Poor Sarah Ball over at Newsweek got stuck with the assignment to call Jean-Claude Van Damme and discuss his latest movie J.C.V.D. I say “poor” because what Sarah’s editors neglected to tell her is the man’s flipping Froot Loops and has a penchant for horribly-veiled innuendos. Just read:

There’s a monologue in the film about being a washed-up action star. Did you improvise that?
I like structure—like driving: go past the school on the street, stay on the right side, no hitting the car, go in right, you’ll see a big church, stop and take a left, and you’ll have it. By doing this I’m giving a structure of life, a path of light, and showing what happens between me and me, which is something very beautiful.
Beautiful? Why?
I really opened myself up in “JCVD.” I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am, or the woman you are.
OK —
It was like being naked—I would love to be naked in front of you.
Well, I —
Not being naked being naked. I say such things in Hong Kong and they thought I was being a crazy Frenchman. Being naked of protection.
So you ‘ ve no regrets at all?
Believe me—I’ve done very good stuff and very crazy stuff, and I don’t regret the crazy stuff. So are you in New York?
Yes, I am.
And are you 27, or 32?
I ‘ m 22.
Oh, f–––. That is very young. Will you come to the premiere?
I don ‘ t know. When is it?
I don’t know. You will wear all black, a black dress and high heels?
Uh —
You can come find me, I will be the one with the very broad shoulders, dark hair and a simple suit. We can have some champagne, you and me.

I should probably point out that Jean-Claude Van Damme is married. Whoops! Though to be fair he’s on his fifth marriage, and it’s the second time with this wife. She knew what she was getting into. (Herpes.)

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has answered a resounding “You betcha” to the question “Can she be anymore oblivious?” After pardoning a turkey for Thanksgiving, Governor Palin gave a surreal interview with a local news team yesterday - right in front of a dude slaughtering turkeys. Amazing. My favorite part is the look on the guy’s face as he realizes “Wow, you’re really going to do this.” Then gets back to work because it’s Alaska, and it’s fucking cold out.

In the meantime, someone needs to tell Sarah Palin’s the elections over, so she can stop reciting the words John McCain wrote on the inside of her eyelids ad nauseum. Jesus, lady. I don’t see how Todd Palin doesn’t spend the majority of his day purposely getting rammed in the ear by snowmobiles. Unless he’s somehow immune to shrill.

Thanks to heather! who should be appointed Secretary of the Awesome.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin has answered a resounding “You betcha” to the question “Can she be anymore oblivious?” After pardoning a turkey for Thanksgiving, Governor Palin gave a surreal interview with a local news team yesterday - right in front of a dude slaughtering turkeys. Amazing. My favorite part is the look on the guy’s face as he realizes “Wow, you’re really going to do this.” Then gets back to work because it’s Alaska, and it’s fucking cold out.

In the meantime, someone needs to tell Sarah Palin’s the elections over, so she can stop reciting the words John McCain wrote on the inside of her eyelids ad nauseum. Jesus, lady. I don’t see how Todd Palin doesn’t spend the majority of his day purposely getting rammed in the ear by snowmobiles. Unless he’s somehow immune to shrill.

Thanks to heather! who should be appointed Secretary of the Awesome.

Brad Garrett (Everybody Loves Raymond) went nuts on the paparazzi last night in an unprovoked attack. Authorities are investigating assault charges, according to the AP:

Los Angeles County sheriff’s Sgt. Kristin Aloma said the 48-year-old Garrett has not been arrested in the incident that occurred late Tuesday or early Wednesday. She did not provide further details.
In the video, the man immediately claims Garrett broke his camera, although it shows him holding it up like he is still filming. The men exchange words and Garrett appears to challenge the paparazzi to a fight, but no punches were thrown.

The video is pretty intense. The paparazzi basically say “Good night” to Brad as he leaves a restaurant which he takes as an invitation to go freaking mental. He smashes a guy’s camera then tells him to get a real job before calling him a “pussy” and leaving. Clearly we’re in the presence of a superstar, folks. And by superstar I mean half of you are going to comment with “Who the fuck is Brad Garrett?” To which I say: Exactly.

Amy Winehouse held court with the paparazzi outside her house this morning and, aw shit, he’s flatlined. I knew it. Excuse me while I snap my penis out of cardiac arrest:

“Live, dammit! LIVE! No, not like this…. Not like this…. Fight, damn you! Jessica Simpson is just one straight-to-DVD bomb away from doing porn. DON’T YOU DIE ON ME! *sniff* You complete me.”

Kate Moss went shopping in West Hollywood yesterday wearing a ridiculously tiny pair of denim shorts. I can only assume she was trying to be a walking PSA for kids to stay off drugs because there’s no logical explanation for why she’d exposed her legs to the general public like that. Unless she’s getting a kickback from Perdue for making people think about raw chicken wings. If so, mission accomplished and hot sauce, anyone?

