It’s no secret Joe Simpson loves money almost as much as his daughter’s breasts. He’ll do whatever it takes to get his hands on it. He let Pete Wentz shotgun wed Ashlee, and now he’s pressuring Tony Romo into proposing to Jessica. Of course, if Tony’s not ready for that commitment, Joe’s a generous guy and will settle for managing Tony’s contract with the Cowboys. I mean, it’s only worth $67 mil. Pfft. Pocket change. Us Weekly reports on Joe’s shenigans:

A source tells Us Joe asked Romo, 28, to drop his agent so he could take over his NFL career and $67.5 million contract.
He even offered to broker a deal to sell his engagement and wedding to a magazine should Romo and Jessica, 27, get engaged. “‘If you guys have a marriage, I can do the same [sell it] that I did with Ashlee,’” a source quotes him as saying.

Joe Simpson must walk around his house squeezing his daughters’ mammaries while saying “Cha-ching.” Actually, I know he does. Wanna know how I know? Joe sold me the exclusive story for ten bucks and a pic of Christina Aguilera’s cleavage. I gotta admit: the man can bargain. My initial offer was a half-eaten donut and a lingerie ad from today’s paper. That’s when he pulled a gun.

NOTE: Why is Tony Romo hiding his face in every single shot? Oh, wait, he’s had sex with Jessica Simpson. Never mind!

Well, it’s official: Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz tied the knot. I didn’t really think this counted as news until I found out Jessica Simpson was involved AND brought Tony Romo as her date despite reports he banged half of Chicago. Now that’s love. Anyway, People has the nuptial details complete with baby rumors:

Simpson, 23, wore an ivory lace wedding gown by Monique Lhuillier and jewels by William Noble as she and Wentz, 28, exchanged vows in front of 150 guests at her parents’ Los Angeles area home.
Dad Joe Simpson performed the non-denominational ceremony, while sister Jessica served as maid of honor. Wentz’s English bulldog, Hemingway, was the ring-bearer. Guests included Jessica’s boyfriend, Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden, as well as actor Donald Faison with girlfriend CaCee Cobb.
Simpson, who sources say is pregnant with the couple’s first child, and Wentz, the bassist for Fall Out Boy, have been linked since the fall of 2006, when they were spotted kissing at a New York nightclub. They announced their engagement last month.

Being the selfless, loving father that he is, Joe Simpson sold the photo rights to Ashlee and Pete’s wedding, so, since we can’t see any yet, I included shots that’ll help us pretend we’re there - which I’m totally doing. Yup, I can see it now: The happy couple are exchanging hand-written vows at the altar while I sit quietly in my pew ogling Jessica Simpson’s breasts. And, aww, Tony Romo saw me and is getting ready to Hail Mary the ring bearer at my face. *sniff* I love weddings.

EDIT: Added pics of Tony and Jessica arriving together. Is it me or is she burping in these photos? God, she’s perfect…

Tony Romo went buck wild this weekend in Chicago and reports are coming in that he decided to get plastered and break up with Jessica Simpson - without telling her. These Boots are Made For Stalking broke the story after one of Tony’s friends informed them the Dallas quarterback was all over the ladies. The Superficial received an e-mail from an anonymous source that jives with Tony’s buddies tales and offers some more dirt on his night out. Here’s the exclusive details:

Tony Romo was in town, and he was bar hopping with some buddies of his from Chicago. He had the nerve to put Jessica on speakerphone and talk about their sex life with all his guys listening and laughing at her. Not only is this girl dumb, but she is completely self conscious about her bedroom skills. After a few too many drinks, he told everyone he and Jessica are over. They are taking a “break.” He could never see himself being serious and marrying this girl. He’s just having fun with her. It’s funny everyone is talking about them getting married when they are completely over. Sorry Jessica, Tony had his fun with you, and now is on to bigger and better things.

Not to be content with just one exclusive, here’s my exclusive letter to Jessica Simpson where I try to touch her exclusive boobs:

Dear Sweet Jessica,

I, too, suck in the sack. I mean, I’m freaking terrible. I’ve got references if you need them, so call me up and we’ll get down with some mediocre rebounding.
My number is 1-800-I-SWEAR-THIS-NEVER-HAPPENED-BEFORE.
Oh, and also, I’m really good at not making eye contact during conversations, so we’re practically a match made in heaven!

