Tom Cruise (giving us the Klaatu Stare above) and Katie Holmes moved into their new Beverly Hills home over the weekend and threw a little housewarming party. And Oprah came! OMG! Okay, I’m calm, I’m calm. It turns out the party also had an ulterior motive steeped in Scientology. Go figure. Page Six has the details:

One attendee said, “Everyone he’s been having issues with was invited: Sumner Redstone, Steven Spielberg, Oprah Winfrey, you name it. Then there were all the gays, which was hilarious because Scientology ‘cures’ gays . . . There’s a tenet in Scientology that basically says, ‘After you cut people off, you have to invite them back in.’”

Dammit, Tom. Can’t you just have people over to keep up the illusion your marriage isn’t a sham without involving Scientology for once? And while we’re at it, Xenu Pictionary BLOWS! Yup, I went there. But, I’ll admit, the Thetan meatballs are pretty damn tasty. What are they made of again? The homeless? Oh, that’s nice.