NOTE: Be sure to hit up the Full Size image for maximum effect. Cocaine is a helluva drug.

Lance Bass, who I’ve never seen in an interview before today (Do you think he’s gay?), stopped by E!’s Chelsea Lately last night where he admitted to motorboating his Dancing with the Stars opponent Cloris Leachman. How does that even happen? Glad you asked:

LANCE: I’m not sure I’m feeling this whole homosexual thing anymore. CLORIS!
CLORIS: Yes, Lance.
LANCE: BRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPTTTTTT!
CLORIS: Ready for the man-gina again now, dearie?
LANCE: Hell yeeeeah!
CLORIS: It’s nice to feel useful. Cookie?

Video after the jump.

P. Diddy poses with his two sons in the latest issue of L’Uomo Vogue. I guess they’re going for the pimp Chippendale’s look. Cute, right? Just one small problem: THEY’RE HIS DAUGHTERS.

I’m seriously at a loss for words here - with the obvious exceptions of “Fuck,” “What,” and “The.”

Jodie Marsh continued her silicon-fueled rampage through the English celebrity scene by attending soccer player Jermaine Defoe’s birthday party Sunday night. Wait, I didn’t know she did birthdays. She’d go perfect with my whiskey out of a brown bag at the strip club theme. Now, if only I could find Jodie in the Yellow Pages. Hmm… here we go: Right underneath “F” for “Funbags the Clown.”

NOTE: Third pic links to NSFW version that could be considered hot - if you’re oddly aroused by Frankenstein.

These are shots of British reality TV star Jodie Marsh at the premiere of Daylight Robbery. Jodie is apparently the scourge of the English celebrity scene and likes to show up at red carpet events in Spandex. Think Andy Dick but with gigantor boobs. That said, don’t tell me this isn’t Britney Spears in 10 years. I mean, just looking at that pouch, I’m convinced this actually is her sent back from the future to warn us about something. But what? Terminators? Global Warming? Heidi Montag? Tell us, Future Britney with Implants! I swear I’ll make eye contact - sort of.

I’m starting to understand Matthew McConaughey a whole lot more after finding about his mom Kay McConaughey’s book. Entilted “I Amaze Myself” the memoir contains anecdotes about Matthew’s conception and his father dying during sex. I wish I was making this up. Us Weekly reports:

“On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love,” Kay says exclusively in the latest issue of Us Weekly. “But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened. I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing,” she says. “But it was just the best way to go!”
And when her man couldn’t be revived, she made sure he was taken from the house in the buff.
“I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift,” she says.

Awesome. So, Matthew McConaughey’s dad’s final moments were spent having Viagra-induced old people sex followed by EMTs staring at his naked cock. Oh yeah, sign me up for that. Here I was going to die young in a bank vault full of strippers and go-karts. Clearly, I have no idea how to live. I forgot the part where people look at my old dead nuts. So stupid….

In what will initially be considered a surprisingly fast turnaround until you see the final product, Heidi Montag’s video for “Overdosin’” has been released and JESUS H. CORNELIUS CHRIST! I’m not gonna lie; I turned the audio off about ten seconds in which, in hindsight, was a bad move. I ended up running outside and paying the neighbor kid’s to throw broken glass in my eyes. Fortunately, one of them agreed to finish typing this post for me while I dictate poop burgers I’m a Transformer and smell my own butt.

Video after the jump.

I feel like I just got hit by a dump truck full of retard sauce. These are shots of Heidi Montag filming the video for her latest single “Overdosin’.” After looking at 1985 puke all over Heidi Montag, I can only hope this abortion will drown her tiny iota of a career along with everyone else on The Hills. Because, seriously, no one is looking at these photos and saying “Oh, yes, we need more of this to happen. I’m not completely bleeding from the eyes yet.”

These are shots of Kate Hudson in the latest issue of W, and what the Baby Jesus is going on here? It looks like Kate’s supposed to be Robocop’s wife whose had some sort of sexual awakening and now likes chicks. Except later she’s murdered in an Olive Garden kitchen next to the sauce pans; I don’t even know. I’m pretty sure fashion photographers are just making shit up because, honestly, whose going to call them on it?: “Hey, uh, lay here next to the ravioli. Then kind of pretend you’re an ostrich whose father was never around. Perfect. Done. Easiest hundred grand ever. Now, let’s get mochacinnos!”

I really don’t know what to say about these pics of porn star Bridget the Midget’s flashing a boob this weekend. Mostly because I’m disappointed a unicorn didn’t fly out of her cleavage like these doodles I made on my Trapper Keeper. Although, technically, I believe Bridget’s obligated to at least shoot gold coins out of her nipple, if my interpretation of midget law isn’t mistaken. Which it could be because they write so. Damn. Small.

NOTE: Pics link to NSFW version including one of Bridget’s tattoo of a dollar bill that’s cleverly replaced George Washington with, well, here’s a hint: that’s not a flower.