Your Knight in Sort of Shiny Armor But Really Just His Boxers,

The Superficial Writer

Jessica Simpson was rushed to hospital at the end of March for what her reps claimed was a kidney infection. Turns out her problems were located more in the liver region. Because she was freaking housed! On top of that Jessica thought she was pregnant from all the drunk sex. … I love you. Star reports:

Jessica’s health problems were “brought on by drinking an obscene amount of alcohol,” says the source. “She was treated for a kidney infection, a bladder infection and a urinary tract infection.”
Adding to her distress, anxious Jessica asked doctors to give her a pregnancy test! “She was a nervous wreck,” says the insider. “She was three weeks late and convinced she was pregnant. She was feeling really weak and really scared. She was unraveling.”

Turns out Tony Romo might be the source of her troubles. Personally, I think he’s trying to drink her to death for keeping him out of the Super Bowl. Or maybe just wants to touch a boob. I’m not a freaking doctor:

“She used to keep her drinks to a minimum, because she’s very conscientious about the calories,” says a source. “But Tony and his buddies really party hard, and I think they expect Jessica to keep up with them. But she is like a third of their weight and just can’t hold as much as they can.”

For those of you who don’t know how alcohol absorption works it’s based heavily on your body weight. So somebody super skinny like, let’s say, Victoria Beckham would get soused with just a thimble of wine. Whereas someone like, oh I dunno, Kim Kardashian could chug an entire keg and be fully functional. Shit, I’d even let her drive my car - blindfolded.

Dallas Cowboy’s quarterback and Jessica Simpson’s current boyfriend Tony Romo got to spend the evening with her exes last night. Tony was recognized at Cosmopolitan’s Fun Fearless Male of the Year awards - along with John Mayer and Dane Cook. That’s awkward with a side of douche. Here’s what Tony remarked to E! News:

“I guess you date Jessica Simpson, that makes you fearless,” quipped the quarterback.

Yeah, because it’s really fearless to follow up Dane Cook and John Mayer. C’mon, Tony Romo, you could’ve been an axe murderer and looked like Prince Charming. Actually, that was more of a suggestion and not a joke. Here’s an axe. Start with Dane Cook. Tell him you saw a pair of flair jeans in the alley and it’ll be like shooting fish in a barrel. But with an axe.

Jessica Simpson’s attorneys are going after OK! Magazine. The latest issue claims Tony Romo kicked Jessica to the curb after losing the playoffs. The article also says Ashlee Simpson is trying to distance herself from Jessica. Both of these claims are false, according to TMZ:

Simpson’s lawyers have sent a letter to OK!’s Editor-in-Chief, Sarah Ivens, claiming OK!’s article is bogus, adding that Jess and Tony are still together and that Ashlee and Jessica remain close. The attorneys say the article reflects a “smear campaign” and has subjected Simpson to “public contempt, ridicule, aversion or disgrace.”
The lawyers want OK! to “immediately publish a prominent and unambiguous” retraction.

I’m suing OK! Magazine too. I thought Jessica Simpson was single and mine for the taking. I even bought a bunch of Mexican Viagra and the always romantic box of wine. Of course, I kind of drank all the wine last night then took the Viagra. I’ve been knocking stuff off my co-workers’ desks all morning. Hey, Larry, you filing those papers? *swings around* Ha ha, not anymore! I should get a raise for this.

Tony Romo apparently believes the rumors that Jessica Simpson distracted him and decided the two should “just be friends,” according to NY Daily News:

A few days after the Giants bounced the Cowboys from the playoffs, Romo called the “Dukes of Hazzard” star to tell her their romance was over.
“He said he thought it was better if they went back to being friends,” a pal of hers said.

Poor Jessica Simpson. I guess she’s on the rebound and is probably through with professional athletes. Well, she’s in luck. I’m also single and don’t professionally play any sports. Though I am a champion at Nude Photo Hunt at the bar. And by champion I mean I drunkenly make out with the machine until the bouncer hits me with a cue stick. It’s sort of my calling in life and, as long as Jessica respects that, I can see a future for us.

