Tara Reid has already checked out of rehab after only three weeks of treatment, according to People:

“She checked out on Saturday,” says the source. “She’s doing well. The whole family is very positive about this being the new beginning for her.”
Despite Reid being in treatment since only last month, her family and friends are optimistic about her future. “They are taking steps to do everything they can to help Tara keep on the right track,” adds the source.

I don’t care what People’s source/Tara’s publicist says, three weeks is nowhere near enough time to cure her level of alcoholism. We’re talking about a woman who once ate through a locked door to get to an almost empty bottle of Stoli’s. Don’t remember that story? That’s because it’s happening right now, and shit, she smells the beer in my liver. Look, Tara, a martini! *dives out window*

Tara Reid has checked into rehab, according to People:

“Tara Reid has checked herself into Promises Treatment Center. We appreciate your respect to her and her family’s privacy at this time,” the actress’s rep Jack Ketsoyan tells PEOPLE.
The rep would not reveal what Reid, 33, is being treated for.

It’s booze.

NURSE: Miss Reid, before we check in you’re going to have remove all alcoholic beverages from your person.
TARA: What?
NURSE: Miss Reid, you’re clearly smuggling a bottle of Jack Daniels in your left breast.
TARA: No, no. It always look like that.
NURSE: Then why were you trying to drink from it?
TARA: There a law against that?
NURSE: Not necessarily.
TARA: Good. Now, who do I talk to about the cat I puked on back there?
NURSE: That’s not a cat, Miss Reid. It’s Richie Sambora.
TARA: No shit? That would explain the sex…

You know how Tara Reid’s stomach looks like it’s made of Silly Putty that’s been viciously stretched by a psychotic child? You know whose fault that is? The medically licensed butcher who operated on her? Uh-uh; it’s the media. People magazine reports:

Tara Reid has a message for anyone wishing to criticize her body: Enough already!
After unflattering bikini shots of her surfaced last week, Reid faced a barrage of Internet attacks aimed at her post-surgery figure. “I’ve been a media target for years now,” the actress, 33, tells PEOPLE. “It does hurt my feelings, but what can I do? I have to move on.”

That’s right; Tara Reid is a media target. Anyone who read the New York Times‘ Page One story, “Gov’t Says Tara Reid Hiding WMD in the Hollows In Her Fucked-Up Ass Cheeks” knows that. And just yesterday, Sean Hannity was demanding to know the full extent of the relationship between Tara Reid’s stomach and William Ayers. It’s all been a fiendish plot to sabotage her acting career and destroy any chance she has of winning an Oscar. Damn you, fourth estate!

Tara Reid continued her Miami vacation yesterday which begs the question: Does Tara Reid even work? Anyway, I couldn’t help but notice she’s rocking the rare under-cleavage which almost (almost) distracted me from the Fleshy Picasso she calls a stomach. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to pour scalding hot coffee in my eyes. Ooh, hazelnut!

Tara Reid hit the beach in Miami this weekend and CHRIST! DON’T LOOK DIRECTLY AT HER! It’s like someone was molding her out of clay then got drunk halfway through and quit: “Eh, that looks good. Who doesn’t love it when one asscheek hangs lower than the other like a runny pancake? Goddamn hot. Now who wants more Jagerbombs? WOO-HOO! Wait. What do you mean I left my clothes iron on her stomach? Haha, you’re crazy.”

Tara Reid showed off some more of her clothing line Mantra at the second day of When I Move You Move Fashion Show in Vegas. I guess her line consists solely of a long piece of rope. Considering the source, honestly, I’m impressed. “Yeah, you see, it’s just like a rope that I tie around my head so I don’t get puke and stuff in my hair while I’m in some dude’s hot tub. But he still has to pay me. He still has to pay me. I am worth it! *HORF* Ha ha! That’s where that condom went…”

Tara Reid showed off her clothing line “Mantra” at the When I Move You Move show in Las Vegas yesterday. Between Tara and Heidi Montag I can only assume they’re handing out clothing lines to anyone with a pulse. I should get in on this action. I’ll call my line “Buy this Crap.” It’ll be bold, daring and everything yet nothing at the same time. (Read: Whatever the kids at the sweat shop can throw together - then embroider with puppies.)

Tara Reid needs work and she needs it bad. Mostly because booze doesn’t grow on trees. (Hang tight, Tara, I’ve got people on it.) She’s tried to score a gig on ABC’s Dancing with the Stars, but network execs are looking for someone that, how do I put this gently? Isn’t a drunk stupid whore. FOX News reports:

According to our inside source, the perennial party girl has applied for the show multiple times but was rejected each time on the basis that she isn’t “family friendly” enough. Ouch.

But, hey, guess who is apparently fun for the whole family: Kim Kardashian! Oh, wow, that makes almost perfect sense if this were Retarded Land:

And speculation has been stirring for quite some time about whether Kim Kardashian will bring her booty into the ballroom — but it looks as though it’s going to be a double whammy this season. A Kardashian camp insider said that Kim will be battling against her mom, Kris Jenner.

Okay, let me make sure I’ve got this straight. Raging alcoholic with Franken-boobs: Not quite family entertainment. Chick who’s famous for getting peed on: “Kids, go get grandpa and gather around the TV. This is more wholesome than church!” I’m starting to understand the terrorists now.

