David Letterman is growing visibly tired with having the “stars” of MTV’s The Hills on his show. Last night Lauren Conrad stopped by and you can tell Dave wasn’t in the sunshine up-the-ass blowing mood. Check out his comments:

On Lauren Conrad’s constant drama:
“That raises the question, maybe you’re the problem. You think? Let me give you an example from my own life. For a long time–10, 15, 30, 40 years–I thought, ‘Jeez people are idiots.’ And then it occurred to me, ‘Is it possible everyone’s an idiot?’ Maybe I’m the idiot.”

On Spencer Pratt:
“Spencer, what a weasel. He’s just the worst, that guy.”

On Brody Jenner:
“Let me just tell you something about Brody. If there was no television, this guy would be living in a tree.”

My favorite part is when Dave tells Lauren she’s the problem, and she just sits there stunned. She literally has no clue what just hit her. It’s called “REALITY”, and surprise! It doesn’t come with a pink script and a latte. OMFG!

Video after the jump.

MTV’s ratings juggernaut The Hills may end after this season proving that perhaps there is a God after all. Turns out these jackasses, including the Laurens (above), are holding out for more money and fail to realize they could be easily replaced with chimps. Which would probably make the show exponentially more watchable. (Provided the chimps where those little propeller hats.) OK! Magazine reports:

“No one gets along anymore,” an insider explains. “Whitney moved to New York, Audrina can’t stand to be in the same room as Lauren anymore and they all want more money.”

And, since it’s Wednesday, here are the PER EPISODE salaries of The Hills stars, so your head can explode:

LAUREN: $75,000
HEIDI: $65,000
SPENCER: $65,000
AUDRINA: $35,000
BRODY: $10,000

Okay, I get it: It’s MTV. But still, I seriously doubt one of these jokers could walk in and say they don’t make enough money without getting beaten to death with a stapler. I already want to run over Heidi & Spencer with my car, could you imagine if I had to pay them? I’d be pouring the goddamn Hanta virus in their coffee every morning.

Because I love you guys I try to post about The Hills as little as possible. That being said, I always enjoy an opportunity to point out how ridiculously fake the show and everyone on it is. The latest “hot” rumor is that Lauren Conrad supposedly slept with Audrina Patridge’s on/off boyfriend Justin Bobby (I want to die for typing this sentence.) But it turns out, in a move worthy of Heidi & Spencer, Audrina is the one who started the rumor so she’d have her own storyline, according to Us Weekly:

A source close to The Hills says, “Audrina herself spread the rumors to get more attention. Audrina is the one who gets the least attention. She was so jealous, she concocted this on her own.”

OMG! LC gonna FTW your face, bitch!

I don’t even know what that means. On that note, forgive me for posting about Audrina Patridge when she’s not in a bikini. I’m better than that.

While doing press for her new movie Battle in Seattle, Charlize Theron told Josh Horowitz of MTV.com that she can’t figure out why the hell people watch The Hills:

Theron: [Long pause, laughs.] So I watched a couple episodes. I was doing a world tour at the time, so I watched them in a couple languages. I realized that this f—ing show is huge. Now I’m going to ask you a question: Why?
MTV: Why what?
Theron: Why is it so big? It’s about nothing! This is a free country. Freedom of speech! You can tell me right now to my face that “Reindeer Games” was a piece of sh–. That’s totally fine. But “The Hills” is about nothing. I think the girls are beautiful and when they cry their mascara runs and that’s real, but I don’t get it!

Charlize Theron: Smoking hot and hates The Hills. I don’t want to alarm anybody, but I have an erection. Don’t panic; it’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Lauren Conrad, star of The Hills and the only person alive with the personality of oatmeal, has inked a three book deal with Harper Collins. Lauren will write a series of teen fiction novels called “L.A. Candy” which will mirror elements of her own life, according to the AP:

“I’ve always loved books that I could lose myself in, ones that would transport me to another place, but had characters I could relate to,” Conrad said. “I’m so excited to have this opportunity to write books like that for other readers.”

