii to develop and manufacture hair care products in 2006. The idea for the product was to use volcanic ash from the Vanuatu Islands of the South Pacific.
But Babaii went on to use a company called Universal Packaging Systems Inc to develop the products — using the volcanic ash component. Hudson promoted the product in a 2007 interview with Vogue magazine and said she was one of the developers, the lawsuit states.

Someone needs to tell Kate Hudson that wearing a lab coat and accidentally knocking things into a bowl with a clipboard while asking “Breasts aren’t important, right?” does not make her a developer. Neither does using a Bunsen burner to light your cigarette and sticking a rubber glove over your entire face like that old Howie Mandel gag. But good effort.

Paris Hilton is being sued by the distributors of National Lampoon’s Pledge This! She was paid $1 million to star in the 2006 film, which went straight to DVD, but never fulfilled her promotional obligations, according to E! Online:

Per the lawsuit filed today in U.S. District Court in Miami, Hilton, who was also listed as an executive producer, owes $75,000 in damages for failing to provide “reasonable promotion and publicity” for the movie.

I would say the filmmakers should send her a fucking “Thank You” card, but Paris Hilton seems to actually have a fanbase. And, apparently, they’re willing to let her write on their clothing. Wow. What’re the requirements for joining such an elite group? Besides obviously skirting the IQ level between Down Syndrome patient and meth addict.

Verne Troyer (a.k.a. Mini-Me) is suing his ex-girlfriend and sex tape co-star Ranae Shrider. Mini-Me claims she literally tossed his ass around like a rag doll, and he’s seeking $20 million in damages, according to TMZ:

Verne’s killer lawyer, Ed McPherson, tells TMZ, “When you pick up a 2′8″ human being and throw him to the floor, it hurts.”
In the lawsuit, Troyer basically says the chick terrorized him, once picked the lock to his bedroom door, pushing away a 100 pound scooter that was used to block the door, and then throwing him to the floor.”

“When you pick up a 2′8″ human being and throw him to the floor, it hurts.” BFFFFFT! And there went my coffee. That said, anyone else get the impression Ranae works at a daycare?

The Lowe family seems fantastic to work for. In their ongoing legal battle with former nannies accusing them of everything from unpaid wages to flagrant masturbation, new accusations have arisen. Another ex-nanny, Laura Boyce, is claiming Sheryl Lowe made racially slurred accusations when she called in sick. Sheryl, fancying herself a doctor, issued her own diagnosis revolving around fellatio and minorities. Huh. Missed that episode of House. TMZ reports:

A former Lowe nanny has filed new legal papers, reiterating her most shocking claim — that when she tried to call in sick to work one day, Sheryl Lowe yelled the reason for her illness was “she got strep throat from sucking n****r d**k. I mean black d**k.“
“At the time,” Boyce says, “I was dating an African-American man.”

Well, these accusations prove one thing: Sheryl Lowe is a frequent commenter on this site! Ha! I kid. (Maybe.) Anyway, I love how Sheryl tries to smooth things over by saying “I mean black dick” after dropping the N-word. Because that softens the blow of accusing an entire race of carrying disease in their wangs. That’s like lighting someone completely on fire then saying “Shit, my bad. Have a wetnap.”

Bill Murray has quietly settled his divorce to wife Jennifer Butler Murray who accused him last month of domestic abuse, abandonment and drug addiction. She had argued his actions made their prenuptial invalid, but it did remain intact. Except that became a moot point because Jennifer was given three houses and custody of the children in the speedy settlement. I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure she just dominated Bill’s shit. People reports:

Butler Murray, 42, has been granted primary custody of their four children and will keep the couple’s homes in Hemet, Calif. and Sullivan’s Island, S.C. Bill Murray, 57, must pay child support and will keep other property in California, New York and Massachusetts.
Bill Murray must also pay Jennifer a lump sum. The Murrays signed a prenuptial agreement in which Bill would pay his wife $7 million in a divorce, and, according to court documents, it is still valid.

Bill Murray’s lawyers had no statement on the settlement. Though I’m sure Bill probably wrote one that said: “Leave me alone to my scotch, hookers and random bottles of assorted pills I stole from a nursing home. Also, buy Ghostbuster DVDs. Lots of them. I can’t even afford to go into Starbucks. I’m typing on my MacBook Air, stealing Wi-Fi from behind a dumpster out back. I am fucking POOR, MATEYS. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” On a related note, he is taking blogging lessons from Kanye West at L’Acadamie de Douche.

