Britney Spears, who sweeped the VMAs with her video for “Piece of Me,” doesn’t even think it’s a good video. I mean, she made the thing while she thought she was a British nanny which proves those fat cats at MTV “bailed out” Britney. See what I did there? I’m poignant. Star reports:

“It’s a cool video, but I think by far I’ve done videos that are way better, so I was really shocked that it got the award. It was just inspiring, though, because now, going forward with the videos that I’m doing now, I can really go there and do something crazy and see what happens.”
She added that she’d be eating New York pizza before she leaves town — and not just one slice. “I eat what I want,” the workout fanatic said.

In related news, Britney Spears was severely burnt this afternoon when she attempted to dump the contents of an entire pizza oven in her mouth. First responders believe a Stromboli is the culprit but hesitated to speculate further until a forensics team arrives. In the meantime, Britney’s people say she dove out of the ambulance when it passed a Domino’s and request anyone who sees the pop star to contact law enforcement. She’s wearing a black- and red-striped shirt with a calzone seared into the collar.

British comedian Russell Brand has been asked to host the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards after giving the network a 20% ratings bump over last year’s show. However, he’s reluctant to accept after MTV censored some of his jokes aimed at Republican presidential candidate John McCain. Russell sat down with The Sun to talk about his experience:

On the gravity of hosting the VMAs:
“The VMAs are the hardest thing I have ever done and I will think very carefully before accepting their kind offer of doing it again. I spent a lot of time suppressing the urge to scream a career- ending remark during the show. The knowledge that you could say something that would make the world go nuts was difficult.”

On being censored:
But incredibly the script we heard was the clean version after MTV insisted he scrap some of his bravest gags. He revealed: “I had JOHN McCAIN gags pulled. And they asked me to tone down the gags about SARAH PALIN.”

On what he couldn’t say about Sarah Palin:
“I wanted to say she was forcing her teenage daughter to have a baby because she is so anti-abortion. But also, as a Republican, she is pro-execution so she is going to give her the electric chair for being a little sl*t. They weren’t keen on that one.”

Somewhere Bill O’Reilly just fell in love with MTV. Unfortunately, he can’t do anything with that love until Rush Limbaugh gets back with the Mexican Viagra. Life’s a bitch sometimes.

In my haste to pretend the VMAs never happened (Which they didn’t, and I’ll fight to the death anyone who says otherwise.), I somehow managed to completely miss Christina Aguilera displaying her ginormous rack. The Superficial regrets its error and wants to assure our readers we’re dedicated to high-quality boob-related journalism. Now that that’s over with, awwww yeah! Someone call Bob Woodward at the Post. He just got served!

I spoke too soon. Paris Hilton (Yes, the Gaping Canyon of Herp herself) came to the rescue of the chaste Jonas Brothers after they were ridiculed by VMA host Russell Brand, US Magazine reports:

“I don’t pick on them,” Hilton told Usmagazine.com after Brand’s remarks. “That’s something cool for a kid to keep, so don’t pick on them for that.”
“I think that they’re all really good kids and that they’re definitely our next generation of kids and they’re all really good so I think that’s awesome,” Hilton added.

You know what’s a good thing to do when Paris Hilton embraces your cause? Drown yourself in the tub. Which is convenient considering these kids still bathe together. Though I hear one more fight over Rubber Ducky Moses and it’s separate bath times for three little Jonas boys. Aw, mom…

Ashlee Simpson is reportedly carrying twins, according to E! Online:

Hip-hop artist Tyga, Pete’s buddy, says that the parents-to-be are expecting not one but two bundles of joy.
“They’re having twins,” Tyga said in an exclusive interview yesterday at the House of Hype’s pre-VMA barbecue. “They’re really happy.”

Ah, twins. Nature’s magical “fuck you.” Except this time it’s directed at all of us because Pete Wentz just goddamn multiplied. At least we can take comfort knowing that, when evil strikes, the Wentz-Simpson family will join together to form Chin-tron: Defender of the Universe if You Count Perpetually Smiling Like a Douche as a Means of Defense.

If it wasn’t bad enough that MTV rigged the VMAs to salvage Britney Spears’ careers, the network also watered down the show by including sugary sweet performances from Miley Cyrus and the Jonas Brothers. The latter are sons of a preacher and apparently wear purity rings as a symbol of their virginity. This, of course, caught the attention of host comedian Russell Brand. Who? You got me. The AP reports:

Brand clearly angered some in attendance when he repeatedly joked about the Jonas Brothers, the sons of a pastor, all of whom wear purity rings as a symbol of their vow not to have premarital sex. At one point, Brand brandished one as if he had won it from a Jonas brother.
“American Idol” champ Jordin Sparks defended them: “I just wanna say, it’s not bad to wear a promise ring because not every guy and a girl wants to be a slut, OK?”
Brand responded by apologizing, before slyly offending again by alluding to R. Kelly in an unprintable joke (like many of his).
Perhaps summing up his perspective, he explained, “A bit of sex occasionally never hurt anybody.”

“A bit of sex occasionally never hurt anybody.” Oh, I see what’s going on here. Russell Brand is actually Jesus. Ha! Good one.