Tara Reid loves alcohol more than I do. Some say she may even marry it. Who knows? What I do know is that she was asked to host the Bikini Beach Party 2008 at Crobar in Chicago. I’m guessing lots of coke was involved in that decision because, Surprise!, Tara showed up an hour late and proceeded to drink the entire bar. No really, the entire thing. She picked it up, tilted into her mouth and started chugging as if it was her childhood juice cup - which, coincidentally, also contained scotch. FOX News reports:

According to an eyewitness, at one point Reid was busting her moves in the man-made sandbox while holding a martini before going on stage and giving a very slurred shout-out on the mic.
The “American Pie” actress apparently then made her way upstairs into the VIP room while bumping into people and even knocking other guests’ drinks out of their hands.

TMZ also reports that last night Tara had her friends stage a fake scene for a reality show just so she could get into Hyde. Christ, she’s like an alcoholic version of the Hamburglar: “Robble robble. Pour me a drink. Robble robble. No, this is my real voice. Robble robble. If babies were made of rum, I’d drink them. Robble robble robble.”

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Maybe my brain is permanently damaged from the Amy Winehouse post or I’m still drunk from lunch yesterday, but these pics of Tara Reid in Mexico are surprisingly not bad. I see she received the sheet I mailed her to cover up those trouble spots. Read: her ass and stomach. I also sent Tara a paper bag to cover her face but I don’t see it. She probably tried to fill it with booze only to realize, like so many of us have, that grocery bags make shitty cups. For the record, I’m not making a joke about Tara Reid’s debilitating drinking problem. I’m making a joke about Tara Reid being a colossal idiot - who loves Big Gulps full of gin.

A New Jersey woman purchased some items at an auction that belonged to Tara Reid’s grandmother. The items include a ton of Tara’s baby photos and letters the grandmother wrote to baby Tara. But the Reid family doesn’t seem to be interested, according to Page Six:

“These are sentimental family heirlooms,” said the current owner. “It has no monetary value but looks like it would be valuable to the family.” She’s tried reaching out to the Reid family, but, “They just don’t seem interested, or maybe they aren’t even aware we have it.”

I happen to have a copy of one those letters right here. Let’s take a peak at this precious exchange from a loving grandmother:

Dear sweet little Tara,

Your Grandmama so enjoys your visits with her and Poppy. We think it’s just adorable the way your two-year-old little hands open the liquor cabinet and pour yourself a juice cup full of Jim Bean. It was also so heartwarming to introduce us to your boyfriend you met at the track when you escaped for four hours. Your Poppy loves meeting new people. He’d never met a 60-year-old truck driver before. I think you two make a handsome couple - when you’re not piss drunk and throwing bottles at each other. But relationships are a tricky sort.
Grandmama has to go now. The police are here to ask questions about your little car ride. We still don’t know how you reached the pedals. Such a smart girl you are.

Hugs and Kisses!

Grandmama

P.S. Hope you enjoy the scotch-soaked Oreos! My little cupcake’s favorite treat! Smooches!

Tara Reid got drunk last night in London and flashed her venomous nether regions while getting out of a car. Tara Reid was allegedly sober once. It was during the first few minutes of her birth. Though I hear five bottles of whiskey fell out of her mom’s uterus when they cut the umbilical cord. Years later a pony keg was also found in her fallopian tube. Sadly, it was kicked.

Tara Reid stayed true to herself and got shit-faced at Mahiki nightclub in London last night. People don’t understand that she needs to drink to perform everyday functions. That doesn’t make her an alcoholic. Not even close. That just makes Tara Reid awesome enough to pee in the ashtray of this SUV she rolled into. Or was that her shoe? Either way, she’s ashing her smoke in it. Now who wants to see some tits? Eh, you in the front seat, I know you do. Aw, you’re crying. That’s so sweet.

Do you really want to see her breasts before the plastic surgery then

Tara Reid insists she doesn’t have an eating disorder or a drinking problem. In fact, Tara would much rather stay in and, knowing her, probably read the Bible to orphans. Here’s what she said to OK!:

On her weight:
“I’m not too thin. I go up 10 pounds, I go down 10 pounds. I was thin for a movie that I just finished [the upcoming horror film Vipers]. Now they’re going to see me and say I’m too fat because I’ve gained 10 pounds… I can’t win!”

On supposedly partying every night:
“I don’t like going out every single night. I like to hang with friends and eat and sit next to a fire — that to me is the best night.”

On people calling her an alcoholic:
“If I have a drink in my hand, it doesn’t make me an alcoholic. If I want a glass of wine, I want a glass of wine. I shouldn’t be afraid of it because of what the media might say. Anything you do, you’re screwed. That’s the lesson I’ve learned.”

I just noticed Tara Reid is not only full of shit but has an unusually long neck. Must be a side effect from all that anorexia. Or the debilitating alcoholism. I can’t decide. Then again it could be the whoring. Can’t forget the whoring.

Tara Reid got plowed last night in London and had some trouble walking home. Fortunately a friend was around to give her a hand. Tara kindly thanked him by puking on his arm. I’ll assume half the dude’s arm melted off along with a chunk of the pavement. Scientists have quarantined the block until they can contain what many in the field are calling “some crazy-ass ho stank.”