Nicole Kidman gave birth to a little girl on Monday and stuck her with the curious moniker of Sunday Rose. But why? If you’re like me, you haven’t been able to shit thinking up reasons. Yes, that’s how serious I take this job. (Or eat too much cheese.) Anyway, friends of Nicole are saying the baby’s name is a tiny slap across Tom Cruise’s midget face, according to MSNBC:

“Nicole is a Catholic, and Sunday was an important religious day for her until she was involved in Scientology,” said the source. “She’s still bitter about her experience with Scientology and the fact her baby’s name could be perceived as one last jab doesn’t exactly upset her.”

Other names Nicole Kidman considered:

Your Penis is the Size of a Gherkin Elizabeth Kidman Urban
Madison I Hate Your Grinning Buttpirate Face Kidman Urban
Olivia L. Ron Hubbard had a Vagina Taylor Kidman Urban
Katie Holmes He’s Afraid of Raccoons Use Them And Run Bitch Run Kimberly Kidman Urban

Katie Holmes really likes Nicole Kidman and is apparently happy about about her pregnancy. She recently sent Nicole some sweet baby gifts in hopes that, the next time they meet, Nicole won’t throw a boomerang at her face. Those things fucking sting. Star reports:

Katie shipped hubby Tom Cruise’s eight-months-pregnant ex-wife a deluxe gift basket filled with onesies, stuffed toys, a baby blanket and more from Neiman Marcus in Beverly Hills, an insider tells Star.
“Katie wanted the best of everything in the basket,” the insider says. “It cost over $2,000.”

Also included was a letter that read: “Dear Nicole, please enjoy these lovely tokens of my affection and do write back. Maybe even include a description of what intercourse is like because I’ve completely forgotte…” Then there was a bunch of scribbles from the “Free-thinking Wife Suppresso-tron” firing off in Katie’s head. Tom installed it on their honeymoon by simply walking into her ear. So, technically, there marriage was consummated by some form of penetration. I stand corrected.

Dr. Drew Pinsky of VH1’s Celebrity Rehab made the following remarks about Tom Cruise and his passion for Scientology in the latest issue of Playboy. Dr. Drew finds it particularly interesting that the religion/cult rejects psychology:

“A lot of people in the public eye who behave strangely have mental illness we can learn from, and much of it is based on childhood trauma, without a doubt. Take a guy like Tom Cruise. Why would somebody be drawn into a cultish kind of environment like Scientology? To me, that’s a function of a very deep emptiness and suggests serious neglect in childhood - maybe some abuse, but mostly neglect.”

Tom Cruise’s lawyer fired back in Page Six today and basically compared Dr. Drew’s methods to those of the Nazi’s. Wait, I thought Nazi’s hated Jews not Scientologists. Damn you, American education system!:

“This unqualified television performer who is obviously just looking for notoriety is so grotesquely unprofessional as to pretend to diagnose Tom and others without ever meeting them. He seems to be spewing the absurdity that all Scientologists are mentally ill. The last time we heard garbage like this was from Joseph Goebbels.”

If I were Tom Cruise’s lawyer, I would’ve tried a different tact:

“Well, duh, Dr. Drew. Jesus, of course, Tom Cruise is crazy. Real keen analysis there. I anxiously await your thesis: ‘The sky is blue.’ Hold on, Tom Cruise is telling me the sky is actually the color of Thetan tears because they’re caged in a stratsopheric mind warp that makes us all sad. Wow, seriously, Tom? Here’s a cookie. Say, I think I saw a Thetan trapped in the fax machine. Go get ‘em!”

Damn, I should just skip the whole bar association thing and start taking clients. Who wants to be first to get law-gified?

Dr. Drew Pinsky of VH1’s Celebrity Rehab made the following remarks about Tom Cruise and his passion for Scientology in the latest issue of Playboy. Dr. Drew finds it particularly interesting that the religion/cult rejects psychology:

“A lot of people in the public eye who behave strangely have mental illness we can learn from, and much of it is based on childhood trauma, without a doubt. Take a guy like Tom Cruise. Why would somebody be drawn into a cultish kind of environment like Scientology? To me, that’s a function of a very deep emptiness and suggests serious neglect in childhood - maybe some abuse, but mostly neglect.”

Tom Cruise’s lawyer Bert Fields fired back in Page Six today and basically compared Dr. Drew’s methods to those of the Nazi’s. Wait, I thought Nazi’s hated Jews not Scientologists. Damn you, American education system!:

“This unqualified television performer who is obviously just looking for notoriety is so grotesquely unprofessional as to pretend to diagnose Tom and others without ever meeting them. He seems to be spewing the absurdity that all Scientologists are mentally ill. The last time we heard garbage like this was from Joseph Goebbels.”