Filed under: HDTV, Home Entertainment

Far from being the first time Time Warner Cable has upset its subscriber base, the Los Angeles city attorney’s office is pulling a Dee Snider and refusing to take the carrier’s lackluster service anymore. In a 25-page lawsuit, the city is alleging that the operator “caused major havoc and distress” two years ago when it “failed to live up to its part of the franchise cable agreement requiring that a company answer subscribers’ calls within 30 seconds and begin repairs of service interruptions within 24 hours of notification in 90% of its calls for service.” The suit claims that no more than 60% of customer calls were answered in time, and cable / internet service was said to be “so intermittent and inferior in quality that it was not much better than no service at all.” Not surprisingly, TWC representatives chose not to comment on the whole ordeal, but the outfit could face civil penalties of tens of millions of crisp US dollars in the case. Should’ve picked up the phone, TWC — it would’ve been easier than picking up this tab.

[Image courtesy of Web 2 Concepts, thanks Scott]

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Nick Hogan-Bollea’s lawyers filed a response to the civil lawsuit filed by John Graziano’s family. John was the passenger in Nick’s car when it crashed and is now in a coma. But according to Nick’s lawyer, John Graziano is also Satan himself. Okay, maybe they don’t go that far, but they literally blame John Graziano for the entire accident and claim Nick did nothing wrong. Except, maybe got drunk and drag-raced. But, what’s this? John gave him the beer?! You don’t say. TMZ reports:

We’ve obtained his response to the civil lawsuit that John’s family filed against the Hogans, and it’s outrageous: Nick blames virtually every person on the planet — including John himself and Daniel Jacobs, the guy whom he drag-raced to cause the crash in the first place — but doesn’t take a shred of responsibility of his own.
Let’s just list the ways that Nick says John put himself in danger: Not wearing a seatbelt, not getting out of the car, getting into the car in the first place.

If you take a look at the response, I’m surprised there’s not a paragraph stating that John Graziano secretly harbored a dream to be in a coma by his early 20’s. Jesus. Anyway, while his mom is out dating his long-haired doppleganger, Nick is apparently sitting in solitary confinement because he’s a minor and must be separated from the other inmates, according to People:

Bollea, 17, spends 16 to 17 hours a day in a maximum security cell in a Florida jail where his food is delivered through a slot in the door, his attorneys said in a court filing seeking a transfer to monitored home confinement or the minimum-security area.

Okay, that does sound a bit harsh. I think some sort of compromise can he made here. Hmm, let’s see. Ooh, got it: Nick Hogan can get out of solitary - as soon as John Graziano wakes up and lets him out.

A house that’s in the center of a court battle between 50 Cent and Shaniqua Tompkins, the mother of his son Marquise, suspiciously went up in flames early this morning. Shaniqua is saying the fire was attempted murder and she distinctly heard someone in the house before the fire, according to TMZ:

The lawyer for 50 Cent’s baby mama, Shaniqua Tompkins, tells TMZ that she heard “someone” come into the house this morning at 4 AM, shortly before the fire broke out around a hour later.
Paul Catsandonis, Shaniqua’s lawyer, tells us that his client is “traumatized” by the fire and that the kids are similarly in total shock. Six people, including Tompkins and their 10-year-old son Marquise, were in the house. They all were transported to the hospital and treated for smoke inhalation.

The house was allegedly promised to Shaniqua by 50 until he decided to put her and his son Marquise on the street. The AP reports:

Tompkins filed a lawsuit against 50 earlier this year claiming he had promised her a house more than a decade ago, but that since their breakup, he now wants to evict her and their 10-year-old son from the home.
Tompkins’ lawyer, Paul Catsandonis, told The Associated Press in a telephone interview that the dispute over the house had become “extremely, extremely contentious” in recent days. Although he declined to be specific, he said there was an “extremely dangerous incident” Monday in his Manhattan office while taking a deposition for the lawsuit.

And by “extremely dangerous incident,” Shaniqua’s lawyer meant 50 yelled “Bitch, I’ll burn that house down with you in it at exactly 4 A.M. Friday May 30, 2008. But first, you’ll hear someone break in and shit and you’ll be all, ‘Aw no, what’s happenin’?’ And it’ll be me burning down this particular house in the middle of our highly publicized court battle. But ain’t no one’s gonna know it was me! Ha! In da house. 50 out. The fucks’ the elevator. I hate stairs!”

PEABODY AWARD WINNING POST FOR MOST ACCURATE TRANSCRIPTION OF LEGALESE: THE SUPERFICIAL

Bill Murray’s wife of more than 10 years, Jennifer Murray, filed a complaint in court against the actor. She alleges he physically assaulted her and suffers from severe drug and alcohol addictions. She’s citing the complaint as grounds for divorce and is also seeking to have their prenuptial agreement nullified because of Bill’s abusive behavior. The Charleston Post and Courier reports:

According to the complaint, Jennifer Murray moved into a Sullivan’s Island home in 2006 with the couple’s four children due to her husband’s “adultery, addiction to marijuana and alcohol, abusive behavior, physical abuse, sexual addictions and frequent abandonment.”