Oh, boy, I’ve always wanted to read the literary equivalent of a coma! Thanks, Lauren Conrad!

In a glaring example the Apocalypse is at hand, The Hills is a hot commodity these days. Major fashion designers send thousands of dollars worth of clothing to Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge. However, Heidi Montag is left out of this circle of love because, obviously, she has the public persona of a retarded hooker. Fox News reports:

One of Los Angeles’ leading fashion reps (who is often responsible for dressing the likes of Miley Cyrus, Angelina Jolie, Fergie and Carmen Electra) told Pop Tarts that Heidi’s public persona is a little too cheap even for casual (but classy) brands.
“They don’t want their stuff on Heidi, even despite the fact that she is very media-friendly and is photographed a lot,” the rep said. “It’s just not the caliber of celebrity most clients go for.”

Other celebrities of a higher caliber than Heidi Montag:

1. The guy on the Pringles can.
2. Ross Perot.
3. Remember the dude who’s getting a Dell?
4. Jon Stamos. (Marginally.)
5. The Philly Phanatic.
6. Me. (I want free shit! Size: SEXY.)

Yes, Heidi, you’ve got the right idea. This is definitely the way to finally get people to respect you as an artist. No foolin’. In the meantime after looking at these pictures, I gotta ask: Does no one carry a gun to the supermarket anymore? You can’t tell me there wasn’t some old lady packin’ who could’ve mowed these two down by the arugula. I thought this was America, dammit!

Spencer Pratt wants everyone to know Jesus and him are “making the connection.” Not only that, but he’s taking spiritual advice from Heidi “I’d Rather Die Than Live Without Chest Balloons” Montag. You know, the chick recently tried to pretend she’s a virgin. Holy art the assclowns. Scope out the Passion of Spencer Pratt via Us Magazine:

When Mary-Kate Olsen said that he had a bad temper, for example, “my natural Spencer Pratt had to attack,” he says.
So he called her the “less cute” twin.
“Heidi’s there going, ‘What would Jesus do? What would Jesus do?’” Pratt says. “And I’m like, ‘Jesus gave me these great comebacks.’ And she’s like, ‘No, that’s the devil.’”
Pratt says he now goes to church every Sunday with Montag.
“People are very excited to see me there. They’re like, ‘It’s good you’re here,’ and they’re patting me on the back like, ‘Thank you for being here.’”

Ha ha ha! The poor jackass thinks people at church recognize him. Adorable. I almost don’t have the heart to tell him they don’t care who he is; they just want money. But somehow I persevere: They want your cash, douchenuts!

Season 4 of the The Hills premieres tonight, and to further emphasize the continued decline of civilization, Heidi Montag has released a new single “Overdosin’” which sounds exactly like her previous single “Fashion”. I’m pretty sure Heidi Montag is just sitting in a recording booth saying words. No, scratch that. I don’t want to give this thing more credit than it’s due. Anyway, Heidi explained the meaning of her latest abortion to Ryan Seacrest this morning:

“‘Overdosin” is about “when you fall in love with someone… and [you’re] just overdosing off of their love.”

Now, if only Heidi and Spencer would overdose off each other’s love - or heroin. I’m cool either way.

Audio after the jump.

In a giant “Fuck you!” to me from the universe, I’ve learned that Audrina Patridge of MTV’s The Hills gets paid $10,000 just to show up at clubs and drink. Nobody ever pays me to drink. Though somebody once tried to pay me not to drink. I told them to take their million bucks and scram. NY Daily News reports:

Not only does the contract require the $10k she earned, it also promises that Patridge and her entourage will be well taken care of. The Maxim model, 23, demands “a secure VIP area with complimentary beer, mixed drinks and bottle service (two bottles) and at least one security guard at all times,” according to the rider.