If I were Tom Cruise’s lawyer, I would’ve tried a different tact:

“Well, duh, Dr. Drew. Jesus, of course, Tom Cruise is crazy. Real keen analysis there. I anxiously await your thesis: ‘The sky is blue.’ Hold on, Tom Cruise is telling me the sky is actually the color of Thetan tears because they’re caged in a stratsopheric mind warp that makes us all sad. Wow, seriously, Tom? Here’s a cookie. Say, I think I saw a Thetan trapped in the fax machine. Go get ‘em!”

Damn, I should just skip the whole bar association thing and start taking clients. Who wants to be first to get law-gified?

UPDATE: Dr. Drew’s rep issued the following bullshit apology: “Although Mr. Fields’s intent is clearly to slander and discredit Dr. Drew, under no circumstances is Dr. Drew making a blanket diagnosis about Scientology nor Mr. Cruise whom he does not know. Dr. Drew was simply using Mr. Cruise as an example of someone who is recognizable to help the public understand. Again, Dr. Drew meant him no harm.”

Tom Cruise (giving us the Klaatu Stare above) and Katie Holmes moved into their new Beverly Hills home over the weekend and threw a little housewarming party. And Oprah came! OMG! Okay, I’m calm, I’m calm. It turns out the party also had an ulterior motive steeped in Scientology. Go figure. Page Six has the details:

One attendee said, “Everyone he’s been having issues with was invited: Sumner Redstone, Steven Spielberg, Oprah Winfrey, you name it. Then there were all the gays, which was hilarious because Scientology ‘cures’ gays . . . There’s a tenet in Scientology that basically says, ‘After you cut people off, you have to invite them back in.’”

Dammit, Tom. Can’t you just have people over to keep up the illusion your marriage isn’t a sham without involving Scientology for once? And while we’re at it, Xenu Pictionary BLOWS! Yup, I went there. But, I’ll admit, the Thetan meatballs are pretty damn tasty. What are they made of again? The homeless? Oh, that’s nice.

These are images of Katie Holmes as she moved to New York City this week to prepare for her role in the Broadway production of All My Sons. And looking into those eyes, I’ve now seen the depths of crazy. Dammit, she used to be hot! Tom Cruise has gone way, way too far. Someone’s gotta do something about this and I’m looking at you, Beckhams. One of you, David, needs to take one for the team while the other, Victoria, spirits Katie to safety. The double meaning of taking “one for the team” goes without saying because it’s butt sex with Tom Cruise.

UPDATE: I just received the following e-mail from Tom Cruise. Presented here in it’s entirety:

Yeah, all that stuff. The team stuff. Make that stuff happen. I’ll pay you in Tom Cruise dollars. When Xenu is defeated in an intergalactic chariot race by yours truly, my money will be worth money! No foolin’.

Heil me!
T.C.

p.s. I’m smiling right now - Tom Cruise style! (That’s T.C. talk for “pants-free.” He he, I’m naughty!)”

My job is so friggin’ weird…

Tom Cruise is in the “risky business” (Swish!) of trying to resell himself as the mega movie star of yore. Today, he launched his new website Tom Cruise.com that includes a special message from Tom. I’m not going to run it here because a.) goddamn thing won’t copy and paste and b.) I fell asleep after the first sentence. The website suspiciously makes no mention of Katie Holmes, Scientology or even little Suri. It’s all about Tom, which makes me think it’s more of a really, really expensive singles ad. In fact, I happen to have a rough draft of Tom’s open letter to his fans that he wrote himself unlike the current letter which was written by some kid who just got beaten with a copy of “Dianetics.” I now present to you, in its entirety, Tom Cruise’s original message to his fans:

Greetings!

Thomas J. Cruise

*Only words spoken by Ben Stiller that me laugh - and I totally stole it. Please, don’t sue!

Apparently Katie Holmes recklessness (She spoke during dinner.) is getting out of hand, so Tom Cruise signed her up for an intense three-day session of Scientology Boot Camp. Star reports:

“It included various tests, confession sessions, tons of reading and physically challenging purification processes,” a Scientology insider reveals. “Tom insists that auditing and purification practices are incredibly beneficial to Scientologists at all levels.”
Katie’s intensive Scientology training and treatments have been accelerated in recent weeks, says another source, because she wanted to go to New York City without Tom to star in a Broadway play. But Tom stepped in and put the kibosh on her plans. And now Katie’s been going in for a series of intensive auditing sessions, some which have lasted for 36 hours straight — with little sleep or food.

Above you can see Katie utilizing the always-cleansing “Xenu scream.” It can only be ended by the insertion of a “Thetan rod.” However, when everyone looked to Tom Cruise to take action, he balked and replied “Eww! With a girl?! GROSS!” Then he jumped on the back of a bee and flew to safety.

