Keanu Reeves is ‘The One’ - who doesn’t have to pay shit

Keanu Reeves won a lawsuit today when a jury of his peers determined he is not liable for the injuries of papparazzo Alison Shiva. Alison claims Keanu struck him with his Porsche in 2007 which damaged his wrist and caused him to lose work. Unfortunately, Alison is too stupid to realize he works around people with cameras all day who snapped pics of him chasing Britney Spears shortly after the alleged incident. The AP reports:

Over the course of four days, jurors heard how Silva gave contradictory statements about what happened and even saw a video of the celeb shooter using his supposedly damaged hand to scale down a chain link fence after getting video of Britney Spears.
Reeves stayed for the whole trial, testifying and signing the occasional autograph in the hallway.

How in the hell do you lose a lawsuit where Keanu Reeves gives testimony? That’s got to be scientifically impossible. All this Alison guy had to do was point at the actor and say “Keanu Reeves was driving a vehicle,” and the jury would yell “Guilty, guilty!” before jumping out the window in terror. In fact, I’m pretty sure I just soiled myself thinking about it. Nope, wait; false alarm. Pudding cup in my back pocket again. What? I love butterscotch.