Larry Birkhead, like any widowed father, wants to make sure daughter Dannielynn has something to remember her mother Anna Nicole Smith by. Unfortunately, this sentiment involves buying two pieces of lingerie that Anna Nicole wore during a Playboy shoot. Did I mention one of them was ridiculously stained? Because it is. It’s like you can see the memories. *sigh* The AP reports:

“I have a lot of history I have to put together that she doesn’t really know about,” Birkhead told The Associated Press. “Playboy was such a big part of Anna’s career.”
Birkhead bought a pink bustier for $1,800 and a white negligee for $1,000 at the auction, run by Julien’s Auctions and held at Planet Hollywood Resort and Casino on the Las Vegas Strip.

A lot of people will say Dannielynn was doomed the day she was born to Anna Nicole. Or, depending on your religious beliefs, the day she was conceived by way of Jesus and a turkey baster. To each his own. But, as for me, I’m going to go ahead and say Dannielynn had a chance until the moment Larry Birkhead said “Oh my God, is that a stain? This is so going in your play room.”

Ladies, you’re going to have to help me out on this one because I’m freakin’ clueless about this stuff: What the hell is going on with Tila Tequila’s tan? Either she went nuts with the bronzing gun, or someone left the E-Z Bake Oven open again. Which one is it? I know it’s not natural because I’ve read the Keebler Elves’ charter, and it strictly prohibits exposure to “the human’s harsh sun.” It’s called research, kids. The handiest tool in the blogger’s tool belt - not counting meth. Geekologist, fire up another batch! I’m starting to trust the government again.

Contrary to legend, actor Steve Guttenberg (Police Academy) is alive and well. Oh yeah, and also roiding his freaking face off. Some paps apparently recognized Steve yesterday in New York, and he decided to thank them by going retard nuts on their camera. Looks like somebody saw the Hulk this weekend. Then, you know, took a turkey baster full of HGH to the colon. MAHONEY!!

Many of you have probably heard that Dunkin’ Donuts pulled an ad featuring Rachael Ray because she looks “too Arab-y.” Apparently, her scarf set the right-wing blogs a-buzzing who decided to wage war on my beloved Dunkin’ until they pulled the ad. Bloodied and beaten, the purveyors of sweet fried bread that fuel my morning gave in, according to the Boston Globe:

The Canton-based company has abruptly canceled an ad in which the domestic diva wears a scarf that looks like a keffiyeh, a traditional headdress worn by Arab men. Some observers, including ultra-conservative Fox News commentator Michelle Malkin, were so incensed by the ad that there was even talk of a Dunkin’ Donuts boycott.
‘‘The keffiyeh, for the clueless, is the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad,’’ Malkin yowls in her syndicated column.
‘‘Popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos, the apparel has been mainstreamed by both ignorant and not-so-ignorant fashion designers, celebrities, and left-wing icons.’’

Dunkin’ Deeznuts issued the following statement after pulling the terror-inducing ad. (Holy shit, she’s got a latte! Duck!):

Said the suits in a statement: ‘‘In a recent online ad, Rachael Ray is wearing a black-and-white silk scarf with a paisley design. It was selected by her stylist for the advertising shoot. Absolutely no symbolism was intended. However, given the possibility of misperception, we are no longer using the commercial.’’

The only jihad that scarf makes me want to commit is against my hangover - with sweet caffeine. And if that’s not American, shit, I don’t know what is. That said, I’ll assume for their next commercial Rachael Ray, clad in the Stars and Stripes, will fire an AK at a Boston Creme - then dump scalding hot lattes on a gay wedding. Wow, I should work in advertising. I would sell stuff’s face off.

Thanks to BK for the “hot tip.” Get it? Hot? Like coffee. Comedy!

Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty made a YouTube video together (after the jump) that can only be described as “WHAT THE DOUBLE FUCK?!” It’s essentially the two of them playing with, no joke, newborn mice and babbling incoherently. Though at one point, Amy uses them to deliver a message to her incarcerated husband Blake. BBC News reports:

“This one’s got a message from Blake,” she says. “Blake, please don’t divorce mummy. She loves you ever so. Hang on, my big brother wants to say something.”
Taking another mouse from Doherty, she continues: “Yeah, if you divorce her you’ll have me to deal with. I’m only a day old. I don’t know what I’m doing but I know what love is.”

If Pete Doherty, drugs and baby mice can’t save a marriage, then, shit, I don’t know what can. Oh, wait, yes I do: FUCKING THERAPY! Get some, lady. And tons of it. If you don’t think things are that bad, here’s a newsflash: Pete Doherty - not a figment of your imagination. Uh huh, that thing is real. Kind of blows your mind doesn’t it, Amy? … Amy? Are you even listening to me or just eating the china cabinet?

Thanks to Sexyonia who doesn’t think mice should be used as pawns in relationship drama. However, they work nicely on a chess board. Check, mate!