A topless Dita Von Teese appears in the December issue of Playboy Germany and, sonofabitch, that’s it. I’m moving to Germany. I thought this country was kickass, but when we can’t even get Dita Von Teese to pose in our Playboy, it’s time to pack it in and start selling states to Canada. I’m not even joking. Which is why I’d like to announce the launch of my new site: Das Oberflächliche.com!

Sieg Heil, bitches.

NOTE: Pics to link NSFW versions which give new meaning to the scientific term “nipples the size of dinner plates.”

Gisele Bundchen and her longtime photographer Nino Munoz shot the following set of pics for American Photo’s 30th Anniversary Issue. Amidst all the hotness, the final shot is a non-airbrushed pic of Gisele without make-up on which I thought was a little unnecessary. That’s like eating an unbelievable steak dinner at a top restaurant, and just as you’re enjoying dessert, the maitre d’ shows you the dead cow they carved your meal from. You know what? Bad analogy. Now I want ribs.

Britney Spears donated the above painting to The Promises Foundation which provides “behavioral health services to low-income women and their children.” The portrait was for sale on eBay with a starting bid of $10,000, but the auction page has been inexplicably pulled. At any rate, the painting was on display in Britney’s parent’s house because who doesn’t love a topless portrait of their daughter hanging around? You know, besides the South.

Cindy Crawford continues her vacation in France with husband Rande Gerber and special guest George Clooney. This time she’s partaking in some topless sunbathing and gravity has been ridiculously kind to Cindy. The last pair of 42-year-old breasts I saw belonged to The Geekologie Writer’s mom. She tripped on them on her way to the bed. True story.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW version that will make you cry if you’re a middle-aged woman, Richard Gere or all of the above.

Nereida Gallardo continues her epic quest to spend 90% of the summer totally topless in order to piss off ex-boyfriend Cristiano Ronaldo. I wish my exes flashed their boobs to get back at me. Boy, would I learn my lesson.

UPDATE: Did it work? Shit…

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions unless you work in a factory that builds topless Spanish models with augmented breasts. In which case, are you hiring?

Eva Mendes is more than just the face for the new Calvin Klein Secret Obsession campaign. She’s also the bush, boobs and nipples. Just scope out the NSFW version of the photo above along with the even more NSFW commercial after the jump. The spot is already banned from US television because, holy crap, it’s Eva Mendes totally freaking topless. Although, with our economy in its current state, you figure the FCC would want to encourage consumers to buy shit, but what do I know? I’m just a simple man who can bend steel in his bare hands. At any rate, here’s looking forward to her next campaign: Eva Mendes’ Clitoris for Michelin tires.

Thanks to everyone who wrote in on this one. You’re all on my Christmas list!

Eva Mendes is more than just the face for the new Calvin Klein Secret Obsession campaign. She’s also the bush, boobs and nipples. Just scope out the NSFW version of the photo above along with the even more NSFW commercial after the jump. The spot is already banned from US television because, holy crap, it’s Eva Mendes totally freaking topless. Although, with our economy in its current state, you figure the FCC would want to encourage consumers to buy shit, but what do I know? I’m just a simple man who can bend steel in his bare hands. At any rate, here’s looking forward to her next campaign: Eva Mendes’ Clitoris for Michelin tires.

Thanks to everyone who wrote in on this one. You’re all on my Christmas list!

These are shots of Spanish model Nereida Gallardo topless in Ibiza. You may remember Nereida from the bikini shots a few weeks back when she was vacationing with soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo - who just dumped her on her ass. Some say she’s prancing around topless to show him what he’s missing. While others say she’s just demonstrating Europeans less puritanical view of nudity. Allow me to provide my educated assessment: Whoopee!

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions. But, seriously, who needs a job when you can look at nipples? Words to live by, folks.

Here’s musician James Blunt and Gary Dourdan (CSI) in Spain doing exactly what I’d be doing if I had cash pouring out my nostrils: Partying on a boat with topless chicks. Of course, I’d take it one step further by installing a torpedo launcher that I’d fire at dolphins, the smug bastards of the sea. Who’s the smart one now, fin ass?! Fire one! …. Where’s the “boom”? What do you mean I can’t load the tube with hand guns and steak knives?

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW unless you run a travel agency that specializes in exciting nipple-loaded destinations. In which case, what’s your most affordable package? I’ve got roughly $5.30 and these magic beans. Okay, they’re Raisinets.

These are the much ballyhooed photos of Sienna Miller hanging out topless in Portofino, Italy with married actor Balthazar Getty of ABC’s Brothers and Sisters. The dude has been denying in the press that he’s involved with Sienna, but just in case, his wife is flying to Italy to sort things out, according to NY Daily News. I hope she likes nipples.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions that, for some reason, make me see Gilligan’s Island in a whole new light.

Kate Moss wanted to get an even tan while boating in Italy and decided to unleash her crazy pointy nipples. Though I guess those things could come in handy at sea. She could always spear some sea bass or scrape barnacles off the hull. Nautical stuff. No, wait, Kate, don’t bend ove - D’oh! ABANDON SHIP! ABANDON SHIP! Who invited her again? Awesome, here’s an oar. Keep her away from the lifeboats. Peace!

