Before she was Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, she was Sarah Heath, aspiring model. By ridiculous request, here’s the video of Sarah during the swimsuit competition portion of the 1984 Miss Alaska Beauty Pageant. While 80’s hair and one-piece bathing suits don’t exactly raise my flag, I’ll admit the governor does have an ass on her. On that note, I should probably watch what I say before my words end up in a campaign ad:

Even fancy liberals with their magic Internet boxes agree: One half of McCain/Palin will bring much needed badonkadonk to Washington.

“I’ll admit the governor does have an ass on her.” - The Superficial, 9/29/2008

McCain/Palin: Oops, I dropped my pen…

Filed under: Wearables

If you hadn’t heard by now, Speedo’s new LZR Racer swimsuit has caused a respectable amount of controversy for itself in the run-up to the Olympics. The innovative, NASA-aided design cinches up on a swimmer and reduces drag by as much as 10 percent, and detractors claim Speedo has thrown a bit of buoyancy in there for good measure. FINA, who has the last word on such matters, has approved the suit, says that buoyancy claims are unproven, and has pointed out that all major manufacturers have suits available to all athletes free of charge, removing any concerns that the $500 suits — which only last for 10 uses — will pose an obstacle to poorer countries. Unsurprisingly, some of the biggest criticism of the suit has come from countries tied up in sponsorships with other suit manufacturers, while a good many countries and athletes have broken from lucrative deals to swim Speedo. So, what’s the actual damage? 48 world records were set this year before the olympics, 44 of those wearing the suit. Since the olympics have started, 8 records have fallen, and that number is certain to grow. A large number, to be sure, but we’d say the time for crying over Speedo’s awesmazingness is over, and the time to watch really muscular people with large feet break world records is upon us.

Read - DailyTech
Read - Sports Illustrated

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Paris Hilton in a bathing suit threatening to run for office. Awesome. Not only do I now have eye herpes, but I’m forced to live in fear of a dystopian future where Paris Hilton shapes our country’s political discourse. FunnyOrDie folks, that is the complete opposite of funny. So how does this work: Does she die now or do I? Frankly, I’m cool either way at this point.

These are shots of Kim Kardashian poolside at her house in a bikini/swimsuit while filming an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I’m starting to think the title of the show is a jab at Kim’s inability to keep up with her family when they’re out shopping. “Wait, up, guys. *huff* *huff *huff* Ooh, Cinnabon. Hey, c’mon, guys. *huff* I just sat on a little kid. *huff* I think he’s hurt. *huff* Mall security is shooting at me but the bullets just ricochet into the crowd. Not the pretzel guy! Jorge, NO! *huff* C’mon, guys! Stop laughing!”

NOTE: I’m kidding, of course. She’s a beautiful full-figured woman that I’d totally take out for a romantic dinner - at Bonanza.

Playboy Playmate Iliana Fischer took in some chill time on the beach in Malibu. I’m not really familiar with her work so I scoped out her official website. Fortunately she’s attractive because, after watching a clip of her film Blind Passion, Iliana has the acting skills of a meatball sub - with boobs. However, she’s set to break out with a music video that looks like it was entirely shot in a parked car outside my apartment building - by Spencer Pratt. Wow, that was way over the line. My bad. Let me rephrase that: It was shot by a blind guy. See? I can be nice.

Does anyone remember Erika Eleniak? The smoking hot babe from Baywatch, Under Seige and, more importantly, Playboy. Basically she’s a national treasure. The paps caught some shots of her filming a movie that I can’t find a reference to anywhere. This might be an Ashton Kutcher prank, but who cares? He dug up Erika Eleniak and tossed her in a swimsuit. It’s the archaeological find of the century. I mean, she’s pushing 40 and looks banging. I’d throw 22-year-old Lindsay Lohan under a bus to get at Erika. Of course, there’s lots of things I’d throw Lindsay under a bus for - like a Klondike bar. Or a shiny penny.

George Clooney’s girlfriend Sarah Larson helped model the new Ashley Paige swimsuits last night during LA Fashion Week. If you don’t recognize Sarah, it’s because her resume includes Vegas cocktail waitress and Fear Factor contestant. But now Sarah’s career is taking off as she enjoys her current role as George Clooney’s boobless arm candy. Good for her. But now, seriously, George, what do you have against breasts? Your mother was a cold woman, wasn’t she? Hmm, yes, I can tell. Never had time for little George did she now? No, always preoccupied with culinary pursuits and, judging by your after shave, haberdashing. Fly, fly, Mr. Clooney. Fly fly.