Jennifer also provided details of the times Bill assaulted her:

It was at the Sullivan’s Island home, according to the complaint, that Murray allegedly abused his wife in November 2007. The six-page court filing says Murray “hit his wife in the face and then told her she was ‘lucky he didn’t kill her.’ “

It’s always awesome when jackass celebrity wife-beaters suddenly think they’re nefarious super-villains: “Yeah, see, I could kill you and get away with it. So wise up, yeah.” Let’s take a moment to thank O.J. for this advance in domestic abuse. Good one, Juice. In the meantime, how big of an A-hole is Bill Murray? I’m leaning towards colossal. Share your thoughts.

Bill Murray’s wife of more than 10 years, Jennifer Murray, filed a complaint in court against the actor. She alleges he physically assaulted her and suffers from severe drug and alcohol addictions. She’s citing the complaint as grounds for divorce and is also seeking to have their prenuptial agreement nullified because of Bill’s abusive behavior. The Charleston Post and Courier reports:

According to the complaint, Jennifer Murray moved into a Sullivan’s Island home in 2006 with the couple’s four children due to her husband’s “adultery, addiction to marijuana and alcohol, abusive behavior, physical abuse, sexual addictions and frequent abandonment.”

Jennifer also provided details of the times Bill assaulted her, including an incident where he allegedly hit her in the face and then told her she was lucky he didn’t kill her:

It was at the Sullivan’s Island home, according to the complaint, that Murray allegedly abused his wife in November 2007. The six-page court filing says Murray “hit his wife in the face and then told her she was ‘lucky he didn’t kill her.’ “

It’s always awesome when jackass celebrity wife-beaters suddenly think they’re nefarious super-villains: “Yeah, see, I could kill you and get away with it. So wise up, yeah.” Let’s take a moment to thank O.J. for this advance in domestic abuse. And by thank I mean hope he gets herpes. In the meantime, how big of an A-hole is Bill Murray? Assuming any of this turns out to be true, I’m leaning towards colossal.

UPDATE: TMZ has a statement from Bill Murray’s lawyer: “Bill Murray is deeply saddened by the dissolution of his marriage to Jennifer. Mr. and Mrs. Murray remain loving parents, committed to the best interests of their children. Mr. Murray asks that the public respect his family’s privacy at this difficult time.” I’m not a lawyer, but shouldn’t they have denied the allegations?

There’s something sweet about a couple that share common interests. In Rob and Sheryl Lowe’s case, it’s getting sued for sexual harassment. Aww, now that’s good marriage-ing. While Rob is facing allegations of his own, Sheryl just got nailed in a lawsuit from another former nanny. Apparently Mrs. Lowe is a bit of an exhibitionist, according to People:

Laura Boyce, who worked for the couple for seven months in 2007, claims Sheryl Lowe created an “extremely sexually offensive and hostile work environment … behaving in a … perverted, disgusting and crude manner.”
Boyce also alleges that Sheryl used the “n” word in reference to Boyce’s boyfriend, who was an NBA player.
Sheryl also allegedly “walked around naked, completely exposing herself” to Boyce, asked about her boyfriend’s private parts and talked about Sheryl’s sex life with Rob.

I don’t know what these people are complaining about. Working for the Lowes sounds AWESOME. In fact, I’d like to offer Rob and Sheryl my services. I’ve got no problem with nudity and, Sheryl, feel free to ask me anytime if my dong is long like Donkey Kong.*

*Editor’s Note: It’s itty and bitty like the Kong’s pal Diddy.

Jessica Gibson, the former 24-year-old nanny of Rob Lowe, is claiming the actor “exposed himself, touched himself and groped her several times in her lawsuit, filed yesterday in Santa Barbara,” according to TMZ:

The suit also alleges that the actor grabbed her butt without her consent in December 2007, around the time she quit working for the Lowes.

Jessica appeared on The Today Show this morning and you guys can scope out the video above. I find both sides of the story to be suspicious. Rob Lowe with his preemptive strike in the media and Jessica Gibson continuing to return to work for the Lowe’s after quitting and her resignation texts. Though somewhere in the middle is probably the truth which is that Rob Lowe touched himself and invited the nanny to watch - along with the neighbors, some Shriners and his Brothers & Sisters costar Sally Field, who would’ve loved to stopped by, but never knows what to bring to these things. A deli tray or is this more of a light dessert affair?

The lawsuit everyone knew was coming was filed yesterday. The Hogans are being sued by the family of John Graziano the young Marine who remains in a coma after being injured in a car crash. John was riding in the the Toyota Supra that Nick Hogan managed to turn into a crushed banana with the help of a tree. And, also, oh I dunno, some booze. The St. Petersburg Times reports:

The suit will seek damages in the millions, said attorney George Tragos, but the exact amount is not known because it remains unclear how expensive Graziano’s care will be. Tragos said the former Marine’s medical bills already exceed $1 million.

