Get this: Turns out David Duchnovny’s “sex addiction” (Read: He has a penis.) was not the cause of his separation from Tea Leoni, but instead she was having an affair with Billy Bob Fucking Thornton. How does this guy keep getting chicks? Anyway, Mulder supposedly found text messages between Tea and Billy Bob causing things to go South, according to the Daily Mail:

Through the texts Duchovny found out she had begun a relationship with Oscar-winning actor Billy Bob Thornton, 53, who was formerly married to Angelina Jolie.
Thornton, a musician with his own band, has been seen with Téa at his gigs.
‘She even helps him load and unload his truck,’ says a friend of the couple.

She hauls his instruments for him. So that’s how Billy Bob does it. Here I’ve been taking chicks to fancy dinners like an idiot when I should’ve been treating them like a roadie. Excuse me, I need to tell my date we’re bailing on Olive Garden tonight, and that she better know how to work a soundboard.

UPDATE: She told me to “eat a dick.” So, ladies, should I take that as “Yes, you’re getting laid tonight.” or “Perhaps at a later date?” If it helps with the decryption, she also tried to pepper spray me through the phone.

Thanks to Kristen whose physical prowess suggests she can haul some amps like a mofo.

David Duchovny and Tea Leoni’s publicist revealed the two are actually separated and have been for months now, according to People:

“In light of continuous speculation over the lives and marriage of Tea Leoni and David Duchovny, the couple has confirmed that they have in fact been separated for several months,” the statement says. “The couple had hoped to keep this separation private for the sake of their children.”

So, wait, going on a binge of strippers and porn after separating from your wife is considered sex addiction now? Jesus. Last I checked it was called being PERFECTLY GODDAMN NORMAL. That’s like crawling out of a desert then saying you’re addicted to water.

Okay, maybe David Duchovny cheated on Tea Leoni after all. Apparently, The Duchov has a history of seducing unsuspecting extras. I bet he tells them there’s a government conspiracy in his pants. Now that’s smooth and something I could never pull off. Even if the NSA bugged my testicles - which they did. NY Daily News reports:

But The National Enquirer reports that Duchovny went into rehab because Leoni “finally caught him [cheating].”
He said Tea gave him an ultimatum: “Get treatment or our marriage is over,” a source told the tab, which is riding high after getting former presidential candidate John Edwards to admit his tomcattin’.
“At first, Duchovny tried to lie his way out of trouble, but eventually was overwhelmed with guilt and confessed,” The Enquirer contends.
US Weekly concurs that Duchovny, 48, “has a history of indiscretions,” according to “multiple sources.” The mag claims he put the moves on an extra on his Showtime hit, “Californication.” “They ended up making out,” alleges a source. “She later heard this wasn’t the first time he’d taken special interest in an extra.”

I’m glad they finally dropped the whole porn addiction angle. Seriously, how can you can be addicted to something you need to survive? That’s like saying “Hey, everybody, I’m addicted to oxygen.” Pfft. Celebrities. What a bunch of weirdos.

David Duchovny’s checked into rehab last week to seek treatment for sex addiction. Rumors were circulating that he had an affair with his tennis instructor because apparently people believe celebrities are characters in Dallas. A close friend of Mulder’s set the record straight that it’s a bad case of porn addiction. FOX News reports:

Alas, it isn’t so, says a close friend. Duchovny did not check in because of an extramarital fling. That much the friend is certain of. Even more so: Duchovny’s problem has been longstanding. His wife, Tea Leoni, was aware of it for some time. It had just reached a point where it had to be treated.
I have inferred from my conversation with Duchovny’s friend that this has something to do with an addiction to pornography, probably on the internet. It’s the sex equivalent of a gambling addiction, where the person is just hopelessly trapped in chat rooms.

Wait. There’s porn on the Internet? …. Hold my calls.