Kirsten Dunst’s friends are no longer afraid she’ll drink their blood and transform them into an army of Nosferatus, so they’re confirming to Us Magazine the rumor that Kirsten’s break-up with Jake Gyllenhaal led to her current stint in rehab. Jake didn’t dig Kirsten’s partying and, when he split, she started hitting the bottle like a champ:

“Whenever the cast and crew were out, she was the center of the group – doing shots and encouraging everyone to drink,” a source on her upcoming movie How to Lose Friends & Alienate People told Us. “There was no such thing as ‘just the one’ for her.”

So, let me get this straight, Kirsten Dunst gets dumped by Jake Gyllenhaal and becomes a one-woman drinking machine a.k.a. my soulmate. She doesn’t need to go to rehab. She needs to go to my house. We can get liquored up and inevitably end up playing my favorite game: “Morning After Pill Pursuit: Hangover Edition.” It’s sort of like Monopoly - but with more abortion. Dibs on the top hat.