Thanks to veggi who’s a drill sergeant at Camp Kickass.

Cher sat down with Oprah Winfrey for a special interview at the Colosseum in Las Vegas where the legendary singer dropped the bomb that she was once getting Top Gun’d by Tom Cruise. The special will air May 8, but People has some details on Cher and Tom’s relationship:

“He was a shy boy. He didn’t have any money. One night we walked into this restaurant in New York and this girl came up, this waitress came up and she took our order and stuff like that and he said, ‘I knew that girl in school and she wouldn’t give me the time of day.’ “
Winfrey’s audience particularly appreciated Cher’s remembrance of the “long date” she spent with Cruise – “I lived in his apartment,” she tells Winfrey – which elicited cheers from the crowd.

Sometimes to pull off a joke I have to admit embarrassing facts about myself. In this case, that I have seen episodes of Will & Grace*. But, did anyone see the one where Jack was obsessed with Cher? I rest my case.

*Just so no one doubts I’m all man, during the episode I hunted a deer while competing in a NASCAR race. But that stupid helmet totally ruined my cucumber face mask.

Nicole Kidman’s two children that she adopted with Tom Cruise, Isabella and Connor, are apparently balls deep in Scientology. Nicole, who’s Catholic, has had enough and wants her kids pulled out of the church that L. Ron built. And by built I mean made up. Page Six reports:

At the New York premiere of Ian Halperin’s film, “His Highness Hollywood,” a Scientology insider told Halperin that Kidman “wants her kids out of the church.” Halperin beat up on the faith in his book, “Hollywood Undercover,” and said he wasn’t surprised when, during the premiere, “the projector had been sabotaged.”

Nicole Kidman would rather have the kids follow a more realistic religion like Catholicism. You know, the one where a dude in a pointy hat tells people want to do from a balcony in Italy. But at least with Catholicism they don’t brainwash you to give up ridiculous amounts of cash. They just guilt you into it. Huge difference.*

*Want to know what’s in my coffee this morning? Controversy! … And, okay, marshmallows.

Katie Holmes wants to move to New York City with Suri - but not Tom. She’s been offered a role in the Broadway revival of All My Sons and doesn’t want Tom ass-raping her theater career like he did with her film career. Star reports:

“She desperately needs to be on her own for a while, but there’s no way Tom is going to let her take Suri away,” an insider tells Star. “There’s no way he’ll allow it. He just doesn’t want Katie — or Suri — out of his sight for long. He told her that if she goes to New York, fine, but he goes with her.”
Further, the couple’s tug of war over their daughter has intensified as of late.
“Tom wants to call all the shots when it comes to Suri,” says an insider. “He has a lot of rules, and there’s conflict.”

The Superficial has obtained some of Tom’s rules for Suri. Many Bothans died bringing us this information. God, they suck at espionage…:

1. Hugs require an E-meter reading of Clear. After that it’s $1,000 for a hug and an additional $500 for a “How’s daddy little girl?” An “I love you” is $750. No personal checks.

2. When Uncle John calls, tell him Daddy is in the shower watching Battlefield Earth. Promptly let him in upon his arrival. He’ll be in a hurry.

3. Please stay within 100 yards of Daddy. Otherwise the bomb I inserted at birth will go off. Because he hearts his little L. Ron clone-princess! Smooches!

Actor Jason Beghe (CSI, Cane) was a high-ranking member in the Church of Scientology. He’s since left the church and decided to fire his proton torpedoes at the followers of L. Ron Hubbard. Jason has launched a scathing teaser interview (video after the jump) that promises a full-length interview exposing the inner-workings of Scientology. Here’s a rundown from Page Six:

“It’s very, very dangerous for your spiritual, psychological, mental, emotional health and evolution. I think it stunts your evolution. If Scientology is real, then something’s [bleeped] up . . . It ain’t delivering what it’s promised. It sure has not. The further up the bridge, the worse you get . . . I don’t have an agenda. I’m just trying to help. I have the luxury of having gotten into Scientology and after having been in it, been out. And that’s a perspective that people who are still in and not out do not have.”

But don’t think Tom Cruise is going to take this lying down. No, sir. He’ll do whatever it takes to defend L. Ron’s good name. Even if it means dressing up like a woman and getting hit repeatedly in the face with a roast beef sandwich, Tom’ll do it. Now where are his lucky stilettos? KATIE!

Katie Holmes has successfully completed Phase 2 of Operation: Creepily Look like My Husband. Maybe Tom Cruise will have sex with his wife now that she’s practically a taller version of himse- no, wait. Her vagina. Shit. Nevermind…

I don’t really follow politics after I lost the election in ‘04. Or at least my evil twin did. Anyway, a bunch of readers sent me this video which is a play on the Hillary Clinton 3 A.M. phone call ads by way of Rain Man. Apparently she’s talking to Tom Cruise and these two are getting freak-kay. This video is pretty NSFW because of the potty talk and Tom Cruise’s detailing of the things he’ll do to Hillary that would make David Beckham kick a soccer ball over the moon in a fit of joy.