Keeping with the latest trend of celebrities blogging and/or procreating, John Mayer went the blogging route (intercourse wasn’t even an option) and defended Jessica Simpson who’s not a favorite in Dallas right now after the Cowboys lost the playoffs:

Dear Dallas and Surrounding Areas,

This isn’t a sports blog, and it isn’t a publicity stunt. (but have at me if it feels right.)
This is about doing what I think is right as a person, in this case speaking my mind.
I have never known anyone to have more pride in their home state and their upbringing in it than Jessica Simpson has in Texas. I don’t really follow sports, but I have played some of my biggest and best concerts in your state, and having witnessed how dynamic the spirit there is, I’m betting emotions are running high right about now.
All witty barbs, blogs, and fashion policing aside, that girl loves Texas more than you know. It’s one of her most defining traits as a person. So please don’t try and take that away from her. (You probably wouldn’t be able to, but it’s less work for all involved.)
I just thought it would mean something coming from the guy who has the absolute least to gain from this. And if I’m out of line in having written it, too bad. I can spare a Wednesday’s worth of bad press if it means sticking up for a good soul.

JM

Actually John Mayer has everything to gain. The guy was caught hitting on Ricki Lake who then publicly dissed his game with the ladies. So, really, John Mayer has nowhere to go but up. I heard a girl said “Hi” to him on the street the other day. John Mayer ran home with tears of joys in his eyes and called his sister. When he told her the good news, she said, “Johnny, I know. I was the one who said ‘Hi’ remember? You spent 30 minutes yelling at me to stop covering my face with a stray cat. Wait, how’d you get this number?”

When Tony Romo and the Dallas Cowboys lost on Sunday, fans blamed Tony’s trip to Mexico with girlfriend Jessica Simpson. Apparently nobody would’ve known about the trip, but somebody tipped off photographers who scored shots of Tony poolside in Cabo with Jessica. Her dad Joe Simpson might be the one to blame, according to NY Daily News:

“Joe is well-known for his deals with the paparazzi, where the family gets a cut from the sales of the photographs,” says an insider.

That Joe Simpson cracks me up. But, seriously, what did you do with the bikini pics of Jessica in Cabo, Joe? I know you have them. They belong in a museum. What do you mean my bedroom’s not a museum? I wrote “Hall of Boobies” on the wall in permanent marker. Permanent, Joe. Yeah, I thought you’d see things my way. Is that a jetpack? Wait, NO! Crafty sonofa- I’ll get you next time, Simpson. Next time.

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is catching a lot of heat for his trip to Mexico with Jessica Simpson. The Cowboys lost to the New York Giants in the division playoffs and fans are blaming Tony’s bye-week get-away, according to the Dallas Morning News:

A lot of people thought Tony Romo made a mistake by taking off for Mexico with Jessica Simpson on the club’s off weekend. He had a chance to prove them wrong by delivering a typical Pro Bowl Romo performance Sunday.
It didn’t happen.

I’m sure you can probably get away with anything right now in Dallas by blaming Jessica Simpson. You could rob a bank and when the cops catch you outside you just sort of shrug and say “Jessica Simpson made me do it.” Then everybody has a big laugh and some of the SWAT team guys ask if you want to go grab a beer. “Not so fast,” says the mayor. “First, this man- no, hero deserves the keys to the cities.”

Dallas Cowboy Terrell Owens had some words for Jessica Simpson yesterday. Dallas fans believe Jessica distracted her new boyfriend quarterback Tony Romo causing the Cowboys to lose to the Philadelphia Eagles. The Associated Press reports:

Asked Wednesday about the Simpson scenario, Owens playfully chimed in: “Right now, Jessica Simpson is not a fan favorite — in this locker room or in Texas Stadium.”

Tony Romo’s previous worst game happened a year ago when then-girlfriend Carrie Underwood was in the stands:

“With everything that has happened, obviously the way Tony played and the comparison between her and Carrie Underwood, I think a lot of people feel like she’s kind of taken his focus away,” Owens said, echoing the chatter on sports-talk radio and blogs. “Other than that, she was hot on my list until last week.

I think it’s cute Jessica Simpson got to see a real live football game. Of course the people next to her probably didn’t share my sentiment. She kept pressing her chest against the glass of her box seats and screaming “Hey, Tony! Are you the blue ones? I forgot already!” But I don’t see how that’d be distracting. In fact, that’s how I prefer to play football. If only the NFL weren’t frighten, yet silently aroused, by my natural talent on the field. I’m like Joe Namath but sexier and on Mexican steroids. Sexy Mexican steroids.