If somebody shows up a club screaming “Oh my God, I have to get in! Audrina Patridge is here!”, I think the bouncers should legally be allowed to sterilize that person. I dunno, that’s just me. Call me crazy, but I’d like to see the human race survive and not be snuffed out in a “poof” of fake tits, lattes and vapid assclowns. Unless that “poof” is the sound of an H-bomb hitting Spencer Pratt in the neck.

In a giant “Fuck you!” to me from the universe, I’ve learned that Audrina Patridge of MTV’s The Hills gets paid $10,000 just to show up at clubs and drink. Nobody ever pays me to drink. Though somebody once tried to pay me not to drink. I told them to take their million bucks and scram. NY Daily News reports:

Not only does the contract require the $10k she earned, it also promises that Patridge and her entourage will be well taken care of. The Maxim model, 23, demands “a secure VIP area with complimentary beer, mixed drinks and bottle service (two bottles) and at least one security guard at all times,” according to the rider.

If somebody shows up a club screaming “Oh my God, I have to get in! Audrina Patridge is here!”, I think the bouncers should legally be allowed to sterilize that person. I dunno, that’s just me. Call me crazy, but I’d like to see the human race survive and not be snuffed out in a “poof” of fake tits, lattes and vapid assclowns. Unless that “poof” is the sound of an H-bomb hitting Spencer Pratt in the neck.

Heidi Montag is a devout Christian and wish people knew more about her faith. But you don’t hear much of that because she’s too busy posing in pictures that could only be used as Aryan greeting cards. But in between displaying her funbags, Heidi has a deep spiritual side that she shared with USA Today. Let’s take a look at Heidi’s ability to form thoughts which will make you cringe because of the fact her uterus is fertile and capable of reproduction:

On how she’s just like Jesus but with implants:
“There were rumors about a sex tape, but I had nothing to do with that. God knows the truth in all of this, and at the end of the day, that is the only thing that matters. Jesus was persecuted, and I’m going to get persecuted, ya know? But it doesn’t matter to me.”

On her and Spencer’s faith and surprising ability to read:
Montag identifies herself as “kind of non-denominational Baptist” and hopes to release a Christian album one day. Both she and Pratt read the Bible conscientiously. “I have been the most religious person since I was 2 years old. I always felt this crazy connection to God.”

On traveling to Africa - Paris Hilton style:
This August, she and Pratt are headed to Africa to “feed children and help build things.” Cameras will capture their trek, but not for The Hills.

Heidi also plans on releasing a Christian music album and you know what? I couldn’t think of a better market for her. SNAP! Did I just burn religion and Heidi in one sentence? I think I did. Who’s Jesus now? Eh? If you’ll excuse me, I need to go turn the water cooler into wine.

UPDATE: Didn’t work so I just poured vodka in. That’s in The Bible too.

In case there was any doubt that Heidi Montag has absolutely no musical talent whatsoever, she’s started her own label in an effort to get her album out there. In the meantime, Heid’s released another song called “Fashion” (audio after the jump). And let me tell you it’s every bit as amazing as you could imagine it to be. Did I say amazing? I meant ass sandwich. People reports:

“Heidi has started her own record label with Super Producer RedONE,” a source tells PEOPLE. “RedOne will write and produce with Heidi an entire album of 13 songs.”

And it’s official: Even if strippers and malt liquor shot out of Heidi’s uvula, I’d rather hear the sound of my own testicles deflating then listen to another thing come out of her Harpie piehole. Rolling Stone, feel free to quote me on that.

I’m really trying not to post about Walking Barbie here, but, admittedly, I find perverse joy when she’s caught by the paps not wearing (a metric ton of) make-up at LAX (above) or gets stuck in ATM vestibule. It’s obvious Heidi is out of her element when she’s not posing for the Sears catalog from Hell. Also, her and Spencer seem to be having a tiff. I bet it involved an in-flight restroom and who gets to look in the mirror. Even more amusing is how clearly you can read Heidi’s thoughts just looking at her face: “I WUV KITTENS!”