Just how injured is John Graziano? Let’s say it’s somewhere between super fucked up and Jesus Christ, they took part of your brain!:

Lawyers today said that a portion of Graziano’s frontal lobe had to be removed because of the crash. He is in a “semi-conscious” state and responds to certain stimuli like heat and touch, lawyers said.

The suit is definitely pointing out well-known facts that Linda Hogan encouraged her son Nick’s reckless driving. And that Hulk also owned the other car that Nick was racing with before he crashed. The driver of that car is also named in the suit. Coincidentally, lawyers also filed a motion that Brooke Hogan should wash my car in a bikini. Or at least they will if they know what’s good for them. *waves donut threateningly* That’s right, son, jelly: The deadliest of the donu - wait, my bad. It’s only peanut butter. Goddammit…

R&B singer Brandy’s mom Sonja Norwood claims Kim Kardashian used her credit card to rack up a $120,000 bill in 2006 and 2007. Sonja explains to People why she waited until now to sue Kim:

“I did not want to commence litigation against the Kardashian family without conducting an exhaustive investigation into the charges and discussing all options, including criminal prosecution, with my family.”

Brandy’s mom also gave Kim and her siblings the opportunity to settle the matter out of court:

“After Ray J and Brandy urged me not to file criminal charges because of their prior friendship, I decided to afford the Kardashians an opportunity to resolve this matter without a lawsuit,” Norwood said. “When the fraudulent charges were brought to their attention, they apologized profusely, and advised us, through their attorneys, that they would pay the debt in full. However, they have since reneged on that promise.”

To be honest, I could care less how this situation turns out. I just wanted an excuse to post pics of Kim Kardashian’s astronomical backyard. Colleagues say I’m like a modern-day Walter Cronkite. You know, if he wasn’t afraid of the Internet and played Edward Forty-hands everyday at lunch. If you’ll excuse me, I need to run out and buy some duct tape and Old E. That counts as a business expense, right? I’m writing it off anyway. If you work for the IRS, pretend you didn’t just read that.

Filed under: Cellphones

No, this isn’t some horrific dream stuck on repeat. The legal quarrels between Nokia and Qualcomm are actually still ongoing, and while a US International Trade Commission judge has indeed issued an initial determination that favors Nokia, you can bet your bottom dollar that Qualcomm will be “petitioning the commission for a review.” Nevertheless, judge Paul Luckern reportedly “found no infringement or violation by Nokia of the three asserted Qualcomm patents,” which consequently led Nokia’s CFO to proclaim that this was simply “another failed attempt by Qualcomm to mislead both Nokia and the telecommunications industry.” Of course, we wouldn’t recommend striking this battle off as complete — after all, the determination now has to be forwarded on to the full commission for review, and it’s not slated to dole out a final call until April.

[Via Yahoo / Reuters]

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Office Depot Featured Gadget: Xbox 360 Platinum System Packs the power to bring games to life!

Filed under: Handhelds, Laptops, Tablet PCs

You don’t have to look far outside of the Eastern District of Texas to find yourself a fresh patent infringement case, and sure enough, that’s precisely where this one was filed. Getting dinged up today is none other than the Round Rock powerhouse and Motion Computing, both of which are being sued for so-called willful infringement on Typhoon Touch Technologies / Nova Mobility Systems touch panel patents. Apparently, the two defendants are being accused of profiting off of two particular patents without paying the plaintiffs their respective royalties, and the lawsuit is seeking to “enjoin Dell and Motion Computing from the continued violation of [the] patents” while also extracting a presumably hefty sum of cash. No specific products are blamed, but we’re told that the patents cover technology used in tablet PCs, slate PCs, handheld PCs, UMPCs, PDAs and a host of other gear.

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Office Depot Featured Gadget: Xbox 360 Platinum System Packs the power to bring games to life!

Filed under: HDTV, Home Entertainment

Although FiOS just celebrated its second birthday last month, the third year isn’t exactly off to a sensational start. Reportedly, Digital Art Services, a New York-based advertising company, has slapped Verizon Communications with a lawsuit alleging that the firm “overstated subscribers to its fiber-optic service and charged inflated prices for advertisements there.” Essentially, the plaintiff is suggesting that Verizon included “pending customers” in its public subscriber reports which were “false and inflated.” Interestingly, a spokesperson for Verizon stated that while he had yet to see the lawsuit, it sounded like a “garden variety business dispute.” Of note, Digital Art was informed that pending customers could be included “as they were usually converted to active subscribers within two weeks,” but it found that many prospective buyers “waited up to 10 months for their service to become active.”

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Office Depot Featured Gadget: Xbox 360 Platinum System Packs the power to bring games to life!