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of Kate’s dagger nipples. Watch your eyes.

These are topless photos of Maria Beatriz Anthony (a.k.a. Bia) sunbathing while on vacation with soccer star Ronaldo. (Not to be confused with Cristiano Ronaldo who’s nailing Nereida Gallardo. God, I hate soccer…) Anyway, Maria is pregnant with Ronaldo’s child, but according to The Spoiler, she dumped him because he was fooling around with transvestites. Yet he still gets to see some boob. Unbelievable. I remember one time I left the toilet seat, and you know what I got? A memo saying to stay out of the Ladies Room. Where’s the justice?!

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions of Bia’s nipples that will pierce your heart. And I’m not being metaphorical, those fuckers are sharp.

Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr and boyfriend Orlando Bloom hit up Gran Canaria, Spain for some topless action. I love how she’s using a book to cover her fun parts. When I’m nude it requires the whole Encyclopedia Brittanica to cover my business. You know, once it loaded onto an iPod. I should really turn the AC down in my apartment. Yeah, that’s gotta be it…

NOTE: Pics link to uncensored NSFW versions which include a Miranda Kerr nipple and, for the ladies/Geekologist, an entire Orlando Bloom buttocks. Who loves ya?

Anyone get the feeling Gisele Bundchen is suggesting something directly to me, The Superficial Writer? It’s either something really awesome like Naked Battleship, or she needs a chiropractor. Who knows? But I better stare at these photos from the latest issue of GQ for a few more hours/days to be sure. In the meantime, scope out this excerpt from Gisele’s interview:

Forbes has reported that you made $35 million last year, more than twice as much as any other model in the world.
Do you think that’s important to me? Look, this is my job. I take pictures. There is no big deal. I would like to know who this reporter is finding out all of these amounts. And I would like him to talk to my accountant and figure out where is the cash that’s missing. Because I haven’t seen it.

Did I also mention Gisele has the world’s shittiest accountant and loves being robbed blind? Finally, a woman with money falling out of her vagina! And they all laughed at me. “That’s just some crazy sketch you made in the men’s room,” they said. Ha! Who’s laughing now? (Not counting Tom Brady whose about to suffer a horrible canoe accident. Anyone got a torpedo I can borrow?)

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions.

Keanu Reeves was spotted hanging out on the French Riviera with an unknown topless woman yesterday which forced top scientists to conclude that “Yes, that crazy ass Matrix shit is for real.”

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions that will make you wonder why Point Break isn’t considered biblical canon. Patch me through to the Pope.

After some heavy topics involving Jesus, gay people drinking and comas as self-improvement, I felt it’s time for some lighter fare. These are shots of Lindsay Lohan: the face of the 2008 UK Visa Swap which apparently involves charitable Europeans swapping used clothes. I dunno. But what I do know, is that I’m definitely feeling my “credit score” rising. Aww yeah. But, seriously, I’ve found David Bach’s DOLP system to be practical and effective for improving your credit. I’ll tell you all about it if someone can put a freaking shirt on Chesty LaRue up there. For the love of - this is a family site!

Katie Price decided to do a little topless sunbathing while vacationing in Cairns. And, oh man, wait until you guys see what’s under those stars. Wow! You won’t believe it.*

NOTE: All pics are seriously, seriously NSFW. And also NSFC, NSFHE, and, also, NSFMW**.

*The Superficial Writer is not responsible for any crying, eye gouging or damage from heroic feats of masturbation in the face of adversity. And by adversity I mean those really wicked implant scars. *HORF A NORF*

**C = children, HE = human eyes, MW = my wang. Ha ha = I love asterisks!

The latest issue of Vogue Germany features a totally topless Claudia Schiffer. This picture would be unbelievably hot except her nipples appear to be airbrushed out. Unless she suffers from a rare disease where they’re invisible. In which case, Claudia, my sincere apologies. I know what it’s like to have transparent body parts. Right, invisi-penis?*

Thanks to James, who is totally straight despite the best efforts of this 100% insane PS3 ad.

*The Superficial Writer’s penis is, actually, very transparent. Particularly after that Gamma Ray accident when he got really drunk and tried to take a whiz on Bruce Banner. Damn you science!

British singer Lily Allen kicked it “Breasts in the Wind” style while vacationing in Cap d’Antibes, France. I’ll assume “d’Antibes” is French talk for “Nipple Fountain on the side of a freaking cliff.” For those of you who don’t know who Lily Allen is, allow me to fill you in on the relevant info: She’s the topless chick in the photos I just posted.

NOTE: These pics are 100% NSFW and an excellent source of boob-tassium, I might add.

These are come crazy ass topless pics of Eva Mendes in the latest issue of Vogue Italia. All I know is, I’m moving to Italy and stocking my house full of Eva Mendes’ Boobs/Drink Trays. Where do I pick something like that up? Pier 1? Or this more of an IKEA item? I get most of my furniture from the junk yard. People laughed when I made a bed out of old washing machines. But who’s laughing now? Me! And not just because of the tetanus.

Thanks to Selene who doubles as a sexy armoire.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW versions that, even uncensored, are some bizarro shit.