Once I start kicking asshats from The Hills in the proverbial nuts, I just can’t stop. Which brings us to Heidi Montag who managed to get herself trapped in an ATM vestibule last night. And, surprisingly, it wasn’t staged. Heidi acts as if she could’ve got out without coaching from the paps, but let’s be real: She’d still be in there as we speak. Just like the time she got stuck in that mask with the giant chin and retarded smile.

Model Cora Skinner hit the beach in Hawaii yesterday with boyfriend Brody Jenner of The Hils. I’m pretty sure it’s a crime against nature for a chick this hot to date a bag this douchey. Brody even has his own last name tattooed up his side which is just pure stupid in my book. That’s like writing “Will Pay Child Support Out the Anus” on your forehead. Sure, it’ll get you laid but then, uh, hmm. Maybe he’s on to something. Anyone got a Sharpie?

Audrina Patridge of The Hills, and more importantly this bikini post, flashed her panties while getting out of her car over the weekend. I don’t like to acknowledge Audrina’s existence or any other “stars” of The Hills and, to prove that, I’m going to post an internal memo that’s shooting around our office. Consider this a “behind the scenes” look at The Superficial:

MEMORANDUM

TO: The Superficial Writer

FROM: The Superficial Writer

RE: The Hills and the asshats upon which it contains.

Henceforth, no person of questionable celebrity from the MTV show The Hills will be posted on The Superficial without meeting the strictest of guidelines. This applies to Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt, Audrina Patridge, Lauren Conrad and the other people whose names will never be important enough to remember. In fact, I’m embarrassed to know the four I just listed. On to the guidelines:

1. Fake jugs must be prominently displayed in a bikini. (See: Heidi, Audrina. Don’t see: Lauren.)

2. Panty flashification.

3. Sex tapes - but only if clip is provided. The Superficial retains the right to not air clip if it shows Spencer’s penis. (Edit: The Geekologie Writer and the science dept. has classified Spencer’s penis in the same category as unicorns: Totally fucking made up.)

4. Toplessness.

5. Bottomlessness.

6. Something really unbelievably awesome happens. i.e. Heidi gets hit in the mouth with a space shuttle, Lauren does something that doesn’t put me to sleep, Audrina’s eye unwonks itself, etc.

If none of these conditions are present, the existence of the aforementioned asshats will be denied. In essence, we’re now in the business of doing God’s work but with an eye towards boobs. Ha! You just got pwned, Big Guy.

END MEMO

These are the latest batch from Heidi Montag’s posed-as-all-hell bikini shoot. I’m actually impressed that her chest balloons didn’t glide her right off the balcony and out to sea. Clearly, this proves there is no God or at the very least he doesn’t hear my prayers. Time for a new tactic: Voodoo. Now that’s some reliable shit. Okay, anyone got a Barbie doll I can borrow/dip in acid? Joker from Batman, you still on here? Call me, son. You know my digits.

Honest Injun, heeding your cries, I’ve been exercising a moratorium on Heidi and Spencer’s horribly retarded candid (but really posed) shots. However, drastic times call for drastic measures. And I’d like to point you to the two drastic measures above. I’m going to step away from my keyboard now because I never type angry/aroused. *SMASH!* Shiiiit, I just knocked over my cubicle. Geekologist, are you alright? I was editing Heidi photos and- Hey! Eyes up here, bud. Nothing technological going on down there. That’s simply nature. And, okay, plutonium.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt posed for some fake Mother’s Day photos with Heidi’s mom. I almost had a heart attack when I found out it was actually her real mom. Heidi and Spencer did something real?! Why is the room suddenly spinning? Anyway, these photos prove that there’s not a holiday out there these two assclowns won’t ruin with photos that would make Norman Rockwell shit a cactus. That said, I’m looking forward to Heidi and Spencer’s Kwanzaa photos later this year. Should be tasteful, and, God willing, the cause of death on the coroner’s report.