Thanks to boombawx who I would totally hold over my head outside my true love’s window - but mostly to blare Quiet Riot until she gives me back my Gameboy.

Katie Holmes could really, seriously, for real this time possibly be pregnant again. The cover story for OK! Magazine claims she put on 10 pounds and her appearance at two red carpet events has people talking. And by people I mean the editors at OK! who are dedicated to saying Katie is pregnant every 2-3 months:

But when the slender star showed up wearing loose-fitting dresses at both the Costume Designers Guild Awards and the Essence Black Women in Hollywood Awards that seemed to reveal the hint of a bump to spectators, the question on everyone’s lips was: Could Katie have a baby on board?
“She has that special glow that only pregnant women have,” an eyewitness tells OK!. “I would say there is a strong possibility that she’s pregnant.”

Before I destroy the pregnancy rumors like the Bruce Lee of Gossip that I am, why is Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise at the Essence Black Women in Hollywood Awards? They’re neither black nor women. Moving on. First, if Katie was pregnant she wouldn’t have that special glow. She’d have the bewildered look of someone who just got inseminated by a turkey baster because her husband cries at the sight of vaginas. As for the extra 10 pounds, hello, she’s got a midget strapped to her waist. Okay, technically it’s Tom Cruise, but now you’re just splitting hairs.

Tom Cruise is receiving a new Ducati Desmosedici RR motorcycle this week. Tom is receiving the very first model of the only 1,500 made. The cycle cost $72,500 and can reach speeds of 200 mph, according to NY Daily News:

Cruise, whose net worth is upwards of $250 million, is known to have an affinity for fast vehicles, including motorcycles, Porsches and planes. Some estimate the actor spent $1 million in 2006 on fuel alone.

A million smackers on gas? Jesus. Somewhere Al Gore is reading this with eco-friendly steam coming out his ears. He’s probably wishing he didn’t make that promise to Gary Coleman to never kick a midget again. But he never said anything about face punching…

An impostor claiming to be Heath Ledger’s father Kim Ledger (above) was receiving emotional support over the phone from Tom Cruise. The con man also attempted to milk John Travolta for plane tickets to New York and had the funeral home where Heath’s body was being kept book him rooms at the Carlyle Hotel, according to the New York Post:

Over the next few days, he “had had a couple of conversations with” Cruise, asking for emotional support, said the source. But Cruise abruptly cut him off when he learned “he was an impostor,” the source said. “Heath’s reps found out there was this hoaxer and they called various celebs.” Sources close to Cruise confirmed the impostor contacted him.

This dude is definitely a sick son of a bitch, but I wonder why he picked Tom Cruise and John Travolta. According to the videos I watched on YouTube before the users got their pants sued off, Scientologists are the bee’s knees at picking out liars. And here I was just about to believe that aliens in B-52’s created life on Earth. But now, not so much. For shame Tom Cruise and John Travolta. For shame.

The leaked Scientology recruitment videos starring Tom Cruise have apparently been a good thing for the followers of Xenu, according to Page Six:

“Having presented these selective and out-of-context excerpts with the intent of creating both controversy and ridicule resulted in people searching for Church of Scientology Web sites,” a rep for the faith told Page Six. Scientology turned up on the “most searched for” lists of various search engines.

Sorry, everyone, my bad. I was in one of those alien porn moods all last week and figured if anyone had some good links it’d be Scientologists. They, uh, actually had some freaky videos. Way freakier than what I was looking for. I won’t really get into it but I’ll never look at E.T. the same way again. Or Hot Pockets. *shudders*

Ben Stiller and other celebrities are defending Tom Cruise after several Scientology videos were leaked last week and an unauthorized autobiography about Tom was released. People reports:

“Imagine having a baby and people talking about it the way they did,” says Stiller. “People lose sight of the fact that Tom Cruise is actually a person. I feel for him.”

Ben Stiller has a point. I mean, Tom Cruise is a person. Who’s really an alien - trapped inside a person. That can talk to other aliens inside other persons. It all makes sense when you think about it and are really, really high.

NOTE: I reposted the FunnyOrDie spoof because, well, it’s freaking hilarious. I still can’t get over it’s Jerry O’Connell. I thought he was just a myth.

Jerry O’Connell and the guys at FunnyOrDie.com spoof the Tom Cruise Scientology videos that hit the web last week. I don’t know what’s more surprising: The hilarious spot-on impression or Jerry O’Connell starring in something I’d openly recommend to people.