Hey, remember when Britney Spears’ manager Larry Rudolph said she’d be doing something “fun and unexpected” to open the MTV Video Music Awards? That dude lied! After a prerecorded skit with Superbad star Jonah Hill, Britney took the stage at last night’s VMAs, said four sentences and called it a day. No joke. Here’s what came out of her mouth:

“Thank you so much. Thank you for all the love. I’m here tonight to celebrate a very important birthday, the 25th anniversary of the VMAs. This is the 2008 MTV Video Music Awards and it starts right now.”

Seriously, I’ve eaten Pop Tarts that’ve made me feel more alive. On top of her anti-climactic opening, MTV also took it upon themselves to see that Britney Spears won three awards including Video of the Year which I get it: They don’t want her to go home and kill herself. Then again, that’s a whole lot of ass kissing for someone who basically firebombed last year’s show in an explosive jiggle of flab and sequins. Nice message to send to the kids, MTV. I can’t wait to see Miley Cyrus walk out of KFC with a bucket of chicken and Adnan Ghalib. Actually, I do want to see that just to hear the entire south have a collective aneurysm.

Video after the jump.

EDIT: Added photos from the VMAs press room.

Christina Aguilera has been confirmed as a performer for the MTV Video Music Awards on Sunday. This will be her first major performance since giving birth to baby Max Liron, according to OK! Magazine:

“I’m very excited,” said Christina about the news, which was announced at a press conference at Paramount Studios in L.A. Refering to her 8-month-old son Max Liron, Xtina said, “This will be his first time watching me perform on television, but only for a little while because he’s not really allowed to watch television yet. I’ll make an exception for the VMAs.”

Britney Spears is opening the VMAs and, word has it, MTV tried to keep Christina Aguilera’s appearance a secret from her to prevent reigniting their long-dead feud. Then again, it wouldn’t be much of a fight considering Christina hasn’t been deemed legally retarded by the state of California, and Britney ate a bowl of wax fruit yesterday. True story.

Thanks to my incredible ability to repress memories by way of binge drinking, I had almost completely forgotten about Britney Spears’ performance/belly-dance at last year’s MTV Video Music Awards. But, once again, Britney will be the opening act at this year’s VMAs. Before you pound your chest screaming “Why, God, WHY?!” MTV is making it clear she’s not performing, according to the AP:

Instead, MTV Networks Music Group President Van Toffler said Wednesday, it’ll be something “fun and unexpected” on Sunday night’s show.
So what made Spears and MTV reunite one more time?
“MTV has long played an important role in my career. How can I not be there to kick off their 25th VMAs? I’m excited to open the entire show, to say hi to my fans and to be nominated,” Spears said in a statement.

The only thing Britney Spears could do that’s “fun and unexpected” is not show up and be replaced by strippers on unicycles. Then again, that’s my solution for everything - because it works.

Great news, everybody: Britney Spears will not be performing at this year’s VMAs. HURRAY! Her manager Larry Rudolph wants everyone to know Britney is very serious about her album and won’t be reprising her now infamous Jiggly Girl dance, according to the AP:

“Contrary to media reports, Britney was never slated to perform on this year’s VMAs,” Larry Rudolph, Spears’ manager at Jive Records, said in a statement. “She’s in the middle of recording her next album, which is going amazingly well, and her focus remains on the studio.”

Anyone get the feeling this “new and improved” Britney Spears has no fucking clue what’s going on around her? Yeah, she’s made some groundbreaking changes (See: wearing a bra.), but the look on Britney’s face tells me she has the wherewithal of a ham sandwich. I mean, you could probably light one of her kids on fire, and she wouldn’t even bat an eye. Then again, I basically just described anytime Britney makes PB&J. Bad example.

Britney Spears is either a really good sport or broke as all hell. She currently stars in the latest promotional spots for the MTV Video Music Awards with host Russell Brand. Part of the gag involves Britney and Russell sitting in a room with a giant elephant that nobody’s talking about - until now: The bitch ate a circus clown! Run for your life!

Videos after the jump.

Criss Angel at one point was romantically linked to Britney Spears. He was also supposed to have a hand in her comeback VMA performance, but, after some last minute changes, Criss’ magic was noticeably absent and what ensued has left a permanent scar on my retina. Finally, just one day before the premiere of his new show, Criss Angel opened up to Ok! Magazine about what went wrong:

“We were supposed to do a creation of stuff that we worked on and it took a lot of dedication and work to do the things that we wanted to do,” Criss, on the set of his new NBC series Phenomenon, recalls exclusively to OK! about Britney’s planned VMA performance. “Unfortunately for me, she didn’t really want to put forth that type of effort.”

“Basically I said, ‘Don’t worry about me. Do what you want to do. This is a big opportunity for you to do the VMAs, so if you don’t feel it, go with something else.’ And she chose to go with something else.”

If Criss Angel were a real man, he would’ve tackled Britney after the first half-drunk dance step. But he was probably too busy changing his wardrobe for the fifth time. It takes a lot of work to look like a douchebag who spent his life-savings at Hot Topic. Plus Criss also has to decide whether to wear his monogrammed baseball hat or show off his highlights. Which is understandable. You don’t want to look too retarded all at once. You need to spread the douche-iness out over the course of a day.